Published April 24, 2009
The clocks are stuck on eight,
the lights below in the streets
are here again; watch them fireflies fly.
The curtains are drawn,
a bait . Your secret life captured on film.
And the lady smiles at your defeat.
Too late now to hide in lies.
The train departs in time again.
Trolleys and the baggage they carry.
People leave each other behind.
Departure is done, no real pain.
We are lost there after everyone has gone.
I am lost there, after you have gone
You circle the length of my mind as i move on.
Highways and interstates, trash trailer parks,
ocean views, sky blue, goodbye songs.
White lakes, broken hills and bare trees.
Deserts deep, bush under the stars.
Back lanes, fortune cookies,
my skin kissing the breeze.
All these, i am leaving now.
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hey there, thank you for your review, the criticism was appreciated.
I have made some changes now. Hopefully the gaps would have been filled now. Do read and provide your views to this revised poem.
Anyhow are you on facebook ?
Chill poem.
It looks like it was cut off in the middle.How does the rest of this line go?
There were a few grammar mistakes, but a lot of them actually add to the poem, like:
It serves to add to the reminiscence of childlike wonder.
There were a few, however, that I wasn't sure whether or not they were intentional, like:
--> maybe should be "at your defeat"?
and I'm not sure whether or not the "i" was meant to be capitalized or not, but I think it was.
My other criticism is that the length of the stanzas is haphazard. It makes it look a little disorganized. Anyway, I really like the statement "I am leaving now" at the end. It brings this air of closure that is very satisfying. In general, I really liked the poem and would like to read more from you in the future. Thanks for sharing!
~Trikky