Published March 5, 2012
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I don't want to be too hard on this poem because you're obviously are going through a rough time, and I know how that feels so
This is a common theme amoung teenagers which is fine, writing I find is a great way to get your feelings out; I know I feel so much better once I write. The best thing about poetry is you can make it ANY way you want and it really can't technically be wrong.
So maybe just because the kinda of cliche rhymes, I'm kind of put off by the poem, so the first thing I do when I know I'm going to write a poem that's going to rhyme; i get rhyme.com up in my sidebar immediatly.This allows you to find a diversity of new words that you wouldn't have thought rhymed! This helps make your rhymes sound different and make people appreciate them more.
Ermm Your spelling is generally fine, although along with concentrate you also mispelled penetration; so that's good- no major problems there at all.
Your layout of the poem was good- I like the couplet at the end- nice touch. Um I think I'll leave you with that for now...
Also just to let you know if your really struggling with cutting, asking for help is always the first step and I'm always here to talk, because I've been through those same things.
So with that I will bid you goodnight and I hope you continue to write!
Thanks for the feedback! I used to struggle, but now I find it much less painful to write it out in the form of poetry. I will use that website in my next poem, thanks for that. Again, thanks for the feedback! ^.^
Wow! This was really good! It sounds a lot like you were quite upset and angry and frustrated and let that all out in the form of this poem. Yes, I must confess that it is a little raw, but still very good. Oh, and just to quickly notify you, I think you made a spelling error in your fourth stanza, first line with 'consentrait'...I think you mean 'concentrate'. And also, you're not really meant to start every line with a capital letter...that's okay though, I always used to do that with my poems as well. Oh, and one more thing, you didn't really have any commas or full stops...but that's kind of acceptable in poems (I guess) since it might've been done intentionally. Sorry, I'm not too good at deconstructing poems and I must admit that this review probably won't be the best one you've ever received. :/
Well, besides all that, I didn't really spot any other grammatical errors but that might've been because I read through it pretty fast. Who knows, maybe another reviewer can point out things I overlooked or didn't notice. Overall though, I would have to say this was a great poem. It was really emotional and even though you used a tad bit more repetition than preferred (well, according to my taste anyway), I really, really liked it!
P.s-Forgot to quickly mention that there were some bits where I think you might've 'forced' a few words in just to make each verse rhyme. But that's fine because I also used to do that. Wow, now that I think about it, I used to do a lot of the things that you might've stumbled on a bit in your poem.
So anyway, good luck writing and I hope to come across more of your works later on in the future!
Thanks for the feedback, I will definetly use it in my next poem! ^.^