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Young Writers Society



The Battle For New Earth Chapter One

by ThemagicalEbonyFox


The year 3000. After over half of humanity was wiped out in the Nuclear war of 2018, a small percentage of rich officials escaped from what was left of planet Earth to a space station built by the US government. Through years of development and hard work the small structure evolved into a planet sized utopia known to its residents as “New Earth.”

Ziek sped through the city suburbs, his long black hair flowing behind him in the breeze. He briefly glimpsed the towering apartment buildings and the recently built residential bungalows through his night vision goggles as he passed them at tremendous speed, before stopping outside the crumbling flat where his friend Luke was waiting for him. He climbed off his sleek new motorcycle and unzipped his rucksack, handing Luke a small silver pen drive. Luke pocketed it, and handed Ziek 5UC (Universal Currency) as payment.

“I’m surprised your dad hasn’t fired you yet.” Said Luke, as Ziek clambered back onto the motorcycle. “There’s hardly any need for a delivery boy with all the new drones being produced.” “None of them are as fast as me though.” Ziek said grinning, as he felt the engine roar beneath his feet. He waved Luke goodbye, then sped off back towards the centre of the city. By the time he arrived home the sun had already risen, and almost all the drunk lunatics who had been wandering around in his back garden were asleep. Ziek was planning to go straight to bed himself, but as soon as he opened the front door he was embraced in a tight hug by his mother.

“Oh, Ziek thank goodness your home!” She said, brushing the dust of his jacket. “Your father told me yesterday that you’d be on the nightshift again, he really overworks you. Now come into the kitchen and have some pancakes while I try and reason with the people outside.” Ziek did as he was told, trying not to fall asleep at the table whilst his mother delivered toast and blankets to the people outside. Ever since the new Shining Stars Night Club opened next door this had become part of her morning routine, and when Ziek asked why she did it, she said it was more effective then carrying them out the gate.

Ziek was halfway up the stairs to his bedroom when he heard a knock at the door. He opened it, and saw one of the company drones hovering there with a letter addressed to him. “Good morning Clark.” He said, taking the package from him. “What was your time today?” “Ten minutes and forty-two seconds Master Boltman.” Said the Drone. Ziek nodded, and shut the door smiling. His best was 8.56.

Ziek climbed up the stairs into his room, and collapsed onto his silver hammock, swinging side to side. The sun was now streaming in through the window, which made sleep notoriously difficult. Still, eventually, his tired eyes flickered shut and he drifted off to sleep, blissfully unaware that 20 million kilometres away, an Alien fleet was heading straight towards the New Earth Space Station.

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561 Reviews

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Mon Aug 14, 2017 7:27 pm
Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review :)

First of all, I think that this chapter was a little bit on the shorter side. I ran it through a word counter, and it said that your first chapter was a little over 500 words. Generally speaking, for this site a normal length is about 1,000-2,000 words. You don't have to make it longer, but you're not really on track for a novel if every chapter is only 500 words. Just so you're aware.

There were a couple of grammar errors that I'm sure you'd catch if you combed through it again and reread it carefully, small things like saying 'your' instead of 'you're' and missing commas and run-on sentences.

And as my final grammar note, whenever someone else speaks, it gets a new paragraph. For example, if I have a conversation I would want it to go like this.

"How was your day?" Mom asked.

"Good," I replied. "I got an A on my history test."

"Good job!"

"Thank you."


And now for the actual notes on the story:
I think that it could be expanded and made a little more intricate, by adding in some paragraphs and drawing out some of the actions. For example, when Ziek was riding to meet Luke, you can describe how he felt. Does he feel exhilirated? Why? How fast is he going? Is the sun setting? What time is it? Who does he see? What does he hear? How does it make him feel? Answering questions like that can make the scenes more interesting and help the characters better understand the character.

Your overall writing style is strong and varied; the verbs are descriptive and clear. The idea is interesting and different from other science fiction stories that we've seen, and you do a good job of weaving in both familiar elements while introducing some ways that the world is different.

Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you need anything/have any questions, I'd be happy to help. Keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ






Thank you.



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Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:00 pm
Irislillygray says...



Good start to your story! I liked it! Here are a few tips I have. I hope they help you!
This sentence is a little choppy,
"He climbed off his sleek new motorcycle and unzipped his rucksack, handing Luke a small silver pen drive"
The part, "...unzipped his rucksack, handing Luke..." sounds like Ziek handed Luke the drive while unzipping his bag, might want to mention something about getting the drive from the bag to make the sentence clearer.
In your story I don't get much feeling from Ziek, I want to read more about Ziek's options and what he thinks, his feelings. Like how dose Ziek feel about his mother taking care of the drunks in their yard, is he worried for her? Dose he think that she is doing a good service? What dose Ziek think about his father? Thoughts and feelings help the reader connect to the main character, without them the reader will not know weather or not they like the main character and will grow bored of the character.
Your story also lacks detail. Detail is crucial to help the reader see a setting in a story. When I read this chapter/installment I have no ideal what the world Ziek lives in looks like. I have not been there, nor will I ever go there, for this world is your head. Help the reader see what you see by giving them detail. What dose Luke look like? What is he wearing? What a person wears can tell the reader a lot about the culture of the world the story is in? What dose Ziek's motorcycle look like, dose it fly like a lot of future vehicles do? What dose Ziek's house and mother look like? Detail makes the world real, but don't add too much detail and leave out other crucial information or make the story drone on and become boring.
I hope this helped! I'm excited to read the next chapter!






Hi. Thank you for the tips. I hope to release the second chapter sometime soon. :)



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9 Reviews

Points: 52
Reviews: 9

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Sun Aug 13, 2017 8:00 pm
Irislillygray wrote a review...



Good start to your story! I liked it! Here are a few tips I have. I hope they help you!
This sentence is a little choppy,
"He climbed off his sleek new motorcycle and unzipped his rucksack, handing Luke a small silver pen drive"
The part, "...unzipped his rucksack, handing Luke..." sounds like Ziek handed Luke the drive while unzipping his bag, might want to mention something about getting the drive from the bag to make the sentence clearer.
In your story I don't get much feeling from Ziek, I want to read more about Ziek's options and what he thinks, his feelings. Like how dose Ziek feel about his mother taking care of the drunks in their yard, is he worried for her? Dose he think that she is doing a good service? What dose Ziek think about his father? Thoughts and feelings help the reader connect to the main character, without them the reader will not know weather or not they like the main character and will grow bored of the character.
Your story also lacks detail. Detail is crucial to help the reader see a setting in a story. When I read this chapter/installment I have no ideal what the world Ziek lives in looks like. I have not been there, nor will I ever go there, for this world is your head. Help the reader see what you see by giving them detail. What dose Luke look like? What is he wearing? What a person wears can tell the reader a lot about the culture of the world the story is in? What dose Ziek's motorcycle look like, dose it fly like a lot of future vehicles do? What dose Ziek's house and mother look like? Detail makes the world real, but don't add too much detail and leave out other crucial information or make the story drone on and become boring.
I hope this helped! I'm excited to read the next chapter!





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