Confrontation
Moonlight shone down on the unending highway as a wander among men sped down it’s darkened pathway, his eyes burning in anger. He hoped that it wouldn’t have to come to this. That this series of unfortunate events would have to end with such a violent climax. But drastic times called for drastic measures, and this was never more true than now.
As Shane continued to speed down the asphalt strip, the engine of his vehicle grew louder, Shane pressuring his foot to the gas pedal and feeling its hunger within the body. The speedometer eased to the sixty MPH point as the driver’s foot came to rest and his right hand eased towards his coffee mug to take another swig.
Just after setting his mug back into its cup-holder, the sound of light chip-tune music began to ring out in the vehicle while the man’s pocket began to vibrate and flash a full spectrum of colors. Shane’s hand darted for his cell phone as he quickly flipped open to see the screen and the blank section where the caller ID should’ve been. Good. Thought the driver as the ringing continued to fill the automobile. The cardboard cup found its way back into the holder beneath the radio. A smirk eased across Shane’s lips while a low grunt bounded from his throat. He’s finally calling. I’ve held up my end of the bargain. Let’s see if you’ll hold up yours...
With a quick press of the thumb, Shane answered the device, his index finger tapping another switch before placing beneath the dash. “Hello?” asked the man in the driver’s seat.
“Ah, Shane!” came the reply of an overly-exuberant caller. “And I thought that you wouldn’t accept my call.”
“Oh come on, you know me.” Shane replied. “I never miss an opportunity for anything important.” His eyes were ever searching, looking for the pathway that his informant had said would lead him to his destination.
“Well, it’s a good thing that you didn’t!” Shane’s eyes were filled with the continuous stretch of the highway, swapping only to the phone on his dash within his confined area. “Katie would be simply be heartbroken if she found out her daddy couldn’t make it to her party!”
“Don’t you dare talk about my daughter in front of me!” Shane ordered at the phone, thinking that the man on the receiving end was there in the car with him. “And I swear if you’ve laid even a finger on her...”
“Oh, calm down Shane!” replied the man with the most cheerful of tones. “She’s in the living room with one of those Japanese movies on. It’s simply marvelous. I think I might have to see it for myself.”
“Just tell me where you are before I-”
“Alright, alright, Shane. Honestly, I don’t know how your coworkers put up with you every day at... where did you say you worked?” There was a brief silence in the vehicle. “Ah, that’s right! Florence’s Floral Emporium! I’m surprised that you haven’t lost your job with that temper of yours.”
“Would you just-” For a brief moment, Shane’s eyes closed as a deep breath of oxygen filled his lungs to prevent him from putting a crack in his windshield. “Just tell me where you are so we can get this over with.”
Shane was met with a high pitched whine in response. Almost like a child in nature. “Oh, fine, if you want to take the fun out of it. Just follow the next exit on your left and you’ll come to a nice little business complex. You’ll find my car in the parking lot.”
“But, how will know which building you’re in?” Shane asked, desperately trying to mask his anger.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ll find out. Ta-ta, Shane!”
“Wait, don’t you-!” was all the man could say before directions to his rendezvous were replaced with the dull tone of a phone gone off the line.
Shane’s hand slammed into the display of the radio before it lingered back to the it’s position on the steering wheel.
He always does this! thought Shane as his eyes turned to slits and his smile turned to a grimace. Is this some kind of sick game to him? Does he think that I enjoy his daily taunting with my kid standing right next to him?!
In his rage, Shane’s foot began to push down onto the gas pedal. The engine roared louder as the pressure increased. The dim lights were practically non-existent at this point, disappearing just a quickly as they arrived.
The driver’s pupils darted toward the right side of the highway. White bone glimmered in the limited light of the highway lights and the moon high above. A twisted cackling began to resound throughout the steel body of the car, just under the volume of the radio news-cast that had been playing.
“Well, not this time.” Shane spoke to himself as the exit to his destination grew nearer. Instinctively, his foot pressured the gas pedal even further as the car only continued to accelerate. “This time, I win this game. This time, you lose!” The driver’s cackling grew louder as his vehicle only grew faster. Shane had had enough. He had lost his child, almost gotten himself blown up, lost his wife, and even watched the entrails of some poor drone drain from his body just to get where he was now. This time, there would be no lies. This time, there would be no forgiveness. This time, there would only be blood.
Shane, without a second thought or a second to waste, whipped the steering wheel to the right, barely making the exit ramp off the highway where he and his adversary would finally meet. Centering the wheel, the car began to return to a cruise; back to a sluggish pace where the man would meet his eventual victim.
As Shane continued down the road, he began to think of how he and his masked marauder would meet. Would they have a nice chat and work out their deal? Or would he simply spill out his brains and break his skull? He didn’t care. He was simply ready for this to be over.
Fifty feet ahead, Shane spotted a lone building. the tower was but a over-built cube, and a sign reading “To be condemned” protruded from it’s lawn. But what in particular caught Shane’s eye was a lone black van parked at the front entrance. Instantly, Shane swerved into the lot as well, his manic smile still plastered on his face. Putting the car in park, Shane unbuckled his seat-belt and dimmed his headlights. Before opening the car door, however, Shane reached over to the passenger glove box to gather an lone item from its contents.
Clasping the release and opening the door, Shane let a multitude of scattered papers fall to the floor as his hand slithered through the compartment. The muscles in his arms tensed with surprise, a satisfied grin following in his revelation. With his grip on the item, Shane slowly pulled from the glovebox his trademark gun; the weapon he had since his father had been murdered.
Releasing the magazine, Shane looked over its contents. A full magazine, ready and eager to be used.
Alright, whoever you. Shane spoke to himself, ecstatic to meet the man within the shadows. Let’s make this meeting short, now, shall we?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey there Way!
Starleene here!
I have come like you requested I just hope you know what you’re getting yourself into!
“Moonlight shone down on the unending highway as a wander among men sped down it’s darkened pathway”
“Wander(er). I feel like there should be a comma after “highway” but honestly I could be wrong. Regardless, I loved the hook. It was eyes catching and engaging. Wonderful start!
“ He hoped that it wouldn’t have to come to this. That this series of unfortunate events would have to end with such a violent climax.”
A semi colon should replace the period after “this,” lowercase (T). This is great. It alerts the reader to not only the current conflict but possibly a previous conflict as well. Interesting.
“…louder, Shane pressuring his foot”
I feel like something’s missing. It almost feels like Shane is peer-pressuring his foot into pressing the gas, which is probably not the effect you were going for. Maybe you could revise it slightly?
“… man’s pocket began to vibrate”
You already introduced us to who “the man” is, you don’t have to elude any longer. He, Him, Shane are fine things to call him. But “the man” seems impersonal, like we haven’t been introduced yet.
“The cardboard cup found its way back into the holder”
I think you may have mixed up events here because I believe that your MC has already put the cup down before he had to answer the call. This seems small but it really does throw the reader off. See what you can do to fix this, yes?
“…a low grunt bounded from his throat.”
“Grunt rumbled…?” I think that this sounds more masculine and dark. It fits the scene a lot better than what you’ve written down.
Just a general thought, not connected to any of the quotes around here but , I think that it’ll be a good idea if you separate the thoughts of the MC from the rest of the paragraph, it’ll read better.
“tapping another switch before placing beneath the dash.”
Is there a word missing here? Maybe you should consider adding “it” between “placing” and “beneath.” I’m pretty sure I haven’t missed anything so what is the MC placing under his dash?
“I never miss an opportunity for anything important.”
This dialogue seems weird when you add “anything important.” You might consider changing it to “to talk to you,” or something along those lines. I can tell that Shane feels animosity towards this person so I feel this would be a much better option for you to choose.
“Katie would be simply be heartbroken if she found out her daddy couldn’t make it to her party!”
I’m sure you realize the mistake in this sentence but if not I’ll point it out to you. You have added two “be’s” to your sentence here. You can fix it by taking out either “be.”
“Shane ordered at the phone, thinking that the man on the receiving end was there in the car with him.”
This would be more prominent if you ex the “at the phone” shenanigans but also change “thinking the” to “wishing the.” That way we can feel the full impact of his desire to kill this guy.
“It’s simply marvelous.”
Marvellous is spelled incorrectly
“how your coworkers put up with you every day at”
“Co-workers” should be separated by a hyphen. Also, I really enjoy the reality you give this mysterious character over the phone, his inflection Is immaculate. I love it.
“ Shane’s eyes closed as a deep breath of oxygen filled his lungs to prevent him from putting a crack in his windshield.”
I have a line that might suit your story’s’ mood a little better than what you have here “Shane’s eyes relaxed as he allowed a deep breath to calm him.” You could probably afford to lose the macho man act with the whole windshield thing, which seems over the top.
“But, how will know which building you’re in?”
You forgot to add an (I) between “will” and “which.”
“Shane asked, desperately trying to mask his anger.”
Maybe you could consider writing “impatience” instead of “anger.” You’ve already mentioned that the mystery man has some child-like qualities so it wouldn’t be so farfetched that Shanes impatient rather than angered.
“…was all the man could say before directions”
Shane has a name and I’m sure he would appreciate it if you used it ;D
“…to his rendezvous were replaced with the dull tone of a phone gone off the line.”
It would sound better if you traded “tone phone gone off the line” with “the dull dial tone.” It makes the line come more alive, don’t you think?
“…before it lingered back to the it’s position on the steering wheel.”
To start with, if I were mad I wouldn’t be lingering nothing. I would be slamming stuff left and right and I’m pretty sure it would be double for Shane. Secondly, you used the wrong form if “it,” it should be “its.”
“…disappearing just a quickly as they arrived.”
You have a slight typo here, you forgot the (s).
“White bone glimmered in the limited light…”
I’m not sure what you mean by white bone and why is it glimmering?
“Well, not this time.” Shane spoke to himself as the exit to his destination grew nearer. Instinctively, his foot pressured the gas pedal even further as the car only continued to accelerate. “This time, I win this game. This time, you lose!” The driver’s cackling grew louder as his vehicle only grew faster. Shane had had enough. He had lost his child, almost gotten himself blown up, lost his wife, and even watched the entrails of some poor drone drain from his body just to get where he was now. This time, there would be no lies. This time, there would be no forgiveness. This time, there would only be blood.”
Love, Love, love this monologue and I could feel the vengeance emanating from Shane; it as almost a palpable thing. Amazing the amount of energy you can add to piece with just the right words, these are definitely the right words!
“…where the man would meet his eventual victim.”
I feel like you repeated yourself a lot in this sentence. I think you should ditch the whole “sluggish pace” half of it.
“ Or would he simply spill out his brains and break his skull?”
You have to break the skull before you can get to the brains. Unless you went all Egyptian on his butt, then you can have all the brains you want!
“He was simply ready for this to be over.”
Drop the “simply” you already used it in the sentence before this.
“… the tower was but a over-built cube, and a sign reading “To be condemned” protruded from it’s lawn.”
Capitalize the (t) in “The;” And again, you used the wrong form of “it.” In this case it should be “its.”
But what in particular caught Shane’s eye was a lone black van parked at the front entrance. Instantly, Shane swerved into the lot as well, his manic smile still plastered on his face. Putting the car in park, Shane unbuckled his seat-belt and dimmed his headlights. Before opening the car door, however, Shane reached over to the passenger glove box to gather an lone item from its contents.
“The muscles in his arms tensed with surprise, a satisfied grin following in his revelation.”
Why is he surprised? Didn’t he put the gun there? Wasn’t that what he was reaching for?
“…over its contents. A full magazine, ready and eager to be used.”
Semi colon after “contents,” and don’t capitalize the (a) in “a.”
All in all I was surprised I liked it as much as I did! It had a captivating story and it was really to understand. You had a clear view of what you wanted to accomplish and I think you did it very well. You just have a couple bugs to work out and then I think you’re set! I really enjoyed this and can’t wait to review the next one!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out!
1. Your plot is excellent.
Plot is most often about a conflict or struggle that the main character goes through--it was clearly shown in your piece. The conflict can be with another character, or with the way things are, or with something inside the character, like needs or feelings--not everyone understands this part of writing. You understand it very well.
The main character should win or lose at least partly on their own, and not just be rescued by someone or something else. Most often, the character learns or grows as they try to solve their problem. What the character learns is the theme. We haven't gotten to exactly what he learns, but we get snapshots of what will come next. I like that.
The conflict should get more and more tense or exciting. The tension should reach a high point or “climax” near the end of the story, then ease off. You did that perfectly!!! The conflict was just epic!
You nailed the plot.
2. Your story structure is excellent.
At the beginning, jump right into the action. At the end, wind up the story quickly. You accomplished that.
3. Style and Tone was very nicely done.
You use language that feels right for your story.
Wherever you can, use actions and speech to let readers know what’s happening. Show, don’t tell.
You don’t have to write fancy to write well. It almost never hurts to use simple words and simple sentences. That way, your writing is easy to read and understand. You did an excellent job of this.
Always use the best possible word—the one that is closest to your meaning, sounds best, and creates the clearest image. If you can’t think of the right one, use a thesaurus. That's my best advice.
Carefully check each word, phrase, sentence, and paragraph. Is it the best you can write? Is it in the right place? Do you need it at all? If not, take it out!
Great job!!!
I thought this was a very exciting story. It takes skill to tell a story where the only anecdote is a man driving a car, and still be exciting.
That being said, there were times when the wording was awkward. This broke the suspense and made it seem 'patchy'
Id advise reading it over and over and over again until you can't even look at it.
Thats how I trim the fat of my writing.
Overall I liked it alot and wish that you would expand on it, revealing what led shane here, what happened to his dad and who the culprit is.