,,Please, make it go away''

...

Vast, bountiful landscape stretching as far as eyes can see. Birds chirping, bees buzzing inside freshly bloomed flowers. Spring is in its prime, where better to see it than the countryside? A lonely bus rolling slowly through the empty road, as if giving a chance to soak the view in. Music in your headphones, blasting in sync with the lull of the bus. To think you weren't eager to come back here. But you weren't. Whatever positive feelings appeared with this sight were quickly replaced by bitter nostalgia. All you ever wanted was to leave this place, yet here we go again. As you move forward, more foreign though familiar land unfolds before your eyes intensifying the dull stab in your chest

In the distance you can spot faint shapes of cottages, getting closer every second. It looks nothing like the place you've been living in lately-a small flat in the heart of the city, bursting with life. It barely contained your lively character, but you liked it. It was truly yours and it felt like home. Still, no matter how you hoped to stay there, you couldn't. The place that felt so warm and welcoming in the beginning started losing it's spark, so did you.

And you couldn't help but ask yourself-why? Why did it turn out this way? Why does it feel like you'll never find a home on earth as if it never existed in the first place? Maybe it doesn't...? After all, you worked so ruthlessly to run away from here with a promise of a fresh start, far from people who mistreated and abused you. Only to return at last. You always manage to fall into a hole, don't you? Whatever promises were made, melted away. As they always do, thus you weren't that shocked.

At first, you felt overwhelmed by how astonishingly gorgeous the city was. Everyone welcomed you with open arms and you found your people instantly. All that was too good to be truth though. Not long after you let the guard down did things start going south. Laughs at seemingly normal matters and purposefully quieting you down was only the beginning. Still, it was all it took for your, already poor, mental health to crumble bit by bit. As it did, they took advantage of your vulnerable self, and you let them...

Although you struggle with poor memory, one situation circles vividly in your mind. When your trusted friend hid your toy. It's stupid, you're aware. After all, you're not a kid anymore, are you? But they mean so much to you. Those little trinkets fill the void of loneliness in your soul, keep you from drowning. No one else has ever seen the real you, if "real you" even exists.

Knowing how much it meant to you, he still blatantly took it. Without asking, trying to gaslight you into thinking you lost it. Driving you into a spiral and clearly enjoying it. Remember, you're the one who gave it to him. It's all your fault. It always is your fault.

Nonetheless, you talked it out and it ended. You stopped feeling helpless around your classmates, instead finding a profound confidence rising within you, pushing you to be yourself. Oh, the disappointment...

For a while, things were... Tolerable. Until you ruined everything. You should keep your mouth in check, don't you know? Didn't you prove more than once that you're better off quiet? Can't you even do that right? Who knows what might "slip up" next. You got back at him, at least. You hurt him with that foul mouth of yours, but who cares? He took something that didn't belong to him, so he deserved it. You should've said more, had you known the consequences. Or stayed quiet and nothing of that would've happened at all. And you'd keep on living in your illusionary utopia, blissfully unaware.

Sweetie, wipe your tears. Don't feel guilty, you're not the one to blame...

...But are you sure it's his fault? After all you're the one who acted out of line, others acted accordingly. She just admitted she liked him better, now they're both happy. Maybe she needed an excuse good enough to leave? Maybe she hated you all along, as did everyone else? Well, she surely does now. So does he and others. Oh, how well they get along without you.

How naive of you to think you might've been their friend. They just wanted to take advantage of you, when you showed them that they can. Initially, you led those leeches to believe that's all you're good for, and honestly? That might be true. It's so pathetic of you to think they'll spend time with you if you give them something. With how different you are? With the height they hover above you? Even making fun of you became boring. It was fun while it lasted, at least for them, then it became nothing more than a waste of their time. Truly, I'm surprised they held onto you for that long. Maybe when you showed them your rotten insides they decided it's time? One way or another, they're disgusted with you, no need to dwell.

Oh! Now that I think about it, I recall them calling you kind, loveable, sociable and similar crap. You believed that? Please, don't make me laugh. You're such a fool.

Remember how they treated you? How they made you feel? When they purposefully didn't include you in conversations, ignored you, talked about personal things? Laughed at your very word, promised to do better just to shut you up... They replaced you. You knew from the start they'd do that.

What about the urge? The view those few stories down and your pin necklace abandoned somewhere in your house? The surge going through your body, pushing you closer against your will. You didn't obey. Coward.

See what they did to you? Literally pushed to the edge. Still pleading for their attention? Pathetic. Maybe you should've-

"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU ANYMORE!"

Honey, calm down. You're scaring the bus driver.

"I DON'T CARE! JUST BE QUIET FOR A SECOND! I DON'T WANNA LISTEN TO YOUR LIES ANYMORE!"

Dear, don't cry. Your make-up will smudge. You're embarrassing yourself...

"ALL YOU SAY IS BULLSH*T! YOU D*MN LIAR"

Shhh, shhh... There, there. I'll be by your side forever. I sheltered you from them and brought you back here. I'll save you, always. Now get up, it's your stop!

...

,,..it's that quiet voice at the back of your head"