The Fire Princess - Part One - New Introduction Draft

Chapter One

 

The Red Sunrise

 

A small crooked overhanging house within a long narrow street was host to a curious moment, for through the passing of the red sun a child had been born within its walls.

 

A tired mother and her confused husband looked at each other in both worry and happiness over the sight of their newborn daughter.

 

“You do realise who she is, don’t you Emlyn” said Sharlon. He hung over his newborn daughter wrapped in a cloth in her mother’s arms, his scruffy and blood covered under-armour clothing falling about as he leant over.

He was a tall man whose black hair brushed up either side of his bristly chin; it tickled his wife as he kissed her.

 

Sharlon looked at his new daughter’s hair which consisted of a few amber coloured strands hanging down and laying atop her cheeks. She was a curious child, both of her parents were of dark hair and no one had had such hair for five centuries. But both Emlyn and Sharlon knew this, they knew that their child was the feared one yet her face was of pure innocence and peace.

 

“She’s beautiful”

 

“Yes, she is, what should we call her? She is no ordinary child”

Sharlon asked, turning to face her husband with her green eyes.

 

“I think it should reflect who she is, being born this day, being the cause of the new age, she is no royal as those who came before were, but she shall walk as one, some day.”

Emlyn proudly stroked her sleeping daughter’s cheek and her husband sat next to her on the bed and hugged her as she held their child.

 

Outside everyone gathered in the streets witnessing the cracking red sun as its ferocity could almost be heard in the ears. Its fiery swirling was getting weaker by the hour and the skies remained red throughout the rest of the day. Then, land by land the world slipped into the void of night and on the other side of dawn it was to awaken in a new age, one which would shape the world in the years to come.

 

“We’ll call her Ember, for as a sun child that is her nature”

 

“You realise she can never go out into the world, the king and his army will be looking for her, if they find her, Emlyn, she will die”  

 

Two Years Later

 

It was then upon a cold day of grey skies and rain there was much blood shed in the ruins of a once grand city that lay in a cloud of fog.

 

“Run Sharlon! We need to get clear of the causeway or we’ll be taken down by our own arrows!” shouted a lightly armoured soldier. He looked behind him to see a horde of Calamhian soldiers crossing over the great bridge. Their silver armour shone and their drenched purple cloaks flew as they were caught in the cross-river winds over the bridge they ran upon.

 

“Quick, get behind the barricades!”

 

“What about the others!?”

 

“We can’t help them, come, we must get behind the archers!”  

 

The two friends dived behind piles of stone where they then got up and watched more of their comrades get slaughtered upon the enemy blades by the rushing silver and purple force. They appeared from the bridge under a grand tower in the fog, its top could not be seen through the cloud yet it still cast a shadow over wet ground.

 

It was then too late to let any more allies through when the enemy got too close. The archers behind the barricades emitted a volley of arrows over the first level of the city and into the Calamihans and brought many down, tripping up those behind them who then succumb to a second wave of raining death. However this did not stop them and the swarm of swordsmen continued on over their fallen allies. Across the river a hail storm of arrows flew from the fog and pierced the armour of many behind the barricades.

 

“Men of Arzuria, upon your blades the enemy will fall, their forces shall break the first level and reach us and when that happens we must stand strong. We have been ordered to our death by our king, his longing to see the sun child dead has taken us this far and now we look across the river into the lands where they breathe!”

 

A great General shouted these words to a unit of swordsmen waiting behind the archers, braced for attack in the pouring rain. Two soldiers watched as the two friends disappeared behind an old building that was overgrown but he said nothing for he understood.

 

“Father, we will not win this war, will we?” a soldier asked they who stood besides them.

 

“King Karanar has lead us to death once in the first year of this age, I’ve no doubt he’ll do it again” he replied. His son looked nervously around him at the other soldiers shivering in the wet gale.

 

“What are Sharlon and Enarhin doing!?” he asked, his eyes followed the two men trampling through the rain.

 

“I thought you wanted to see Sharlon dead I thought you hadn’t spoken since…never mind. Focus not on what is not here, but instead concentrate on what is before us”

 

“…But before us is death!”

 

The two friends swerved clear of their allies as not to be seen and clambered over old stone to then sit upon rocks inside shelter amidst the ruins of an old lofty tower that was on the verge of collapsing.

 

“Fire! Fire onto the bridge!” ordered the lead archer. The whirring of many arrows launching into the sky was then followed by the clanging of metal and the screams of many who fell.

 

“Come out you cowards! The king has ordered that you give your lives to defend Danalavonia, you are needed on the fron…” a booming voice was cut down by an arrow that came across the river, he fell and his helmet rolled into view of Sharlon’s eyes.

 

“We should get back to battle, we need to hold off our southern lands” Enarhin insisted.

 

“What’s the point?” Sharlon argued.

 

“The point!? The point is that the sun child is in Calamiha! The one person who our country fears more than any, she is in the lands we see through the fog!”

 

“No, no she isn’t.”  Sharlon whispered. His remark made Enarhin recoil in confusion.

 

Sharlon closed his eyes and saw his wife at home in Arzutare with his two daughters, cuddled by a fire, but the fire was not of normal stature. Emlyn watched as its flickering matched that of the pulse in her firstborn’s veins, occasionally the flame seemed to reach out to her as if to bow down to its master.

 

Their firstborn, Ember, was the sun child, the one who was born upon the fifth red dawn which brought the fifth age. History has spoken of the sun children as those in the days of history who reigned under black skies and dark waters, breathed air of great heat and walked upon a ground of ashes. They were the most feared power in the history of the world and could dissipate an entire country if they so wished and at the same time cause the up rise of a single nation.

 

“What do you mean? You know where they are, don’t you? Don’t you!?”

 

“They’ve broken the first level; the time has come for Arzuria to rule under these skies once more!” the general shouted outside before he then went on to lead a chant in the old Arinalgarin language that was hence repeated by his men. Only the father of the young resenting soldier remained silent for he refused to say such words which said,

 

“Unto the death of the sun child banners rise and this country shall be victorious under a black dawn!”

 

It was then that a horn blew and the soldier ran forth into the Calamihans, a thunderous sound of clashing metal erupted into the air and shouts and cries were endless. Further units of Arzurian soldiers poured in from the curved flooded streets and impaled the enemy from both sides.

 

            “I have to end this war, I have to save the ones I love!” Sharlon declared and he took off most of his armour so that he only again wore his blood stained under armour clothes.

 

            “Where is the sun child!?” Enarhin asked again.

 

            “I’m sorry!” Sharlon mumbled and he then ran from where the two sat. Out into the opposite side of the city where he ran amongst marching soldiers headed for the front line. Enarhin followed him with vengeance brewing inside him.

 

            “You will tell me where the child is, they who have caused my friends to die!” he yelled, but was pushed aside by the passing army.

 

Sharlon made it onto a quieter part of the first level of the city and looked up at the fog hidden bridge and the ancient tower upon its centre. He then ran past many houses and up stone stairs onto the causeway. He was now behind the enemy but he looked behind and saw his old friend still chasing after him.

 

The young soldier and his father now fought nearer the causeway, holding off the Calamihans with desperation.

 

            “Sharlon knows where the sun child is! He’s heading into Byana to find them!” Enarhin shouted and only the son heard his cry. It seemed that now he had Sharlon right where he wanted him. He and Enarhin walked towards Sharlon upon the bridge and through the fog saw the rain shining upon the armour of enemy archers. He was trapped.

 

            “You already stole my love from me Sharlon. Now you keep the sun child from me too?”

 

            “Its time for traitors to die!” Enarhin said.

 

            “Then I die knowing they lay far away from your barbarism!  Far away from your hands! She is safe!” Sharlon argued defensively.

 

            He then fell something run through him, whether it were an arrow or a blade he did not know, but he fell into dirty waters upon the bridge in the rain whilst so many died nearby, his blood flowed into theirs.

He never got to see Ember grow up, or her younger sister, who was born before the second war. He had been fighting a war to look for his own firstborn when he knew perfectly well she was safe at home, hidden in the city that wanted her dead.

 

Two years into the fifth age this happened, and still no child was known to anyone apart from those who swore their lives to protect her, and it was to be that way for another fifteen long years.

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Griffinkeeper
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A small crooked overhanging house within a long narrow street was host to a magical moment, for through the passing of the red sun a child had been born inside an old, dusty and shabbily furnished house, where the smell of damp filled their lungs and the dust lingered in the air of each breath they took.


This is a run on sentence and it has the effect of dragging everything out. You spend all this time detailing a house and my question is... why? Are we going to see this house again? Does the fact that it is dusty have some sort of bearing on the plot? If it doesn't matter, then why did you make it the first thing we read?

“You do realise who she is, don’t you Emlyn” said Sharlon. He hung over his newborn daughter wrapped in a cloth in her mother’s arms, his scruffy and blood covered under-armour clothing falling about as he leant over.He was a respectable and tall man whose black hair went to his neck and his fringe was brushed up either side of his bristly chin. His life had been one of repression until he met his wife, but further darkness soon grew. The country they both lived in was gearing up for a war, but it was an up rise of armaments raised in preparation for the sun child’s downfall. Her life had barely yet begun yet her future was being decided by a tyrant king whose men carried spears and swords and shields and bows. The power of the sun child was one of the most feared forces in history and it was thought that as many men as possible would be needed to see their fate through to its grim end.


Whenever you begin describing the past, think of it as a flashback that's occurring in realtime. That way, when you feel like describing the past life of someone, you can see how annoying it is. Imagine it, we haven't even seen the little brat, when the author goes to a flashback about the Father's past. This flashback goes on for a minute or so; then it comes back to the present. It's a major interruption to the story. Kill it before it kills your story.

“She’s beautiful”

“Yes, she is, but what are we to call her?”
Emlyn asked, turning to face her husband with her green eyes.

“I think we should name her for her beautiful mother”

“No, I think it should reflect who she is, being born this day, being the cause of the new age, she is no royal as those who came before were, but she shall walk as one, some day.”
She proudly stroked her sleeping daughter’s cheek.
Sharlon then sat on the bed and cuddled his wife holding their child.

Outside everyone gathered in the streets witnessing the cracking red sun as its ferocity could almost be heard in the ears. Its fiery swirling was getting weaker by the hour and the skies remained red throughout the rest of the day. Then, land by land the world slipped into the void of night and on the other side of dawn it was to awaken in a new age, one which would shape the world in the years to come.


You make us sit through all this and YOU DON'T EVEN TELL US HER NAME?!?!

*Throws pillows across the room.*

It's almost like you're so absorbed with writing all the pretty little details that you forget what the point of the scene is.

Briefly:

Baby is born. It's special. Doom and chaos are sure to follow, yada yada. Oh well, we'll call it: _____.

That's what we want this scene to convey and you forgot the last part. Now when all the soldiers let out their battle cries, it will be "We must protect the sun child ______ !!"

Right, now let's go to two years later.

The battle scenes are rather exciting, except they've got weird bits in it. Stuff like:

The family of three had since become four with the arrival of another daughter between two wars that had broken out since and she lay silently in her room, having been kissed farewell by her father. His shadow left her sleepy face as he walked to the other side of the room.

“Stay safe, my darling daughter, you will be fine here, no one knows” Sharlon whispered to his sleeping first born before hugging Emlyn tightly. She then watched sadly as he left the door to be taken by soldiers of silver and black armour. He had been taken into war; a war to end the life of his young child which the King had presumed was born in enemy lands.

It was then upon a cold day of grey skies and rain there was much blood shed in the ruins of a once grand city that lay in a cloud of fog.


It seems rather cliche. We have the cliche birth scene, now it is followed by the cliche "Father has to leave to fight" scene. Can we just skip to the good part?

“Run Sharlon! We need to get clear of the causeway or we’ll be taken down by our own arrows!” shouted a lightly armoured soldier. He looked behind him to see a horde of Calamhian soldiers crossing over the great bridge. Their silver armour shone and their drenched purple cloaks flew as they were caught in the cross-river winds over the bridge they ran upon.

“Quick, get behind the barricades!”

The two friends dived behind piles of stone where they then got up and watched more of their comrades get slaughtered by the enemy blades by the rushing silver and purple force. They appeared from the bridge under a grand tower in the fog, its top could not be seen through the cloud yet it still cast a shadow over wet ground.

It was then too late to let any more comrades through when the enemy got too close. The archers behind the barricades emitted a volley of arrows over the first level of the city and into the Calahmians and brought many down, tripping up those behind them who then succumb to a second wave of raining death.


At last! We have action! We have conflict!

Sharlon was suddenly taken out of reminiscent state upon the sound of a horn blowing and the round of chanting outside. And then the inevitable clash of metal came. The Calahmian forces had broken through, their swords edging nearer as the flood of metal poured into the city and broke upon the armour of those defending their country. Sharlon waited silently, thinking of his family again and this would be the last time he would do so, as he would not live to see them or another day in a new dawn of any kind.


NO! Don't fade out, let's see Sharlon die. Let's follow him to death; see if he dies a coward or a hero.

Okay, let's try this again. Only this time, use the ABC's. Action first, background second, followed by the character reaction third. Eliminate the run-on sentences and anything that diverts our attention from the important stuff.

Example:

Spoiler
Fireballs exploded behind Simon, knocking him to the ground. He looked around for cover, but the nearest thing was the ruins of what had been a fountain and it was across the plaza. Fireballs lanced out towards other soldiers.

"Somebody kill that fire thrower already!" Simon yelled.


Notice the order: Action, Background, then the Character reaction. ABC.

there, edited, just as a pointer, the real explanation of Sharlon's death comes in the last penultimate chapter which sees other mysteries pulled into one answer, also the army Sharlon is fighting in want the sun child dead, the enemy want her to live, this was in my prologue that i got told to take out...



The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte