Once upon a time there was a enigmatic little imp named Ben Karp. His last name was not really Karp but kids at school called him by it because he had ears which resembled karp fins. Now, Ben found this a bit mean so one day he hid a knife in his backpack and brought it to school. . . . Then the world fell into choas as Ben sliced up some liver chunks on a makeshift table in the quad where everyone has there lunch. Eventually, Ben ran out of liver to section off into chucks, so . . . he started taking people with immoderate force over to his table where he brutally layed them down and started shoving massive handfulls of caviar down their poor throats. And the whole time everyone in the quad went about their normal activies as if nothing was going on. Proctors proctated, students studentated.
Ben got tired of shoving caviar down peoples throats so he came to a grand conclusion: He would eat lunch.
He started walking towards one of the lunch stands, covered in caviar and cow blood, when and anvil fell on his head, pushing him down through the concrete and into hell where he lived happily ever after in a palace made out of brimstone and chocolate.
THE END
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Thanks for the advice. This was just a quick little story I wrote for a friend that took me about three minutes. I enjoyed it, so I posted it. If I would have been more careful I would have noticed those things you mentioned. But hey, critique is critique. I liked your review.
Uh...I usually try to avoid critiquing stories like these but I guess I can take a crack at it.
I'd like to see a more detailed description of Ben Karp. We don't even know how old this character is which is crucial in creating a compelling story. Also, carp is spelled with a C not a K.
Why ellipses?
Use spell-check before posting. Chaos, laid, handfuls all spelled wrong. I guess proctated and studentated could stay since this is satire.
Also, also give us a description of the lunch room, preferably a comical description to fit the tone of this store. Tell us about the different students too, especially the ones he force feeds caviar. Tell us about the horse-faced girl in the yellow dress. Or the boy who weights 375 pounds and can only walk with the support of two metal canes.
Great example of relating to the reader. Force feeding people always helps my appetite too.
Hell is an awesome setting so I wish you'd describe it some more. Describe Ben biting off the nose of one of the gargoyles on the castle, the gargoyle made of German Chocolate with truffles for eyes, then spitting out the nose because its filled with coconut and Ben hates coconut.
Seriously, hammer in the details to make this story as funny as possible.
Oh and KeEp wRiTiNg