She hears a call in the distance.
Could it be another living soul?
No... Just the wind.
Trapped alone in her mind.
no-one can enter.
She sits in a corner.
Exiled from the world like a disease.
No-one wants her.
Maybe she could escape.
She searches in the dark for a way out.
Knives? Daggers? Ropes? Drugs?
She cannot find anything.
Someone must find her before...
Before...
Too late... her parents smile.
She never fitted in.
She did'nt deserve a life.
Good riddance!
That's what they say.
She now walks.
Forever... Alone
Nothing has changed.
Except location.
Her life was no different from death.
She might as well have never lived.
No-one accepted her... O even loved her.
Just because she was different.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,813 Reviews
I think that this poem was a little too direct. Too much was said, and little was left to be "experienced". Although of course this will generally be effective in appealing to people who have had similar experiences of alienation, I don't think its powerful enough to genuinely appeal to people who have already "found themselves". None the less, I like how you painted the mood of your poem (I'm a sucker for the dark and tragic ones) and it isn't a bad idea. It feels like everything you need is here but you can push this a little further! keep at it!
-Tyler
this poem rocks my socks
any1 who doesnt see the stroke of genius behind it is crazy!!!!
u guys are asking questions about what it means and acting like it a bad thing
i feel that 1 of the main points is that she wants you to think about this persons life and and how she feels and also how onlookers could interparate it differently. people also who comment on typo's r sad and cant just enjoy awesome poetry without critising stupid things like that, who cares? look beyond it and see the awesome poem.
well done
awesome poem
u should be proud of urself
i know i am of u
ignore bad comments!!!!!!!!! they just dont get ur geniosity haha
u know u should listen 2 me rachel!!!!
i am tha man!!!! the reviewing god!! lol
keep it up =]
Hey Soul! IWow, this is the second poem of yours I review today! Then, I'll dismiss the introductions ^_^
Line by Line!
The first sentence is a good start, I believe. It sets the mood.
Instead of a period at the end of the first line, a comma fits better, and as I have threw with you on the other poem, don't capitalize everything! Des-capitalize the 'could'.
The ellipses don't fit. A comma would do a better job.
Trade the first period for a comma.
'no-one' should be no one.
This stanza is very cliche.She sits all alone, no one cares, and so on. Make it your own! Original! Turn it up a bit, or make it even more morbid! Give it more emotion, not just tell me what it's like, make me feel it.
Escape from what? You make me think that she has nothing, no one. Then from what can she escape from? Her sadness? Make it clearer. Turn the second line's period into a comma.
Woah! The third line is suicidal. Nice touch
Before what?!
Her parents smile when it's too late to save her?! They wanted to get rid of her? I only got that now. Maybe try to develop it a bit more.
'did'nt' should be didn't. Another typo ^_^
This stanza... grammatically, it has nothing over the line, but as for imagery and so, it's really poor. I can't feel anything. Nothing. Zero. I'm supposed to feel sad, the girl has nothing.
This stanza is very incoherent and confusing. The now on the first line, makes me thing she couldn't walk, something hold her back. But then you say nothing has changed, so she did walked before. Alone doesn't need to be capitalized.
Comma after changed.
The last line is vague. Too vague and unclear. Also, the phrasing itself is awkward.
'Have' on the second line should be has. No one. I assume the 'O' should be an or? If so, correct it and don't capitalize it.
The end is cliche. So overused.
Overall: This poem, I'm sorry to say, was boring, because the theme itself is very overused, so to stand out and make a good poem you need to be original, but even your lines were common! This just needs a bit of polishing up, and you can turn it around
Feel free to PM if you need anything, and I'm sorry if I was harsh.
*Kat*
This was good, I just have a few little nit-picks. First off, the stanzas should all be the same length. Secondly, the punctuation was a bit dry and didn't really flow. Each line doesn't have to be it's own sentence. I would just add some commas or something. And then a few little things I just noticed:
So far as the actual poem itself, I loved it. I can basically relate, though not quite in such an extreme way. Good job!
Hey,
Great poem! I can't believe no one has commented on it, I've read them all and I like them all but this is my fav. It reminds me of the old me, if that makes sense. Your poems are dark and that doesn't normally grab me but i couldn't stop reading, thats a gift! Prof reading is my down fall too but no one is perfect. Thanks for the comment btw xx I'll add u as a friend
Any time u wanna bounce around some ideas 4 poems. I'm ur girl
Brown Eyed Girl xx