The Sun Children V - The Princess' Crown - Chapter One

I aprpeciate there is still work to be done, so only really criticise those bits that really need it, but please, evaluation of characters and plot would be more than appreciated.

Chapter One

 

The Red Sunrise

 

Of the Descendants:

 

A small crooked overhanging house within a long narrow street in an old city was host to a curious moment, for through the passing of a red sunrise a child had been born within its walls.

 

“You do realise who she is, don’t you Emlyn” said Sharlon. He hung over his newborn daughter wrapped in a cloth in her mother’s arms, his scruffy and blood covered under-armour clothing falling about as he leant over.

He was a tall man whose black hair brushed up either side of his bristly chin; it tickled his wife as he kissed her.

 

Sharlon looked at his new daughter’s hair which consisted of a few amber coloured strands hanging down and laying atop her cheeks. She was a curious child, both of her parents were of dark hair and no one had had such hair for five centuries. But both Emlyn and Sharlon knew this, they knew that their child was the feared one yet her face was of pure innocence and peace.

 

“She’s beautiful”

 

“Yes, she is, what should we call her? She is no ordinary child”

Sharlon asked, turning to face her husband with her green eyes.

 

“I think it should reflect who she is, being born this day, being the cause of the new age, she is no royal as those who came before were, but she shall walk as one, some day.”

Emlyn proudly stroked her sleeping daughter’s cheek and her husband sat next to her on the bed and hugged her as she held their child.

 

Outside everyone gathered in the streets witnessing the cracking red sun as its ferocity could almost be heard in the ears. Its fiery swirling was like leaping dolphins in a vast ocean of fire and the heat was greater than it had been the day before.

 

“We’ll call her Ember, for as a sun child that is her nature”

 

“You realise she can never go out into the world, the king and his army will be looking for her, if they find her, Emlyn, she will die” 

 

Two Years Later:

The Second Year of the Fifth Age

 

It was then upon a cold day of grey skies and rain there was much blood shed in the ruins of a once grand city that lay in a cloud of fog.

 

“Run Sharlon! We need to get clear of the causeway or we’ll be taken down by our own arrows!” shouted a lightly armoured soldier. He looked behind him to see a horde of Calamhian soldiers crossing over the great bridge. Their silver armour shone and their drenched purple cloaks flew as they were caught in the cross-river winds over the bridge they ran upon.

 

“Quick, get behind the barricades!”

 

“What about the others!?”

 

“We can’t help them, come, we must get behind the archers!”  

 

The two friends dived behind piles of stone where they then got up and watched more of their comrades get slaughtered upon the enemy blades by the rushing silver and purple force. They appeared from the bridge under a grand tower in the fog, its top could not be seen through the cloud yet it still cast a shadow over wet ground.

 

It was then too late to let any more allies through when the enemy got too close. The archers behind the barricades emitted a volley of arrows over the first level of the city and into the Calamihans and brought many down, tripping up those behind them who then succumb to a second wave of raining death. However this did not stop them and the swarm of swordsmen continued on over their fallen allies. Across the river a hail storm of arrows flew from the fog and pierced the armour of many behind the barricades.

 

“Men of Arzuria, upon your blades the enemy will fall, their forces shall break the first level and reach us and when that happens we must stand strong. We have been ordered to our death by our king, his longing to see the sun child dead has taken us this far and now we look across the river into the lands where they breathe!”

 

A great General shouted these words to a unit of swordsmen waiting behind the archers, braced for attack in the pouring rain.

 

“Father, we will not win this war, will we?” a soldier asked they who stood besides them.

 

“King Karanar has lead us to death once in the first year of this age, I’ve no doubt he’ll do it again” he replied. His son looked nervously around him at the other soldiers shivering in the wet gale.

 

“What are Sharlon and Enarhin doing!?” he asked, his eyes followed the two men trampling through the rain.

 

“I thought you wanted to see Sharlon dead, I thought you hadn’t spoken since…never mind. Focus not on what is not here, but instead concentrate on what is before us”

 

“…But before us is death!”

 

The two friends swerved clear of their allies as not to be seen and clambered over old stone to then sit upon rocks inside shelter amidst the ruins of an old lofty tower that was on the verge of collapsing.

 

“Fire! Fire onto the bridge!” ordered the lead archer. The whirring of many arrows launching into the sky was then followed by the clanging of metal and the screams of many who fell.

 

“Come out you cowards! The king has ordered that you give your lives to defend Danalavonia, you are needed on the fron…” a booming voice was cut down by an arrow that came across the river, he fell and his helmet rolled into view of Sharlon’s eyes.

 

“We should get back to battle, we need to hold off our southern lands” Enarhin insisted.

 

“What’s the point?” Sharlon argued.

 

“The point!? The point is that the sun child is in Calamiha! The one person who our country fears more than any, she is in the lands we see through the fog!”

 

“No, no she isn’t.”  Sharlon whispered. His remark made Enarhin recoil in confusion.

 

Sharlon closed his eyes and saw his wife at home in Arzutare with his two daughters, the second who was born before the current war, cuddled by a fire, but the fire was not of normal stature. Emlyn watched as its flickering matched that of the pulse in her firstborn’s veins, occasionally the flame seemed to reach out to her as if to bow down to its master.

 

“What do you mean? You know where they are, don’t you? I heard you praying to Riath that they be safe, but I never stopped to think that you might actually know of their whereabouts”

 

“They’ve broken the first level; the time has come for Arzuria to rule under these skies once more!” the general shouted outside before he then went on to lead a chant in the old Arinalgarin language that was hence repeated by his men. Only the father of the young resenting soldier remained silent for he refused to say such words which said,

 

“Unto the death of the sun child banners rise and this country shall be victorious under a black dawn!”

 

It was then that a horn blew and the soldiers ran forth into the Calamihans, a thunderous sound of clashing metal erupted into the air and shouts and cries were endless. Further units of Arzurian soldiers poured in from the curved flooded streets and impaled the enemy from both sides.

 

            “I have to end this war, I have to save the ones I love!” Sharlon declared and he took off most of his armour so that he only again wore his blood stained under armour clothes.

 

            “Where is the sun child!?” Enarhin asked again.

 

            “I’m sorry!” Sharlon mumbled and he then ran from where the two sat. Out into the opposite side of the city where he ran amongst marching soldiers headed for the front line. Enarhin followed him with vengeance brewing inside him.

 

            “You will tell me where the child is, they who have caused my friends to die!” he yelled, but was pushed aside by the passing army.

 

Sharlon made it onto a quieter part of the first level of the city and looked up at the fog hidden bridge and the ancient tower upon its centre. He then ran past many houses and up stone stairs onto the causeway. He was now behind the enemy but he looked behind and saw his old friend still chasing after him.

 

The young soldier and his father now fought nearer the causeway, holding off the Calamihans with desperation.

 

            “Sharlon knows where the sun child is! He’s heading into Byana to find them!” Enarhin shouted and only the son of the father in the engaged unit heard his cry. It seemed that now he had Sharlon right where he wanted him. He and Enarhin walked towards Sharlon upon the bridge and through the fog saw the rain shining upon the armour of enemy archers. He was trapped.

 

            “You already stole my love from me Sharlon. Now you keep the sun child from me too?” he spoke harshly with his teeth grinded.

 

            “Its time for traitors to die!” Enarhin said.

 

            “Then I die knowing they lay far away from your barbarism!  Far away from your hands! She is safe!” Sharlon argued defensively.

 

            He then felt something run through him,. There then came a cold pain, and then a warmer one as his clothing became red with blood and a grave stab wound went all the way through him. Whether it were an arrow from the enemy archers or a blade from those who used to be his friends he did not have time to know. He fell into dirty waters upon the bridge in the rain whilst so many died nearby, his blood flowed into theirs.

He never got to see Ember grow up, or her younger sister, Sharla. He had been fighting a war to hunt and kill his own firstborn when he knew perfectly well she was safe at home, hidden in the city that wanted her dead. He never wanted to fight, but it was a matter of conscription that took him to a battle which would see his demise.

 

His daughter Ember was the sun child, the one who was born upon the fifth red dawn which brought the fifth age. History has spoken of the sun children as those in the days of history who reigned under black skies and dark waters, breathed air of great heat and walked upon a ground of ashes. They were the most feared power in the history of the world and could dissipate an entire country if they so wished.

 

Two years into the fifth age the war consumed the southern lands in death and still no sun child was known to exist to anyone apart from their mother and little sister, and it was to be that way for another fifteen long years.

 

Of The Fire Princess:

 

 The Seventeenth Year of the Fifth Age

 

            “Em, Ember come on wake up!” shouted a soft voice from across the room. The duvet covered body of a teenage girl laid curled up in bed, her fiery orange hair flared out down her half covered shoulders, her fringe lying upon her freckles, defining her elegant cheek bones on either side of her sleepy face. Slowly she began to wake up, tiredly groaning, revealing her piercing green eyes; she rubbed them with her thin fingered hand before the curtains were slashed open, blasting infernal morning sunlight into the grey walled room that also shone out over the impoverished city of Arzutare.

 

The amber haired girl then came timidly and slowly down the dark wood creaking stairs that morning, the old house was dimly lit in the morning sun, and slits of light stretched through the chipped front door, dust floated about in the beams, adding an ancient look to already torn and faded wallpaper. The smell of old wood filled every room as the timbers in the roof drooped slightly in their length across the rooms. A few cobwebs hung on the ceiling and around the rusty wall mounted candle holders, a slight cold breeze went through the house, causing the girl to shiver.

 

Ember’s hair was now in a pony tail, held up by a ring of diamond shaped plates locked over the tops of each other, the top of her ponytail was spiking outwards rather messily at the top before falling softly down her back, she wore a dark crimson sleeved dress with Umrian style swirls sewn into it, parting at the front revealing the under layer which moved swiftly just above the creaking floor boards.

 

“Mother? Mother why did you call me?” she cried.

 

She had almost reached the end of the entrance hall when her sixteen year old sister swung out of the doorway before her; she had obviously heard the footsteps and hurried out to greet her.

 

 “Ember, you’re finally up!” she shouted with a cheeky smile spreading across her equally freckled

face, her hair was long and black with the slightest streaks of brown showing which was always a mystery to her parents. She had the same green eyes as Ember and held a close resemblance to her mother; she was wearing black clothing similar to her sisters, only it had material on the arms.

 

Before Ember had a chance to answer their mother hurriedly but gently nudged the dark haired girl out the doorway, she swept her hair back behind her ears and spoke with dignified elegance.

 

 “Come on you two, up the stairs quick as you like, that ‘being’ from the army will be at our doorstep soon! We don’t want him to stumble across Ember”

 

Ember stared worriedly at her mother,

“The…army? Why are they coming here!? And couldn’t you have told me this when you came up before? It feels a bit like a wasted journey coming all the way down stairs to go back up again”

 

”Oh enough moaning Em. No it’s nothing to worry about; it’s just a man coming to threaten us again no doubt.” Emlyn said comfortingly.

Sharla stood fiddling with a small gold bracelet in her hand, letting it trickle down her palm and into her other hand.

 

“Em, take Shar upstairs, keep her out of trouble and put that away!”

 

Sharla saw her mother’s slightly sarcastic smile and rolled her eyes. She took her big sister’s hand forcefully and pulled at it whilst walking, making her sister unexpectedly fling around with it.

 

“You haven’t been stealing from the market again have you Shar?” Ember asked, gazing at the object in her sister’s free hand.

 

“Em, would I do a thing like that?”

 

“No Shar, we get by living off all the gold we so obviously have.”

 

Ember ran her fingers along torn areas of wallpaper going up the stairs, exposing old cob webbed bricks behind. Once they had reached the narrow landing Ember turned to face her sister to speak.

 

 “Shar, I think we have enough of your stolen items to last us a life time.”

 

“And I’ll keep going…”.

 

Sharla walked passed her sister and into the bedroom doorway.

 

“This city is going to ruins, no one cares what anyone does anymore… especially the festering soldiers apparently keeping guard in the market.” She added.

 

The bedroom consisted of four grey walls, which surrounded the sisters, the white plastered ceiling showed strain in the centre where a wooden beam was coming through, causing the ceiling to crack ever so slightly either side. Two beds were at either ends of the room covered with worn plain white duvets; one against the wall facing the door, the other was a little further along nearer to a window with rotting frames. The room had the slightest scent of burning wax concealed within; it had become faint with the air entering through gaps in the rotting window frames.

The sisters closed the door just as there was a knock at the one at the front of the old house. The girls both looked at each other conspicuously as they heard their mother greet the visitor,

 

 “Morning officer, what is it today, money, my child, oh, how about the will to live in this pathetic city?” she muttered sarcastically, leaning against the door frame.

 

Sharla sat down on Ember’s bed near the window whilst Ember went to the window itself and leant over a cushioned stool and looked out, to try to get a view of the visitor, all she could see was the shiny shoulder plate of their suit of armour. She saw a shadow pass over the ground and looked up to see a small black feathered bird gliding by; she lost trace of it when something bigger caught her attention.

Her gaze was hence stolen by the sun, hanging menacingly in the sky. Its orange entity drifted across her black pupils, the smile from her face went and she was stood there, fixated in a trance, the sun’s surface seemed so close and clear to her, infuriating infernal hurricanes of fire pounding its ancient scarred surface.

All sound around her was muffled, the morning bird songs were mere bleeps of dullness to her ears, and then a voice started to talk.

 

“Em… Em!” it got clearer and clearer until she felt her sister shaking her arm.

            “Ember?”

Sharla called her repeatedly, eventually she broke out of her mindless ways and went and sat down on the bed next to her sister, staying silent, trying to eavesdrop in on the conversation below, Ember’s bed was tidy and made up, unlike Sharla’s which was all a mess, her duvet hanging half off.

 

Emlyn kept a straight face whilst talking to the visitor, he had the insignia of Arzutare painted onto his shoulder plates, and there were silver buckles on the sides of his arms where more heavy armour would usually be fixed. The man was old with a short grey beard and dark blue eyes, dull and resenting eyes to which Emlyn stared at with secret fury.

 

“Now for the main question of which my visit is based… how many people reside within this house, and don’t be difficult on this woman, you’ve given me enough grief as it is in this morning in this toiling armour?” he said, clearing his throat loudly making Emlyn smirk a little. She took an awkward sigh before replying,

 

“Fine then, two live here, myself…and my daughter, Sharla”

 

“That should be all the questions for now. It has come to the army’s attention that the market thief is still at large, if you hear anything you must say…"

 

“I really don’t understand why I have to hide away when ever anyone visits, it’s like I’m not even supposed to be here!” said Ember sadly. She stood up and looked around the room with a mind full of thought, as she turned around the sun shone in her face once again, but she was careful not to keep staring and instead looked about the place of her lifetime confinement.

 

“I’ve been in this house all my life, not able to see the world outside, sometimes I just feel like running away!”

 

“I wish you were allowed out Em, I’d send all those who insulted me at the academy unto you, I could never put them in their place like you could” Sharla replied, smiling at her sister, she pulled Ember’s hand and got her to sit next to her again and rested her head on her big sister’s shoulder.

 

“Thanks?” Ember laughed unsurely.

 

“Though Shar, you’re not as frail as you look, there’s strength and courage and wisdom in you”

 

“I take after you then”

 

Both girls heard their mother raise her voice at the visitor at the door and quickly looked at the bedroom door, then back at each other.

 

“They’ve been here a long time, what do you think they’re talking about…probably about thieves in the market place again?” Ember said, turning sarcastically to face her sister.

 

“Hey, I’ve not taken anything much recently Em”

 

“Makes a change”

 

“Oh be quiet, you may be older than me Em but um…” Sharla slowly reached her hand out to her side, moving along the bed,

 

Ember sighed sarcastically,

“What?”

 

Sharla suddenly tried to fling a pillow into her sister’s face, but Ember quickly swung her arm up to block the soft ambush, causing the pillow to fly from her hand and went straight into her bedside drawers, then falling off onto the floor, bringing one of the shelves down with it which contained a round black box. The box made a huge thud as it hit the floor causing both sisters looked at each other worriedly.

 

            “What was that?” the soldier asked, he began to put his foot in the doorway and tried to enter or at least see what had caused the bang. In a moment of panic Emlyn pushed the man back out of her house and held the door tightly and half closed.

 

            “I’m not letting your kind anywhere near my daughter!” she said viciously

 

Sharla stared at the box, it was about the size of a dinner plate, it had gold hinges and a gold latch with elegant gilded patterns twirling on the sides, on the lid it contained the picture of a glorified sun, with gold patterns swirling in and out of its pointed rays. Sharla bent down to pick it up only for Ember to quickly snap her hand closed on her sister’s wrist.

            “Shar let me.” She requested, picking it up and placing it back on the lower shelf of the draw, hiding the broken one under her bed.

 

The front door slammed shut, making the sisters jump.

“It’s okay girls, they’re gone!” their mother shouted. Sharla stood up first, she heard her mother hurry out of the lounge again and into the hallway,

“Wonderful, after that I’m only going to get Miss Lilion asking what that was about…daft old woman…just stay where you are girls”  she continued to rant.

 

The sound of the front door knocking happened and Emlyn went to open it.

 

“Oh well, I never knew this was coming…Mrs Lilion, how can I help you today?” she asked again with a hint of condescension and patronisation in her voice. The old woman stood at the door, her wrinkled face cringed with a smile, clearer with her white hair tied back down her brown dress.

 

“What was that about dear? Anything I should know? I daren’t say the army is on another exploit to seek out they who have not appeared!” she cackled.

“No Miss Lilion, nothing special, just the usual nonsense, local crime updates, consensus, awkward small talk about the weather, anything else you want to know?”

Seeming disappointed and uninterested, the old woman grunted and waddled away back to her own house next door.

 

“Oh I do despise that nosey old ‘thing’, why can’t the army threaten to conscript her!? There’d be no need for weapons with old Lilion, her voice could kill an enemy quick enough”

Emlyn walked upstairs and into the doorway of the sister’s bedroom to find Sharla resting upon Ember’s shoulder, hanging the necklace from her fingers in the dusty daylight. The proud mother smiled before walking back out and going about her business.

 

Nothing happened for the rest of the day as darkness crept about the streets beyond the old windows. Ember was used to if after seventeen years of the same routine. The night came and both sisters were sat in bed as the dark skies hung overhead.

Sharla’s bed was still all messed up, her duvet creased and lay about in an unrecognisable shape, whilst Ember’s was still neat as she lay relaxed beneath it, a candle by her bedside, she stared at it mercilessly for a minute or two, it seemed to flicker more and more every night she did this. She gave up wondering why and pulled out the black box from her drawers by her bed, unlocked its gold hinges and opened it slowly, the metalwork barely producing a creak. A gold shine lit up Ember’s face, casting yellow strips across her cheeks, eyes and fringe. Twelve years Ember had owned this box, and only once had she opened it and felt the cold touch of that which lay inside. A crown was cushioned inside the box, rather ancient looking with swirls emanating the band that fit around the forehead where stood five points, the tallest in the centre below which was a round blue sapphire that contained a faint spiral inside and within that were words in an ancient language. Beneath the object itself was an equally regal chain hung from side to side to fall down the back of the wearer’s head, the bands which ran along the ears contained a form of ancient forgotten language and Ember stared at it puzzled.

 

Sharla looked across to her sister and saw what she was doing, and then she twisted around and her hair was half brushed down her tired looking eyes.

“Em what is that? It would seem from your reaction earlier that it is dangerous.” She said sleepily.

Ember just stared at the object in silence; Sharla swung her legs out of her duvet and touched them on the floor.

 

“Can...can I have a look?” she asked.

Ember looked at her eventually and nodded

“Ok, but just don’t touch it Sharla”. She saw the reflection of her sister walk up to her side in the crowns shine, she sat on the edge of the bed, sitting almost shoulder to shoulder.

 

“Where did you get that? It’s not something I smuggled behind these doors?” she asked.

“I was given it on my fifth birthday, I haven’t looked at it since that night and I’m not afraid to tell   you why”

“Ok, so what happened?” Sharla enquired.

 

Ember took a long breath before eventually replying,

“On the night I first touched this, something happened…and I still don’t know what it was, it felt like a shock of a kind, it sent a shiver all over myself and I felt an immense burning pain go all through me, I suddenly felt more alert than usual. I am afraid to touch it because I’ve never felt pain like it before or since...so that’s why I don’t want you to touch it, because I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Sharla hung on her every word under the candle lit atmosphere.

 

            “It’s not hurting you now? What’s so dangerous? Why shouldn’t I touch it?”

she responded in a more serious tone.

            “I still don’t want to risk it Shar, you’re my sister, I can’t bear to see you in that sort of pain, I’d never forgive myself if you went through…that”

Before she could think Sharla was pressing the ends of her fingers into the crowns cold gold surface.

            “Look…nothing…” she said triumphantly yet boldly, retracting her fingers and long thin arm she walked back to her own bed, pulled up the duvet and sat in bed, she turned away and rubbed the tips of her fingers, she had felt something, strange and powerful, but no pain. She didn’t want to worry Ember and so tried to get to sleep.

 

Ember was still staring mindlessly at the crown, her eyes not moving from it, her grip on it tightened and deep down a small burning feeling made its unfriendly return, making her cringe in the slightest. The crowns presence made Ember not even notice, her eyes were wide and her face was still. Sharla witnessed the candle begin to flicker more and more, not able to fall asleep. The longer that Ember stared at the flame the more manic its movement became

 

            “Em, what ever that thing is, stop staring at it, something’s happening!” Sharla cried shakily.

Her sister suddenly lost fixation with the gold object and looked at Sharla with a confused and shocked look.

            “Ok, ok I’ll stop…I don’t know what happened, this thing isn’t normal”

Ember put the crown away and blew out the candle, eventually drifting into the realm of her mind as it lay dormant in her sleep, so came the first of many dreams to trouble the girl for years to come.

 

*********

 

Silence, pure silence, and no view of anything in the near.

No sound was heard, no wind, no birds, no people, just the faint heartbeat of a rage filled Princess who swept through the dwelling beneath the regal complex of a palace. The sun of the third age beat down upon the above world and it lay in peaceful clouds above a peaceful nation.

The Princess’ heartbeat became faster and faster, louder and louder.  From her heavy gold plated boots ran a hooded cloak of black and gold upto her long amber hair which swayed as she ran, down a corridor lined with red and gold tapestries sporting the insignia of the Nyshuhrian Kingdom and floor tiles filled the space between many alcoves, some lit by candles which seemed to follow the entity as she passed. She wore a five pointed crown upon her head and it shook as she ran. Her skin was pale and flawless with mild yet bright blue eyes and a slightly pointed chin which received reflections from fire lit jewels around her neck. It was quickly clear from what she wore that whoever she was of great importance. Her speed was unusual as her footsteps echoed when she came forth, the floor passed away beneath her and alcove after alcove flew by in the shadows until she came to two great golden doors at the end of the corridor, ornate and of a spiralled pattern.

 

            “I can do this, I need to speak out some time, and that time is now!” she whispered to herself before persisting to apply force on the doors. She pushed them open with a heave and came out into the bright sunlight where a few petals blew across her path; the doors slammed shut behind her. Either side of her now stood a tan wall and between them were steps which led up to a courtyard bordered with trees and the great sound of rushing water filled the air. She ran up and onto a brown path which went straight on into a round plaza, there were grass lawns either side which were filled with people in formal clothing, beyond them were three people under a form of shrine with a spire that went high into the air.

Guards of metallic red armour stood around, silver swirls crested upon the plating and hair mains plumed from the tops of their helmets. Great shoulder plates and skirt plates were attached to the chest plates which below three strips of metal were fastened together. The soldiers held spears in their defence, but they were stood about on their duties and they sensed no threat as the girl came about.

 

 

She walked between the crowds, shocking the people by her unexpected presence. Her steps were firm and were walked with dignity and authority, through they took her unto the shrine shadowed plaza and before those who dwelled there. A king and a Queen of dark hair and red robes sat upon thrones nestled within the shrine, they sat in old stone chairs with gold trim and a spiralling column at each corner.

 

There sat King Safron, the most recent in an unbroken bloodline of kings, grand and powerful. He was loved by his people for through his seeming ruthlessness he showed compassion and was generous to his people. He led his armies to victory at the first Inarian battle in the latermost years of the second age before the red sun came. He had reshaped the armies since his father’s death twenty one years before and with them he had pacified all who tried to disrupt peace in Nyshuhr. Safron had made the lands green once more when evil had vanquished in the way of King Enorin of Inar being defeated in a long war tween the two monarchs. Since the sun child was born he had lessened his work to install beauty into his country and no one blamed him for he was to bring up his sun child daughter and teach her the right path in life and not to follow what King Rhandyr had done to the country nearly five centuries ago.

 

He was known for his kindness and his smile and love of his family and he often displayed affection for his Queen in public, yet no one could really understand his feelings towards his daughter who he had never shown compassion for in the open and the only time he had shown deep care for her in private was when he trained her successfully to defeat him in with a sword. In time she had grown stronger than the King and he despised what abilities she had for they corrupted the mind. He wanted to teach her that not everyone will love what she is and she should not endorse what she has, yet regardless the Princess of fire had begun exploring her abilities long ago and Safron feared what she would become.

 

            “You kneel before your king as a man willing to protect his country until death takes him and so   with this sword of old, I present to thee a binding of service to your nation, to do as it wills and to     keep the forces of evil behind our mountain walls for as long as you can stand to overlook them…”

 

The King repented and stood up at the sight of the angered looking girl approaching, he overshadowed the young man knelt before him in a suit of red and silver armour with the ruler’s sword placed over his shoulder.

 

            “Sapphire? What do you want? Can you not see that we are in the middle of something my child?” said the King, dropping the sword from the knight’s shoulder.

The girl walked further forward as the kneeling man looked to his side at her,

           

            “So it’s true? You’re knighting my brother into a life of war!” she shouted. The crowd started whispering between themselves, if it had been a normal person to have said this it would have been treason.

            “Your brother, Prince Fehrnire, is joining the army on his own account; he wants to honour our     family’s proud tradition, carrying on the bloodline of strong kings.” The king snapped back. His wife, the Queen who was Sapphire and Fehrnire’s mother looked on in sympathy to her scolded daughter.

           

“So our heritage is all about enemy blood and self pride?! Neither compassion nor aid for those    lesser in strength?”

The king frowned even more and walked forward, bowing down and staring his daughter in the eyes and whispered in her ear,

            “You dare speak to me like that, I may be your father, but in public you will address me as your   king! Don’t forget who you’re speaking to!”

 

Sapphire felt the sun dappling through the trees around the courtyard, casting warm patches on the normally cold stone floor, it crept onto her face, suddenly the king repented, his expression looking more shocked than angry. His daughters eyes were now no longer blue, but a fiery shade of orange with her black pupils still in the centre, like a helpless planet being engulfed by the sun, her hair blew slightly in a mild breeze, unresting as she was.

           

“Don’t forget who you’re speaking to, I am your daughter, but I too follow one of our family’s        traditions, one of a different sort of power, not one I’m proud of, but by divine right I am of higher      authority than you! And you hate it!” She snarled back.

The Prince stood up and looked at his little sister staring evilly at her father.

 

            “Sapphire, what do you mean? What is this power you speak of?” he asked,

Sapphire looked at him as her eyes returned to normal, leaving her shaken by her unexpected rage. She knew not what to say, for her brother was slightly naive on the lore of the Nyshuhr people. The Queen stood forwards and rested her hand upon the Prince’s shoulder.

           

“My son, your sister is the…sun child”

She gave a sympathetic smile at her daughter, but not being able to believe her own words.

Fehrnire’s expression turned even more toiled as he looked helplessly between everyone and at the crowds staring nervously at him, everyone seemed to know what was happening but himself.

            “What is the…sun child?”

 

The king grabbed his daughter’s wrist and spoke to her,

            “Go. Now!”

 

The angered Princess pulled away and headed back down the long path in a temper, her brother watched her storm off with sadness in his heart, long had he seen his sister disheartened by their parents, but as much as he wished to help her, he did not wish to disappoint his father.

There was a bright scene above Sapphire’s path as the sun reflected off of the brick work of the three tiered palace overlooking the courtyard, and at the very top fluttered the flag of Nyshuhria which rippled in the wind that lingered about the summer’s air.

Sapphire passed back through into the darker corridor beneath the palace complex and the doors at the base of the stairs slammed shut with a loud bang.

 

*********

 

The sound seemed to echo through Ember’s mind and caused her to wake and a sweat dripped down her forehead, she sat in bed with her hair down again, and looking around the bedroom hopelessly to make sense of what was real. Sharla was still sleeping soundly, breathing silently in an awkward position in her messy bed.

She smiled to herself to see her little sister was safe, and then lay back in bed, trying to unravel what the that dream was about, so many questions, who was…Sapphire? And indeed what is a sun child? She dared to think and she tried to sleep again.

 

The morning had arrived once more and the ceiling was suddenly lit by a streak of orange light, the sun’s majesty had replaced the moons glow, and Sharla went to the window and opened the curtains, blasting sunlight into her sister’s face. Ember cowered behind her arm; she had suddenly felt more sensitive to the sun.

Sharla turned around as her sister gasped and beside her the extinguished candle suddenly sparked into flame once more, it flickered in Ember’s direction, menacingly pointing at her as if to bow to her.

           

            “What’s going on?!” Ember whispered, beginning to tremble with nerves, staring darkly at the possessed flame.

            “I don’t know what you mean Em, nothings wrong.” Sharla replied, sitting closer on the bed to her sister, she tried to ignore the candle and what ever happened before, slowly she felt Ember’s mind breaking, and something was happening.

            “Shar, something’s happening to me, I can feel it! And I just can’t make it stop!”

 

Later, whilst Sharla was out on the streets again Ember lay on her own bed, staring mindlessly at the ceiling, trying to figure out the riddles of her own mind. That dream felt too real to be seen as mere figment of her imagination. She could not explain what had come to pass, what only she could know, and only after she touched the crown had something happened. Done with the unsolvable vision she got up and walked to the window to look down on a quiet street. The scene seemed so tranquil, the peaceful sky, the crooked chimneys on the skyline were slipping into the void of evening, the same black feathered bird as came before swooped elegantly between them, its plumage rippling in the breeze passing around its gliding wings.

The door downstairs unlatched and then closed again and Ember heard her sister talking to her mother in the lounge.

Upon regaining concentration Ember looked out the window again only to almost be taken into a rift of scare. Something came with her accidental glare at the sun and went deep within her. A pain unlike any she had experienced before, it tore her soul apart and she tried to scream but no voice came, her mind was deep and strung with a constant ringing and the whole time the image of fire crackled in her inescapable thoughts.

Ember quickly grovelled away in shock and pain, close to collapsing, going downstairs to sit with her sister, needing comfort from the sister she trusted with the burdens of her troubled mind.

 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Rubric
Review
Rubric wrote a review · Wed Jun 13, 2012 10:40 am

Howdy, sorry it took me so long to get to your review. It's quite a long pice and took me some time to get through. I usually do an itemised critique, and in this case that will precede a short general review. As always I can be reached on my wall and on my Will Review For Food thread. Here we go.

"around every half a millennia"
Using the word "around" is almost slang in this instance, and clashes quite strongly with the historical narrative that composes this first half-page.

"ever wondered"
You've just described the discrete time period, 429 years to the present, so the word "ever" is redundant.

"Four ages and two thousand years"
These seem like two very different measurements of time. When we talk about ages (iron, medieval etc) they aren't usually tied down to exact dates, so it's odd to use that traditionally vague measurement of time next to a more precise one (two thousand years). It's kind of like saying "I waited a long time and five minutes", the long time makes the precision of five minutes irrelevant. underlying question: What is an age?

"She was so named"
The "so" seems redundant.

"it was not long after that he"
replacing after with afterward would smooth this over.

"into that which made their bloodline so feared."
It reads like you're dancing around the specific traits of the sun child while trying to clarify the danger they represent. You don't want your reader to feel like you're deliberately keeping things from them, even if you are.

"him wearily entering the house"
"his weary entrance to the house" avoids the shenanigans around "him", which doesn't read well.

"great blaze and silence would come with a wave of fear"
This sounds like an odd portent. "blaze" is a bit light compared to awesome fiery words like "conflagration" "immolating tide" and such, but it's the word "silence" that just sits there strangely. Is it meant to mean death, or just be mysterious?

"It was then upon a cold day of grey skies and rain there was much blood shed in the ruins of a once grand city that lay in a cloud of fog."
I've got to say that everything before this reads like an infodump, in that the narrator is clearly feeding information to the reader to contextualise what is about to happen, whereas everyhting after this line is a more conventional narrative. It leads the reader to question their own position in relation to the narrative, and the role of the narrative voice. That can intefere with the verisimilitude of the narrative, which is the bedrock for most modern fantasy, rooted as it is in the realist tradition.\

"get slaughtered upon the enemy blades"
Upon or By?

"emitted a volley of arrows"
These aren't magnetic waves, arrows are fired or shot, or even "projected" if you're giving an impression of a high arc of fire.

"We have been ordered to our death by our king, his longing to see the sun child dead"
Avoid making your villain sound like a villain from his own mouth, or the mouths of his trusted and loyal servants (as we would assume this general is). Even tyrants invest heavily in Public Relations. If he's not an abject traitor, this general should be making up stuff about how the sun child is an evil demon, or their enemies will invade their homes and kill their wives if they retreat.

"waiting crown."
"crowd"

"glared unamused at him."
glared at him, unamused.

"you know as much as anyone"
If he knows as well as anyone, then it seems like this is for the reader's benefit, which messes up the realism.

"ordered the lead archer"
Give him a rank. Even Archery Lieutenant would do.

"We should get back to battle"
"the" battle

"before he then went on to lead a chant"
You sometimes connect different ideas strangely. In this instance, the "then" is superfluous, but even the "went on" is a bit too limp for the aggressive and bold actions taking place: consider your use of verbs such as "went" and "lead" against other alternatives: "before roaring in the old Arinalgarin language, leading his warriors in a battle chant".

"all but the wise father that is."
You don't need to go telling the reader who the Nice, Wise and Good characters are, any more than you need to tell them that the king is Mean, Bad etc.

"Unto the death"
Read this sentence out loud. I don't think the word "unto" is functioning the way you think it is, and I think a lack of commas may be a part of it.

"curved flooded streets"
curved and flooded

"wore his blood stained under armour clothes."
"under armour clothes" isn't a thing. He could have some kind of quilted jerkin that would stop the armour scraping his skin, but if thats the case you need to be specific, or else it reads as improper english.

"Sharlon mumbled and he then ran from where"
You could increase the pace by striking out "he then"

"ancient tower upon its centre"
I'd prefer "at" or "on" over "upon" myself.

"spoke the impatient soldier harshly with his teeth grinded"
"spoke" is a wasted verb as it does nothing to characterise the action: we know it's spoken by the speech marks, the verb should tell us something of the tone, pace or loudness from which we can make educated guesses about mood and pacing. "grinded" also reads oddly, I think you may mean "clenched".

"Sharlon argued defensively."
He isn't really arguing anything or disputing anything. He's mocking them.

This whole scene is confusing. The idea that he is a traitor for not sharing this information seems fair enough, but what's really confusing is that this information is so ridiculously valuable, and yet they kill him for having it rather than interrogating him for it.

"She had not the time"
She did not have the time

"Knocking at the door she came in to see one of her daughters whose bed was closest to the window still asleep."
This reads as if there are multiple daughters with beds closes to the window, and that one of them is asleep, which is not what you intend.

"shouted a soft voice"
Do voices shout? I'm not sure, but I think people would shout, and voices would carry emotional affects.

"teenage girl laid curled"
lay

"her fringe lying upon her"
Your overreliance on the word "upon" is noticeable, and the word itself is often ambiguous or unsatisfactory in the instances that it is used in.

"blasting infernal morning sunlight"
I've got a feeling you've been using a thesaurus, rather than a dictionary. "Infernal" has strong associations with satan, demons and hell, and probably isn't warranted in this instance.

“No Shar, we get by living off all the gold we so obviously have.”
This feels like the argument between the soldiers. I know family members can joke about their financial circumstances, but this seems to be more for the benefit of the reader than the characters, which is unbalanced dialogue.

"turned to face her sister to speak."
"and spoke" rather than "to speak" would transition more smoothly to direct speech.

"festering soldiers"
festering is an odd adjective to use with soldiers. It describes a little of how they're perceived by the sisters, but nothing of why they're perceived that way.

"infuriating infernal hurricanes"
Again, "infernal" is very evocative of certain metaphysical concepts that you don't neccessarily want to bring into your world.

"dull and resenting eyes to which Emlyn stared at with secret fury."
dull and resentful eyes at which Emlyn stared with secret fury.

"Now for the main question of which my visit is based"
"on which", as the visit is based on a question, not of it.

“I really don’t understand why I have to hide away when ever anyone visits, it’s like I’m not even supposed to be here"
I think the idea that a teenager would willingly be forced to hide away in their home without being given a decent excuse (there are people wanting to kill her) is unlikely. Especially when her sister is an adventurous thief.

"mind full of thought"
An odd turn of phrase.

“It’s okay girls, they’re gone!”
Wasn't there only one?

"The sound of the front door knocking happened"
Sounds don't "happen", they reach ears, resound, or penetrate silences. The rest of the sentence reads as if the sound is opened, rather than the door.

"Nothing happened for the rest of the day"
If nothing happened, let nothing be said of it.

"I’m not afraid to tell you why"
This almost sounds like "prepare for me to fill you in on my backstory", which is very artificial given that this is the only peer this girl has, and one of the two people she's ever exchanged words with. It seems like such an unlikely secret.

"staring mindlessly at the crown"
"mindlessly" doesn't sind like a word you'd want to throw around here, especially when I'd have expected her to be frowning with concentration: this is the focus of her thoughts, not the absense of them.

"lost fixation with the gold"
lost "her" fixation. The fixation is something she has, not something she does.

"anything in the near."
anything nearby.

"It was quickly clear from what she wore "
To whom is it quickly clear? You have not created or noticed a dreamer to perceive this through, so as it stands you're imposing these impressions on the reader without giving them a reason.

"whoever she was of great importance"
"whoever she was must be of great importance"

"Guards of metallic red armour"
"in"

"A king and a Queen"
Both or neither should be capitalised.

"a long war tween the two monarchs"
between, or 'tween, though the latter is more a vernacular or the product of accent.

"she should not endorse what she has"
endorse is another odd word choice, give how it is contextualised by the ideas around it. I think either "employ" or"flaunt" would be appropriate, depending on your intention.

"suddenly the king repented,"
You use the word "repented" to describe the king's actions twice in quick succession, but neither time do I get a clear idea of what that means or why he does it.

"unresting as she was."
restless as she.

"for her brother was slightly naive on the lore of the Nyshuhr people"
If she legitimately outranks her father, and her brother doesn't know that and yet is knighted and presumedly considered a natural grown man of the blood royal then he is not naive, he is an idiot. This is not something that is simply overlooked, and his ignorance seems to exist to fuel Ember's questions, rather than making sense in his own historical context.

"even more toiled"
"strained" rather than toiled, I would think.

Overall I enjoyed the work you'd put into world-building, and it generally seemed to help you tell your story, rather than getting in the way of that. I think there may be some work to do on your part in how you construct your sentences, though this may be the result of the archaic phrasing you use at points. Similarly, your word choice seemed overbold at points, and I'd encourage you to stick with language with which you are familiar, and language that clearly and evocatively describes what is occuring for the benefit of the reader. I enjoyed the imagery of the sun, and apart from a few plot concerns that I highlighted in my itemised critique I think this shows an incredibly strong start to a longer piece. I'm not sure whether to advise you to post shorter sections or not, as you may get a greater number of reviews, or you might not, but shorter pieces are a bit easier to digest.

Thank you for the read.

Rubric.

Hi Rubric, thanks for the review, i can see what you mean from the points you made. some of my biggest weaknesses is clarity and consistency (also in my schoolwork) i actually didn't use a thesaurus or dictionary, just my own vocab which seems to have worked rather adversely in many places =\ i will admit though, that i have rewritten this beginning around 8 times, and i shall do it again to make sure it portrays what i want it to.

thanks for your review, it really does help!

User avatar
AlfredSymon
Review

Hi Ash! Sorry for the month-late review! I've been VERY busy with my non-writer life and so I haven't given any reviews since your work. But here it is, better late than never, right? Since you've requested a special review, I'll give more on Plot and Character build-up.

OVER-ALL CONCEPT OF THE FIRST CHAPTER & PLOT MAKING:
The story is some kind of new world fantasy, the tale happens on a place new to the readers. That is a common thing for neo-fantasy novels, and it's quite hard these days to make one that will stand out from the others. In Fire Princess, I believe the first chapter circles around the Sun Child, and what must be of her. A prophecy theme is quite cliche, so I advise you to create a new basis for Ember's, who as I believe is your main character, powers, where it came from and what she needs to do with it.

You told only a slice of what would happen in this chapter, and so the excitement gets good, but as a reader, this chapter lacks a bit more pep, something that can provoke the reader's interest. Yes, there is the prophecy, yes , there is the war, yes, there is the unheard of powers, but those are common questions that appear on novels of the same genre. Render a hint of a big situation in this chapter that will leave the readers a great interest for the next chapters. It should be unique, so wars, prophecies, powers are excluded, but including them of course, helps.

The concept of the story, as based on the first chapter is a great intrigue, and I think I would like the rest of it. I advise you, though, to not leave the readers hanging on Ember's mind, hang the readers on something that they should await at the next chapter. Maybe a foreshadow of a conversation that can tell much of what will happen in the far future, or a scene which depicts a dream that entails the past, anything that CAN leave them hanging! Be creative, man! Anything you think that can give impact will do!

HOW TO BUILD UP GOOD CHARACTERS:
Being unique is the best quality to give your characters. Let's take on the main character first. Ember's physical characteristics are greatly laid out, when she was an infant. But as she grew up, only a few lines describe her. Try to add more lines which can depict the changes she had--and having--as she grew up. On her quality, well, those are normal for girls her age. Adding a special, HUMAN quality to her can make her a bit more unique. All hero, apart their power, have a quality which roots them to reality, and that can bring readers some sense of connection with the hero. I believe it's best that Ember should develop this in the earlier parts of the novel, to keep readers at the level.

As for the other characters which plays a big part in this story, it would be better to give them unique qualities, too. This makes them distinct with the other characters, which is a good thing to use in the following chapters of Fire Princess. I can't say much about villains and very minor characters much now, since there aren't introduced in chapter 1. Good luck with your characters and make sure you love them!

ON THE ACTIONS:
What the characters do and how you tell them is an important element in any writing. I, myself, have a hard time with actions, but that won't stop me in trying to become better. You told the story in a very good way, and I believe you can make it better by describing them more, in terms of perspective: what does it look like if you saw it? What would it feel like if you are near it? Etc. This can add up to the over-all impact of your words to the readers.

So, I might end here. Again, sorry if I'm sooooo late, and I hope this review would make up to it. The review above, though, is general to the whole book itself, so don't worry, 'cause your first chapter rocks! Good luck with this project!

Your pal,
Al



My humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu