Chapter 2
"The Usual"
He was smiling at me. He was smiling at me! But why?
“Hey, Everrett.”
“Hi, Chris.” Oh. My. Gosh. He remembered my name! “Do you have anything going on tomorrow night?”
He was asking me out on a date! Finally, just when I thought that he would never notice me. “No, I don’t think that I have anything planned. Why do you ask?” Wow, that came out calmer than I expected.
“I was hoping you could help me out with trig. I know you understand it, so I thought to ask you if you could tutor me.”
No, he wasn’t supposed to ask me that! He was supposed to ask me out! “Sure.” Why did I just say that?
“Okay, I’ll see you around 4:00 tomorrow then.”
“Well, do you know where her house is?” Landon asked.
“No, I guess I don’t,” Everrett said with a smile slowly spreading across his face.
“Then why don’t you ride home with her?” Landon replied.
“Sure, if that’s okay with Chris,” Everrett replied.
“Well, okay. I’ll meet you here after school,” I said, barely holding the smile on my face.
“Okay, see you then.” He turned around and walked down the deserted hallway.
I waited until I couldn’t see him anymore, then I turned around and just stared at Landon. “Landon, how could you!?”
“Well, you said you liked him. I just gave you a chance.”
“You idiot! How could you do that to me?” My car was a VW Bug. No guy would be caught dead in it. “I’m going to be the laughing stock of the whole school.”
I knew he would never get in and everyone would know that he dissed me. But, wait a minute, if the other girls saw him in my car- if he decided to get in that is- then I would be envied by every other girl in the sophomore and freshmen class. “Okay, he’ll ride home with me- if he gets in my car that is.” I said to everyone around me as a slow smile spread across my face.
“Sure, okay. Let’s see if you keep it together this time.” Annie knew what happened the last time I was alone with a guy. She always referred to him as the "poor guy", he didn't talk to me after the date he took me on. I did not want to repeat it.
“Shut up Annie!” I knew she would never tell what happened, but I didn’t even want to chance it.
“I didn’t say a word.” Annie couldn’t keep back the smirk on her face.
I couldn’t stand her sometimes, she always had a smart-ass comment. “I’m going home; I’m already late.”
“Bye.” They all chorused behind me.
♥♥♥
“Mom, I’m home!” I yelled when I stepped through the door of our house.
“Chrissy Cantel! What are you doing home so late?” my mom yelled back.
“I got hung up at school. Nat’s not home yet is he?” I would never get any sleep with him in the house, he never left me alone.
“No, he had to go to baseball practice.”
Thank God. I wouldn’t have to put up with my little brother for another two hours. This was getting better by the minute. I went upstairs to my room, I put down my book bag next to my bed and sprawled myself on my comforter, my head buried in pillows. I lay there thinking about what happened this afternoon. Everrett Crosby was going to be in my room tomorrow. I just thought about what could happen in one afternoon.
I woke up, startled by the phone. I reached for it, “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s me.”
“Oh, hey Gab,” I replied sleepily.
“Wow, you sure sound enthusiastic about me calling.”
“You woke me up. I was dreaming about Everrett, he was just about to kiss me.”
“Oh great, not him again. Wait, did you clean your room yet?”
“Not yet, why?” I asked.
“Because honey, you seem to take a long time to clean everything, and if I know you, your room is a mess right now.” I heard the laugh in her voice. I was about to snap at her for saying that, but as I looked around my room I noticed that the only clean areas were my walls and my ceiling.
“Oh great,” I mumbled to myself, not realizing that I still held the phone in my hand.
“See, I told you so.” There was outright laughing on the other end now.
“Okay, you’re right about that, but it won’t take me that long,” I told her.
“Just in case I’ll let you go. Bye”
“Bye,” I said and hung up the phone. “Crap!” I knew this was going to take awhile. I hate it when she’s right, I thought to myself. As I looked around my room I saw clothes littering the floor, and just about every pair of shoes that I owned there as well. My bed was messed up because I slept on it, and a few feet away my closet was half-way closed against a mountain of junk that I had collected from my childhood.
So off I went cleaning everything in sight. It was a good thing I had only slept for an hour, after another hour and a half of cleaning my room my mom told me to fix dinner. So I went down stairs to fix something that was relatively easy. By the time it was done my dad, Warren, and my brother, Nat, walked in the door.
“Hey Chris, where’s mom?” Nat asked.
“I have no idea, I was making dinner.”
“Denise! Where are you?” my dad called.
“I’m in the living room,” my mom called back.
“Dinner’s done,” I added. After we ate my brother went to take his shower. After I cleaned up I went to take mine. With all of my chores done along with my homework, I went to my room for the rest of the night. Waiting for tomorrow.
End of chapter
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139,486 Literary Works • 672,577 Reviews
I don't really see the need for the repeat...
LOL sooo realistic thought. Maybe instead of gosh... unless she's one of those polite people(?) say 'god' or 'holy luck' or something more powerful?
four-pm, around four tomorrow
with a slow smile.
Use another word than replied. 2 lines in a row is a no-no
Paragraph break? ha . Cool.
Cantel is her last name? I don't really like it... sorry. Just here, it does not fit...
This an average chapter. After the bit about helping Everrett it slowly died down to just everday stuff. That's fine, every novel has it! But what do her folks look like? Young, old, wrinkled, pale, bronzed right off a magazine cover?
And why does she just shut off after her meeting with Everrett?? Because she quite literally shut up. We never saw back into her head. Try to dribble it throughout to keep it steady, to have her voice there, even if not a major presence.
Hi, it's me again! I'm going to give you a proper once-over this time; a Mnesomeye special! *claps* Be warned, though; I'm a perfectionist, and I love nothing more than ironing a story out until there isn't even the faintest trace of a wrinkle.
There are a lot of wrinkles here. I think I'm going to enjoy this.
~ @ ~ @ ~ @ ~ @ ~
Oh yes, here comes the nit-pickiness! When I clicked on the story and read "the usual", I thought somebody was talking and got really disoriented. Put this on the same line as 'chapter 2', and then put a few dashed lines below it. This will help tremendously.
This doesn't sound calm - it sounds patronising, almost un-natural. No teenager of this generation would ever, ever say "no I do not think that I have anything planned". It belongs to the times where women weren't allowed to wear trousers. Try bringing the register up to par with the 21st century: No, don't think so. Why?
Trig? Trig... where have I heard that before? Err... hmm. Oh, I remember now! Trigonometry! Ahhhhh. However, to save us that little internal dialouge, don't abbreviate it. Trigonometry is still cool to say.
If you see something bold within quotation marks, it means that I've edited your work within the quote brackets. No sweat.
I think you should put each of these sentences on seperate lines. That would make it funnier.
Ooh, that's a little direct, isn't it? I suppose this is coming from a guy that's used to breaking girls' hearts, though. *grins* However, this could possibly be 4am. I know that most of us have the common sense to work it out for ourselves, but add 'pm' after it just in case.
Player. *laughs*
What does 'barely holding' mean? Is she upset with Landon, and trying hard to stop scowling? Or is she so happy that she's trying to stop herself from smiling? That phrase is v. confusing.
'Just' clutters the sentence without actually doing anything to it. Leave it out.
Woah. This girl is shallow.
The 'know that he dissed me' is the infamous, classic mark of a high school fic. I have a golden rule for you, and it is this. Unless there is literally no other word left, DON'T use the word diss!! It automatically dates your work; that's why when people write stories in a different time period, they tend to use the slang that accompanied that time.
You using the word 'diss' screams 'cliche American authour from the 00's'. Harsh, but very true.
The punctuation errors made this paragraph a little messy, but it's nothing a solid pair of brackets can't solve.
*giggles* Wow, I just crossed out the entire quote! Basically: if you're saying something to everyone, it's quite natural that those people would be around you; you don't need to say it. The second thing was that you've already used the 'slow smile spreading across face' line with Everett, so if you repeat it we get bored and switch off. Try something else - what about "with a sly grin"? Or "feeling my face light up in happiness"? In writing, the further you move from the status quo, the better.
You use the word 'guy' straight after, which (even though it's a little word!) makes people bored. Seeing as it follows straight on from what I just said before, it really turns us off. Repetitiveness is only treasured when it is being used for effect.
The sentence seems unfinished, somehow, but I'm not sure how to alter it other than 'to share'.
As LLS said: comma comma comma comma comma. That one little punctuation mark changed the entire meaning of that sentence.
So her house consists of some walls, and the door she's stepped through. We need more description here, dude!
You've tried too hard here. Try leaving out pronouns every once in a while, eh?
Crickey - stop using the word just, dude!
...I'm being serious! That's how we speak... at least, that's how the girls in Hertfordshire speak, anyway.
But she wasn't sleeping - she was thinking "about what could happen in one afternoon". If she's sleeping, you need to change 'thinking' to 'dreaming about'.
But I swear she was thinking! Man, we must've gotten caught up in some time warp or somethin'.
This was really untidy, and I'm saying this now to save myself from explaining it with every quotation: you don't need to make the pronoun posessive with every single noun! In fact, sometimes you don't even NEED pronouns. If you don't know what a pronoun is/don't know what I'm on about, search "The Guide to Grammar and Writing" on SearchKindly.com - it'll really help you out in this department.
This whole sentence sounds forced. What about: She had stopped trying to hide her laughter.
You put in the 'just' and it all went downhill from there. Try: As I looked around my room I saw clothes littering the floor, along with every pair of shoes I owned.
Attack of the possesive pronouns! D:
Nah - this completely jars the entire story. Leave it out, and stick with something simple like 'I began cleaning.'
You ran two sentences together in a totally illogical manner; the quotation before I added the bits in bold in made no sense to me. It was as if you had begun an idea, gotten bored, and jammed it onto another one in the hope that we wouldn't notice. *grins* Sorry to burst the bubble, hun! *giggles*
The sentence I've crossed out didn't sound too good read aloud, especially not leading off the previous sentence - and that's before I altered it. You're sort of beginning to 'flat write' - that is, just writing what's going on and nothing else. And, just like a flat object, it's really boring to look at/read. What about describing what they look like, or going into detail about where they had been? We get none of that - it's like a step by step account of Chris' day.
ATTACK OF THE POSSESIVE PRONOUNS! *gasps*
EGAD, THEYR'E EVERYWHERE! *grabs a shotgun*
I'm sorry - I really am. But I'll copy and paste exactly the same thing that I mentioned earlier: "You're [s]sort of beginning to 'flat write'[/s] flat writing, period - that is, just writing what's going on and nothing else. And, just like a flat object, it's really boring to look at/read."
Overall comments
This review took me nearly four hours to do simply because I got bored half way through and took a two hour break. You can tell where the break is because I go from being optimistic to pessimistic in a heartbeat!
If there's one thing you learn from this review, it should be this: less narration, much, MUCH more description. We want to see and feel and hear and taste what's going on; we want to be immersed into the story. If the story doesn't give us access to those senses - i.e. doesn't give us something for our eyes to conjure up, our noses to smell or our hands to feel - then it becomes boring. That's why the news is so exaggerated these days.
I hope I haven't upset you too much, I don't want to scare away a newbie!
Oh - and one more thing. I BEG OF YOU; STOP USING POSESSIVE PRONOUNS!! *dies laughing* Please!! We know that she's a rather selfish girl, but seriously, it was too much!!
"I sat down on my chair in my room and used my fingers to type on my laptop to my friend--"
Can you see why I'm so touchy about this? And I'm not even exaggerating!! Go back through your work, unedited, and you'll see exactly what I'm on about.
Anyway, I've done enough talking. This is DEFINATELY my last review for the day. Phew! Sorry I haven't gone to your next chapter, but man, four hours is ENOUGH. (I hope you agree.
Hope ya have fun with the narration!
Hey guys. Thanks for all the critiques, they really help. If you have any suggestions for anything i should add, then please post it. Thanks sooo much!
I can't begin to tell you how bad I feel for being this late to R&R your work, school's just been so manic. But, I have made sure I had free time both today and yesterday to catch up on all my reviews, so here I am, ready and rearing to go!!
I hope this review helps you ...
Last Minute Views
Your MC
Your MC's thoughts/emotions etc were very clear, and her character very well developed so great job, no improvements needed there!! =D
Describing Surroundings
This was the only major thing I picked up on which I think you need to work on. Your MC's surroundings were vague and lacked description, so I was unable to paint a picture of your Mc's surroundings. Also, at the start of this chapter, I was confused as to where the conversation between your MC and Everett was taking place and also how many of her friends were present during their conversation. So, what I think you need to work on id improving your descriptions of your MC's surroundings, and also you making sure you don't skip over any details (i.e. how many people were there at the beginning of the chapter).
Plot
The overall plot of your story is very sweet and easy-reading, which is great!! Awesome stuff
Overall Thoughts
I really enjoyed reading this and I thought that your writing has improved since your previous chapter, which is great! There was only one thing which I thought that you could work on, as the other aspects of this chapter were all present and correct and in good form
I really hoped this review helped you, and that I wasn't too harsh. If you have any questions or want any additional help/reviews, don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be happy to help =D
Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx
Note to lucyy: read this!!
Sorry that this is taking so long Teddy, but I promise you I will read and review this!! I promise I will review this as soon as I have time - school work is really limiting my time on here, grr =P
--Lucyy xx
Sorry Teddy that it took me so long to get to this. I've been too busy to come on and review yet. But now I have time and I'm ready to get started
Hopefully I will be of some help.
Should be in intalics because this is her thoughts.
Comma before "Everrett"
Comma before "Chris"
Okay, again, thoughts in italics.
Thoughts in italics.
Italics.
Italics.
Italics.
Should be a comma instead of a period after "Chris"
Why didn't he? What did she do? I would go into more detail here.
Comma before "up"
Lowercase "m" on "my" here
Wait, I thought she was giving that guy Emerrett a ride to her house? Where is he?
Oh, okay, ignore the comment above
Should be a comma instead of a period after "Gab"
Should be "is" instead of "I" here
Comma instead of a period after "Bye"
All the bolded stuff should be in italics.
"Downstairs" is one word.
Lowercase "m" on "my" here
Lowercase "m" on "my" here
Okay, I really only pointed out dialouge stuff and little spelling mistakes, which all are pretty minor stuff.
What I really want to talk about is your story-telling stuff. It was decent in the beginning, but then you drifted off to the "List" style where it just sounds like you are reading off of a list while teling a story
Keep Writing!
Heres your critique, FINALLY, I got to it.
Okay, first off. No !? or other double ending punctuation like this, in your case it would have been! not ? because shes not asking a question. It looks unprofessional when you do this.
Your story is going okay, but you need to polish it up some. You also need to understand that romance novels aren't my thing.
It seems a little cliche and you need to put some of your own into it. Of course, its only the first two chapters, so prove me wrong.
Well, work on you grammar, I saw some of your mistakes, and youre smart enough to read back over them and find them.
Other than that, your doing fine. Don't stress over it. This is just my honest opinion. Well, see you around, don't kill me when you see me at lunch Monday.
*ducks and runs*
Keep writing, and good luck.
hey everybody! i just posted this so please read it and critique. I can't get any better if you don't tell me what i'm doing wrong. so please help. thanks!