So you come here to take me with you?
Are you sure you came to the right place, eh?
Well, I admit I'm lost, whats
today-Monday; Sunday. Whats
tomorrow- May or June?
doesn't matter to me, you see
this is where we sing, where we fall
asleep.
This is where the others died- on the dark streets.
No one weeps; we live on the streets.
We live here till they chase us
away. Stop, whats alarmed
you much? Stop! don't hurry, later go.
I've seen the likes of you lady,
yeah, yes...i have, always do.
So what are we, rodents you feed.
Don't worry lady. There's no need,
we ain't thieves, we ain't thieves.
No!! we are dancers dancing
in the night. Look its already twilight.
We are singers, we sing our pain
to ourselves. We are doctors-
heal ourselves with dirt.
We are the watchmen of the
broken glass and torn bed sheets.
We are the night men
sleeping on the benches
in the park under the stars;
yes, we are astronauts.
We fly the sky as the moon climbs,.
We are broken and fit to die,
yet we never lie down. No, no, no.
We don't lie down.
So Lady, when-
the good is above, the bad is below,
stuck in the middle, where do we go?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
In many ways I really liked this, particularly the penultimate stanza; you’ve taken a subject that is somewhat cliché and turned it into an interesting and absorbing piece. That said, there are some things that could use a bit of work.
Firstly, remember to capitalize your I’s. And put the apostrophes before the “s” in “whats” (what’s). I’m not sure “later go” works – it feels a bit awkward on the first read through, but after a few times it’s beginning to grow on me. Basically, watch the punctuation, grammar and all those nasty technical things that make a poem that much cleaner and easier to read.
Secondly, watch your spelling. “Climbes” should be “climbs” and “ourselfs” should be “ourselves” (assuming this was not an attempt at dialect).
I think if you tighten up on your punctuation a bit and tidy up those errors, you should have a really awesome poem on your hands
I’ll definitely look forward to reading more of your work.
Cheers,
~bubbles