Published August 18, 2011
The ground nearly shakes,
Full of a crowd's anticipation,
Bursting, rippling, repelling out,
Ready for their son to come home.
The clouds darken.
Crows scavenge the dead crowd.
Whispers, murmurs, rumors
of a tragic event
wash over the crowd.
Everyone turns away.
No one looks at the rain.
Bombs drop on heads
and heads fill with lead
as the son refuses to return home.
Forward through time.
Dust conquering all.
Ground hungry, devouring, starving.
No one left to remember,
remember, remember the son
whom is to thank for how
our new world begun.
Poem I wrote in class. Got bored of writing my story, so I wrote some appocalyptic poetry. Hope you enjoyed.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,449 Literary Works • 674,460 Reviews
I liked it! You caught me at the begining, and then talk about a mood swing! And then you got really violent! I was like "Holy cow!"(Excuse my weird way of telling you i liked it!)
At the begining, I think you used the word "crowd" to often, but other than that, good choice of words! Overall, really good job!
Keep writing!
Hi there!
All my comments and such are in red:
Good job! Keep writing!
Hmm... This poem confused me. I got it at first but then at the end not so much. Criticism... I have a little bit:
I understood this I just didn't like how you repeated the word crowd. Maybe something like bystanders? or maybe people? Not important but yeah... every little thing helps!You didn't make the poem rhyme and then this suddenly does which is a little bit weird and sudden.
Why did you put remember down three times in a row?
Apart from that it was really good. My fave verse was:
You showed just how excited everyone was in such a great way! I loved that. It also made me really interested in what would happen next! Keep writing and I hope this comment helped!
Deanie x
i Didnt Really Get It But i Got It At The Same time bit confused But i loved this part Everyone turns away.
No one looks at the rain.
Bombs drop on heads
and heads fill with lead
as the son refuses to return home.
Forward through time.
Dust conquering all.
Ground hungry, devouring, starving.
No one left to remember,
remember, remember the son
whom is to thank for how
our new world begun.