18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Prolouge (through the tunel)

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

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Dan sat at the end of the passenger car, briefcase in one hand and cell in the other. He turned his head every time the doors clicked and slid open, being as superstitious as he was. He was alone, like always, and being alone meant that you had to take extra precautions.There wasn’t a time when Dan, himself, had ever stopped watching his back. He read all the different authors of those
weird mystery novels; like Dean Koontz and the well-written Stephen King, and believed each and every fable could happen to him.

Odd how he thought, that those dreaded characters that slashed up women could be real and on the move. It’s odd, even more how he imagined the different people staring at him from all directions, anticipating on the death and destruction of Danny AppleWood. Though this still didn’t stop him from doing what he loved, actually it encouraged him. Dan was head of the homicide department and well good at it. In the past year he, with the help of his team, solved over twenty murders in the San Francisco area alone. Each one was as horrifying as the last, maybe even worse, all the carnage and the destruction he had witnessed still didn’t stop him; never even kept him from sleeping at night. Dan was like an angel set from the heavens to help with all the mess, he was the one in which they set the burdens of murder upon his shoulders.

The train gave a sudden jerk, lurching Dan and all the other passengers up and into the aisles. He threw his hands over his head as the loud screech of wheels on metal filled the air. Everyone had
the look of shock upon their faces and mothers checked their children for any injuries.Luckily, Dan was ok; he picked himself up and dusted off his shoulders, asking around to see if anyone knew
the cause to the sudden stop. Most just shrugged and went back to what they were doing but some suggested that he just went asked the conductor. Taking that to heart, Dan gathered his things and made his way to the head of the train; passing multiple other passenger cars and a couple of dinner cars. He entered the conductor car and gasped at the scene in front of him.

The mass of blood shed was unsettling, it turned his stomach and made Dan look away for the first time in his entire career. It was the first time anything made his stomach churn, and that alone
was pretty outstanding. Ruby-red blood was splattered amongst the wall in almost flower like patterns. The bodies of both the engineer and the conductor were badly mutilated, their skulls crushed in; probably with a small, blunt instrument.Reaching into his coat pocket, Dan called for assistance and then started back into the main cabins of the train. Luckily they were not far off from San Francisco, so the bus and back up would be there soon, but there was still enough time for the killer to escape. That couldn’t happen. Dan grabbed the phone that connected him with the other workers and dialed the number that ran through the entire train. He reported that an incident had occurred and that there needed to be an automatic lockdown of all doors, so no one could get on or off. That was all Dan wanted to say without alarming any of the other passengers.Danny AppleWood turned back to the savage scene behind him and took it all in.

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
Cheetah
Review
Cheetah wrote a review · Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:27 pm

Hello Themaddcater, happy Review Day! Cheetah here to review your piece.

I enjoyed reading this. You used great language and the story seems interesting so far.

As Michael said, it did go a bit fast. To fix this you could add more imagery and details which would also help the structure of this. For example, in the first paragraph, explain to us what the passenger car is like. Is it clean, dirty, smelly, or crowded? Details can really help the reader!

Most just shrugged and went back to what they were doing but some suggested that he just went asked the conductor.

I think this sentence would be clearer if you changed the 'went' to 'go'.

It was the first time anything made his stomach churn, and that alone

I'm a bit confused about what you mean when you say 'and that alone'. Do you mean the crime scene? I think this sentence could be a little clearer.

That's it! I really liked the ending and I can't wait to read more. Good job and keep writing! :D

User avatar
lostthought
Review

Hey there! I haz some nitpickings. (About to be complete hypocritical so bear with me now) Well first, you spelled tunnel and prologue wrong in the title. It's ok because I have done that before. Also something that could be fixed is how you occasionally don't space after periods. Well that's all I saw.

I love a good mystery. But the thing about being a homicide detective is that you may become a victim of homicide yourself. I feel sorry for this superstitious guy. Well, keep writing!

~lost

User avatar
michaelloffet
Review

Good story, however it felt as if everything started a little quick. Also would there have not been any cctv on the train so that you could find out who it was. Other than that a good start. So well done and keep up the good work. :) I apoligise for any spelling mistakes as I am writing this on my phone.

thanks for the review, and about it going a little fast, I am sorry if that is what t seems like it but I think that it will turn out nice cause I have a plan so I hope you can just wait and then see if I should retry it a little slower after chapter 1.



Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
— Homer Simpson