Improbable Love

Being an adult, I trust you can handle criticism maturely. As such, I shan't be holding back.

There was a niggling little presentiment in the back of my mind as I was reading this poem of yours that began its niggling early in the first stanza. Said niggling soon developed into a naggling doubt in the second, then blossomed into full-blown nagging surety with the third -- you chose rhyming words because they rhymed and not because they made sense within the poem. And it shows. Especially in the last two stanzas.

As if this wasn't bad enough, the language you used shifted completely from archaic to painfully, cutesily modern resulting in an very inconsistent tone. Said inconsistent tone left me wondering just what you were hoping to accomplish with this poem, if anything, and what were you thinking when you wrote/posted this.

If this was an experiment in writing a poem with a set form, I am afraid I must inform you that it is a failed experiment. The inconsistency in the language coupled with the obviously forced rhyme makes for some laughable lines, with the carrying an egg line the most prominent example. Seriously. Carrying an egg? Where did that come from? It would have made more sense if you'd make comparisons to "you" as being birdlike, but as you did not, that line stands out as a particularly egregious case of rhyming for the sake of rhyming.

So, how to remedy this?

First things first: kill the cutesy. Kill it deader than a doornail. Also kill the über archaicisms. In short, make your tone more consistent.

Secondly: deal with that rhyme. Either toss it out completely, or employ a more sustainable rhyme scheme that will not result in such laughable non sequiturs as the egg-holding line. Of the two, I think the foremost would be easiest to put into practice as the impression I get is that the rhyme is holding this poem back.

The one thing that did work in this poem was the repetition of "I pray thee not, a journey through improbable love." The iterations were nicely spaced out, which kept the line from feeling redundant. I think the comma after "not" is unnecessary and makes the line more difficult to understand, however, and so suggest omitting it.

As it stands though, there isn't much to really redeem this poem. It's subject is quite common, and about the only thing I can say is that the form is uncommon. Incorporating more unique imagery would be the way to go. You have the seeds of what could become very interesting imagery scattered throughout, but they are undeveloped. If you were to perhaps freewrite this poem without regard to form, instead focusing on developing the ideas and images associated with them, then you might wind up with something that could become decent with a bit of polishing.

Right now, however... this poem really isn't working for me at all.

I like the flow of this. I don't get the "improbable love" part though. I think you can make this longer and explain why the love is improbable. Your poem seems more like a song to me? I was singing it while reading it. I like your rhyme scheme and I love the first stanza. Good work!