Call me now, call me out from the inside
Of my mind where the silence is grinding,
Let the sounds and screams of sorrow see the light with me and fade away with tomarrow.
Outside in the light of the mourning
Call my name, scream it loud,
Let me hear you wanting . . .
I don't know where the end of this road is,
I know it's far away from the onset,
The onset of some putrid pestilence.
Let it rise, let the tears brim from your eyes,
And when you die don't shed a single thought of me
For I'll be bleeding on the ominiscent altar of my mind,
Shedding my emotions into thin air.
When the deluge of rain starts to fall once again and bring you from the grave,
Call my name once again into the mourning.
I think that the meaning of this poem should be a challenge to find for reviewers. So, have fun! I'll give the meaning later once someone comes close. Maybe it's easy to decipher.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hey, Thefadedphotograph ! Like I said before, I really like your art; and, I enjoyed this poem a lot. Your art and writing skills are excellent. Just want to say it was wonderfully composed-great!
My favorite description
ooohh, i see! thanks for clearing that up!
About the meaning. It's about a failing relationship, and the main guy knows that he's going to kill himself when it's over because her love which he has gotten so used to will no longer be with him. He feels as if she is the the hand holding the half of his heart which wills him to stay alive but if she drops it he will no longer be willing to live.
oh! p.s. i run track and xc too! woo!
hey there! so i thought this poem was really nice, the rhythm was really fluent and it just felt good to read, haha. that sounds weird but when i'm reading a piece i get really picky and if i don't like the rhythm i won't continue reading. the alliteration in the third line is nice, however, sounds and screams are really similar, so maybe you could switch one of those up. And while Kyllorac thinks your poem is obvious, i'm still figuring it out. I mean yes, it's quite clear this piece isn't cheerful, but i can't figure out if you're talking about lost love by death or space apart? are the lines of death symbolism or are you being literal?
From what i'm getting, from lines 6 down you're saying you want to know that so-and-so loves you but that you dont know where the relationship is going (or as you put it, "the end of the road").
"I don't know where the end of this road is,
I know it's far away from the onset,
The onset of some putrid pestilence."
I dont understand these lines; onset means beggining, so what you're saying is that the beggining of something harmful is not at the end of the road? pestilence can mean evil or epidemic, and i can't figure out which meaning you intended, though i'm guessing the latter because you mention death and graves. but why wouldn't you want the one you love to think of you before they die? are you saying not to worry about you or..
am i getting close? haha
i'd really like to know what this means, and let me know if you update anything!
Although, Kyllorac, your review was a bit harsh; it was very helpfull. On the matter of that long line: I could find no place to split it that would benefit to the beat which I had in my mind.
As for the word "Mourning" or "Morning" it could go either way, but my true intention was "Morning;" it was just a spelling mistake.
Watch your spelling. Because of this, I'm not sure if you meant "morning" rather than "mourning". Judging from the meaning of the poem, "mourning" seems to be intended, but it still reads a bit awkwardly. I think dropping the "the" before it will work better.
Spelling aside, I think this poem would benefit from more consistent punctuation. Right now, you have a number of commas in place of periods; aside from grammatical correctness, I think the periods would work better to reinforce the "raw" feeling of the poem. Breaking up the longer lines into shorter ones would also help reinforce this. For instance, the line "Let the sounds and screams of sorrow see the light with me and fade away with tomorrow" is extremely long. You could probably break it up into three lines; not only will this make it easier to read, depending on where you break the lines, it would also reinforce the meaning of your poem.
As far as finding the meaning went, it was pretty easy. The references to the grave, mourning, deluge of rain, etc. were quite blatant. If you really want to make your readers search for the meaning, try describing things in an unconventional manner. This poem is a very good example of such.
This is really lovely. The emotion is almost tangible, and I like how rhythmic the poem is. Your meaning is quite complex, and it's always more interesting to read poetry that's difficult to decipher. This line especially is beautiful: "For I'll be bleeding on the omniscient altar of my mind."
The phrasing is original and emotionally effective. Good job.