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Sucked into a black hole prologue

by TheWeirdoFromBeyond

The Theory will be tested

The past, as Daniel remembers it, 

In the headquarters of The International group of astronomers, 

1 pm, 22nd June, Wednesday, the year 2050

He enters the building, and makes his way to the front desk.

"Is Mr Vincent available?" He asks the receptionist. 

"Yes, he is waiting for you. Please follow me." She says and leads him to a room on the second floor and knocks on the door.

"Come in," says a voice from inside.

"Mr Ford is here," she says and excuses herself.  

"Glad you could join me today, Mr Ford. Please sit down," he says, gesturing to the chair opposite his. Daniel sits down.

"As you know, we have finally found our means to time travel, black holes. Would you like to be a part of our mission?"

The present, as Daniel sees it,

      Time, place and date unknown.

"Ughhh," he says before his eyes gradually open. It takes a minute for his eyes to show him more than blurred images, and once he can almost properly see, he looks around at his crew members, Estela, Calypso and Matt, who seem to be stirring too. Still dazed a bit, he gets up and looks out the window, to see a massive white object, that resembles a black hole in shape. He tries to remember what had happened, and the last thing he can remember is getting sucked into a black hole.

To be continued...

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588 Reviews

Points: 1671
Reviews: 588

Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:41 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...

Hey, TheWeirdoFromBeyond! I apologize for taking so long to review this chapter. I'll try my best to make sure this doesn't happen again with future installments of your story!

Building off of what other people have commented in their reviews, you have a wonderful chapter - it just needs more to it. Don't be afraid to add more exposition to your story! I saw that this is labeled as 1.1 and not just 1, so I'm guessing you have more of this chapter? I'd suggest combining whatever you have left with this part and make it one complete, digital version of the chapter. It will give the reader more time to get attached to the characters and the plot.

If you're struggling to increase the length of your chapters, I'd suggest going into more depth with each part you mention. Use an abundance of descriptions to paint a clear picture of the setting and characters. Involve smaller, seemingly insignificant actions leading up to the main parts of a chapter to give the reader more of an idea of what the protagonist is like. Right now, we don't know much about Daniel. Which is a shame, since he seems like an interesting guy! I'm sure he has a really interesting motivation for why he decided to join this expedition in the first place, but the reader doesn't get to see that because you skim over the meeting so much.

I'd make one other suggestion, one that you're free to disregard if you don't like it! But I actually think this chapter would work better as a prologue - it introduces the story with a flashback and a final line that leaves the reader hanging.

"Is Mr Vincent available?" He asks the receptionist.

You don't have many grammatical errors in your story, but the quote above has one of the most common ones. When using a title like Mrs., Mr. or Ms., don't forget to add a period afterwards. The second thing I wanted to point out here is that you capitalized the "H" of "He". You don't do that with the other dialogue in the chapter, so I'm guessing this was just a typo.

Overall, you have a really interesting premise for a story! I can't wait to learn more about it.

Good luck on your writing endeavors!

Thanks for reviewing. I will take some time to post more. I will add more details about the meeting in the next part. I think I will stop dividing my chapter in parts in the future. Right now, my school just started up again, so I have very little time to spare for YWS, because of which writing long chapters is difficult. But I will try my best to do it ASAP. I think your suggestion to make this part a prologue is great. Thanks for suggesting.
There again :)

there Thanks
Lol, I'm making a lot of typos lately.

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1085 Reviews

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Reviews: 1085

Fri Jun 15, 2018 12:23 am
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Mea wrote a review...

Hey there, Prachi! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review today, and hopefully I'll be able to build on shaniac's already excellent review.

I like how you clearly have the separation between the past and the present by having the words in italics at the top of each section. I also like the "as David remembers it"/"as David sees it" part, as that both tells the reader that David is our POV character, and reminds us that his perspective may be more limited than we expect.

I also like that you have the brief flashback at the beginning, and that it's clearly telegraphed as a flashback, because it tells us that when we jump to the present, something cool involving time travel and black holes will have already happened. And sure enough, when David wakes up, he's time-traveled.

I think my main critique here is that this chapter needs expansion. This feels more like a summary of a chapter than a full chapter - it's just so short, with very little other than dialogue. Not only do I want to know more about the setting, like shaniac said, I want to know more about the situation and about David as a character. Why does the "voice from inside" who David is meeting with want David to be part of their mission? What's so special about David? Why does David say yes, what is he hoping to gain by doing this? This is your opportunity to make us care about your main character as a person, so try to use that opportunity by showing little details about him or his personality. Maybe he's carrying a cup of coffee. Is he wearing casual clothes or formal clothes? Is he excited to meet with Mr. Vincent? Nervous? Bored? Annoyed? Does he trust him? All of that says a lot about who he is as a person and will help the reader feel connected with him. But I'd say the most important thing to establish is why he is doing this/

One small thing - you never use David's name in the chapter itself, you always just say "he". That gets repetitive and confusing after a while, because it's hard to be sure which person you're referring to. So try to use his name sometimes. Also, I was confused when the lady said a "Mr. Ford" was here. You never said that David's last name is Ford, so it took me a minute to work it out.

And I think that's all I've got for you! Overall, this is a good start, and it seems like you have a lot of interesting ideas here. Good luck, and keep writing!

Thanks for reviewing. I was planning on keeping the flashbacks going on throughout the book. And all the four crew members would also have their POVs in coming chapters. I will probably take some time to post the next chapter since I am busy and wanted to post a new chapter of Reality first.

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54 Reviews

Points: 3205
Reviews: 54

Sat Jun 09, 2018 8:30 pm
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shaniac wrote a review...

Hello, shaniac here to review your piece!

What caught my attention was the title of this piece. It really brings out the main conflict of what is going to happen, probably, later on in this series of chapters. Also, you have a nice idea for a novel. I haven't read a lot of sci-fi novels because it doesn't really appeal to me, but I feel like this one may be one I could enjoy.

I want to point out with when you have a company of some sort, you should capitalize each of the letters in it. For example, with "The International group of astronomers", you would need to capitalize the remaining parts (except for 'the' and 'or'), so it'd look like this: "the International Group of Astronomers". Now, I kind of want some details as to what they are, even though I'm assuming it is kind of like NASA and they go into space and whatnot. If you wanted to go into more detail, maybe you could tell of the accomplishments that this company has gone through.
Along with this, you start off with a captain log beginning. It doesn't feel quite right, I guess. Like, you could just say the past and the date of which Daniel is told about the mission. This is just a small piece of information that you don't have to take into accord, but I figured I'd said it.

There should be more setting placers, like what does the building look like? What does Daniel look like (you might go into more detail as the chapters continue to come out)? All that fun stuff. Also, when you have a Mr or Mrs, be sure to put a period afterward like Mr. and Mrs.

I kind of want more action between Mr. Vincent and Daniel. Because the dialogue is just one quick thing, asking if Daniel was willing to be apart of the journey and then it goes into present time, which shows Daniel in space with the rest of his gang, showing that he did end up accepting the offer. But in any case, it'll definitely round out the characters if you were to do that.

The ending kind of is a loose cliffhanger. I'm excited to see what will happen to the gang and Daniel, but I have a gut feeling that it will just end in possible trouble, or maybe they will just go back in time like Mr. Vincent had mentioned beforehand.

To cap, you have a really neat idea for a novel. I think you could look into trying to round out the characters a bit more and presenting the plot better, as well. I can't wait to see what will happen! Have a good day/night and if you have any questions, let me know!

Thanks for reading :)

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67 Reviews

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Sat Jun 09, 2018 1:12 pm
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Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher