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Can you feel it?

by Thepoetryproject


Can you feel the sinking anxiety pooling in your gut?

A reminder that through plastic plastered on smiles gracing moulded countenance,

Fake and uncanny to those close enough to know.

Can you feel the world crashing and burning?

Lies and deceit so meaningful causing cataclysmic canyons in coloured agony,

Fuelled by antagonising regret.

Can you feel it?

The sinking destitution of forest loneliness,

Surrounded by life but alone.

Not defined or characterised,

By actual forest, any more,

It is a sick reminder,

You will never be okay.

Can you feel the way they look?

Not realising their eyes graze someone,

Internal face contorted into aghast,

External face untelling,

So broken and numb,

A shell of a person,

A body with no life.

Can you feel the heat from the sun?

Not pounding the way it would normally the time of year,

Body and mind disconnected,

Dissociated,

Lost.

A sick reminder, you're not okay, you never were,

you never will be. - Noah 


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125 Reviews


Points: 443
Reviews: 125

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Sun Apr 07, 2019 1:33 am
Anma wrote a review...



Hello!

This is really god.

I really enjoyed reading this.

Here are a few suggestion i have for it.....

you might want to make the lines a little shorter.
There is also a few grammar and punctuation errors.
Try to keep a steady pass as well......

Anyways...

Either than that you did great!

I hope to read more of your work!

Sincerely
Anma






Sorry, hi. So I%u2019ve never really considered punctuation in poetry and I wondered if you could give me an example. Thanks - noah



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Points: 59
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Fri Apr 05, 2019 3:00 pm



Hello, Noah here listed this a script by accident lmao and I’m too lazy to change it. I am a poet. Thanks




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366 Reviews


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Fri Apr 05, 2019 2:27 pm
PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hey Noah (if that's your name) and welcome to YWS! This is my 350th review and I'm also kinda rusty at reviewing, so take it with a grain of salt!

My first impression is that this is a bleak poem about how your anxiety and fears will make you think that nothing good will happen. What I thought was unusual was that normally those types of poems end on a slightly hopeful note and this didn't. At the same time, like 4revgreen said, I can also sense your emotions inside and I think I sometimes feel this a little. I'm sorry :( If this poem is meant for ranting, I'd suggest to skip the rest of my review. If you're looking for a critique, then here it is.

One thing that felt odd to me was how there was this juxtaposition of formal, fancy language and on the other side the more colloquial "Can you feel...?" questions. They ended up being mismatched and strange and maybe I'd like it if the language here could be adjusted slightly to reconcile the two. Maybe make the more formal "causing cataclysmic canyons in coloured agony" (by the way kudos for the alliteration ;) ) more everyday?

Another issue I had was that sometimes the the imagery felt a touch overdone? Like the phrase I quoted above? Sometimes it's hard to get the meaning when those kinds of phrases show up? I like complex language but sometimes too many in a row hinder what it's trying to say I think. And don't get me wrong, I like your imagery. I think it fits the overall tone of the poem, like something catastrophic. Just - I'd have preferred slightly simpler ones.

Let me know if there's something you want to ask me or tell me about!

-Ink




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Fri Apr 05, 2019 1:05 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



hey there. Just a quick review from me :-)

I can tell that the poem is about something close to your heart as the emotion comes through very strongly. It had some great imagery and I really connected with it. It flows so naturally and beautifully

The only thing I could 'critique' would be this line :


A reminder that through plastic plastered on smiles gracing moulded countenance

I'm not sure if it's just me, but it seems as though the word 'that' doesn't need to be there? It doesn't really make sense, unless I'm reading it wrong :-)

I liked the structure and the way it just kept flowing like one long train of thought and I especially liked the rhetorical questions.

Overall, I can tell you're a natural poet :-)

Regards,





People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
— Leo J. Burke