What is it that floats in the water?
An insect in this moonlit night, it looks like.
Look at how all of life travels together,
You'll see the same, because we're alike.
I made an odd looking paper boat today,
We'll sail it down and run along.
Isn't life a journey through difficult waters?
But we'll survive the high tides, I know we're strong.
The clouds cover the shivering moon,
And darkness raises its flag on all land.
But our reflections glow in the river,
A strange light emanates from pure hearts, my friend.
The dense forest engulfs people; souls get lost,
You run into the wilderness as it calls you away.
One day you'll want to come back and you'll follow the river,
There you'll find me running along a paper boat, just like the old day.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Thedancingmonk! Becca here for a quick review.
This was a great poem, but I think there is some room for improvement. You use such beautiful imagery here, and even incorporate a kind of meter. My biggest suggestion for this poem is to ditch the rhyming. It feels very forced, and rhymes aren't always even full rhymes. What you might want to include instead are internal rhymes, alliteration, assonance, other musical qualities that feel more natural.
You do a great job at description. From the first stanza, I see the insect floating in the moonlit water. In the second stanza, I see the paper boat sailing. In the third stanza, I loved the clouds covering "the shivering moon," and "darkness raises its flag on all land."
Some lines could be stronger here also. Some of them are full of abstractions like: "we'll survive the high tides, I know we're strong."
Overall, great poem. Obviously all of the changes are up to your discretion as the author. I hope this was helpful. Keep writing!
Hello there! Eli here!
First be first, welcome to YWS, I hope you are already welcomed warmly. If not, you have one welcoming from me now! I hope that you get along with the people in this community and there are no problems. We have many kind and generous people who are ready to help you when you are unsecure or you want to ask about something so do not be shy to ask our lovely friends here.
The poem does not include any mistakes to be honest, so I can only talk its content and how I udnerstand it. It is great and so nice to see a new member with a wonderful first work. I do not know what bad to say even if I feel like I need to make the review equal.
This short poem sounds more like a small message, yes, to a close friend. Maybe an invitation to go together on a new journey? At first, you think that we are talking about two small children who play around the river but it turns into the big truth being showed and proved once again for us that our whole life is one long path we need to walk through. You show us the journey one life is with simple things as a small slightly useless paper plane made of a child.
The only complain is about the last line right at the end. No need to agree with this complain of course. 'Just like the old day' just do not feel that well together with everything else you have going on. I understand the concept of it though. Maybe 'just like that old day' would be better. Then we will be talking more about one specific old day not just 'the old day'. It makes it more certain.
Keep on writing!