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Tomato has been Kidnapped!!! (Possibly part one if I decide to continue this.)

by ThemagicalEbonyFox


So I had this idea for a cartoon about sentient vegetables and their lives. Here is a scene from the what would be the season finale. 

Plot up until now:

In the kitchen world, education is one of the most important things in a young food’s life. After a year of trifle and strife at Veggie school, a young potato named Spudlet has created strong bonds with his fellow classmates, including his crush Broccoli, his best friend Tomato and even the school bully Karot (Carrot). However, Tomato has mysteriously disappeared, and it’s up to Spudlet and his friends to find him.

Tomato opened his eyes only to see he was surrounded by darkness. He tried to stand up, but his hands and feet were bound tightly with a thick rope.

“What, where am I?” He mumbled sleepily as his eyes searched the room.

“Good to see you awake.” said a voice. Tomato jumped, then began looking wildly around for the source of the noise. The faint outline of a shadowy figure was visible through the gloom. A few distant memories started to surface in the back of his mind, but this only made him more confused.

“Who are you?” He asked curiously. The figure looked as if it was about to speak when another voice echoed throughout the room.

“You’ve already forgotten us?” it sneered. “I heard rumours your pathetic school used brainwashing techniques in class but I never thought it was true.”

“Cut him some slack.” said the first voice. “L hit him pretty hard.”

“Hmph. He deserved it.” grunted a third voice, who tomato assumed to be “L”. Tomato’s senses had started to focus now, and the outlines of the figures were becoming clearer. As they whispered amongst themselves, he realised their voices seemed vaguely familiar.

“You still haven’t answered my questions” Tomato pointed out, and the three chatting figures turned to look at him.

“Don’t you remember Tom Tom?” The first voice said, as she walked closer and closer towards him. Tom Tom. Why did that sound so familiar? The lights flickered on, illuminating the abandoned classroom, and as Tomato saw the faces of his mysterious kidnappers, the nagging thoughts he had kept at the back of his mind these last few months finally broke free.

“No…It can’t be…Peach?” he stammered, as she and the other fruits walked slowly towards him.

“Smile, Tom Tom.” She whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes. “You’re finally home.”

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Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:35 pm
zaminami says...



@Sheytato THERE'S A POTATO




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Sat Sep 02, 2017 11:36 pm
Dracula wrote a review...



Hey there, ThemagicalEbonyFox!

I have a few thoughts on the writing:

A few distant memories started to surface in the back of his mind, but this only made him more confused.
This was an effective way to show that his mind was 'waking up'.

“No…It can’t be…Peach?” he stammered, as she and the other fruits walked slowly towards him.
When 'Peach' was talking before he realised her identity, I thought she was a boy. You might want to add a couple adjectives or something to fix this.

I don't really see how this could be the finale episode. Is it leading the way to season 2? Either way, it felt a little unfinished. Where is home? What does he think is going to happen in 'home'? Even if you finish on a cliffhanger, those two questions ought to be answered, in my opinion.

My thoughts on the overall plot are that this could be a good kids story. It could teach them about veggies, fruit, where they came from, etc. But also about bullying and relationships. I think you just need to expand it a bit. Do you have a plan about how the characters will reach this point?

My opinion is that if you've got the story in your mind, you should definitely write it down. :D




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Sat Sep 02, 2017 1:25 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review, courtesy of RevMo :)

education is one of the most important things in a young food’s life.
Using 'food' that way sounds a little bit awkward, so I would replace it with 'vegetable' or something like that.

“Don’t you remember Tom Tom?
Here's where a missing comma confused me a little. I assume that you mean 'Don't you remember, Tom Tom?', but the missing comma suggests that Tom Tom is a direct object instead of a way of addressing Tom.

“Smile, Tom Tom.” She whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes.
Usually, it works better to say "Smile, Tom Tom," she whispered soothingly, staring into his large, brown eyes." to keep everything flowing.

So overall, this was a funny and cute idea, but it dropped off suddenly and didn't really have all the components to make it a full story. It didn't have a resolution and an ending, and it did lack a bit of an introduction/exposition. We got to the part where Tom had been kidnapped by "Peach", but Spudlet and his friends never solved the problem! That implies that there would be a part two, but since that wasn't stated in your title, the reader doesn't know and is left hanging, but not in a good way.

As far as the idea of vegetables and fruits in their respective lives, I think that another thing you could do to improve would talk a bit more about how their different shapes, colors, etc. An example of this would be when Peach looked into Tomato's brown eyes. Now, tomatoes don't have brown eyes, so you could say something like 'rounded face', or have some jokes by the captors aimed at how Tomato was a fat tomato. Things like that will make the fact that they're food more of a center part of the plot instead of something that was left on the back burner.

TL;DR:
As a summary of my review, I corrected some grammatical mistakes and offered some suggestions in the beginning, and then moved on to talking about how the story felt incomplete and lacked some crucial parts, specifically the resolution of the plot. I also mentioned how the fact that they were all food was left on the back burner and didn't play a central role in the plot. But overall, I tried to offer you some serious suggestions on a piece that's purpose was to be funny and amusing, so hopefully this helps your writing style, and have fun expanding this if you want to, but if you don't want to, that's fine too! If you have any questions about this review or anything else that I'm connected with, feel free to contact me, and I'll do my best to help you out!

Best wishes,
MJ






Thanks for the review MJ. This was just an idea in my head that I needed to get onto paper. I liked this so much I thought I'd post it on YWS and see what kind of feedback I'd get, but if you think it'd work better as a full story, then maybe it's something I could think about in the future. I'm sure I'd enjoy writing the rest of it. Again, thanks for taking the time to check this story out during this busy Revmo season, and I look forward to seeing you around.





I've also updated the title to make things less confusing.




“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell