Published May 10, 2010
We are too in sickness to express ourselves
The time has surpassed 7.54am,
In fact it’s 11:34am
And I still cannot submit my literary work
My life is over
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141,411 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
My first impression was that this was really short. It's not a bad thing, but it made me go back through and reread it several times, and I found upon rereading that I didn't much like what little there was. Since this poem is so short, It'll be easier to just go through line-by-line.
This line just reads awkwardly and pretentiously. It is also very vague, which, since this is the first line, isn't a bad thing. However, you don't go in depth and explain what the sickness is or what expression it is inhibiting.
"Surpassed" is misused. Also, your punctuation is a bit lacking. I'm also left wondering what relationship the time has to the first line.
Why couldn't you just say it was 11:34 am in the first place? As-is, this line strikes me as completely superfluous.
And this is related to the rest of the poem how?
Melodramatic. Also, vague. Why does being unable to submit your work lead to your life being over? A bit more explanation would be nice.
Overall, you need to connect the ideas in this poem better. Right now, there is very little connection which left me going "What was the point of this?" Showing how each of the ideas are related to each other will help, or cutting down on the ideas you present.
Hi,
This was nice and different.
I'd look at the tone because you're switching between different registers. I'd change "in sickness" to "sick" and "the time has surpassed" to "it is past" or "the time is...past 7.54am."
I'd put a full-stop at the end of the first line, dashes after 7.54am and 11.34am, an exclamation mark after "work" and a full-stop after "over." I think I'd also isolate this last line as it would make it more effective.
You should take a look at Frank O'Hara's poetry. I think you'd like his way of writing.
Hope this helps.
Jas