Pain
Sharp needles piercing my body.
intense heat scolding my skin.
thin wire shredding my tendons.
Pain.
Family abandon me.
Friends desert me.
"They" exile me.
Pain.
Locked alone in a dark room.
Tormented by the creatures outside.
noises frighten me within my mind.
Pain.
Running to escape.
Gunshot heard by others.
Freedom in death.
Pain.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
this poem is the dogs danglies!!!!
i rlly love the imagery
it is well written and flows like a biach
its deep and draws the reader in
and again i dont understand mars on the vagueness has she no immagination? but i also agree with her on the repetition im sorry but its too much, its like yh they in pain, we get it.
other than that rachel u havent failed to blow me away with your talent once again
well done
<3
I loved this!
Your poem had great rhythm and I could follow it easily and understnad what you were trying to say the whole way through it!
I'm probably just repeating what everyone else has said but I have to say it all over because I really did love your poem!
I'm really not good when it comes to grammar but as I read your poem I couldn't make out any clear grammar mistakes which is a great plus.
I especially loved the way you closed the poem. The last line fitted extremely well with the rest of the poem so that helped with the flow of it. The flow of your poem was also great! It helped me read it with ease.
To be honest it feelt like I was actually in the poem and I love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me!
Everything seems to work so naturaly as well which in my opinion is the most important thing when writing a poem. Your rhythm, the flow, the atmosphere of the poem. Everything just seemed so perfect!
Overall I adored your poem. It was dramatic, effective and extremely well written. I love your writing style and I can't wait to read some more of your work!
I'm not good at pointing out bad things so think of me as your compliment review!
Keep writing!
Meg x-x
Hello! Welcome to YWS, Soul (if I can call you that). We have this rule that you should review two works by others before you post your own (and keep the 2:1 ratio). If you're unsure about how to review, check out this article or this one. This will make other people more eager to read your stuff, if they've seen you've spread the love as well.
It's a good idea to post in the welcome forum, that way you'll get the 411 on everything.
The repetition of the word 'pain.' Once is about the most you could use it in a poem as short as this one, and repeating it after every stanza is just bashing us readers over the head with it. It gets annoying, tbh.
The...vagueness (that's totally a word xD). Okay, you're feeling pain, but why? What happened? What's going on? Give us specific reasons or a situation, or else this poem could be about, well, pretty much anything, and that's boring! 
Anyway, onto your poem. It's nicely written, and I love the images in the first stanza. However, there are two things I don't like about it:
So, as I said, it's definitely a very good start and I'm glad you took the time to write this; it just needs a little revision, and a little more spark. I'm going to link you to another article on emotional poetry (one that has definitely helped me, so I hope it's good for you as well.)
Again, welcome to the site, and feel free to PM me if you have questions, need help, or just want to talk.
-Mars
That was enjoyable in a dark way. It's deep and that's what I like about it.