Young Writers Society

He was smiling at me! [s]He was smiling at me![/s] But why?

“Hi, Chris.” Oh. My. Gosh. He remembered my name! “Do you have anything going on tomorrow night?”

around 4:00

smile slowly spreading across his face.

“Then why don’t you ride home with her?” Landon replied.
“Sure, if that’s okay with Chris,” Everrett replied.

♥♥♥

Chrissy Cantel! What are you doing home so late?”

Hi, it's me again! I'm going to give you a proper once-over this time; a Mnesomeye special! *claps* Be warned, though; I'm a perfectionist, and I love nothing more than ironing a story out until there isn't even the faintest trace of a wrinkle.

There are a lot of wrinkles here. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

~ @ ~ @ ~ @ ~ @ ~

Chapter 2

"The Usual"

“No, I don’t think that I have anything planned. Why do you ask?”

I was hoping you could help me out with [s]trig[/s].

I know you understand it, so I thought [s]to ask you[/s] I'd ask if you could tutor me.

No, he wasn’t supposed to ask me that! He was supposed to ask me out! “Sure.” Why did I just say that?

“Okay, I’ll see you around 4:00 tomorrow then.”

“No, I guess I don’t,” Everrett said, [s]with[/s] a smile slowly spreading across his face.

“Well, okay. I’ll meet you here after school,” I said, [s]barely holding[/s] the smile on my face.

I waited until I couldn’t see him anymore, then I turned around and [s]just[/s] stared at Landon.

“Well, you said you liked him. So I [s]just[/s] gave you a chance.”

“I’m going to be the laughing stock of the whole school!”

I knew he would never get in, and that everyone would [s]know that he dissed me.[/s]

But - wait a minute - if the other girls saw him in my car (if he decided to get in, that is) - then I would be envied by every other girl in the sophomore and freshmen class.

I said to everyone [s]around me[/s] [s]as a slow smile spread across my face.[/s]

Annie knew what happened the last time I was alone with a [s]guy[/s] boy.

She always referred to him as the "poor guy"; he didn't talk to me after the date he took me on.

I knew she would never tell what happened, but I didn’t [s]even[/s] want to chance it.

I couldn’t stand her sometimes; she always had a smart-ass comment to share.

“Bye,” They all chorused behind me.

“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled when I stepped through the door of our house.

I went upstairs to my room, [s]I[/s] put [s]down[/s] my book bag down [s]next to[/s] by my bed and sprawled [s]myself[/s] on to my comforter, [s]my[/s] head buried in pillows.

I lay there, thinking about what had happened this afternoon.

I [s]just[/s] thought about what could happen in one afternoon.

I woke up, startled by the phone.

“You woke me up. I was dreaming about Everrett; he was just about to kiss me.”

“Oh great, not him again. Wait, [s]did[/s] have you cleaned your room yet?”

“Not yet; why?” I asked.

“Because, honey, you seem to take a long time to clean everything; and if I know you, your room is a mess right now.” I heard the [s]laugh[/s] laughter in her voice, and [s]I was about to snap at her for saying that[/s] nearly snapped at her for it, but as I looked around [s]my[/s] the room I noticed that the only clean [s]areas[/s] parts / bits were [s]my[/s] thewalls and [s]my[/s] ceiling.

[s]There was outright laughing on the other end now.[/s]

“Just in case I’ll let you go. Bye!”

As I looked around my room I saw clothes littering the floor, and [s]just about every pair of shoes that I owned there as well[/s].

My bed was messed up because I'd slept on it, and a few feet away, my closet was half[s]-way[/s] closed against a mountain of junk [s]that[/s] I had collected from [s]my[/s] childhood.

So off I went cleaning everything in sight.

It was a good thing I had only slept for an hour; after another hour and a half of cleaning, the room still wasn't clean. [s]but[/s] However, mom [s]told me to[/s] came up and asked me to fix dinner, so I had to stop.

[s]So I went down stairs to fix something that was relatively easy.[/s] I prepared something relatively easy to make, and by the time it was done, my dad, Warren, and my brother, Nat, walked in the door.

“I have no idea; I was making dinner.”

“Denise! Where are you?” [s]my[/s] dad called.

“I’m in the living room,” [s]my[/s] mom called back.

“Dinner’s done,” I added. After we ate, my brother went to take his shower, and after I cleaned up I went to take mine. With all of my chores [s]done along with my homework[/s] and homework done, I [s]went[/s] retired to my room for the rest of the night. Waiting for tomorrow.

Hey guys. Thanks for all the critiques, they really help. If you have any suggestions for anything i should add, then please post it. Thanks sooo much!

I can't begin to tell you how bad I feel for being this late to R&R your work, school's just been so manic. But, I have made sure I had free time both today and yesterday to catch up on all my reviews, so here I am, ready and rearing to go!!
I hope this review helps you ...

Teddybear22 wrote:He was smiling at me. He was smiling at me! But why?
“Hey, Everrett.”
“Hi, Chris.” Oh. My. Gosh. He remembered my name! “Do you have anything going on tomorrow night?”
He was asking me out on a date! Finally, just when I thought that he would never [s]even[/s] notice me. “No, I don’t think that I have anything planned. Why do you ask?” Wow, that came out calmer than I expected.
[I love the use of speech combined with your MC's thoughts - it really breaks the speech down, so well done and it also lets us know more about your MC. However, by this point of an opening chapter you need to start giving hints as to where and when this conversation is taking place. Is it the next day, or is it still carrying on from your previous chapter? Let us know!! (: ]
“I was hoping you could help me out with trig. I know you understand it, so I thought to ask you if you could tutor me.”
No, he wasn’t supposed to ask me that! He was supposed to ask me out.[Replace with exclamation mark] “Sure.” Why did I just say that?
“Okay, I’ll see you around 4:00 tomorrow then.”
“Well, do you know where her house is?” Landon asked.[Where did she appear from? Or was she there all along - you need to make this clearer from the beginning of the chapter! Also, to break down the speech even more, I would love to know about facial expressions, maybe your MC analysing Everett's body language?][/b]
“No, I guess I don’t,” Everrett said with a smile slowly spreading across his face.
“Then why don’t you ride home with her?” Landon replied.
“Sure, if that’s okay with Chris,” Everrett replied.
“Well, okay. I’ll meet you here after school,” I said, [s]barley[/s] barely holding the smile on my face.
“Okay, see you then,[replace with full-stop]” He turned around and walked down the deserted hallway.
I waited until I couldn’t see him anymore, then I turned around and just stared at Landon[with what expression on her face - and Landon's as well?]. “Landon, how could you!?”
“Well, you said you liked him. I just gave you a chance.”
“You idiot! How could you do that to me?” My car was a VW Bug. No guy would be caught dead in it. “I’m going to be [s]that[/s] the laughing stock of the whole school.” [NP>>]I knew [s]he[/s] Everett would never get in my ___ car and everyone would know that he dissed me. But, wait a minute, if the other girls saw him in my car- if he decided to get in that is- then I would be envied by every other girl in the sophomore and freshmen class.[Replace with exclamation mark, and all of that should be in italics, as it's a direct thought] “Okay, he’ll ride home with me- if he gets in my car that is.[replace with comma]” I said to everyone[I thought it was only Landon and your MC there?? You need to make it clearer who's there and also where there is, pleaseeee (: ] around me as a slow smile spread across my face.
“Sure, okay. Let’s see if you keep it together this time.[replace with comma]” said Annie[comma] who knew what happened the last time I was alone with a guy. She always referred to him as the "poor guy",[replace with colon] he didn't ever talk to me after the date he took me on.[delete full-stop] and I did not want to repeat it.
“Shut up Annie!” I knew she would never tell what happened, but I didn’t even want to chance it.
“I didn’t say a word.” Annie couldn’t keep back the smirk on her face.
I couldn’t stand her sometimes, she always had a smart-ass comment. “I’m going home; I’m already late.”
“Bye.” They all chorused behind me.
♥♥♥
“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled when I stepped through the door of our house [major shortcut you have used here. I think that you should put in when she drives up to the house so we get a description of your house, and maybe even your MC's car? Does she like it, hate it ...].
“Chrissy Cantel! What are you doing home so late?” my mom yelled back.
“I got hung up at school. Nat’s not home yet is he?” I would never get any sleep with him in the house[who is he and why wouldn't she get any sleep?].
“No, he had to go to baseball practice.”
Thank God. I wouldn’t have to put up with my little brother for another two hours[ignore the first bit I put, but why wouldn't your MC get any sleep if he was at home?]. This was getting better by the minute [this comment sounds a bit sarcastic, so I would maybe rephrase it?]. I went [s]to my[/s] upstairs to my room, I put down my book bag next to my bed and[s] I [/s]sprawled myself out on my comforter, my head buried in pillows [This sentence is a little long, try breaking it up. And, also, be careful that you don't use 'I' too much]. I lay there thinking about what happened this afternoon.[replace with semi-colon] Everrett Crosby was going to be in my room tomorrow. I [s]just thought[/s] began to think about what could happen in one afternoon.
I woke up, startled by the phone. I reached for it, “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.” a ___ voice answered
“Oh, hey Gab,” I replied sleepily.
“Wow, you sure sound enthusiastic about me calling.”
“You woke me up. I was dreaming about Everrett, he was just about to kiss me.”
“Oh great, not him again. Wait, did you clean your room yet?”[Is Gab her friend? You may need to make it a little clearer...]
“Not yet, why?” I asked.
“Because honey, you seem to take a long time to clean everything, and if I know you, you're room is a mess right now.” I heard the laugh in her voice. I was about to snap at her for saying that, but as I looked around my room I noticed that the only clean areas were my walls and my ceiling.
“Oh great,” I mumbled to myself, not realizing that I still held the phone in my hand.
“See, I told you so.” There was outright laughing on the other end now.
“Okay, you’re right about that, but it won’t take me that long,” I told her.
“Just in case[comma] I’ll let you go. Bye”
“Bye,” I said and hung up the phone. “Crap!” I knew this was going to take awhile. I hate it when she’s right, I thought to myself. As I looked around my room I saw clothes littering the floor, and just about every pair of shoes that I owned there as well. My bed was messed up because I slept on it, [that's a bit of a strange thing to say, don't we all sleep in our beds? Either rephrase it, or delete it (: ]and a few feet away my closet was half-way closed against a mountain of junk that I had collected from my childhood.
So off I went cleaning everything in sight,[replace with full-stop] It was a good thing I had only slept for an hour, as after another hour and a half of cleaning my room my mom told me to fix dinner[why? What was her mum's reason?]. So I went down stairs to fix something that was relatively easy. By the time it was done my dad, [s]Warren Cantel[/s] [you don't really need to say your MC's dad's whole name, as this is written in the first person. You would only really do that if it was written in third.], and my brother, Nat, walked in the door.
“Hey Chris, where’s mom?” Nat asked.
“I have no idea, I was making dinner.”
“Denise! Where are you?” my dad called.
“I’m in the living room,” my mom called back.
“Dinner’s done,” I added. [NP>>]After we ate my brother went to take his shower. After I cleaned up I went to take mine. With all of my chores done[comma] along with my homework, I went to my room for the rest of the night. Waiting for tomorrow.

Note to lucyy: read this!!
Sorry that this is taking so long Teddy, but I promise you I will read and review this!! I promise I will review this as soon as I have time - school work is really limiting my time on here, grr =P
--Lucyy xx

Sorry Teddy that it took me so long to get to this. I've been too busy to come on and review yet. But now I have time and I'm ready to get started

Hopefully I will be of some help.

He was smiling at me. He was smiling at me! But why?

“Hey Everrett.”

“Hi Chris.”

Oh. My. Gosh. He remembered my name!

He was asking me out on a date! Finally, I thought that he would never even notice me.

Wow, that came out calmer than I expected.

No, he wasn’t supposed to ask me that! He was supposed to ask me out.

Why did I just say that?

“Sure, if that’s okay with Chris.” Everrett replied.

always referred to him as the "poor guy", he didn't talk to me after the date he took me on. I did not want to repeat it.

“Shut up Annie!”

“Chrissy Cantel! What are you doing home so late?” My mom yelled back.

“I got hung up at school. Nat’s not home yet is he?” I would never get any sleep with him in the house.

Everrett Crosby was going to be in my room tomorrow.

Oh, hey Gab.” I replied sleepily.

“Because honey, you seem to take a long time to clean everything, and if I know you, your room I a mess right now.”

“Bye.” I said and hung up the phone.

I hate it when she’s right, I thought to myself.

So I went down stairs to fix something that was relatively easy.

“Denise! Where are you?” My dad called.

“I’m in the living room,” My mom called back.

Heres your critique, FINALLY, I got to it.
Okay, first off. No !? or other double ending punctuation like this, in your case it would have been! not ? because shes not asking a question. It looks unprofessional when you do this.
Your story is going okay, but you need to polish it up some. You also need to understand that romance novels aren't my thing.
It seems a little cliche and you need to put some of your own into it. Of course, its only the first two chapters, so prove me wrong.
Well, work on you grammar, I saw some of your mistakes, and youre smart enough to read back over them and find them.
Other than that, your doing fine. Don't stress over it. This is just my honest opinion. Well, see you around, don't kill me when you see me at lunch Monday.
*ducks and runs*
Keep writing, and good luck.

hey everybody! i just posted this so please read it and critique. I can't get any better if you don't tell me what i'm doing wrong. so please help. thanks!