Young Writers Society

Hi, Fox. I hope you're settling in nicely to YWS! I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a review for you today.

I'll start with the positives. You've got a nice, fluid writing style, a good sense of setting and a generally strong grasp on grammar. The piece shows your skills and makes for a sweet little scene, though I think it needs extending and developing before it can truly be called a story.

When I review, I usually start with nitpicks and close with some overall thoughts, so that's what I'll do now. Here we go!

Nitpicks

A relaxing collection of jazz classics was playing in the background from my old retro stereo

There is nothing particularly wrong with this line, but I think it could be better. The trouble with words like 'relaxing' is that they're subjective. They tell the reader relatively little because everyone has different ideas about what relaxing music actually is.

When you're describing things, try to be more specific. Jazz classics are playing, yes, but what instruments can the narrator hear? Piano? Saxophone? What's the pace of the music? Does it sound mellow or languid or smooth? When you give detail, the scene is enriched. You don't need to go nuts, because too much information quickly gets tiresome, but a little goes a long way.

In a mix of astonishment and amazement, I ran forward and embraced him in a tight hug.

This is telling writing. If you're not familiar with showing and telling, they're basically two types of writing techniques. Telling involves explicitly stating information (e.g. 'he was angry') whereas showing involves implying information (e.g. 'he flushed and clenched his fists'). They're both important, but they have to be used in the right circumstances.

In the case of this quote, showing would be more appropriate. Instead of telling us that she is astonished and amazed, try to show it by describing how she looks, or the actual physical details of how she feels. You could have something like this:

My mouth hanging open, I laughed, then ran forward and embraced him in a tight hug.

This is only an example, but you can see how it implies the narrator's feelings rather than spelling them out. Showing and telling is a massive topic that I couldn't fully cover here, so feel free to read this lovely article for a quick overview in what it is and how it's done.

His hand crawled up from my cheek, and he began running his fingers through my silky hair.

I'd delete that comma. I like the use of 'crawled', by the way.

"You're the most beautiful girl I know." He said, grinning at me.

Just watch how you punctuate dialogue. If the dialogue is followed by a dialogue tag (e.g. 'he said', 'she said') it should never be closed with a full stop. It should be closed with a comma - or an exclamation mark or question mark, depending on the circumstances.

Dialogue tags should never be capitalised, either. In short, the line should look like this:

"You're the most beautiful girl I know," he said, grinning at me.

Swing by this great YWS topic for a crash course in punctuation in dialogue. It's a really quick and helpful read.

"Promise you'll never forget that." I gazed into his gorgeous eyes, hypnotised by their beauty.

Start a new line after the dialogue.

"I promise." I said

Same little punctuation hiccup. Change the full stop after 'promise' to a comma.

Overall Thoughts

1) Not many nitpicks, which is good. You're evidently a very fluent writer, though I think you could stand to be more specific and sensory in your description. Don't just focus on how things look, but on how they smell, taste, sound and feel.

2) Whilst it is precisely written, is it really a story? It doesn't contain any conflict, ending very much in the same place that it starts. Perfection isn't interesting to read about, which is why all good writing tends to focus on change and disturbances in a character's life. This might work as the opening to a short story, but you'd need to extend it and introduce some kind of hook to really give weight to the piece. Perhaps the evening seems perfect but something goes wrong. Perhaps she wakes up and her husband is gone. Perhaps the reason the husband has gone to this much effort for her is because he's feeling guilty about something. There needs to be some kind of mystery, something to pull the reader in. It doesn't have to be huge and dramatic, but there needs to be something.

3) I'd like a bit more interaction between the wife and the husband, too. I don't really know anything about their personalities. Perhaps include a few snatches of their conversation over dinner. What do they talk about when they're together? What interests and jokes do they share? Dialogue is the best way to characterise.

I'll call the review there! I hope this was helpful and that I wasn't too harsh. You've got a nice grasp of language and an accessible writing style, but you just need to integrate a little more plot and progression into the piece. If you've any questions about what I said in this review, don't hesitate to ask.

Keep writing!
~Pan