It was ironic to see her gasping
drowning in a place
she once referred to as ethereal
Entangled by the creation of her own ancestors
trying her best to not let the plastic choke her
She knew it was the end
yet she didn't lose hope
struggling
was inevitable
but more importantly by choice
yet it didn't stop
until her once ever so elegant
and petite neck
turned a shade of red
until her lips turned a shade
of the ocean itself
until she couldn't feel
If only she hadn't jumped in the first place....
[This is my entry for the
stock photo challenge. The picture I chose told so many stories yet this was the one I was able to describe in the best way possible. I hope you guys liked it. Reviews are appreciated and thank you for reading my piece!]
Hi there!
Even if you read this poem quickly, there is still that weird feeling that stays inside you.
It is quite fascinating and impressive.
The message given in this poem changes something in your outlook and definitely makes you think before you act.
When I write poems, I make them rhyme, but even if you don't do that, it stays beautiful.
"Art is visible in many ways- some see it, some read it."
-Rose❤
https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/
"This poem leaves a powerful impression of tragedy and regret. The speaker paints a vivid picture of a person drowning in a once-beautiful place, now polluted by the very creations of humanity. The juxtaposition between the ethereal beauty the person once saw in the location and the harsh reality of their situation is striking. The idea of the person struggling by choice, even in the face of their impending death, adds a layer of complexity to the situation.
One thing I appreciate about this poem is its simplicity and directness. The language is straightforward yet poetic, creating a sense of immediacy and urgency. The use of color imagery to describe the physical effects of drowning is particularly effective, and the final line packs a powerful punch.
To enhance this poem, one suggestion could be to provide more context for the person's decision to jump into the polluted water. Was it an act of desperation or defiance? Was there a particular reason for it? Adding more detail to the backstory could give the poem more depth and emotional resonance. Additionally, exploring the theme of humanity's impact on the environment could be expanded upon, potentially through the use of more concrete imagery or metaphor. Overall, this is a thought-provoking and impactful poem that leaves a lasting impression."
Hey Thedifferent,
I really enjoyed this. I feel like the message was tied to plastic pollution in our oceans.
I feel like where I had to do a double take was "didn't lose hope... struggling... was inevitable." I wasn't clear if this was all her feelings or a bounce between feeling and reality.
This is just my take. Over all, great job!
Hello, VintageGirl here for a quick review!
Wow! I really like the image you chose and the way you told the story you saw in it. The last line is sad and a little haunting, as well as when you described the suffering as a choice. I like the use of the word “ethereal” mainly because it’s my favorite word at the moment, but also because of the way it contrasts the word choice and tone in the rest of the poem.
I think overall it’s very nice, but if you wanted to make some small changes I have some suggestions. First of all, I’m always on the lookout for accidental repetition. If you did this on purpose, completely disregard it, but I noticed you repeated “yet…” twice, in the second stanza and the third. If you wanted to mix it up a little, you could change the second yet to “but” or another word that indicates a shift. I think it also could be deleted entirely without completely disrupting the rhythm.
The punctuation could also be tweaked, but it depends on what you think fits your poem. I feel like periods at the ends of the stanzas could work, since you have a solid end to each. However, if you have some punctuation, you normally need to add the rest (commas after “gasping,” “ethereal,” “ancestors,” “end,” etc). This is just me being super nit picky, though. I think it works as is, so you don’t need to change anything if you don’t want to!
Lovely poem!
Keep writing,
VintageGirl
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