Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Looking around, I was shaken in fear as I saw no way out, only unavoidable death. While creatures of all shapes and sizes surround me with glares of darkness. Knowing that running was no hope, I stood my ground trying to act as if I wasn't worried or scared to die. Jerking me from behind with talons of agonizing despair, the voice of reason and my dreams urged me forward. Out of fear, I raced ahead as hard as I could. Yet, all that I could see was the darkness and those deadly red eyes hidden behind it. Right when I started to realize that there was no hope; I
was abruptly stopped in my steps by an unknown force. Understanding, that my life was about to be over and that this was the end of me. I screamed until I could hear the echo, in the darkest and quietest parts of my soul.
Bursting awake, drenching in the sweat of a thousand bodybuilders, Still screaming from the horrid dream I had just awoken from. Frantically, looking around I realized that it was all over and that I was safe; suddenly I heard a voice from downstairs yelling for my attention.
“Franklin, hurry up, we have to get going before the bus leaves,” yelled Jessie.
Flicking my sky blue eyes over at the clock that rested on my nightstand, I thought to myself, Oh shit, it’s a quarter after seven; I’m going to be late. Jumping out of my covers I ran to my wardrobe that stood across the room. Swinging open the doors of the wardrobe, I grabbed my black t-shirt and my dark blue jeans.
I quickly stumbled into my clothes, while trying to run to the bathroom that was down the hall. Stopping in front of the mirror, I zipped up my jeans and rolled up my socks. While reaching for my toothbrush I realized that I did not have time, so I frantically put on some deodorant and a bit of cologne. I slipped on my shoes and ran down the stairs jumping down the last two steps.
Stopping in front of the door I slowly turned around to see Jessie; my eyes slowly climbing over her snow pale skin as I thought of how fresh snow was no match to her beauty.
“Good Morning Franklin” she whispered in a soft angelic tone, as she looked into my eyes with wonder and beauty.
Struggling to find my words I smiled and whispered, “Thank you for waiting, but we should most likely get going.”
“I guess you’re right,” replied Jessie.
As we ran to the bus stop all I could think about was how I was going to tell Jessie about my true feelings. She was like my sister, but I had always had feelings for her that were stronger than they should have been. No matter how much I tried to hide them or throw them away they always came back.
“ Franklin, you getting on or not?” asked Jessie in a puzzled tone.
“ Oh, sorry I was in the middle of daydreaming,” I quietly replied.
Walking over to the door of the bus, I started to feel my face turn cherry red with embarrassment. So I quickly grabbed the railing and climbed up the steps so I could show the driver my I.D and take my seat.
However, when I went to take a seat I was confused because Jessie was heading to the back of the bus. When we took our seats I slowly asked, “Jessie, why are we sitting back here, I thought you said it smells like rotten feet and burnt rubber.”
She slowly looked down at the bus floor and looked back up at me as if she was staring at a ghost. “Franklin, I have some bad news,” asked Jessie in a disturbed, yet innocent tone. Realizing that she was truly scared, I carefully grabbed her hand, “Jessie no matter what's wrong, I will be there for you.”
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128,980 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Hello, there!
I'll jump right into the critique. The first thing that I have to say is that a lot of your sentences are just fragments. Now, I totally understand having a sentence fragment or two thrown into there for effect, but this really messes with the flow of the story. It all seems incomplete and jumpy that I can't focus and be super engaged.
Here is an example:
Here, you have three independent clauses, or phrases of a sentence that can't stand alone, all hooked together. And you have this nice thought going, but then the next sentence pulls me away again, without this one in completion. You should say something along the lines of "Bursting away, I was drenched in sweat, still screaming..." That way we have a complete thought and the story has a little better flow.
Now, another thing is that things seem to be jumping all over the place. Like, he just had this terrifying dream, but he totally disregards it? And then suddenly starts thinking about how pretty this girl is. It seems like such a strange jump, going from this pure fear you tried to invoke to suddenly a cliche "I like her, we've be friends forever and I don't know how to tell her how I feel." Perhaps try to slow that down a little. Because, we do need a strong start to a story, and this dream could foreshadow anything bad, but really have us learn about your characters and learn about his feelings through their interactions rather than the narrator telling us, straight up.
One final thing that I'll touch on is that the dialogue seems really, really flat. There isn't any characteristics to really try and characterize how your characters act. There isn't any emotion behind it to show that Franklin likes Jessie. I would have never known had he not said it in the narration. Think about this. If you read this aloud, does it sound natural? Does the dialogue roll of the tongue?
Sorry about how brisk this is. If you need any clarification, please just ask. Happy writing,
~Wolfare
Hello there! Happy review day. Well, I am here, obviously, for a review. I am not really a die hard fan of romantic novels but well, I wanna give this a try. So, here I go!
At first glance, I see that everything is in bold. Why is that? I mean, there's no reason to do anything as such! Also it also doesn't look too attractive.
Let's start the nitpicks.
A comma after the word "around".
You don't need a comma there. It is wrong!
There is no need to put a semicolon there.
The comma has simply changed the entire meaning of your sentence. You really don't need it there.
I really won't nitpick anymore. The punctuation errors are there and they are kinda too many for me to correct. I really hope you can improve on your structure and punctuation in your forthcoming chapters.
Other than that, it was a really good idea to write this novel. The title was pretty amazing too. I hope to read more of your stuff soon. Keep writing. Keep up the good work.
Thankyou for your nitpicks and comments. I wouldn't mind if you would message me or comment the rest of my punctuation errors.
WHA! Why did you stop at such an intimate moment!? YOU sir/madam, are one wily individual. In any event I am here to offer a (presumably) not very great review.
And so, here we go.
The good:
Such description! Pretty much everything Franklin did was described with detail, which makes a wonderful contrast to the dream sequence in the beginning, which I can only described it as expressed with (for lack of a better term) emotion and imagery rather than actual detail (description of area he is in, detail description of creatures and so on).
Though I am curious as to what the nightmares looked like, as I am personally very interested in monsters and other such beasts, be it majestic or nightmarish.
The bad? :
The only thing I can come up with is that the pacing might be a little slow. This can possibly happen if one decides to describe every action and detail a character does in excruciating detail, forcing the speed of the store to take a nose dive, and although I don’t feel that it is happening here (as it feels nice and balanced) it is something to keep in mind.
Nitpick: Feel free to ignore this entirely but the line “ drenching in the sweat of a thousand bodybuilders” just rubs me the wrong way for some reason and makes me feel……unsanitary.
*shivers*
Final words:
All in all I rather enjoyed this little read and would like continue to see a sweet relationship between Jessie and Franklin. In the end, thank you for this tasty treat, so please write more.
I honestly agree with the line "drenching in the sweat of a thousand bodybuilders" being very unsanitary. If you wouldn't mind commenting or sending me something else to put in that line, I would be very thankful.
I definitely look forward to your story, and would love a notification when you publish the next chapter. I love the perfect cliffhanger too, great job. I see a dead relative or I'm dying kind of conversation coming up. I really look forward to your next chapter and hope to see it soon. Starting out with action, ending with a cliffhanger leading up to a traumatic conversation. You started out your first chapter perfectly, good job.
Now we see eye to eye on the way I structured this chapter. I was trying to build up some energy at the beginning and end with people feeling dry, yet excited for the next chapter.