If you could see the side of me that was once alive and free
You would fall a victim to my ensnaring wrath of romance.
Radiant and wayward was my path straight towards victory,
But life didn't give me the chance to reach the happiness,
The glorious step up above all the friends in my past.
And now my glass is half empty and slowy desending,
I think my life is running short.
The tears that I bring are dwindling,
I think they're running out.
The steps I take are never awake,
They shuffle through the quakes of pain
Like a vagabond through dark days.
I'm in my own hell,
Burning like a steak on a grill,
My skin is hot,
My eyes are boiling.
So please, dear, wrap me in foil and hide me from the night.
Wipe a tear from my eye and show me
The mercy I long since have left behind.
Bring me the light that will show me the way.
Light up the fire which steams up the rain
And bring back my long lost dignity.
Fill up my glass sometime today.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really enjoyed this. It captured me and i wanted more to read. You have some great skill there well done.
Hi, fadedphotograph!
My big beef here is the third line: you had to rearrange the syntax of that sentence so the ending word would fit the rhyme scheme. That's a very common technique, particularly in older poetry, but in many situations it can be jarring, because it immediately becomes apparent that the writer did so to adhere to the rhyme scheme. Which illustrates a further point: the rhyme scheme weakens your language.
Just correcting a misspelled word in that line.
The repetition of "I think ___ running out" is not good. The middle line is also rather awkward.
The last two lines here are very good, nice employment of slant rhyme. The first line, though...how can a person's steps be "awake"? That left me befuddled.
All four of these lines basically say the exact same thing. Either tighten it up, or use more disparate details/similes to describe what the narrator is experiencing.
The end of this is pretty good in general. However, I'm confused because somehow, another person is randomly introduced in the first line. So only now do we find out the narrator is actually saying all this to another person. I think this person being addressed by the narrator should be axed entirely, since their presence is random and not tangible for the reader at all.
Keep writing!