z

Young Writers Society


12+

Shade Users-Chapter 2 (1/2)

by Shadowolf765


Chapter 2

My ears perked at the sound of heavy footsteps. The loud pounding was coming from up top, seemingly inside the warehouse. With a brisk flick, I flipped the almost invisible switch next to the slide. A single, shrill whistle traveled throughout the underground area, grabbing everyone’s attention and bringing them to their alpha's side in mere seconds. I simply waved twice and pointed upward before placing a finger over my lips. With their leader in the front, they made the long walk upwards, back to the warehouse.

By the time they had all reached the very circle they had all jumped from less than an hour earlier, it was silent. On the small amount of wind that trickled past the two slabs of concrete, I could smell rain and burnt ozone. A thunderstorm was on its way here, and whatever stood outside this warehouse was in for a surprise. Turning around I pulled everyone into a tight circle, pulling as many of my wolves as close to me as I could to reduce the need to raise my voice more than needed. I explained the plan to all of them. I didn't need to see them in their animal forms to know every ear was tuned to my voice and listening intently.

 Turning away I once more flicked an almost invisible button, winching at the loud noise of the stone slabs grinding against each other. It was a great thing for when you’re listening for intruders, not so much when you were trying to be silent. By the time the stones had come apart fully, everyone was on edge. Leader poked her head out of the circle and waited; I could feel a wolf outside the warehouse, circling and hiding, running along neighboring buildings roofs.

It was not one of my wolves; that was for sure. I couldn't feel anything beyond its presence, no connection meant it was not part of this gang.

As a part of initiation, every wolf must make a blood connection with the alpha and three others that he or she may know or trust. If they know no one, the leader chooses the three. These three are responsible for taking care of the new comer in shifts, each teaching the newbie different styles of fighting, thinking, and social skill. Allowing them the best chance to create their own style so that they may be a free thinking and a unique wolf. Of course the first day after initiation, they are pushed into the ground with physical and mental activities so draining, the person begins a special kind of refinement. 

This is a more military style of creating a truly new gang member, wipe them of everything, and you get a clean plate to pile your ways, beliefs and skills onto. Of course, this place is like a buffet for them to pile their plate with, we do not discourage integrity or creativity. As those are some of the qualities that have saved many of us before. The way this wolf ran though, had a feeling of  urgency to it, so I reached out to it, not mentally like I did with my own, but using emotions as the link. A link that was both more potent and able to reach to others I did not have a connection to.

The only emotion that came back from that link before it was broken off was one of warning and caution, and then the lone wolf disappeared.

Climbing out of the hole I motion to my top ten wolves to climb out and begin what they had been told. Three more left after them, and another group of three, and another. This continued till there was only seven of the wolves, plus me. With a horrible cry, Todd began crying as loudly as he had ever, and while three wolves tried to comfort and quiet him, he continued to scream and wail. That’s when the doors got kicked in, all four ten by eight, two inch thick steel cargo bay doors. The people behind those doors? Well, the wolves would be calling them Ellie's from now on.

Todd went silent with triumph in that moment; I looked back at him and scowled. The speed at which his face fell would have been humorous had it not be rehearsed. There were four groups of four that walked in; all of them seemed to lumber forward with the heavy equipment that weighed them down. They basically walked in suits made of steel and wires, this was not something we had been expecting, but nothing would change, as long as they did not pull out anything fancy.

These were obviously older suits, with dents and scratches and patched over openings, it showed that these were on their last legs of usefulness. More than likely they had only sent these pieces of junk to both test us, and get rid of them. The only other thing that I could think of for them to use such old crappy things, was because they had better suits in the making, but we're not finished yet. Then the suits and a past memory clicked into place, these weren't just junk suits, these were the same ones that they had been using for the past three years in large cities to stop gangs like us.

Of course the moment they had popped up on national television, I had sent scouts out to watch them, only half came back three months later with information, blueprints, and scars. Of course they looked as complex as the blueprints had made them seem. These suits were almost made entirely out of wiring and steel. The way these suits were put on was easier than the assembly. Basically, the men would suit up in a one piece full body suit with a hood, made from a mixture of wool, cotton, and covered in Kevlar and a few metal clasps; these ‘undergarments’ were basically armored suits themselves.

The actual suit though was a story on its own, at the bottom; their feet were clad in steel plated boots. The steel designed to be able to compress down into a cartable version on their backs, like a small metal backpack, at least, that’s what they planned for, for their future designs anyways. These ones were put on in two stages, first you basically step into the armored bottom half and run the gears till it is snug on you, these gears were one of the weak spots. Of course these gears were also almost entirely covered with metal, the same thing applied to the top, but this entire process could take up to half an hour. Strapping it on like a jacket and winding the gears.

While these things were practically walking tanks, they were slow, predictable, and easily maneuvered as they had limited vision thanks to the tinted helmets. The helmet were not attached to the armor in any ways and was simply held on by pressure, this was another weak spot, one that could kill someone, since if you rip the helmet off right, you could pull their heads off with them. Of course, the head was a common target and so they had many tricks and ways to protect themselves by now.


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Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:57 am
haven235 wrote a review...



Firstly, welcome back. Kinda easy to be on/off on anything huh?

And now onto the review:

Skimmed Cricket's review a bit so that I won't be redundant, but you still need to work on those first three sentences, as well as the entire first paragraph.

My ears perked at the sound of heavy feet steps echoing underground. The loud pounding was coming from up top, seemingly inside the warehouse. As quickly as I my fingers could, they flipped the almost invisible switch next to the slide. A single shrill whistle traveled throughout the underground area - grabbing everyone’s attention and bringing them to their alpha's side in mere seconds. I simply waved twice and pointed upward before placing a finger over my lips. With their leader in the front, they made the long walk upwards, back to the warehouse.


I think you meant "footsteps" instead of feet steps. Echoing underground doesn't sound right to me. I don't know if it's grammatically correct or not, though.

The second sentence can be much shorter.

The personification of the fingers is unnecessary. I know you're trying to add some style and creativity, but it makes the sentence sound weird.

Instead of the dash that breaks area and grabbing, have a comma there. Also add a comma between single and shrill.

So I've forgotten the hierarchy a bit. Aside from the main leader, there are also ranked officers known as alphas? I do remember that in your previous chapters you had a perspective problem, forgetting to change everything to one point of view, so possibly you meant the alpha to be the character who's narrating at the moment? Bit unclear.

Here's how I would write your first paragraph:

My ears perked at the sound of heavy footsteps that seemed to come from the warehouse interior. They shook even us here underground. My fingers deftly found the almost invisible switch next to the slide and flipped it. A single, shrill whistle traveled throughout the hideout, grabbing everyone’s attention and bringing them to their alpha's side in mere seconds. I simply waved twice and pointed upward before placing a finger over my lips. With me in the front, they made the long walk upwards, back to the warehouse.


And that's my detailed breakdown of just the first paragraph. I've read the rest of this part and saw similar mistakes: POV problems, inconsistent tense, etc. Story-wise, nothing to really critique since you're still providing background on this gang of wolves.

Going on to the next part, review will be up soon. Hope I helped somewhat.

-Ven




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks for the review! I have been having the worst time writing lately, so i do apologize for the quality >~< but I will take your advice and see what I will change. Hopefully, my peer editor I had will get back into the saddle as well. I'm gonna need him it seems XD



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Sun Jan 18, 2015 10:31 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Thanks for telling me that you had posted more of your story. I appreciate it. ^^

Since it has been a while since you've posted this, I may or may not have remembered the prologue and first chapter all too well. If I seem to not have it all there then tell me. I don't want to get any of your storyline wrong.

What I was mainly wondering, is if you can find a different way to refer to their Leader? Using the same word over and over again that, although being used as a name, is generally used as a common noun and sounds rather redundant when being used constantly. Is their some other title that you could use for her? Or find some way to cut back on the naming her, perhaps? Just a thought. As I was reading through, the word kept slamming into my face and repeating itself. I don't know about you, but when I see redundancy it tends to not let me focus on the actual storyline. xD As I said before, just an idea that you could possibly consider.

marching feet



shrill whistle



eerily silent.


tight circle,


Here are examples of adverbs. I noticed while reading that you use adverbs, constantly. I know it may seem like a bit of a habit for some people, but all adverbs do is clutter up your writing and weaken the overall meaning of your sentence. What you could really consider doing is try and substitute the adverbs for an actual verb. That way the entire meaning of the sentence comes across as stronger, and is also much more efficient. See what I mean? If it doesn't make sense, then I would be happy to explain further. :)

My ears perked at the sound of marching feet echoing underground - as if coming from up top - not something you hear very often.


Whoooah, what happened here? Here, it is like you have three separate ideas combined into one sentence. How you accomplished that, I can only assume that you did it using the em-dash. When writing a sentence, you need to remember that every sentence is its own idea; so it can only be one idea. Like I said earlier, this seems like three ideas thrown into one, by using the em-dash.

I would suggest, first reading this article here. That article basically explains how to properly use the em-dash. In what circumstances, and in what sentence order, it will tell you how to use them properly. If it doesn't, then I can link you up to some more articles if you like.

seven of the wolves, plus leader


Since you use the word leader as a name, it needs to capitalized here.

If they know no one, the leader chooses the three; these three are responsible for taking care of the new comer in shifts, each teaching the newbie different styles of fighting, thinking, and social skills, allowing them the best chance to create their own style so that they may be a free thinking and a unique wolf.


This is a run-on sentence. From what I can see, there are five commas and one semi-colon. If you look at a sentence and you are trying to see if it is a run-on at all, a good way to tell, is to see how many commas it has. Generally a run-on will have on average about three, sometimes more, and sometimes less. This, has five commas and one semi-colon. That is, of course, too much. While writing, take your sentences apart in your mind and see how you can avoid using as many commas as possible (while still being grammatically correct, of course), and focus on a smooth flow. Commas represent pauses and breaks. You want smoothness. Not jerkiness. So just something to work on a little. Let me know if you have any questions on it.

Well, the wolves would be calling them Ellies from now on, not that they knew that yet.


The first element of your sentence was great. But then it was completely ruined by the second element! Your first half of the sentence was hinting at something and building up suspense, and then the second element (meaning after your comma) took over, and you killed it. When building up suspense, you don't kill it off in the middle of a sentence. Okay, sometimes you can, but you have to be choosy about when you do it. From my experience, I've found that it's better to avoid cutting it off in the middle of a sentence. It seems too jerky, when reading it, to my mind. Something to think about. Hope this was clear. ^^

Alright, that is all from me for now. I think I will be moving onto the next installment of your book, as soon as I can. So, let me know if you have any questions!

Keep writing!

~Cricket




Shadowolf765 says...


Thanks so much for the help! I will get to editing the moment I have more then a few minutes to do so XD. I realize my issue with the "Leader" title and I have been trying to find an alternative word or ever phrase. The problem is, I don't have one. Hope you don't mind giving me these reviews! Because I appreciate these fully.





No, no. Not at all. I love giving these reviews. Thanks for asking me! <3



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Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:48 am
summeremowrite says...



poem by summer. I know people say that life is like freedom but to me
it's a lock cant open it as if u cant open a safe but do I need to open it so I can love live and be free u see




Shadowolf765 says...


I'm confused o-o




It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien