Gelotophobia - Fear of being laughed at.

That was really creepy! I loved the way you made the first word of every paragraph make up the sentence: Hello Will You Please Not Laugh Or I Will Kill You. That was a brilliant touch. I do think you should take a bit more pride in your work, though. If you don't even try to edit your grammar, it seems to say that you don't care. If you fix your grammar it also makes the story more enjoyable, though this was a very good story. Congratulations and welcome to YWS!

Hello Just before I review, I just wanted to say: Welcome to YWS! Hope you have a wonderful time on this great site

Anyway...

Hello {,} I'm Henry I was born on November, 24th. I have no intention telling you all of my basic information, since I'm afraid you might laugh at it. {Are you going to} read my story? {Just} promise me {n}ot to laugh{,} {o}kay? Because when I was a kid{,} {I was} ALWAYS being laughed at..{.} {T}here is {just} only one reason why{.} (I don't understand the reason to have many periods.)

I love how you introduced the chracter a bit in this paragraph. It's a little nice to know. I love the way that you explained that he was laughed at when he was a kid. That also gives me a questions in my head; Why was he laughed at? I have no idea, and that kept me reading on to find out.

Will..{.} Will is my dad who started all of this suffering{.} He told me (no comma here) I should go to a regular school, but I {didn't} want to, (I would have put) {I had a condition after all}. I {just} couldn't {,} {b}ut since he's my dad, I ha{d} no choice. I took a paper bag and made 2 small holes for my eyes and a long hole for my mouth {and} {a}fter{,} I put it on {my head}. I came down and my brother Simon (no periods here) LAUGHED AT ME ...(Just three periods will suffise)

I liked this paragraph because like the first one, it was a little mysterious. Since I kept reading, now I know that he's made fun of because of a condition he has, but what condition? I really want to find out so I kept reading. I also liked how you made his brother Simon laugh because most siblings point out flaws and laugh at them. Very realistic. I just want to specify what kind of brother he was. Older or younger?

"YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!" he shouted{.} I looked down and my dad just {put his hand on} my shoulder and smiled at me. I felt good and comfortable after he did that{,} {s}o I went to school wearing (the "a" shouldn't be here) gray shorts, --blue pants--? (he's already wearing gray shorts O_O), black rubber shoes and this {no periods} {p}aper bag... At first everyone laughed at me, but there is this one student that asked me why am I {was} wearing {the paper bag} {.} I didn't answer because I can't say the reason. After a couple of classes, {i}t's lunch time and a pretty girl named Claire came up to me and asked me the same question {that the other student asked me a while ago}. I finally spoke{,} and answered it with the truth, that I haven't said for a long period of time.

Ugh, I still don't know what his condition is! xD The students at the school seem very believable since lots of kids make fun of other kids when they are different (we live in a sick world). Could you just specify in your story if he is an elementary, middle or high school. It would just make his age a little more clear. (I don't know if he is a teenager but if he is, he seems more like a child).

"Please (no periods) {d}on't ask again... The reason why I'm wearing this is because my face is... Distorted..." I said, as I look at her face hoping for a normal expression{,} {b}ut I guess that that will never gonna happen again..{.} I hoped with a disappointed outcome. Again, I was laughed at. She was laughing… And laughing… And laughing… Until I took a pencil and stab{bed} it in her throat.

I finally know that his face is distorted! The girl was pretty mean, I got to admit, but seriously did he have to stab her in the throat? O_O That seems a little too violent... Again, I want to keep reading to see if she was hurt or whatever.

“NOT… LAUGH…” I said, not saying the word ‘do’ because if I do, they might do it instead of not doing it. “NOT LAUGH! NOT LAUGH! NOT LAUGH!” I said repeatedly, as the pencil went deeper into her throat. Blood was squirting out from her throat. Everyone in the room was crying and scared{.} 6 years old humans are crying{,} {u}ntil a teacher came looking at me full of surprise. I guess this is the first time, she saw a child killing another child. She shouted {"security"} {,} and I got angry because of it. Why do they ALWAYS call security? It’s not like I’m a bad kid. I just want silence… Acceptance… --Serious reaction,-- (I don't get this part) {.} {Why} {d}o they need to LAUGH?! I quickly took off the paper bag and faced all of them.

I don't get his age. Is he 6 years old? Or was that just an expression, because I would find it very unrealistic for a 6 years old to try to kill another child. In reality, if a child is being picked on, he would just scream and go tell a teacher. I found all of this very confusing.

“LAUGH!” I shouted as they look{ed} at me with terrified eyes. I was a bit happy that they didn’t laugh at my face, but… They began to cry..[.} Why? Why are they crying? It is because of my rotten left eye? Or maybe because of my nose that {were covered in boogers} Or my mouth that is burned like a fried hot dog? Or maybe my skin that have maggots, bugs and insects that lived inside?

I had enough… I took the pencil out of Claire’s throat and was about to go wild in class, but then{,} Will came and shouted “DON’T TOUCH MY SON!” … I was happy that he shouted that because I know at the end, he will say the words that we’re proud of.. “Don’t touch him without my permission.. I love him and I won’t let anyone hurt him, so {s}on… Since they will eventually hurt you.. I will give you the permission to…KILL EVERYONE” After hearing that, we both laugh, while I was killing everyone in the room except for my dad. Blood squirting, organs are being eaten, people are crying and I …. Heh… Am Laughing … And now it’s the end of the story...

Uh... I had no words. The ending sounds quite unbelievable. Like seriously, what kind of messed up dad will allow his son to kill people? I'm just saying... I also don't get why the boy calls his dad "Will". Shouldn't he be calling him dad? That sounds unbelievable too.

Anyway, that is it for this review. Please take in note that I wasn't trying to be mean but just trying to help you. Keep on writing!

-Kim

Hello, Theawesomefrance. Margo here to review your work. I would categorize this work as horror! I like how you told this from the perspective of Henry.

I think to improve this work, you could start off by saying something along the lines of:

"Hello. I'm Henry I was born on November, 24th and I am a murderer. The reason I kill people is because I am afraid they will laugh at me..."

A beginning like this will grab readers' attention right away and tie in the idea of Henry being a killer as well as having the fear of being lauged at. You also need to find a way to work in the fact that Henry's father is also a killer. Perhaps you could say something like:

"My dad, Will, is the only one who doesn't laugh at me. He told me one day that he would do anything to make the other children stop laughing...anything."

I think it's eerie how you made the first word of each paragraph form a sentence. Very horroresque!

A little more expansion on this story would make it better. Try developing Will and Henry's back story a little more. Remember, a good work is never finished!

--MS

hello there.
I'm not going to lie...this is probably the most sadistic piece I've ever read on YWS.
But that's okay...writing is usually a healthy way of expressing emotions. I just hope you wouldn't do something like this in actuality...

Firstly, I like the title. I might suggest shortening it to just the scientific word and adding the definition in the description or before the first paragraph, something like that.

There are definitely some grammar/punctuation things to go over, but they tend to be general. And in all honesty, I usually review more on the content side. So I'll let someone else talk to you about conventions.

To make the piece deeper, I'd also suggest adding a bit more of a backstory (although I like our first paragraph pretty well). Who is this person based off? Where did this deformity come from? Who are these people who interact with them? It seems shallow to the reader.

But I must say, reading the first word of each paragraph was chilling. Nice touch. Mind if I use something like that sometime?

Gorey, sadistic, shocking, and sudden...but people like a thrill, a creeper. I won't criticize you for being "weird" or "creepy", and I don't think anyone else on here should, because we're all artists. And artists are meant to be weird.
I like your raw style, honestly.

Keep writing,

~iron.n