This is my little sister's work, so this isn't mine and I take no credit for it.
I rolled up the sleeve of my black jumpsuit, revealing the tattoo of the phoenix, frozen in the act of bursting into flames. There was DNA strand mixed into the dye.
I held up my arm to the scanner, a toilet paper dispenser.I stuck my other hand on the white stall wall.
A red light scanned both of them. The computer hesitated a moment then displayed my name “Phoenix Inferno” on the front of the dispenser. It considered it a moment further, and then went dark.
The toilet emitted a quiet purring noise and sunk into the ground and locked out of the way. In its place a small rod rose to just above my waist.
The rod was small, hardly any bigger than my wrist.It looked like a miniature elevator pole, with the trends going down the side, but instead of an elevator there was a harness.On the top of the rod was a control pad, with a small red button.
I stepped inside of the harness and lifted it off the ground. I fastened it on, cinching it tightly around my waist. I braced myself, with my feet spread wide apart on the floor, one hand grasping the front part of the harness.
With my free hand I reached out and swatted the remote. For a moment nothing happened. Then the floor came out from under me.
For a moment everything blurred, I could see nothing. Not that there was much to see, just the gray concrete of the shafts walls.
After a little while the fall began to slow until it came to a dead stop at the bottom of the shaft.I unfastened the harness and slipped my feet out of it.
The harness lifted back up heading toward the top of the chute and a concrete slab closed off the shaft, leaving me in a narrow room.
Before the quiet click from the concrete had faded away, a red light filled the room. It swept up and down, checking me for weapons or explosives. If it found any, they would just gas the chamber.
“Identify.” Nyx’s voice came over the speakers, his harsh tone unmistakable.
I spread my arms out, and stood with my feet far apart, letting the red light travel up and down my body. “Phoenix Inferno.” I said loud and clear.
The light flicker off and the wall on the left slid up. I stepped through and headed down the spotless white hall.
I stopped at my little work area, just a small cubical with an old worn desk and leather chair, slipped through the door and flopped down onto the seat. I switched my computer on and flipped through my work assignments for the day.
Five minutes later I was back on my feet and on my way to the welcome center.
The “welcome” center was a small room made entirely of flexi-glass. It was for people they had brought off the streets that had shone talent for this kind of work. I had been one of those people.
I used to be a hacker. That’s what I did for a living. I found evidence of a major government operation. Chimera got wind of it.They were sent to kill me. They decided to recruit me instead.
I had to give up everything, my entire way of life. In some ways, I’m better off for it. As a computer hacker I had worked only for myself. Now I had a goal in life.
In some ways I’m worse. Some of my targets are only there because someone up top got nervous.In this job you have to leave morals behind. They have no place here.
Today there was young man on it.The computer said that his name had been Eric. It didn’t display his last name, it never does.
He was twenty-eight years of age, which was two years older than me. He came from Chicago.
They had picked him off the street after one of our agents witnessed him fighting off an attacker. If it had been enough to impress an agent, then it must have been pretty impressive.
The computer registered the password as I keyed it in and opened a door. I slipped through it a moment before it closed. A kit enclosed in a plastic slid in through a slit in the wall. A flexi-glass slab immediately slid back into place, sealing me in a see-through box.
I quickly retrieved the kit and tore a hole in the plastic. From the contents I removed a small bottle containing a drug to wake him up and a syringe to administer it with and a pair of medical gloves.
I slipped my hands into the gloves and picking up the syringe, walked towards where he lay at the far side of the room. I quickly slid the syringe into his arm and slowly pressed down on the lever, forcing the drug into his bloodstream.
I removed the syringe and placed it back in the slot with the rest of the kit, they would dispose of it later. Turning back towards him, I leaned against the wall and studied him.
His air was black as a raven and rather long. His skin was darker than most. He looked kind of like an Indian.
He was lean, mean and very normal. He was a man who wouldn’t stand out in a crowd. The perfect material for a field agent.I smirked in approval. He’d make a good partner.
As I watched his eyelids began to flicker open. I took a step toward him and placing my hand on his forearm, leaned over him.
His brown eyes flickered around for a moment then focused on me. Some of the fog cleared. He seemed to relax slightly.
“Where am I?” He murmured.I smiled reassuringly. I decided to ease into it with this one.
“It alright, Eric.” I said gently. “You’re safe.” His eyes sharpened.
“I was drugged.” His voice was clearer and there was a hint of anger. The haze was already clearing. So much for easing into it. This one was strong. Both in body and mind.
“It was necessary.” I kept my tone neutral, neither condoning nor condemning.“Eric, you are now part of the government’s killing squad.You kill who they say to when they say to or you die.”
I swallowed nervously and continued. “We come in groups of three. Two on the computer and one in the field. You’re the field. I’m computer.”
He was fidgeting. “If we have to work together, what do I call you?”
“Phoenix Inferno.” I studied him. He seemed to be taking it rather calmly.
He glanced at my face. “It fits you.”
I ran a hand through my shoulder length red hair. “I suppose it does.” I admitted.
“We all get a new name when we join.” I explained. “Python gave it to me.”
“And Python is who exactly?” he asked curiously. “Is he a friend of yours?”
“Not anymore.” I told him curtly. “He’s the agent you’re going to be replacing. He was killed in the middle of an assassination attempt. And you don’t have friends in this line of work. You have associates.”
I cocked my head to the side. “Do you have any more questions?”
He nodded. “What are you all called?”
“Chimera.” I tossed my hair over my shoulder. “A three pronged attack. The chimera was a Greek monster with the head of a goat and a lion. It tail was a serpents head. ”
“Before you can go out into the field they are going to have to tear you down and then build you the way they want you. It’s a painful, but necessary process.”
“What’s my name now?” dread was written plain all over his face.
I looked him up and down, searching for weakness. “You are no longer a man. You are now a resource and will be known as Asset Maven. Now come. Your training waits.”
Without waiting for a reply I moved to the wall and placed my hand on the scanner. The wall slid up and I moved down the corridor with Asset in pursuit.
I sent him to the train facilities and then went back to my work area. I collapsed onto the chair. Switching on my computer, I got to work.
I had a mission to plan.Watch out. It might be you.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hola there! Jade here with a review!
The writing style seems to be very plain. with lots of telling instead of showing. However, it gets the point across well. I would suggest that your sister use a wider variety of sentence types, and include more sensory details.
There are also a few typos, such as "air" instead of "hair".
I felt like the characters were lacking in emotional responses to their situations, Eric/Maven in particular. If I were him, and I got kidnapped by a government organization, I'm pretty sure I would do more than just blindly accept my fate.
The "it might be you" at the end was very awkwardly phrased. As I am assuming it means I might be a future target, a better way to phrase it could be something long the lines of "you might be my next target".
Hey there Christina! (At least, I think I am correct?)
I have been meaning to read your short story for a while. I don't know what age you are, but this seems like a pretty good story :3 It kind of reminded me of my own little sister's style of writing a bit. I admire how you managed to bring a whole society and all their rules into just one short story. And judging from the fact that Phoenix Inferno managed to enter from a toilet stall, it's implied that they are really a big company that has bases set under the most unlikely places. I thought that was brilliantly done xD You also showed us the entry or more like forced into sign up process of Chimera. It was all so interesting to see unfold.
I am not going to go on with nitpicks because people like Timmy have already pulled them all out and left barely anything for me to comment on myself ^.^ I am going to do my best though, so here's hoping that this will be helpful!
I think here you either mean there was a DNA strand mixed into the dye (the 'a' is important.) Or you mean There were DNA strands mixed into the dye (and now the 's' at the end of strands become necessary.)
Even those are two different paragraphs, you can see that they are still pretty close together. That said, it might be nice to mix up the vocabulary a bit and use something else than 'for a moment' again. I suggest just saying 'Everything blurred... etc' in the second one, because we don't really need to know that it was only for a moment. Or you could mention at the end of her journey down the chute that she had only been in there for a brief time or something.
One thing I noticed about your style of writing is that you use a lot of short sentences. Which is okay, and I know that the younger people tend to do this quite a bit. But with the help of conjunctions in the right places, like and and um... I am sure there are more xD But I am sure these will help make some longer sentences be put in there too, so in the end you get quite a bit more variety when it comes to style in your writing too. This is something you might need to think about because I am sure it can help it all flow together more and sound less abrupt and all
Another thing I noticed when it comes to your style of writing is that you say a lot of 'I did this' or the 'machine did this'. So we're being told about a lot of actions that are going on, things moving, etc. That's the things we need to know so the story makes sense. And you did give a lovely character description of Eric when we first get to see him. But, somehow I still feel like I want more descriptions. How about inserting small details in there as well. How Phoenix Inferno noticed Eric fiddling with the material of the bed as he heard the explanation, his eyes widening as he understood what had happened. Maybe she notices that she likes feeling like she knows more about everything happening at the moment than he does.
Ah, that's the thing I am searching more. I want more of her thoughts and emotions. I feel like we need to know more of her thoughts about all that she is doing and all the things that have been happening around her. And as well as that I want to know her emotions. Is she looking forwards to having this new worker with her? Was her old companion secretly her friend and she doesn't want to accept this "Eric?" This is just some food for thought.
I also felt like Eric should feel more in shock. He's practically become a slave now, because if he doesn't do what they say, they're going to kill him! His whole life has been stolen from him and switched up, and there's this girl there telling him what to do and what will happen to him. I feel like I would be angry, or upset, or something. I wouldn't take it as lightly as he seems to be. So, maybe have him express his emotions on the matter somehow?
I wanted to know Phoenix's real name xD It's a minor thing, but maybe other people would also want to know? Maybe she could think her real name when Eric asks her, but then mentally scolds herself, trying to remind herself that it isn't her name anymore.
I know this is a short story as well, so you really can't cram everything in there. But I did wonder, how did she end up on the streets? What did she feel like when she was brought into this strange world at the beginning? These are some other questions you can think about even though you don't have to include any of them
Keep writing awesome things like this Christina! I look forward to when you are ready to join YWS ^^
Deanie x
XD Thanks Livvy! I'll give this to Christina as soon as she get's back. She was actually asking if you were going to review this, and now I can tell her that you did!
Thanks!
Hey Sis!
I remember that I told you I would review this, so here I am!
The story idea is very neat, and sounds mysterious and dystopian. The character herself seems completely at home in this strange environment, but the new person--the man who will become her partner after all of this breaking down and building up has passed--seems very confused and is undoubtedly scared. What a way to start things! Its always good to start in confusion, so that the reader can become educated with the character. I sense big character development will happen throughout the following chapters, as well as much tension and mystery.
Love it!
That happens a lot. ^.^ You need a space in-between your sentences.
When doing sentences like these, where you are joining two different ideas into one, be sure you have a good connector to join them. This was clunky and didn't flow over well, because the connector wasn't very good. Remember: and, but, also and as well as--but and probably the you will use the most.
I really like the idea here, and it makes me understand what they are and how they work, but it seemed rather boom! and then it never settled down, and was never explained. The idea just stopped. I think it needs more explanation.
Comma, not a period, is needed after Inferno.
I say join the two paragraphs. They are the same idea, anyway. Describing the man is all the same idea, and shouldn't really be separated unless you are describing him for pages.
Smirked isn't really a word most people would associate with approval. It sounds more like sarcasm, poking fun at, or just sharing fun in a rude joke. It doesn't sound like she is pleased. Perhaps nodded?
Here, you say that you keep your tone neutral--not condoning, but here you have already condoned it since you say, it was necessary. So you did condone it.
That is passive voice. Try to stick to the active voice, which works better in writing. So, instead of was fidgeting, try fidgeted.
I dun think that comma is necessary. ^.^
Well... what weaknesses did you find? This is almost like you opened a door, but didn't bother describing what you saw inside. Let us see in, and tell us what weakness you can find in this man.
The way she says it makes it seem as though she thought it up on the spot. Is this true or is it a pre-planned name, one the government makes for the agent? I think it would be a pretty important piece to know, especially since so far she seems like a minion herself. I don't think a minion would be entrusted with handing out names. Perhaps she sees it on the information she received on him?
All in all, I think this was a gripping and fun chapter for you to start off on! The scene was tense, as was the mystery inside this completely foreign place. I think you could have shown his facial expressions to us more, and showed his fear and anger--since you did tell us he was angry, right?--but I suppose you have enough time for that later on in the book. Just remember one thing: Allowing your character to observe others is great, and adds a lot to the book and the other people in the story, but always have a beginning and an end for the observation. Lets put it this way: I look out into a field for a horse. [next paragraph] This lawn needs to be mowed. You need to have a complete arc for every thought, every idea. An answer to every question and every observation.
Very nice ending. It finishes in a haunting, almost threatening way, almost like you are telling us to behave--but in a creepy way. Now I am not sure if this Phoenix is good or not. At first, she seemed like a good person, and truly cared about Asset... but now? Now I am not so sure.
I await the next chapter with anticipation! Don't keep me waiting long.
~Darth Timmyjake
Utterly beautiful timmy. Christina will love you till she dies, I'm sure. XD
That was a rather intresting story there. I espically love the part at the end where you said watch out, it might be you. I also like how you explained the squad and what it is that they do. I couldn't figure out until you talked about assassination if the agents were all about hacking or if it was anything physical. Over all i very much enjoyed it and I hope that your sister write even more on this topic. It could make a really fun story.
Thanks for the review!
Hello, ThereseCricket. This MS and I'm here for a review on your sister's work.
Pat your sister on the back. This is a cool idea. I'm all for the secret spy stuff. I like how Pheonix Inferno has to enter through a toilet hole to get to her underground spy agency. Very cool! I also like the Chimera concept.
There were a few spelling slip ups in this that I thought I should point out.
I believe your sister meant hair.
'It's alright.'
Just some minor issues that she can easily correct by going through with an edit.
In terms of some suggestions for improvements on the story, I have a few. I think the scene where Pheonix Inferno goes to recruit Eric could be developed a bit more. I wasn't quite sure what it was that she did to get to him so fast. Did she enter some sort of plastic tube that traveled to his location? Where did she go? Just a little more explanation there would clear things up. This could also be the beginning of a novel. It sounds almost like a first chapter. Perhaps your sister would be interested in writing more to this. There are a number of questions she has left open. For example: Why does the government need a secret organization to kill people? Is it used for killing terrorists? Why does Pheonix have a tattoo with DNA woven into it? Is this so that the government can track her?
Whether your sister plans on expanding this or not, it is a good read and has the potential to go many different routes. Tell your sister to keep on writing!
Margo Seuss
OMG!!! Thank you soooo much for the review! I'll be handing the details over to my sister, and she'll correct everything.
Glad to be of help.