Published August 12, 2011
The feeling of love...
Oh Beautiful bird of love,
that goes around the world.
make me rise from this, dark hatred,
and to the feeling, you give birth.
The feeling of love, for one's heart,
the feeling of love, I had never before.
My life, when I flashback it,
gave nothing to me, but the sadness.
All the tragedies, all the broken hearts,
these eyes have just seen madness.
Now before I get, down to my grave,
I want love, and want to be brave.
To take one's love, to give mine,
to get the feeling, like never before.
The feeling of love, for one's heart,
the feeling of love, I had never before.
Oh bird, now please, come to me,
give me the... feeling of love...
Thanks a lot!! critique? thanks again from my heart!!!
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138,846 Literary Works • 672,337 Reviews
Hellooo Horrorr! =)
Me here to review this piece for you (obviously XD). I want to start off with saying that this is an overall good piece, but there are some things I think you should change to make it sound better. So here are just some suggestions. You don't have to change it if you don't want to, I'm just giving my opinion =)
So these are the things that I would change, but maybe that's just me =) The end is an absolute win and I really love it!
So congratulations at that! Other than these little things this is a good write. I hope this review helped a little and if it didn't then please forgive me XD
I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Keep writing!
-qaralynn-
I really like the flow of the poem but there are a couple things i would consider.
I would make it into "I never had before." It flows nicer, and most of the time I had never is followed by an action of some sort, like i had never gone fishing before.
This stanza is a little wordy, think about rephrasing it, maybe like this
"My life, when i look back,
gave me nothing but sadness."
One final thought. You kind of force the poem to have a rhythm and cadence by placing commas in the middle of almost every line. Some of those lines do not need commas, so maybe go back and say the lines out loud and see which are better off without the comma.
Other than that great poem and keep writing!
Hiyaa, call me Wisp, I'll be your reviewer today.
First of all I like this poem, it's nice even though love poems are over-done and cliched, you're is slightly more unique in the sense that you don't talk about a boyfriend, a dying loved one and so on. Instead you go ahead and explore the feeling of love and explain it as a bird.
Next - nitpicks;
"make me rise from this, dark hatred,
and to the feeling, you give birth." This is one of the stanzas that brought me great confusion. What are you trying to say, and you use commas a little too much giving it a choppy, broken feeling. The stanza also, to me, doesn't make any sense. And that disrupts the flow of your poem.
I advise you take the time to review your poem yourself and check if you can't change the commas to punctuation marks, exclamation marks even semi-colons.
Again, the sweetness of your poem is stopped at the ending where you use ellipses - which are used to indicate thought. I don't think you should end it like that. To me it's like putting, "Give me the ... hmmm, what was it? oh yes! ... feeling of love... wait was that it?"
That is basically what you're doing with the ellipses, so I advise you to change that.
Overall, this has potential, and you too as a poet. I hope you take my advice into consideration and just keep writting.
~Writteninstone [Wisp]