12+ Violence

When a Boy Meets a Girl and a Boy

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Chapter one


“Aye Simon, I need help with the lighting,” Joe said. I passed him a bulb. I’m apart of the stage crew for Carrie the Musical, and for once Chris is more interesting than Carrie. The girl playing Chris is Addyson Barlow. I wish I was playing Billy, instead of Josh “my dad is a billionaire” Loft.


“Simon, we need more light on the left of the stage,” Esther said. Esther and Joe are co- presidents of the drama club do to the fact that there was a tie at the election. I brought a box of lights over to were Esther and Joe were working. “We need to do a run through of the play, where’s Martha?”

“She took spontaneous trip to the Bahamas,” I said, “it’s all over her Instagram.” Esther rolled her eyes.

“How are we going to put on Carrie: the Musical without Carrie White,” Esther said.

“Don’t worry, her under study is putting on her costume,” I explained.

“While she’s doing that, let’s do a quick run through of ‘The World According to Chris,’” Esther suggested. Addyson quickly got onto the locker room part of the stage. She had the voice of 1,000 angels. Clair, the actress playing Sue, and other female actresses followed Addyson. About half way through the chorus, the understudy entered the auditorium.

“Sorry I’m late, I had to call my dad to tell him what time to pick me up,” she explained.

“That’s all right Margo, just get to your spot and start preparing for the opening scene,” Esther explained.


I was dismissed, but I decided to watch the performance. Months of practice were coming into play next Friday. Once they started singing ‘Do Me a Favor,’ a idea popped into my head: why not ask Addyson to the football game Friday? She doesn’t seem to be dating anyone. She only hangs out with the other cast members and her twin brother, Darren. She one time talked to me, the sentence was “Hey Simon, I like your shirt.” It was the Green Day shirt I got from one of there concerts.


Addyson seems normal, except for one thing: she’s always alone every other day. She never post anything on social media on those days. Rumors about her spreaded faster than lice.

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The same with her brother, which is weird because sometime every other day is on a Friday, the day he plays for our Football team. I asked some of his teammates and they said is always very quiet on those days. Theories were everywhere about the Barlow twins. One of the more popular theories are that they’re aliens and it’s against their culture to be social on those days. I believe their normal people who just take breaks every other day.


After rehearsal, I saw she was on the phone with someone. I waited a few minutes till she was done. “Hey Addyson,” I said.

“Oh hi, Simon,” she said, “what’s up?”

“I was wondering if your going to the football game this Friday?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said.

“I was wondering, if you wanted to go with me,” I said.

“Hold on,” she said. She looked like she was thinking. I heard her mumbling things. “I can totally do Friday.”

“Sweet, I’ll pick you up around 5:40,” I said.

“See you then,” she said. She got into her car and drove.

















2.

Chapter 2


That night, I had a total freak out. As soon as I got home, I got on skype with my friends. They will never believe that I got a date with Addyson Barlow. First to pick up was Laura. “Dude, why weren't you on our minecraft server today?” she asked.

“I stayed and watched rehearsals for the play,” I answered.

“Okay, so was it normal Addyson or alien Addyson?” Laura asked.

“First of all she is not a alien, I have big news...” I started.

“Hold that thought, Junior is having problems logging in,” she said. Junior is what we call June because while she’s a junior, were sophomores. We all have nicknames for each other. They call me Si. Laura is spaghett because she spilled spaghetti on her shirt once. Lanely is Greenie because she dyed her hair green. A little while later, June entered the call.

“Sorry, the wifi here is terrible,” June explained, “oh by the way Si, a creeper explode your fort, and I sponned it.”

“Why did you do that?” I asked.

“Revenge for not logging on today,” Laura said, “we were suppose to explore that mineshaft and we were ambushed by zombies and lost our stuff.”

“More on that later, guess who got himself a date with Addyson Barlow,” I said.

“Wait, as in the weird Addyson Barlow or the captain of the color guard team?” Laura asked.

“The Addyson who’s playing Chris in the school musical,” I said annoyed. I get really annoyed when they say things like “weird Addyson” or “alien Addyson.”

“Dude why would you do that to yourself?” Junior asked.

“Because she’s cute,” I said.

“She’s a weirdo, she should be playing Carrie not Martha,” Junior said.

“Have you actually talked to her?” I asked, getting defensive.

“Of course I haven’t, I have a reputation to think about,” Junior said. Just then, I had a strange vision. It was of Greenie spilling some kind of drink. I shrugged it off.

“Greenie is trying to join,” Laura said.

“What’s up,” Greenie said.

“Si over here is going on a date with Alien Addyson,” Laura said.

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“She’s not a alien!” I yelled.

“Well she’s clearly not normal,” Greenie said, angry. Why are they so mad? It’s my life I can do what I want.

“She’s not your definition of normal,” I argued.

“Rrr, I just spilled Dr. Pepper all over my math homework,” Greenie complained.

“Mrs. Lockwood is going to be so mad at you,” Laura laughed. Sometimes I wonder why we're all friends. We met at a work picnic that their parents and aunt were having for work. One game of hide-and-seek later we were bestfriends. After we started our freshmen year, everything changed. I joined glee and drama club, Laura joined colour guard, Junior had made friends with other students her age, and Greenie became the lead singer of a rock band. Eventually we started getting at each other's last nerves.

“Goodnight guys,” I said, still annoyed. I slammed my laptop shut. I knew we would make up tomorrow, but another thought entered my mind. I saw a vision of June spilling her drink, then it happened. Maybe it was just a coincidence, I thought.


As predicted, everything was fine the next mourning. This was basically a daily cycle for us. I find it sad that this has become a daily cycle for us. I think we wouldn’t be friends if it wasn’t for their parents and my aunt, who all work for the same real estate company. “Are you guys going to the play next Friday?” I asked.

“Of course, why wouldn’t we?” Greenie asked. As Addyson walked by, I waved at her. She waved back.

“Dude, why are you doing this,” Junior asked.

“Cause I want to,” I said.

“Today is one of her weird days,” Greenie said. I had another vision. It was of a random boy falling off a skateboard. Then a boy came up in his skateboard. He tried to skate then the railing, but fell and skinned his right knee.

“How many times do we have to tell Leo not to skateboard down that ramp?” Greenie asked.

“One day it isn’t just gonna be a scraped knee and I’m gonna say I told you so,” Junior said. That was not that was going through my mind. The first vision I got I shrugged it off as just a coincidence, but I can’t when it happens twice.


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Chapter 3


All through out the rest of the day, I kept having more and more visions. Each vision came true. During lunch, I went to the library. I found every book on being able to see the future, though most books were fictional fantasy novels. When my lunch period was almost over, I found a book called “Fantastic Powers and Where They Come From.” As I read the chapter on being a psychic, it was a ability that was passed on in gypsy families. It made me think. My great-great-grandad was a single parent. All we know about my great-great- grandmother mom was her name was Flouris. Maybe Flouris was a gypsy. I decided to check out the book and leave.


While walking to my science class, I saw Addyson walking. I waved, but she didn’t wave back. She looked me in the eyes, then ran off. She’s weird, but I find that actual cute about her. I barely thought about it once I got to class. I rarely thought of it for the rest of the day.


The strangest thing happened at rehearsal that day. During the Do Me a Favor number Addyson messed up a step she did perfectly yesterday. It confused everyone. “Addy, are you ok?” Esther said.

“Yeah, just didn’t get a chance to stretch,” Addyson said.

“Take five, Claire and Jimmy were gonna run your duet,” Esther said.

“Kay,” they said. I walked over to Addyson.

“Hey Addy, is everything ok?” I asked.

“Oh hi um,” she said.

“Simon, were going to the football game together tomorrow,” I said.

“Oh yeah, sorry I hit my head yesterday and barely anything,” she said.

“Oh, do you wanna borrow my notes from yesterday?” I asked.

“No,” she quickly responds.

“Ok, I’ll pick you up at five and well pick up dinner before,” I said.

“Sounds like I plan,” she said. The rest of rehearsal went normally. I had a few visions, but nothing big. Then I ran home and got on Skype. Everyone was already waiting for me.

“Guys the strangest thing happened,” I said.

“Addyson Barlow ignored you the entire day,” Lanely said.

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“No, I’ve been having psychic visions,” I said. They were quiet for a moment. “Hello?”

“It’s official, you’re going crazy,” Lanely said.

“I saw you spill Dr. Pepper yesterday a few seconds before you did,” I said.

“Then why did you not warn me,” Lanely yelled.

“I didn’t know it was a vision before it happened,” I said, defensive.

“Why are we friends?” June asked.

“Because if we weren't friends, we’d be trying to kill each other,” Laura said.

“True,” I said.

“Going to the football game tomorrow?” I asked. They all nodded.

“If you change your mind about going with Addyson, well have a seat for you,” Laura said. I just rolled my eyes, then left the call.


The next day I sat by myself at lunch instead of with my “friends.” I sat alone with my visions. About half way through lunch, Addyson sat beside me. “Oh hey Addy, is your head better?” I asked.

“Huh?” she asked.

“You said you hit your head Wednesday,” I said.

“Oh yeah that, I’m good,” she said.

“Good,” I said.

“I was just making sure we are still on tonight,” she said.

“On like Donkey Kong,” I said.

“Awesome,” she said. Then she went back to her table. I continued eating. After school I logged onto Minecraft to keep my “friends” at ease. Then I drove over to the Barlow house. They live in an upscale neighborhood near the school. The mom is a makeup artist on broadway and the dad is a successful comedian. Since the 2019 revival of Funny Girl doesn’t start till June, the mom offered to do the makeup for Carrie the musical. When I drove up to the mansion, Addy was waiting on the steps. She got in the passenger seat.

“Let’s go,” I said. We drove off.





6.

Chapter 4


We kept on driving. She sat there texting. “Do you mind Wendy’s?” I asked.

“No,” she said. I sat there awkwardly. “So, what’s your favorite movie?” she asked. I sat and thought about it for a second.

“Bridge to Terabithia,” I said.

“I loved that movie, though I prefer the the book,” she said.

“Never read the book,” I said.

“You should,” she said.

“Maybe when I’m done with the Eragon books,” I said,

“My brother loves those books,” she said. We continued chatting about books we love and some we hate. We talked about our families. Where growing up the exact opposites. As she grew up in a wealthy mansion, I grew up in a trailer with my aunt Keirra. My dad and mom died in a plane crash when I was still a baby. I had my older sister, Rose, but she died of the flu when I was eight. Keirra loved me and my sister and happily took us in, but she often has to take night jobs. The computer I’m using is something my mom told my aunt to give me on my 13th birthday. I offered to sell it to help pay the bills, but Kierra told me to keep it as a reminder of my mom. Then we pulled up to Wendy’s.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Just a sprite and a burger,” she said.

“Ok,” I said. I walked up. I walked up to the cash register. Standing behind it was Danielle Brooks. A senior a t my school. She has dark brown hair and black eyes. She was the captain of the volleyball team. When I’m around her, she twist her hair and laughs at almost everything i say. I’d assume she has a crush on me, but that wouldn’t happen. A supermodel senior vr me. A short, rubenesque, acne ridden sophomore. Asides, if she did have a crush on me, she isn’t really my type.

“Oh hi Simon,” she said. She was twirling her hair and smiling as usual.

“Hey Danielle,” I said.

“May I recommend the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger,” she asked, in a low voice.

“I’ll take one of those and a burger and a sprite,” I said.

“Coming up,” she said. I sat back down with Addyson.

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“So what’s up with you and Dani,” she asked, in a teasing manner.

“Nothing,” I said.

“Nothing?” she asked, in disbelief. “She was so obviously flirting with you.”

“Addyson, look at me then look at her, then look at me again then look at her again,” I said.

“First off all call me Addy, and second, I think you’re cute,” she said.

“Asides even if she did like me, she isn’t my type,” I said. I was trying so hard not to blush after she said ‘I think your cute.’

“What is your type then?” she asked.

“Blondes with green eyes,” I said. She blushed. I described her. I hope it didn’t come off as creepy, it’s just the first words that came to mind.

“Well I like 5’3, brown hair, blue eyed sophomores,” she said playing with my hair. My face turned red as a tomato. She giggled.

“Getting sunburned is the worst,” I lied.

“Yeah, I totally believe you got sunburned that bad in under five seconds,” she said. I smiled and she smiled back.

“Here’s your order,” the waitress said.

“Thank you,” we said.

“Are you two on a date?’ she asked. I didn’t know how to respond. Did she consider this a date? Is it a date?

“Yes,” Addyson said. I could die right now and I’d die a happy man. I’m on a date with Addyson Barlow. My dream girl. My crush since the 7th grade.

“Ok, i’ll leave you lovebirds alone,” she said, giggling a little. She walked over and talked to Danielle. I wonder if she was sent as a spy.

“I’ll be right back, I have to use the bathroom,” she said.

“Be my guest,” I said. She went the bathroom. I decided to wait to eat to try and impress her with my manners. She walked out a few minutes later.

“Thanks for waiting,” she said.

“No problem,” I said. We started eating. About half way through the meal, I started humming Holiday/Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day. she started humming at “I walk a lonely road, the only road I have ever known.” We finished the song as a duet.

“Green Day is awesome,” she said.

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“I know right,” I said, “we should leave, the game start.’

“Ok,” she nodded. We got back in my aunt’s car. It was a 1950s brown truck that had been given to her by my granddad. It was far from being in good condition, but it worked. We arrived right before the start of the first corder.

“Want anything from the concession stands before we sit down?” I asked.

“No,” she said. We found good seats in the middle row. The only problems with them is that they are under the seats my “friends” are under. They were laughing and staring at us.

“Hey, go sits with the other weirdos,” Laura said. I never wanted to hit a woman before, but I did then.

“Yeah, you’re distracting us,” she said. I turned around.

“How about you throw shade when you actually have good insults,” I said. They were silent then they laughed.

“Is that the best you got?” Lanely asked. I rolled my eyes and turned around.

“Ignore them, they are sheep,” I said. She nodded and smile. I rarely saw that smile because I usually see her during play rehearsal and she plays a miserable character. Her smile could light up a room.

“You have a nice smile,” I said. She blushed slightly blushed.

“Thanks, so do you,” she said. I blushed. Then her face went to serious. “Your really sweet.”

“Thanks,” I said. A sudden fear that she didn’t like me back came. She turned around and then didn’t say anything. About five minutes before the game starts, I put my arm over her shoulder. I put it away after about five seconds.

“Why did you move your hand, Casanova?” she asked. All I did was shrug. She then grabbed my left arm and put it around her shoulder. We shared a smile.

“Im glad I’m here with you,” I said. She was silent.

“Me too,” she blushed. Then something happened. A large portion of ketchup hit the back of her shirt. I looked behind us with fury in my eyes.

“Woops,” Laura. I started screaming at her. I never screamed at someone like that. I did it for about five minutes. I sat down.




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over her mouth, like if she said something she’d get hit. I didn’t care that Laura was scared, but I cared that I scared Addyson. I sighed and sat back down.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” I said.

“You hit her,” she said, “for me.”

“Of course,” I said. She then hugged me.

“No one has ever done that for me,” she said. I smiled and hugged her back.

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I drove her home after the game. We talked and laughed throughout the game. Honestly I had never had that much fun with anyone in my life before. I walked her to the front door. Then she kissed my cheek. My face became as red as a rose. “Addyson, do you wanna date me?” I asked. She was silent. She looked like she had seen a ghost. Then she opened the front door and went in. she said nothing. I sadly walked back to my car.




















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Chapter 5


I spent the rest of the weekend in a funk. Not even binge watching the Harry Potter movies didn’t help. I spent most of the weekend listening to my top 10 saddest songs, which included “Hurt” by Johnny Cash and “Time of your life” by Greenday. I listened while laying on my stomach on my bed.


I was banned from the Minecraft server, which I didn’t care about. I hate them with every fiber in my body. They represent everything wrong with humanity. I wonder why I was ever friends with them. They teased and made fun of me for my interest, but yet supported Lanely when she dyed her hair green. They probably hate me as much as I hate them.


I groaned Monday mourning. I got ready for school. Aunt Kierra was already at work. Ever since she lost her job at the real estate agency she’s had to work three jobs a day, four on the weekends. We use to live in a two story brick house till she lost her job. I vaguely remember that house. I remember we lived in with Rose. We had to share a bedroom. I was around 9 when we moved.


I drove to school. As soon as I got of the car I avoid eye contact with anyone. I saw that I hadn’t broken Laura’s nose. There was just a mark where she was bleeding. I walked to study hall to get some studying for the math test I have later today.


A little into studying, Darren Barlow sat beside me on my left. I was confused since we’ve never talked before. “Hello Simon,” he said.

“Hi Darren,” I said. I heard him sigh. It sound disappointed for some reason.

“Simon, I’m not Darren,” he said, “it’s me Addyson.” I then turned all my attention to him.

“Very funny,” I said.

“It’s not a joke, it’s really Addy,” he said, giving me dead serious eyes.

“If your really Addyson, prove it,” I said, crossing my arms. “Fantastic Powers and Were They Come From” mentioned nothing on switching bodies, and I studied that book front to back when I wasn’t moping around.

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“You had a sister who died when she was ten and you were eight, you wanna be a police officer, over the summer you worked at Wendy’s,” he/she said, “and your middle name is Veronica.” These were only things I told Addyson, except for the working at Wendy’s.

“Addy?” I asked.

“Yes,” she said.

“How?” I asked.

“I don’t know, on my 12th birthday I woke up in this body,” she said, leaning back in her chair. “This is why I didn’t answer Friday. I knew no guy wants to date a girl who switches bodies with her brother.” I took one of Darren’s hands.

“I’m willing to try and make it work,” I said, with a smile on my face.

“So are we dating,” she asked, optimistically.

“Yes,” I said. It felt weird saying those weird to a masculine voice. He/she smiled and I smiled back. I then realized something.

“Wait, how are you gonna do Carrie since that day you’d be this body?” I asked.

“I’ve been working with Darren on lines and choreography,” she said, “and he’s been teaching me the plays and other stuff like that in football.”

“Ok,” I said. I was a little amazed. For the past four years, they’ve been able to kept this up without people finding out.

“By the way babe, you can’t tell anyone,” she said, “if you do, me and Darren would be taken away.”

“My lips are sealed,” I said, doing a little hand gesture on my mouth.

“Good,” she said, with a smile on her said.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------After school, I had Carrie practice. We were in a hurry since opening night was this Friday. It was weird seeing “Addy” since I know their secret. I walked up to him. “Hi Simon,” he said, “I had fun Friday.”

“Addy told me,” he said.

“What did I tell you?” he said.

I rolled my eyes, “Quit the act, Darren! I know your and Addy switch bodies every other day.”

“My sister is so dumb!” he yelled, “she can’t just tell every boy she likes our secret.” I looked around to make sure no one was listening. Luckily everyone else was too busy dealing

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the wrath of Esther to care what we were talking about.

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me,” I said.

“Simon, we need you at the sound booth,” Esther yelled, “stop kissing Addyson.”

“The queen needs me,’ I said, with a eye roll.

He chuckled, “Have fun.” I walked over to the sound booth, which I run with a freshman named Elijah.

“Ok losers, we need to do atleast one run through of the play,” she yelled, “I’ll keep you here till ten if I need to.” We all groaned, even Joe. She’s kept us hear till ten atleast three times before.Practice was perfect. The rest of the week was perfect. I hung out with whatever body Addyson was in that day. It was great… then Friday night came along.























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Chapter 6


The drama club got out of class early Friday so we could get ready. Esther made us run through every song atleast twice. When play rehearsal began I loved the song “Open your Heart,” now I hate that song with every bone in my body.


The school ordered pizza for everyone, but we had little time to eat. Esther made us rehearse while we eat. Everyone wonders how she tied with Joe for drama club president. Joe is a cool guy who everyone likes, the exact opposite of Esther.


I sat with “Addyson.” He was eating a slice of pepperoni pizza by himself. “Break a leg tonight,” I said.

“With the luck I have, I probably will,” Darren said.

“You’ll be great,” I said.

“Great isn’t good enough Simon,” a voice I identified as Esther’s barked, “we need perfection.” she grabbed my collar. “Got that lover boy.”

“Yes mam,” I stuttered.

“Glad we're the same page” she said, with a kinda evil grin. She let go of my collar and went to give the backup dancers a hard time.

“She’s a total sicco,” I mumbled.

“I know right,” he said.

“She’s almost as bad as my old friends,” I said, then realizing he wouldn’t get that.

“What do you mean?” he asked, with a head tilt.

“Before I started dating your sister, i hung out with Laura Jean and her friends,” I said, looking down.

“Really? You don’t seem like the kind of person to hang out with people like that,” he said.

“Well, we all have skeletons in our closets,” I said.

He chuckled, “Yes we do.”

“Alright kids, start throwing your trash away,” Joe said, “the seats are filling up.” We all nod at him.

I looked past the curtains to a almost full auditorium. It was a shook to me, at most our

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plays only fill half of the auditorium. Even last year when we did Hamilton. Carrie was a broadway flop, so fans of the original musical wouldn’t fell up the auditorium this much.

Darren walked up, “So many people,” he whispered.

“Yep,” I nodded. He was shaking. “You know, it’s not too late for Whitney to take over your role.’

“No, I’m fine,” he sighed. Then I saw something suspicious. Lanely and Laura where sneaking around backstage.

I walked to them, “What are you doing here? Whatever your planning it’s not gonna work!”

“You mean our plan to help with the musical?” Laura asked, tilting her head.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Yeah dumbie, I hired them last minute to help with the prom scene,” Esther said. Takes evil to hire evil. I don’t trust this. Unless Esther had a secret agenda, she’d never hire someone new on the day of the play.

“Yeah ok,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Nerds, curtain in five,” Esther yelled.

“I’ve got to go, but I’ve got my eyes on you,” I said. I walked over to the sound booth. Elijah was sitting there. “Ready?”

He nods, “let’s do this.” The theater is full of people now. Most were students who are probably only here to get a A in a class. The auditorium was full of chatter. Esther was barking at everyone to make it perfect.

“Clair, it’s starting!” Esther yelled. She ran to her spot on stage. “Ok people, get ready!”

“What’s your name?” A off screen voice yelled.

“Sue Snell,” Clair stuttered. I watched from the side of the play. During the number “Carrie” I got a vision. It was of a girl covered in red paint, laying on the ground. Something must go wrong with the prom scene, and it’s probably Lanely and Laura’s fault. It distracted me so much that I accidently turned off the music. Luckily Martha’s thunderous supernano voice was able to save the number. I knew Esther gonna be super angry, but I didn’t care. All I care about is making sure this doesn’t happen.

When the number “Open your Heart” began, Esther came over with the most angry look in her eyes. She yanked me out of my chair. “Simon what in the world,” she yelled.

“It’s hard to explain,” I said. She then proceeded to slap me.

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“The only excuse is ethir your dieing or someone else is dying,” she yelled. Before I could explain, she stormed off.

“Your deadmeat,” Elijah said.

“Please be quiet,” I said. He sang a little song about how dead I am. During “Open Your Heart” Esther took over my part of the soundbooth. “It’s to make sure you don’t mess up again,” she said. Darren walked over to me.

“Can I talk to you in private?” I asked him.

“Of course,” he said. We went to a storage closet. “So what’s up?”

“I’m gonna tell you something crazy,” I said.

“Crazy is my middle name,” he said.

“I’m a psychic powers,” I said.

“That’s insane,” he said, “but I believe it.”

“Good,” I said, “I had a vision where Martha got hurt, and she was covered in red paint.”

“I need to warn her,” he said.

“Tell her during intermission,” I said.

“I will,” he said. “I’ve got to go, it’s time for my big scene.”

“Break a leg,” I said. We left the storage closet. Esther would still not let me anywhere near the soundbooth. I sat on the floor and watched the play. I watched the scene, till it happened. After the song, a metal bucket full of red paint fell from above the stage and hit Darren in the head. He was knocked out immediately.













16.

Chapter 7


The audience began to freak out. I looked up and Lanely and Laura where on a platform above the stage. They had guilty looks on their faces. I ran to Darren, Addyson and their parents where already there. I heard someone frantically call 911. This was my vision. Lanely and Laura ran over.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, threw my teeth.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen,” Lanely said, covering her mouth.

“Well it did,” I said, avoiding making contact with them. “How about you just leave.”

“I wanna help,’ Laura said.

“Well your help isn’t welcome,” I said, still looking at Darren. “Your not welcome at this school anymore.”

“You can’t kick us out,” Laura said.

“But once the principal finds out you’ll be expelled,” I said, using everything to not attack them.

“It’s just a play dude,” Laura said. I stood on my two feet. Danielle, who had come on, put my hands on her shoulders and pushed her off the stage. Lanely gasped. She gave her a look, and she ran. I looked at Danielle as she walked away


I drove Addyson to the hospital. Mr. and Mrs. Barlow road in the ambulance with who they think is their daughter. The ride was silent’ our car rides were usually full of jokes and pop culture references. “I’m sorry,” I said, finally breaking the silence.

“It’s ok,” she sighed.

“They wouldn’t have if I hadn’t t hit Laura,” I said.

“No, they would have still because their jerks,” she said. We pulled up the hospital. We sat in the waiting room while Darren was in surgery. We were the only ones in the waiting room. I looked at the clock. It was 12:00 a.m.

“Darren?” I asked.

“Still Addyson,” she said. We then went back to silence. Then a doctor came in.

“Are you here for Mr. Barlow?” he asked. We all nod. “He slip into coma during surgery, but you can see him now.” We quickly went into the room. The room was barely lit. Laying there was Darren in Addyson body. Me and Addyson sat near his bed. The only sound was the heart

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monitor. His heart was barely beating. Addyson then broke into a sob.

“Hey you’ll get your body back,” I said, not loud enough for their parents to hear.

“It’s not that,” she said. “I’m just scared he’s gonna die never being the real him.”

“The real him?” I asked.

“When we were 14, he spent the night at Kevin Johnson’s house,” she explained. “When we switch, it was when they were in the middle of a kiss.” She cried more. “He said he wasn’t ready to come out yet, and know he might never be able to.”

“He's gonna wake up,” I said. Then the heart monitor went flat. Doctor’s ran in and tried to revive him, but it didn’t work. I let Addyson cry into my shoulder.

“I think we should break up,” she managed to get out.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because Si, I love you and you should be with a normal girl,” she said, tears still streaming down her face.

“I don’t want a normal girl I want you,” I said.

“I’m sorry,” she said. I knew it was time for me to leave. I drove home and cried.


















18.

Chapter 8


It’s been three weeks since Addyson dumped me. It’s been the hardest three weeks of my life. Sure I haven’t had to see Lanely or Laura since the incident, but it’s still been terrible. I gave in and started dating Danielle, something my old friends always pressured me into doing. I wasn’t happy with her or any of my new friends. I was also upset since the world was mourning Addyson, when the only thing dead about Addyson is her body.


Addyson was adjusting to her new life. She has decided to live her life as a gay man. The life Darren wanted to live, but was to scared too. I wanted her back, but I don’t know how to get her back. Am I ok living my life as someone who likes both boys and girls to the rest of the world? What will people say about me supposedly dating my dead girlfriend’s brother? What about Danielle? I’ve grown to like her as a friend.


The answer came clear to me while watching “10 things I hate about you” with Danielle. I have seen this movie thousands of time. I surprised myself when I thought of the answer. It was during the scene Patrick sings to Julia. It made me know what I should do. “Dani,” I said.

“Yes babe,” Danielle said.

“I’m breaking up with you,” I sighed.

“Why?” She said, almost in tears.

“I’m in love with a man,” I said. She looked at me.

“Oh, good for you,” she said.

“Are you mad?” I asked.

“Surprised, yes,” she said, “angry, no. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“Darren Barlow,” I said. She got up and put on her jacket.

“Come on, let’s get your man,” she said.

“Thanks for being understanding,” I said.

“No problem,” she said, hitting my shoulder. We got in her car. She started to drive. “If we go five miles over the speed limit will get there five minutes before half time.

“Are you crazy?” I asked. She looked over at me.

“Yes,” she said smiling.

“I can’t confess my love to,” I said, almost saying Addyson, “Darren if I’m in jail.”

19.

“Fine, need me to get your baby seat?” she asked.

I rolled my eyes, “yes. Get my baby seat.” We shared a good laugh.

“I hope we can still be friends,” she said.

“Me too,” I said. We smiled at each other.

“Maybe I had a crush on you because I wanted to be your friend,” she said. “Which sounds dumb once it comes out of my mouth.”

“No I get it, you didn’t come up to me because at that time I was friends with some bad people,” I said.

“Yeah, honestly I laughed when you hit Laura in the face,” she said.

“Not my best moment,” she said.

“Where here,” she said, “now go get your man.”

I smiled, “you’re awesome.”

“You don’t have to remind me,” she said. We both got out and paid for tickets. I told her to go get herself while I got ready. It was one minute till half time. We were losing 26 to seven to The Red city Pitbulls. Our team, dressed in purple and white, tried their hardest, but the other team scored a touchdown. Then half time came and I grabbed my microphone.

“This song is dedicated to the man I love, Darren Barlow,” I said into the microphone. People then started talking. ‘You’re just too good to be true,” I sang. I sighed and then sang. “I can’t take my eyes off you.” I continued singing. People got their phones and started recording. I couldn’t tell whether Addyson was embarrassed or if she was was happy. Once I got done I jumped over the railing. “What do you think?”

“I think your dumb,” she said. She then proceeded to kiss me on my lips. His hands where on my face. People were cheering, but people were also yelling mean things at us. I didn’t care. I was kissing the woman I love. I didn’t care what the rest of the world was doing at this moment. That was next moments problem. She pulled away.

“I love you,” I said.

“I know,” she said, “you just sang it to me.” We then put our foreheads together. Over the Addyson/Darren’s shoulder, I saw Danielle smiling at us. I would smile back if I wasn’t already smiling.

“You should go before coach comes and kills you,” she said.

“Good idea,” I said. I sat beside Danielle. I watched the game and smiled.

“I wasn’t expecting something like that,” Danielle said.

20.

“Well, a guy like him deserves a grand gesture,” I said.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:20 am

Hey Arrow,

I see your chapter(s) here have been sitting in the Green Room for a bit, so I'm here with a review to rescue them for you! My style tends to be making comments as I read on anything that stands out to me, and then give my general thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

“Aye Simon, I need help with the lighting,” Joe said. I passed him a bulb. I’m apart of the stage crew for Carrie the Musical, and for once Chris is more interesting than Carrie. The girl playing Chris is Addyson Barlow. I wish I was playing Billy, instead of Josh “my dad is a billionaire” Loft.


This is a really confusing first paragraph to start your novel on. I can't emphasize enough how vitally important your first paragraph is. It sets the tone and, like it or not, is the first thing your reader is going to judge your novel on. You want something with a hook -- something intriguing or exciting that will motivate your readers to keep reading.

With few exceptions, I almost never like it when a chapter/novel starts with dialogue. Occasionally that is fine. But it's pretty difficult to set up enough interest if you simply have a character saying something -- especially something as un-exciting as talking about lighting.

In addition to that you have WAY too many characters mentioned way too soon. You want to space out introducing characters over several chapters. Like, I like to introduce 1-2 characters in the first chapter, /maybe/ 3 if I'm pushing it. And here in the very first paragraph you introduce a bunch of characters in a single paragraph and then also have the character who they are playing -- which just makes it that much more confusing for readers like me who have no reference point to compare those names to, since I'm not familiar with the musical you're talking about. Just take it nice and easy on introducing characters -- but try to work a bit more excitement into the first paragraph, if possible.

I believe their normal people who just take breaks every other day.


You might want to be a bit clearer about what you're talking about here. I had to read this section a few times to understood what you're talking about taking breaks every other day -- and I'm still not 100% certain that I'm interpreting how you intended it to be interpreted.

Sometimes I wonder why we're all friends. We met at a work picnic that their parents and aunt were having for work.


I'm a big proponent of not repeating words in close proximity of one another. Almost always you can choose a replacement for one of the repetition or you can just delete it altogether. And here you have "word" twice in the same sentence.

I would recommend editing out the first one so that you have a sentence that reads "We met at a picnic that their parents and aunt were having for work." because that still shows us it's a work picnic without the repetition of the word.

I had another vision. It was of a random boy falling off a skateboard. Then a boy came up in his skateboard. He tried to skate then the railing, but fell and skinned his right knee.


So, I like the idea of the visions, but you could do a better job of portraying them. I liked the way you did the first one -- where he has the vision, a couple of things happen, and THEN the vision comes true. That was subtle but good. I remembered right away, oh yeah, vision.

Where here it happens immediately after and doesn't really give us the time or emotional energy to build up to anticipating that then wham, all of a sudden, it's over. This one feels more coincidental. Like did he actually have a vision? Or did he subconsciously see a skateboard and then his brain go "You know what could happen?" and then it by chance comes true. I like having time for the anticipation to build.

Not even binge watching the Harry Potter movies didn’t help.


You have a double negative here and I'm pretty sure it's not what you were going for. The way this reads is that binge watching DID help. I think you're looking for:

"Not even binge watching the Harry Potter movies helped."

or

"Even binge watching the Harry Potter movies didn't help."

But not both together.

“This is why I didn’t answer Friday. I knew no guy wants to date a girl who switches bodies with her brother.” I took one of Darren’s hands.


Oh! That is a REALLY interesting twist! I kind of really love it!

~ ~ ~

Okay! So I have several overall thoughts about this piece:

1) You definitely need to split this up into more works. The chapters you have are super short and easily read so you could easily have a couple contained in one work -- but this is an incredibly long story to read and is probably a lot of the reason why this has sat so long without reviews.

I mean this was a great story. I definitely think people would like to read this. But when you open the link it is scary long and it took me an extremely long time to write this review because I was critiquing like six chapters instead of one or two -- and yet I'm still only getting the credit/points of one review. And that's totally okay! I don't personally mind that! But I do think that if you had it shorter then it would be more accessible and less intimidating to review.

2) You have what we frequently refer to in fiction as "Talking Heads." Here is a Resources article that deals with the topic for your reading pleasure, but basically it's where you have a bunch of dialogue with very little else to buff it up.

In stories you want to have a good balance of description and dialogue -- and here I'd say probably at least 90% of the substance is nothing but dialogue. Slow the story down -- really delve into the scene and explain what your characters are thinking and feeling and seeing and smelling and hearing. For example, your visions:

Just then, I had a strange vision. It was of Greenie spilling some kind of drink. I shrugged it off.


This is how you have the first one, currently. But think about adding imagery.

Suddenly, I experienced what I can only think of as a vision. Instead of my own desk and computer screen that I had been looking at, now all I could see was Greenie, sitting in her own room. It was kind of dark in the room. There were papers scattered on the desk in front of her, and further behind a laptop. She reached forward to take the mouse -- and all of a sudden knocked over some sort of a drink sitting in a nearby cup, making it spill all over the papers in front of her.

Just as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped. Suddenly I was back in my own room, looking at my own computer, and Greenie was no closer than on my screen with the Skype call. I took a deep breath, trying to understand what had just happened. I didn't understand. It was almost like a memory -- only, one that I'd never experienced before. It just felt so real.

~ ~

You kind of see what I'm getting at? That's the first two paragraphs that popped into my mind and I know they're not fantastic -- but even the not-fantastic examples that I provided show you how you can really beef up your writing by descriptions and giving us some tangible things -- the sense of the light, the actions she's taking, how he feels about the vision afterward, etc.

The visions are something that you could really really improve simply by delving into them and explaining what it is, exactly, that your main character is seeing and experiencing during these visions -- rather than merely telling us that he has them and then whoop, all of a sudden they come true.

In addition to helping us get a better mental image, they also help the story feel like it's moving along and adds in an extra layer of complexity to make the story interesting. Right now you have an interesting plot for sure -- but it's not overly engaging to read. Like yeah, I could keep reading -- or I could stop and do something else. It didn't matter to me overly much whether I read or not or if I got to the end.

Writing descriptions is a really great way to engage both your reader's emotions and mind and makes it easier for you to write a compelling story that is going to motivate your reader to turn page after page in order to figure out what's going to happen next.

3. Your plot! I've mentioned it a few times -- but your plot twist is absolutely amazing! I love that little quirk. It's not what I was expecting at all, which is awesome and refreshing because I usually figure out the "twist" of a story super easily and it was nice to be taken by surprise.

That being said, it also would benefit from your descriptions. Beef it up a bit. Play up the awkwardness and how they both seem off every other day. Have him interact with the brother on an off day so it's actually Addyson in the body and have "him" suddenly blush and run away, thoroughly bewildering Si as to why the brother would act like that around him for heaven's sakes. Stuff like that to add in an extra layer of emotion and intrigue and start questions rising in the reader's mind so that when we get to the plot twist we're like WHAT?! Oh my gosh so THAT is what was happening there! Super cool! sort of thing.

~ ~ ~

Overall (I know this is my second overall but I had a lot to say about this story because there were a lot of chapters and aspects to comment on ;) ), I think this story has a LOT of potential and has a super cool plot, but I also think that you could do a better job of conveying that plot to us.

I'd definitely recommend that you check out the Resources tab of our forums for some awesome writing tutorials and browse to see if there's anything you would like to work on brushing up on. Most of those articles are super good advice from really talented writers on our awesome site and I personally have benefited greatly from reading articles posted there.

That's all I've got for you for now!

If you have any questions about anything that I said, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM or comment on this or post on my wall. I love novel talk and I'm totally open to discussing more of these ideas with you if you have any questions.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

User avatar
Horisun
Review
Horisun wrote a review · Sun Dec 30, 2018 4:50 am

I think this is a great story that is well written, the ending was satisfactory and I really enjoyed it, there were a few things that could be worked on.
First of all, it was a little rushed, even more so towards the end. The moment Darren died was also a bit rushed too. It still felt emotional, however, a bit distant. Some dialogue felt rushed too, like when Simon broke up with Danielle, she seemed to get over the shock really quick.
Also, the fact that Simon gained powers seemed a little weird, and its never explained.
Third, there were a few grammar issues, and the odd misspelled word, its not as bad as some other things I've read but it'd do you good to read it through again.
Finally, there were sevral numbers throughout the story, and I think there meant to be chapters, but there sometimes in the middle of a sentence or conversation, I don't know if it was a mistake or something, but whenever it happened it took me right out of the story.

Overall, excellent job, I look forward to seeing more from you. I absoloutly loved this story. As always, keep writing



You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author