Today, I heard a nine year old girl read this out in my third grade class. I asked her to read it at the talent show that night. There wasn't a dry eye in the classroom or at the talent show. I just HAD to share this with everyone. I hope this will be passed around so everyone will remember what is important in life.
Hello, my name is Chloe Megan Andrews. I am 9 years old. Our homework for Mrs. Brown's class was to write about something we are thankful for. Most people will say I am thankful for my teddy or my toy cars, or even my blankie. I am thankful for my daddy. His name is David Jason Andrews.
When I was 4 years old, my mommy was taken from me and my daddy. My daddy has taken care of me for the last 5 years alone. He gives up time with his friends, to play on his computer, to watch his favorite tv shows, so he can take care of me. He cleans everyday, makes sure that I have food, clean clothes, my homework finished, and to know that I am loved. For my 5th birthday, daddy got me this pendant. Inside is a picture of mommy. And every time I miss her, I can look at it and see her again.
I went to visit Mommy and told my Grandmama that I was doing this for daddy, but he doesn't know. I know that when I'm older, I'll feel like I hate my daddy and I never want to hear from him. At 16, my friends will be getting cars, and daddy will get me things to help me in school.
Most people see daddy as a real poor man, even a drunk. But daddy never drinks, he never yells, he never raises his hand or his voice at me. I have screamed at daddy, but he has never yelled at me to go to my room, he just sits down and says, I know it's hard, and I know you miss mommy. I miss her too.
But the truth is, daddy doesn't play games or hang out with friends, or watch tv, because when he's not taking care of me, or spending time with me, which is usually only after I'm asleep in bed, he gets on his computer and he writes his books. And when I have nightmares, he puts up his work, and comes rock me to sleep. I know that daddy has given so much up to take care of me. I just wanted to let people know I am thankful for my daddy. I love you, daddy.
That night, Chloe and her dad, David, came to the talent show and at the end, before the principal called the winner, I stepped up and said, "We have one more entry. Please welcome to the stage, Chloe Megan Andrews."
Her dad looked up in shock and walked up with Chloe. She held that piece of paper tight in her hands as she walked on the stage and the microphone was lowered to her height. She looked at all the people in the audience, and she took a deep breath before reading.
After she read it, everyone stood up and clapped as David hugged her. The principal walked onto the stage, took the microphone and said in a teary and shaky voice, "Tonight's winner is Chloe Megan Andrews!"
There were whistles, calls of congratz, and above it all, you could hear David say to Chloe in the loudest, most heartfelt voice I have ever heard, "And I love you, my special little princess."
I just want to say thank you to my student, Chloe Megan Andrews, for the best and most heart felt thing I have ever heard a third grader say.
It seemed more original when I read it here.
LOL! Lumi. I completely forgot it was there! Yeah, actually, that's the original place I posted it, to be honest. Though, I wonder how you managed to find my writing page. That will. Confuse me to this day.
Touching and sweet. It feels a bit out of place for her introduction to the talent show be after the speech itself, so maybe flip that. Everything else has been said. Thank you for sharing this wonderful little piece!
Thank you, however, if you noticed, it was originally an assignment for class before her teacher asked her to enter the talent show, so where the entrance to the talent show is correct. Maybe I should have put the little talk between teacher and student about entering the talent show.
This is purely amazing. Usually, I don't read things like this. they make me sad and somehow nostalgic. I love the wording, the format; I love this. You are a pure talent with work to die for, and it is amazingly entertaining. It's almost as if it paints a beautiful picture right in front of your eyes, and it tears it down to the ground, leaving the peices for you to pick up.
You are a talent that shouldn't be taken for granted. God bless.
You fooled me, I wasn't sure if this was a true story until I read the comments. Either way it's a fantastic piece of work. As somebody below me said, children are very difficult to write as, and it's credit to your talent that you can pull if off.
I wouldn't say do another story like this one, as it'd reduce the impact this kind of story has. But you clearly have a lot of writing talent to dip into. Keep up the good work.
Thank you. I agree with you. This story is the only one I will write of it's kind. I usually dabble in romance, drama, fantasy, fiction, but this was and will be the only one of it's kind that I produce.
Please read! People have asked me where I have gotten the inspiration for this piece! This piece of writing was written for my girlfriend and our daughter. Sadly, they are no longer with us. If my girlfriend was farther along in the pregnancy when she was killed, my daughter may have been saved. This is a representation of what I imagine that my little girl would say or do for what I would have given up to take care of her. The little girl says mommy, daddy, blankie, not because I see her as a "Baby," but that's her way of saying I love you. I want you to ask yourselves this before you comment. "Would it be as heartfelt, as strong if she said dad or mom in there instead of mommy or daddy?" I can honestly say, I would not feel so. Thank you.
Mommy and daddy would be fine -- that's something that even adults use sometimes, as you mentioned. However, the rest of the words in combination, "blankie" especially, give it a feeling of false youth. I understand that you were going for impact, but subtle would serve you better in this case, I think. "Mommy" and "daddy" give the impact you're looking for. The rest overwhelms it, and so takes away the strength of that impact.
Hey there! :3
Thank you so much for your time,
I have to say, this is a story that almost made me tear up. I don't know what helped you create this piece but what ever it was. Keep writing like this, this is an amazing piece. I love it, I wish I knew how to write something like this.
Now I do agree with Lowkey that the daughter part needs to actually fit her age, it will give the reader more of a feeling and in-depth to the story as they read along. Maybe go into more detail at the beginning of the story. You have to really go into why you are sharing this.
Really other than that, keep on writing
~Whitewolfpuppy :3
Hi, and thank you. Actually, it does fit her age. If you read my reply to LowKey, it clearly states she calls them mommy, daddy, blankie, because she loves those things. It's not in depth because the whole focus of it is that assignment she has from her teacher.
Hey there!
Interesting story, definitely inspires a spark of hope for the next generation. The other critics here have already showered you with praise, and I don't think I could add anything more that you haven't already heard there. I can, however, offer you a couple notes that haven't been touched upon where this story could possibly be improved. It's a great start, and again, it's a great concept. The biggest tweak I have with it, though, is the portrayal of the daughter.
It's a common struggle, making kids sound their age, but all that means is that there's a lot of people out there who could improve. Usually what happens is, in an attempt to make a child sound like, well, a child, we reduce them to the vocabulary and thought processes of infants. I called my mom "mommy" when I was three, but by time I was in kindergarten (age five) I had pretty much shortened it to Mom, sooometimes mama. Mostly it was mom, though. By the time I was in first grade, she was always mom.
It's true, no one is the same on their timelines, and there are bubbly 16 year old girls out there who call their parents "Mommy" and "Daddy" still. And that's fine. However, it's widely regarded as baby talk, something they should have outgrown by first grade.
For most of the population, words like "mommy," "daddy," "blankie," and "teddy" are largely left behind well before third grade. Again, everyone has their own timeline, but the odds that they'll still use *all* of those words would be a bit slim. To be honest, I don't even know of any preschoolers that talk like that. Adults *think* they do, but even if they all did talk like this, it's still called baby talk. By time a child is 8 or 9 years old, they should hopefully be beyond that phase. That doesn't mean they sound like an adult -- they're still children. But making them sound their age is hard. It's easy to write their dialogue like an adults -- that's what we know best, right? And it's easy to write them as a baby, because that's an extreme in the other direction that requires no thought to try and produce. Just add a -y sound to the end of most words and an over-obsession with toys and macaroni and cheese, and surely that's all you need to create a believable child, right? Then any time you break away from that stereotype, you instantly have a child who is wise beyond her years. It's a common trick, because it's a common struggle. Kids are hard.
Children are probably the hardest characters because of that. On one hand, they're kids, but on the other, it's unbelievably easy to underestimate them. Kids can grow up fast and have an understanding of the world and some of it's darker elements while still retaining a touch of innocence. The reason for this is that, no matter how much they've seen, they still haven't seen everything. There's still a lot of things out there that are new to them, that have novelty and inspire curiosity. Balancing the elements of innocence, curiosity, and maturity out is extremely difficult. All too often, adults tend to err on the side of immaturity and over saturate their child characters with innocence and poor vocabulary that, the older the age of the character, just makes them look more developmentally delayed.
It was and is a really great concept, though. The only reason I spend so much time on the topic is that it feels like you're cheating your character (and by extension, your story) out of some of its potential. Anyone can do the over saturation thing and then pull the "but even as young as they are, they still understand" card. And the contrast between the two opposites makes the sudden show of maturity seem all that more amazing. I'm pretty sure you can do better, though.
From reading the comments, I can see your path in life hasn't been the smoothest. It's resourceful of you to use your own life experiences to help you form a story. You mentioned that you wrote this, imagining what you hoped your daughter would do had she lived. While it can be tempting to keep our children young forever, even in our minds, at some point we all need to accept that they grow up. Simply because they don't speak in baby babble anymore, or no longer have such a basic, seemingly limited view of the world anymore, that doesn't make them any less amazing or cherished. If anything, their budding maturity is something to be celebrated, not denied.
Looking forward to seeing you around.
Thanks for the tips. I would take them into consideration, but the reason she says mommy, daddy, blankie, is because she loves those things or those people. In my mind, I love you, mom doesn't get quite the same meaning across as I love you, mommy. And I will admit, I do still call my mom mommy. Granted not EVERY day, but once in a blue moon, sure. Nothing wrong with saying that to her to give her the biggest grin in the world, right?
SO GOOD. If it wasn't for the fact I'm ridiculously tired, I would be bawling.
I read the comments, and I just love how you made it sound like an event in that you were talking about that had actually happened to you. I actually thought that this was a blog type of post about this third grader.
It made me cry. It was so special. Thank you for writing it. It really impacted me.
Neva
Ah, sadly, no, this is... I wrote this based on what I had hoped would happen should my daughter lived, but it was not meant to be.
I read that. That is why it had such an impact on me. You're inspirational.
Thank you.
That is so special. This shows that children really do understand what their parents go through, and her especially! She's a sweet girl and has a great dad. So grateful for people like that, and stories like this in this world. It's beautiful.
I just read some comments, you wrote this? It's still beautiful, and I know there are people out there like the girl and the father.
Thank you, and yes, I did. Yes, there are people out there, but sadly one of them resides in heaven (Or wherever it is we go after our lives end) with her mother. I wanted to show people that there are still beautiful people in this world, even if they are rare to come by.
That you did.
I'm breathless. This was really, truly touching. All I can say, is that this is simply beautiful. Simply, wonderfully, beautiful.
-Fire
Thank you, Fire.
I cried, and I can see why you shared this. That little girl is so caring, and sweet. I want to find her and give her a hug. I can't review this, because to change it at all should be considered illegal. You should get this girl into persuasive writing, she'd be great!
Ah, thank you. The only sad part is this girl doesn't exist. She reflects what I see my daughter as and my daughter is dead, may she rest in peace.
This was really nice and touching... It almost made me cry. Thanks for sharing this story with us. It was a really important one that should be valued by everybody in the world. Please, continue writing.
Thank you. I intend to keep writing.
Hey Thelios!
Well, this was a really touching piece. It's heartwarming and indeed grounding to see that a little 9-year-old girl can truly acknowledge and appreciate how much her single parent, a very loving father, does for her. However, I would like to point out that this isn't quite a piece of work that you yourself have written, but it's more of a really touching incident that everyone should read about, and I'm glad you shared this with us.
Though this was definitely food for thought, I feel that it doesn't quite qualify as a short story (it's not fiction at all, it's not exactly non-fiction, it's more of an article) and its categorization as a short story is misleading to any reader. It definitely led me to believe this is a story about how a child realizes the true importance of their father in their life, and while it was related to that, it's not an original piece of writing that you came up with. I think placing this in the Articles/Essays category would be more appropriate. But other than this, I don't think there's anything I can criticize or pick at. It's truly a wonderful piece, and I'm glad you shared it with us. If a nine year old can show such love, affection and understanding, then perhaps there is still some hope for humanity.
Hope this helped
~Day
Let me point out, Day, that while this itself is based on an event that happened in my life, it has never happened, because my little girl is dead, so, in a sense, it is not misleading as a short story because it hasn't happened. It's good food for thought though. And actually, I did come up with this, in my own mind, my own hands. I wrote it out, I came up with it. And the only thing that is truly similar is that both little girl's names were Chloe. The biggest difference is that this little girl was born, mine was not. Hope that helps clarify this piece.
Oh. Well, that's... um... /epicfail
Just ignore me while I go die of embarrassment somewhere. :3
oh its really touching....! i love it...
Thank you