@Sheytato THERE'S A POTATO
So I had this idea for a cartoon about sentient vegetables and their lives. Here is a scene from the what would be the season finale.
Plot up until now:
In the kitchen world, education is one of the most important things in a young food’s life. After a year of trifle and strife at Veggie school, a young potato named Spudlet has created strong bonds with his fellow classmates, including his crush Broccoli, his best friend Tomato and even the school bully Karot (Carrot). However, Tomato has mysteriously disappeared, and it’s up to Spudlet and his friends to find him.
Tomato opened his eyes only to see he was surrounded by darkness. He tried to stand up, but his hands and feet were bound tightly with a thick rope.
“What, where am I?” He mumbled sleepily as his eyes searched the room.
“Good to see you awake.” said a voice. Tomato jumped, then began looking wildly around for the source of the noise. The faint outline of a shadowy figure was visible through the gloom. A few distant memories started to surface in the back of his mind, but this only made him more confused.
“Who are you?” He asked curiously. The figure looked as if it was about to speak when another voice echoed throughout the room.
“You’ve already forgotten us?” it sneered. “I heard rumours your pathetic school used brainwashing techniques in class but I never thought it was true.”
“Cut him some slack.” said the first voice. “L hit him pretty hard.”
“Hmph. He deserved it.” grunted a third voice, who tomato assumed to be “L”. Tomato’s senses had started to focus now, and the outlines of the figures were becoming clearer. As they whispered amongst themselves, he realised their voices seemed vaguely familiar.
“You still haven’t answered my questions” Tomato pointed out, and the three chatting figures turned to look at him.
“Don’t you remember Tom Tom?” The first voice said, as she walked closer and closer towards him. Tom Tom. Why did that sound so familiar? The lights flickered on, illuminating the abandoned classroom, and as Tomato saw the faces of his mysterious kidnappers, the nagging thoughts he had kept at the back of his mind these last few months finally broke free.
“No…It can’t be…Peach?” he stammered, as she and the other fruits walked slowly towards him.
“Smile, Tom Tom.” She whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes. “You’re finally home.”
@Sheytato THERE'S A POTATO
Hey there, ThemagicalEbonyFox!
I have a few thoughts on the writing:
A few distant memories started to surface in the back of his mind, but this only made him more confused.
This was an effective way to show that his mind was 'waking up'.
“No…It can’t be…Peach?” he stammered, as she and the other fruits walked slowly towards him.
When 'Peach' was talking before he realised her identity, I thought she was a boy. You might want to add a couple adjectives or something to fix this.
I don't really see how this could be the finale episode. Is it leading the way to season 2? Either way, it felt a little unfinished. Where is home? What does he think is going to happen in 'home'? Even if you finish on a cliffhanger, those two questions ought to be answered, in my opinion.
My thoughts on the overall plot are that this could be a good kids story. It could teach them about veggies, fruit, where they came from, etc. But also about bullying and relationships. I think you just need to expand it a bit. Do you have a plan about how the characters will reach this point?
My opinion is that if you've got the story in your mind, you should definitely write it down.
Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review, courtesy of RevMo
Using 'food' that way sounds a little bit awkward, so I would replace it with 'vegetable' or something like that.education is one of the most important things in a young food’s life.
Here's where a missing comma confused me a little. I assume that you mean 'Don't you remember, Tom Tom?', but the missing comma suggests that Tom Tom is a direct object instead of a way of addressing Tom.“Don’t you remember Tom Tom?
Usually, it works better to say "Smile, Tom Tom," she whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes." to keep everything flowing.“Smile, Tom Tom.” She whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes.
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