This is something random I wrote a while ago, and I decided to post it on here. Please be as brutally honest as possible, as this is not a genre I usually write in and I'd like to see how I could improve.
I returned home to find our ornate dining room dimly lit by a collection of lavender scented candles, and the usually bare table laid out with shimmering crockery. A relaxing collection of jazz classics was playing in the background from my old retro stereo, and there in front of me he stood, dressed up in the very shirt and tie he wore the first time we were lucky enough to lay eyes upon each other. In a mix of astonishment and amazement, I ran forward and embraced him in a tight hug.
“What’s all this?” I asked, frantically searching the back of my mind in case today was an important occasion I had forgotten. He chuckled, then sensing my confusion, explained that he just wanted to surprise me. A wave of relief and relaxation washed over me as I took my seat at the table, and he hurried off to the kitchen. He returned with a full roast chicken, complete with an assortment of finely chopped vegetables and gourmet sauces. I laid back in my chair, completely at ease as the wonderful smells of the dishes into my nostrils. I took up my cutlery, and he took up his, and we both wasted no time in indulging as much as we could. After we were both certain we were unable to consume anymore of the food, no matter how well prepared it was, I retired to my bedroom and changed out of my tight work clothes and into a pair of baggy jeans, accompanied by my favourite sweater.
When I walked into the living room I found him there waiting for me, smiling that charming smile. He had now removed his jacket and tie, but I must say he looked no less alluring than before. I curled up on the sofa next to him, feeling the warmth of his strong yet gentle hand as he stroked my pale cheeks. I stayed this way for quite some time, never wanting the blissful sensation to end. His hand crawled up from my cheek, and he began running his fingers through my silky hair.
"You're the most beautiful girl I know." He said, grinning at me. "Promise you'll never forget that." I gazed into his gorgeous eyes, hypnotised by their beauty.
"I promise." I said, and I let my eyes close as I drifted off to sleep.
Hi, Fox. I hope you're settling in nicely to YWS! I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a review for you today.
I'll start with the positives. You've got a nice, fluid writing style, a good sense of setting and a generally strong grasp on grammar. The piece shows your skills and makes for a sweet little scene, though I think it needs extending and developing before it can truly be called a story.
When I review, I usually start with nitpicks and close with some overall thoughts, so that's what I'll do now. Here we go!
A relaxing collection of jazz classics was playing in the background from my old retro stereo
In a mix of astonishment and amazement, I ran forward and embraced him in a tight hug.
His hand crawled up from my cheek, and he began running his fingers through my silky hair.
"You're the most beautiful girl I know." He said, grinning at me.
"Promise you'll never forget that." I gazed into his gorgeous eyes, hypnotised by their beauty.
"I promise." I said
Most boring review.
I think, if you replace ",and" with a ";" it will look better (that's what i think).
"I returned home to find our ornate dining room dimly lit by a collection of lavender scented candles, and the usually bare table laid out with shimmering crockery"
And now on most of the writing.
I'm sorry dear, but the parts like "began running his fingers through my silky hair" are very very cliched.
What was the point of this piece of work?
Its like #date #love #dinner #romance , you know what i'm saying.
First I don't mean to demoralize you, it's just that, when I read something, I take an overview "what's the author trying to say". I know, this is short,and could be meant for the purpose of 'writing'. But that's what i feel about it.
Have a good day/night.
Hi Fox, Can l call you Fox. So this is my fisrt offical review so lets get into it.
First of all great job on the title, its very intriguing it made me want to keep on reading so good job there.
Choosing of words
I liked the way you choose your words, becaouse they relate to one another for exmple''A wave of relief and relaxation. In a mix of astonishment and amazement" nice one
The other thing l like is that the story or plot is very simple to understand right at the begining.
In general the sory is very sweet and short.
what l would propebly have done was just add a little susupense and enxity to it but thats just my.
Great story Fox keep it up.