Struck By a Star

Hey Thee,

I'll be upfront. This isn't very good. It's rather sloppy, to be honest. There is a subtle yet vital difference between your and you're, which you seem to have forgotten. Punctuation is everywhere and seemingly serves no purpose. The tenses switch like musical chairs, and the ideas are just as schizophrenic. Cliches are thrown about everywhere, and ellipses are abused. The cliches make for boring reading, and the ellipses serve no purpose, but they do annoy the reader after a while. I do think however, with reworking, this poem has potential.

--Sporks

Hey Thee,

Your poem right now reads very fragmented: your lines are pretty short and don't flow into one another as well as they could, which affects the reading of it. The repetitions you abuse early on do not help with the flow either, as they are unnecessary and only make the reader go over the same words over again, which is rather boring and doesn't give one the impetus to read further. I'd recommend just taking them out when they're not needed, and let the poem go on without them, because right now it feels like they're only there to inflate the lines.

You've also got a number of spelling (I'm looking at your/you're, for example) and capitalization issues, which I think could be in part fixed with a quick run through a spellcheck. Also, abuse of the ellipse. Only use it when it is necessary and appropriate: here you're just trailing off for no reason, and it's more frustrating than anything else.

Also check for cliché lines and flat, overdone images. And the vague attempt at dialogue consists of really stale, cheesy lines that I cannot take seriously. Rework, because right now there's nothing in here that's worth the time spent reading.

The grammar in this is atrocious. The punctuation is inconsistent, you have tense shifts everywhere, you've got randomly capitalized and uncapitalized letters scattered about, and you've got some basic misspellings tossed into the mix. All of these combine to make a confounding cacophony that was not pleasant at all to read, much less decipher.

First things first: brush up on grammar. Punctuation and capitalization rules especially. Poetry follows the same conventions as regular prose, and unless you have very good reasons to break those conventions, they should not be broken. And I do not see any good reasons for the conventions to be broken in this poem.

Secondly: tenses. Pick one, and stick with it. Jumping between past and present and who-knows-what-else tense is just confusing. Don't do it.

Lastly: spelling. You have some basic spelling mistakes like your/you're confusion. Spellcheckers aren't infallible, and nothing can beat several thorough proofreadings. So proofread. Please.

Ad im laying here my blood glowing...you either meant"and" or most likely "as"
You have a beautiful weird combination of fantasy and reality. You have combined an impossible dream with love, and that gave out the most intense heart-touching feeling. I could dream along, and search the beauty of your mind. Good job.
Write on, it's your thing.