The Fire Princess - Part One - Arinalgar - Chapter Two

Chapter Two

 

The Bond of Sisters

 

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The cold of night had stricken the air which lingered about the capital of Nyshuria. The clouds overshadowed the mountains in the distance which gave their height away to the palace that sat in the centre of the light dazzled tanned and olive roofed city. It rested upon a circular island separated by a ring of water above a city half over a lower level and half of one on higher plain, water poured from around the palace side courtyard via the ring and into a lily and petal covered lake which glistened in the light from street torches.

A greater darkness than what lurked outside was evident within the confines of the regal complex itself. The dark hallways which hid behind the ancient thick walls were host to a saddened and lonely Princess. She walked through candle lit halls, columns of black marble and more decorated alcoves either side, statues in some of them, candles in others. Every now and then she’d pass an opening which led into a tributary corridor where at the end was a window which allowed the moon’s glow to flood in over the floors.

She was on the highest tier of the palace where situated was the royal chambers and other stately rooms. Something stirred from time to time in the hidden depths of the outer halls, both sight and sound of this dwelling Sapphire had noticed, but she let it not bother her.

 

Light seeped from a room in the dark distance, beaming across the ground. With it came the sound of a person shifting about, and the light clanging of metal.

It echoed down the curved hallway and rolled past the Princess’ ears, drowning any sound of that which hid from her highness.

Eventually she came to where the light emanated. At the end of the corridor was a narrower passage devoid of moonlight and at the end of that was a wall which went across and in the centre was a doorway, the light came out from beneath it and mingled with the glow which came from torches being held by an armoured statue which stood in an alcove either side.

A curved plaque was above the doorway stating in the old Nyshuhrian language: “Thus one travels, into thy domain, the heir to the Nyshuhrian people”

 

The shadow beneath the door was cut off momentarily as someone moved about behind it and Sapphire raised her hand to knock upon the cold metal surface. But before her hand touched the surface the noise within stopped and the door opened only to be replaced by Fehrnire, dressed in the same red and silver armour, he carried a helmet under one hand which had his royal crown, differing slightly from his sisters and sporting a black jewel, embedded across the front above the eye-holes.

 

“Sapphire, I was just coming to say my farewells” He stated, smiling quite moderately and proudly.

 

“Fehrnire, why must you leave and go to war, there’s no need for it, and our nation needs not more death” Sapphire said assertively.

 

“I must go because our country’s shores depend on it, Inar has launched a sizely assault upon the Narshyr Marshes in Hanahr for a reason we do not know, and we must go. I must show that the royals are doing their part to help too”

 

“Then send father, he has fought many wars and seen many victories, send not you to die, the heir to our country, what will happen if you get killed!?” Sapphire argued.

 

“You certainly seem optimistic enough on my part” The Prince remarked before continuing to answer his sister’s question as she looked on having felt insulted slightly.

 

“Im sorry for being like that Saph…truth is,  I volunteered to go, father needs to take care of the country itself, he has not the strength he once did, his sword is now only used for ceremony and I doubt it’ll see blood ever again in his life and hopefully ours too. Besides, I won’t die, I’ve been trained well by General Fennok, I’ll be fighting at his side the whole way until victory is achieved and I will return home.”

 

“Well just make sure you do! You’re the only person I can talk to, not even our parents have the patience to listen to me.”  The Princess strongly insisted.

 

Fehrnire put his hand on his sister’s shoulder before replying quietly.

“I’m sure if you talk to them they’ll at least hear what you’ve got to say, you’re their daughter, why would they ignore you?”

 

“Daughter? I’m just a demon to them, a child they have to burden because of what I am, it’s purely out of making other countries fear us, else I would be dead with no use. You were always the perfect child, the one everyone always cared about, and I; I have never spoken to anyone besides you or guards who aren’t even allowed to talk back! You really think our parents want to speak to me?!...I don’t know whats happening to me, Fehrnire, my dreams grow dark, with no hope of light, something is to happen, and it’s tearing my mind apart, I just need someone to fall unto…this pain is unbearable alone!” Sapphire replied, her feelings came flooding out as did her tears and Fehrnire cuddled her and comforted her until her tears were gone.

 

“Sapphire, try talking to our parents, force them see what you’re going through, let them see you need aid, no parents should treat a child as ours do, but I think we know mother only acts like she does as a front to please father.”

 

“Alright, I’ll think about it…I’m scared Fehrnire, of my own undoing and of what is to come, make sure you do return!”

 

“I will, as soon as this war is over, and Saph, as a warning, don’t talk to any guards, they’ve been very odd in their behaviour lately, I think they’re up to something, stay within your self unless you go to talk to our parents.” Fehrnire replied.

 

“Because I’m the sun child? Am I really that feared by all others?” Sapphire asked with a look of further shame.

 

“No, people are bound to treat you different because you’re the sun child, Sapphire…but it’s not just that, maps of Argar were confiscated from a royal guard the other day, myself and General Fennok think the Capitalian Guards are planning something of dark doings, but I could be wrong, just stay in the shadows and watch yourself Sapphire!” The Prince said before turning to walk away from his insecure sister. She watched as he walked amongst the moonlight beams and around the curvature of the corridor into the darkness with the clanking of metal.

 

She walked out into the same space, her steps becoming slower and slower until she fell to the floor in the light of the moon and huddled herself up against the wall, closing her eyes and causing candles to lean in towards her person, they slowly drifted down and swirled about around her, but she noticed not for she was lost within her own mind, evil stirred, an evil she could not escape, and it killed her within.

 

*********

 

Evening skies began to creep into the city, slaughtering the day’s clouds as the rolled out above the mountains. The streets grew quiet, yet the flags above the Arzun Castle still flapped about the wind. Arzutare had lost its light; houses shone candles onto the streets as did crude street lamps, flaming into the night. The rivers flowed silently still; ships creaked as the light reflective water rocked against the wooden hulls.

 

Ember had awoken from yet another confusing dream; ever greater was the desire to discover more about who this ‘Sapphire’ was. Growing tiresome of not being able to have a proper night sleep she got up, put her cloak on and walked over to her window, slipping her head between the curtains and also pulling up her hood she began staring down at the streets which were slipping into the dark sky. Her gaze was drawn to the skyline of unlevel brown roofs and crooked chimneys to see the cowering sun descend into the darkness of the sky. Deep down the burning had yet again begun and she feared it’s upcoming.

She nervously turned to face the candle beside her bed; it was flickering normally before hand, but began to turn violent upon meeting her eyes.

As the stare prolonged, the flame began to alter its motions, actually starting to flicker in perfect synchronization with her heartbeat, shaking as it did so.

She closed her eyes and sat back against the window-side stool, pulling her hood back down. A tear began to form in her eye, more than ever she felt abnormal, isolated from the world. Her anger began to build up as she closed her eyes to rid her sight of fire, the very thing which had thwarted her sanity as of recent days.

 

No matter how hard Ember tried she could not banish her mind of an image of the burning, constant shifting flames. Too long had her mind dwelled on the same focus and before long a mild orange burst was seen beyond her closed eyelids. Slowly she opened them to see the candle had begun to grow, the flame had started to spread out, trailing across the room in a supernatural form, bending high unto the ceiling and back down. Ember’s tears had stopped, permitting their caster the time to look upon the unravelling of her mind.

 

Suddenly the door opened and Sharla walked in, dressed in her nightgown, to see her sister begin backing away in panic and amazement from the eruptive orange entity in the centre of the room.

“Ember! What’s happening!?” she shrieked, but knew all to well that something happened with candles around her sister, but this was beyond expectations or ideas of limitations. She ran over to Ember and put her hands on her face and began to stare into her eyes.

 

“Ember, stop looking at it, or it’ll probably get worse, Ember!” she shouted. Ember’s pupils gradually moved from their fixation and onto the worried freckled face of her sister.

“Sharla?!” she asked.

“Ember you were doing it again!”

“I can’t stop it Shar, I lose control of my own mind when I look at a flame, and it pulls me in and grows from my mind!” Ember exclaimed. Sharla went and hugged her sister, stroking her back to calm her down, deep down she had really begun to fear what was happening to her, it wasn’t normal. As Ember began to calm, so did the fire, retracting into the wick of the candle, but still beating in time with it’s forger’s heart.

 

“I’m not sure what’s going on Em but lately you’ve been acting very odd, first when you looked at the sun the other day, then when you were holding the crown and now this!”

 

“It might sound strange Shar but I think it has got something to do with that crown, ever since I touched it I keep having the most bizarre dreams and I wake up with the sense of not knowing what’s real after they have passed”

 

“Em, I don’t know what’s happening, but just stay away from that crown, what ever is happening might go away if you don’t provoke it, then maybe, just maybe everything will be how it was again”. Sharla replied, speaking in a quieter, less than optimistic tone mainly because Ember rarely heeded warnings, choosing to act how she wanted. Sharla felt her sister take a big sigh and she cuddled her back.

“Are you ok now Em?” she asked.

 

“I am now sis, you see, there you are helping me again, and I can’t give the same back, you’ve no idea how much that kills me inside, I’m supposed to look out for you” She whispered in Sharla’s ear.

 

Sharla pulled away and tried to comfort her fear stricken sister once again.

“We’re sisters Em, we look out for each other, and I know you can’t do as you wish, I understand, I really do…” a few seconds passed of silence between the two siblings before the younger began to speak again.

 

“Come with me, I’ve got something to show you” she whispered, pulling her sister up onto her feet. They walked out of the room to begin the descent down the creaking stairs, creeping past their sleeping mother’s room. Sharla watched as her sister walked down, noticing the candles on the wall reignite and pull in towards her slightly. She followed her Ember to the bottom where she waited for her, Sharla began to carry on down the narrow hallway.

“Go in there, I’ll join you in a short while” she whispered before continuing on into the kitchen in the back of the house whilst Ember turned to go in the dark lounge.

It was an old room full of antique furniture including an old chipped table next to the window, guarded by two equally battered looking wooden, leather backed chairs. A small chandelier hung from the ceiling and a few pictures were placed on the grey shaded striped wall where a couple of bookcases stood around the room.

Ember sat down on the settee infront of the dowsed fire, she looked at it for a second and saw the flames begin to behave differently.

“Oh no, not again” she thought to herself, she closed her eyes and tried to think of something else.

 A few moments later Sharla returned and cuddled up to her sister, handing her a hot drink she had made, and began to drink one herself.

“Thanks, Shar” Ember whispered, putting her free arm around her sister.

“So, what is it you wanted to show me?” she went on to ask.

“All in good time sis, all in good…” Sharla stopped at a sudden burst of flames from the fireplace from the smoking cinders, rushing up the chimney before settling back down.

“You really can’t control it, can you?” Sharla asked worriedly and realising her sister really was struggling with what was happening, this was before having an idea a minute or so later.

“Ok, I know what’ll take your mind away from all of this; I’ll just show you what I intended to anyway” she walked to one side of the room where she began to pull away a small drawer, markings were scraped out on the floor where the exact same procedure had happened many times before, beneath where the draw sat was a cut in the floorboards, Sharla slipped her fingers down the gap and began to pull, bringing up the floorboard. Ember got up and began to walk over to see what her sister was doing and the sight before her shocked her more than she anticipated.

“So, that’s where you keep your ‘findings’ then” she muttered.

The entire area under the floorboard was full of gold coins, jewellery, gems and multiple other things and it even spread into the space under the board following on. She did nothing but stare in amazement at everything her sister had managed to ‘collect’ from the market, but then, one item caught her attention particularly. She lifted it through the mass of gold and jewels slowly and held it in her hand; Sharla watched her sister strangely and tried to look at what she had taken.

It was an old golden ring which boasted a red gem in the top containing a spiralling pattern engraved inside it and amidst the pattern was an ancient language which Ember did not recognise. On the outside of the ring were ancient symbols like those in the gem and much like those which she saw in her dreams, yet somehow the ring itself seemed familiar to Ember, like she had seen it as of a recent time, but she could not recall.

Ember sat on the arm of the settee, mesmerised by the object’s presence, but quickly it began to feel almost as if it was burning her hand and the very pain went through her mind and in a moment of blackness appeared the face of a very young Sapphire, riddled with pain, and then she realised. This ring must have been the one the girl wore on her finger in her own dreams, perhaps it did to her what the crown had done to Ember, yet the crown was atop Sapphire’s head too, and it had to be hers, given the blue gem beneath the middle spike.

Suddenly the dreams seemed a lot more real, two objects both were in her dream, one before she even knew it existed.

 

“Sharla, do you not think you’ve taken enough, I mean I appreciate what you’re doing, but what if you get caught?” Ember asked caringly.

 

“Does the army sleep or help those who are lesser to their being? As long as they repress and neglect people such as ourselves I shall not stop, they need to see that their lust for power blinds them to what actually happens under their own noses!” Sharla replied rather philosophically, which shocked Ember even.

 

“Ok Shar, I can see your point, but just be careful, and don’t say I didn’t warn you, I only say this because I care about you sis!” she said, flicking the ring back into the pile and standing back up to help her sister move the drawer back across to cover the hidden loot.

 

“I know Em, I know, you’re just being a sister to me” a smiling Sharla said in return.

 

Together the sisters walked back upstairs and into their bedroom where they returned to their cosy duvets and lay in waiting, waiting to enter the realm which would open to them in sleep, but a very world Ember feared. However, no such dream came forth that night, and Ember had a decent nights rest for the first time in days. The next morning she was up earlier than her sister and got dressed to go down stairs. She walked into the lounge again and saw her mother stood by the window, fondling a necklace she had around her neck, an engagement necklace, given to her long ago.

“Mother?” Ember asked.

“Em, darling, is everything ok?” her mother answered.

“Yes, I…I want to ask you something” Ember said.

“Anything, my dear, what is it you want to know?” Emlyn enquired, sitting down on the settee.

“Ok, here goes, was there ever anyone called…Princess Sapphire? At all?”

Emlyn saw her daughter’s concerned look and called her over to sit next to her, taking her hand she spoke as seriously as she could ever get.

“Listen Ember, darling, you can’t go about mentioning that name around here; you could get killed for it”

“So she was real?!” Ember remarked louder than before, almost excitedly even.

“Real? Why of course she was real, but she was evil Em, pure, pure evil, not many people can wipe out an entire city and everyone who lives there, but she did, she was power-drunk because of who she was” Emlyn replied.

“Because of whom she was? She was the sun child wasn’t she?” Ember asked, hinting to her mother of the questions still yet to pass her lips, and Emlyn deep down knew all too well what was to be asked, yet she knew not how to answer her innocent, untainted daughter.

“She was, the sun child, but I don’t possibly know how you knew…” Emlyn began, but she was interrupted by Ember.

“I know because of that…thing you gave me on my fifth birthday”

“The…the crown? you haven’t touched that for twelve years, but why is that related at all to…to this Princess?” her mother proceeded to ask.

“Because the crown was hers! How could you not know!?” Ember replied, raising her voice, but this time in a more angered tone, flames flew up from the fireplace as they had done the night before, only this time the fire was ready lit which gave the ignition extra fuel.

“I don’t understand” Emlyn muttered, looking worried and shocked at the risen flame.

“That crown has been in our family for over four hundred years Ember, how can it be…hers?”

“I don’t know, but ever since I reopened that box my life has been a nightmare, I can’t control myself anymore! Any time I go near a single flame something takes over me” Ember sighed

 Her mother said nothing; she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“Mother, am…am I, a sun child?” Ember finally asked. Emlyn slowly turned to her with sorry eyes and replied softly.

“Yes you are Ember, the one born of the fifth age; we named you so because of who you are”

 

Outside in the hallway Sharla felt gravely shocked as she eavesdropped on the conversation, feeling shaken and unsure, part of what she had been taught at her school was to hate anything sun child related and to give her life to try and kill them if they are ever found, but Sharla thought no such person existed, no one remembered or taught that the sun child is born of amber hair and bright eyes. She faintly went to sit down on the bottom of the stairs.

 

“I guess I’ve just answered my own question…” Ember muttered.

“And what was that my dear? Emlyn asked.

“I was to ask why you’ve kept me locked up in this house all my life when Sharla is able to explore the world at her own free will, but now I realise it’s because of what I am!” Ember sighed, looking down in sadness.

Emlyn pulled her daughter in and hugged her tightly.

“Oh Ember, you’re not a ‘what’ you are just the same as everyone else, but people will treat you different because of who you are, they’re bound to.”

Ember suddenly realised something and lifted her head in wonder.

“What did you just say?” she asked slowly.

Emlyn began to wonder why she looked so shocked and shaken and so repeated what she said.

“I said people are bound to treat you different, because of who you are”

“What is this?!” Ember thought to herself, that exact line was spoken in her dream; something about those visions was horrifically taunting, it was obvious now that what Ember saw actually did happen, but was all she dreamt to happen within her own life?

 

“I can never let you go outside Em; I’ve kept you here for your own protection. Arzutare is the capital of a realm and country who want nothing more than to see your slain body upon your own deathbed, the gates to the outside world are too well guarded to even try and make a run for it, we’re trapped here until something is done!” Emlyn whispered sadly and softly.

 

“Have you always known who I am? The sun child I mean?” Ember asked quietly.

 

“Yes, my darling, I knew from the day you was born that you was the sun child, and although myself and your poor father were, well, shocked to say the least, but we loved you the same. If only he was here to see you now, to see you and Sharla, he’d be so proud of the young women you’ve both turned out to be” her mother sighed in reminiscing response.

 

Ember broke from the hug with her mother and went to retreat back to her bedroom to think things over.

She opened the bedroom door slowly and saw Sharla slipping into her bed, smiling sympathetically at her sister before trying to fall asleep.

 

Ember could see something was wrong and stood staring at Sharla before doing anything else. Her shadow soon hung over her sister as she bent down and kissed her on the cheek.

“I know you heard the words which were spoken, and I know you too are as mortally shocked as I, but worry not my darling sister, I’ll be fine, just like I always have been” she whispered before returning to her own bed, blowing out the abnormal candle again before trying to go to sleep herself, but that motive was not as easy as she had first thought. The notion of what and who she really was played about in her mind, trying to decipher whether it was good or bad or whether she would actually be locked away forever.

 

The morning did come, but still Ember had gotten no sleep, she lay facing her sun bleached curtains in the dim room with aching eyes, but was disturbed by a rustling across the room. She turned to see Sharla putting on her long black leather cloak over her dress, tidying her hair into a pony tail like her sisters and turned to exit, only to see her sister staring at her.

“Shar, where are you going, and this early?” Ember asked.

There was a look of mysterious and hidden darkness in her sister’s eyes for she had not retained her smile that she almost always had.

“I’m going out Em, i need some air to think!” she stated, pulling her hood up and disappearing from the room.

What Ember mistook for anger aimed towards her was actually a fully developed hatred for the Arzutarian people and what they had come to live by, Sharla now knew it was because of them that Ember had had a miserable life and lived in darkness and shadow, something had to be done.

 

An hour or so later Ember walked her silent hallway again; her mother was in the kitchen making herself a drink and didn’t notice her daughter walk into the lounge.

Ember stood before the set of drawers and looked at the markings on the floor. She firmly placed her hands around the object and began to pull it aside, quietly as she could so that her mother would not hear. Emlyn knew what Sharla got up to and knew it was a bad idea, but didn’t want to stop her daughter doing what she wanted, however she knew not where Sharla kept everything, and it was probably for the best.

 

Ember pulled up the floorboard and saw again the ring atop the pile of gold, beckoning to be held, and it’s seemingly magnetic pull drew coaxed Ember into holding it. It felt to her like she was holding a piece of Sapphire herself. Everything Sharla had taken now lay before Ember, but she desired nothing but what she held, it seemed special, more so than everything else.

She knew not what or where it had come from and if she did it would more than likely change her perception of its gold surface and red jewel. It had come from far, far away, and was indeed that which once sat on the hand of a princess, but those days were gone, within the depths of time.

 

Ember sunk the floorboard back and pulled the drawers over it once more before a strange feeling came over her, not of the relic’s doing, but of something more chilling and darker. The pain quickly returned as it had done as she stared from the upstairs windows and it gripped her hard. Her nails dug into the floorboards and her hair hung down over her face as she was nearly forced to the ground in agony. The same ringing came again and she saw the flames and cast from them she saw the face of  Sapphire again, younger and in agony, her eyes of a wild fiery nature and her hair as flame. But then suddenly everything stopped and Ember fell in exhaustion.

Feeling haunted and scared of what had happened she stood up and moved quickly out of the room and in her evasion the ring rolled from her dress, it was surprising that she heard not the metallic thud it made on the floor, rolling before settling into the light coat of dust. It raced along side her in her haste before she turned to head back up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door shut behind her.

 

Emlyn wondered what was up but presumed it was just Ember wondering about in thought of what she was told the day before. Her daughter was laying on her bed, waiting endlessly to be in the company of her sister, when unexpectedly there was a knock at the door. It was a loud knock that echoed through the old house.

“Em, stay where you are darling, it’s probably Mrs Lilion again forgetting she only spoke to me yesterday” Emlyn shouted up, moving quickly to the door, preparing herself with more sarcastic banter. She opened the door and was greeted by a sight she did not expect nor want to think of.

Stood before her was Sharla, her eye was bruised, black and shiny as was her hair. She was doubled over from pain where she had been struck in the ribs and Her hands were held together by a soldier who stood proudly behind her, his helmet sitting above the rotten doorway, shining in the sun with its black plume. Emlyn gasped at the sight, and Ember heard her and wondered what was up, but dared not to go and gander.

 

They pulled the girl aside to speak.

“Madame, the court of Lord Yllien is issuing your daughter with a severe warning after she attacked one of the guards patrolling the marketplace, she has already been punished lightly this time, but if she…”

The soldier stopped talking for a shine had stolen his gaze beyond the mortified mother. There on the hallway floor sat the ring, its majestic glimmering hardly unnoticeable, as was its rare red jewel.

“That ring! Was stolen from the market a few weeks ago! So, it now too looks like we have our thief! It indeed looks to be another painful quarrel you need girl” he exclaimed, his voice level rising as he came out of the daze cast by the small object. Sharla looked at the ring with a happy sigh and shook her head; she began to laugh, but choked a little as her ribs hurt again.

Her screamed echoed through the house and up to a scared Ember as she was punched again, hard in the back.

Ember quickly looked out of her window and saw only the soldier and then suddenly she saw a thin yet strong wrist fly backwards. In all her renewed anger Sharla spun around and smashed the soldier in the side of his head with her reddened fist, subsequently making him stumble backwards. She walked back indoors with her hands free and stood next to her mother, gazing evilly at the demoralised man.

 

“I don’t care for this country’s stupid laws, you sicken me, and the army is a disgrace to the whole of Enavyriath!” Sharla shouted.

The soldier took a heavy, relentless breath under his toiling helmet and walked forwards towards the girl who had assaulted him; his fist was clenched, ready to strike again.

Emlyn quickly stood in his path, her arms outstretched, protecting her youngest daughter.

“So this is how the army runs the country is it? With brutality, beating up children?!” Emlyn shouted, frowning deeply at the beast that had broken her child.

 

“Very well, if you are denying your daughter pays for her crimes against the state with physical punishment, she is to be taught discipline in another way. Later this day she is to be collected from here and taken to Koren Court, until her debt is paid, if you fail to comply, I will feel no remorse in having both of you left for dead!” snapped he who felt morally defeated and disappointed.

 

Ember heard the front door bolt closed and their mother cuddling Sharla, beginning to tear up. 

“Mother, what is this Koren Court of which was spoken?!” Sharla asked, unsure and dreading the answer for she had seen her mother’s reaction and it was not pleasing.

“That damned place my dear, is where dwells the thuggish army, they’re taking you to train as a soldier, to brainwash you into war!” Emlyn angrily replied, showing her extreme dislike for the very people who got her husband killed and their daughter badly hurt.

 

Ember ran quickly down the creaking stairs and unhesitantly flung her arms around her sister who stood as if she didn’t quite understand what was going on. She rested her head against Sharla’s with her tears pouring down her cheeks and onto Sharla’s cloak

“Don’t let them take you, you can’t go!” she wept.

Sharla felt her sister’s tears drip onto her and suddenly the situation hit her, breaking her down into a saddened state likewise.

“Em I’m sorry, I know should’ve listened to you!” she sobbed.

Ember held her sister and comforted her, but in her mind she was actually contemplating whether to stand up for what had come to pass, too long had she stayed in the shadows against her will, and now her sister had gotten hurt because of it, should she really act out and stop her sister being taken? It really did sound like the right thing to do, but at the same time she knew only darker things would arise from her actions.

 

Sharla looked behind her sister and saw the ring again, lying on the floor, Ember and Emlyn saw her staring and too looked around at the small object.

“They didn’t take it? Well, if they don’t want it, we might as well keep it” Sharla muttered, breaking away from Ember to pick it up.

“Typical you Shar” Ember smirked, wiping her own tears away.

“Take it Em, it’s yours” her sister whispered, but Ember refused and told her sister to keep it, to remind her of home and who she was, not to be brainwashed into mindless slaughter as the rest of the barrack dwellers had become.

 

“I suppose I better prepare” Sharla sighed, taking unto the first step of the old stairs. Upon being reminded her sister was to leave and there was an uncertainty to whether she’d come back, Ember began to tear up once more.

“C’mon Em, you can help me, I could use a hand” Sharla said, taking her sisters hand and pulling her along. Emlyn smiled at her daughters before walking into the kitchen and broke down into tears over the old wooden table before her.

 

Not too far after, Sharla had changed from her usual attire and now wore darker clothing, a knee length dress held together by frontal buckles which covered the upper part of black rugged trousers which sank into the tops of her boots. Her hair remained tied back and the ring sat upon her finger.

“I guess that’s it then” she said.

Ember walked sadly over to her little sister and stroked her thumb across her black eye before hugging her again, tighter this time than before.

“I’ll miss you so much sis” she said shakily.

“Em, don’t be upset, I’ll survive, just like you’ve managed to these past years, I’m strong like you remember!” Sharla replied, comforting her tearful older sister.

 

Emlyn passed into the room and held her arms out to hug her daughter who was soon to set off. She did not frown at Sharla’s doings, but smiled proudly at how grown up and mature she had become, and at how strong she seemed, not once begging not to be taken away, but accepted what was done was done and that was it.

“Are you not mad, mother?” she asked.

“Oh Sharla, I could never be mad at you, someone had to stand up to those thugs, I’m just sorry we brought you into a world where justice is met with pain” Emlyn sighed.

 

“You’ll be out of that place before you know it, I’ll see to that!” Ember said.

 

“Ember darling, you know you can’t be seen by anyone, you’ve just got to let this happen, it’s for both your good’s”

Ember remained silent, in her mind she was furious that again she was prohibited from helping the one she loved more than any other in the world, it killed her deep down, but she never let it show.

 

The next couple of hours were waited with sadness and anxiousness for the darkness drew near and it did come to the doorstep of the old house, and its knock echoed throughout the empty halls and vacant stairs.

 

“This is it then, the time has come” Sharla said with a hint of anxiousness.

 

The two sisters came down the stairs after their mother and watched her place her hand upon the door latch. Ember stood by the wall inside, behind an old wooden post which supported the ceiling. She held Sharla’s hand as she prepared herself for the inevitable. The door was opened to reveal what stood behind.

 

“You thugs have come to collect my daughter for brainwashing…oh sorry I meant ‘disciplinary action’ for sticking up to your disgrace of an army” Emlyn said, anger clearly burning within her eyes.

 

“You keep speaking in that tone and you’ll go as well Madame!” the larger of two soldiers said which stood at the door.

 

“Take me; you’ve already taken my husband and this girl’s father from me!” she angrily responded.

 

“So you’re a war widower, that doesn’t make a difference to our punishment system, your daughter had no right to display her anger and attack a guard doing his duty!” the smaller of the two soldiers said more sympathetically.

 

“No right eh!? Does the name Sharlon ring any bells to you?” Emlyn replied.

 

The two men obviously knew what she was talking about, yet her two daughters did not, and it was probably better that way unless both the soldiers wished to be struck down there by the two sisters. The fate of their father never really had been explained to them properly as it was sad and tragic.

 

“Just hand your daughter over Madame!” they quickly shouted, changing the subject.

 

The raised voices had caused Mrs Lilion next door to come outside to see what was happening.

“What is this noise?” she asked nosily.

“Go back inside your dwelling, we’ve had enough of this patronising, return before we throw you into a uniform too old woman!” the larger man yelled.

She did so without question, quietly closing the door behind her.

 

Sharla cuddled Ember tightly and kissed her on the cheek

“Remember who you are sis, dear I love you!” Ember whispered

Sharla could not reply in fear of the soldiers hearing her but instead smiled sadly at her before standing besides her mother, still holding Ember’s hand behind the wall.

“Sharla my darling, be strong, be like your father and do us proud, it’ll be over soon” Emlyn said, looking her youngest daughter in the eyes with pride.

The two soldiers looked at each other as the duration of the punishment was mentioned, knowingly smirking at the woman’s predicament that it will “be over soon” which not the intention was.

 

Sharla stepped out onto the doorstep and took a sigh. Her black and brown streaked hair fluttered out the door as the wind blew down the street upon her entering, and she was gone. Ember felt her hand slip from hers and was unsure if she’d ever see her beloved sister again, her only ever and best friend.

 

She looked to the ceiling in dark sadness and upon her mother attempting to comfort her she ran upstairs into the darkness of the hallways.

 

 

Comments & reviews · 1
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RacheDrache
Review

Whooooo, that was a long chapter, but I made it through!

There's something compelling about this sun child deal, an inherent "evil" growing inside these girls, or a power so strong there won't be much in the way of holding it back. That's certainly different. Usually the Chosen Ones are the ones going out to save the world from evil... much harder to do if that evil is who you are. Very intriguing concept.

I also like the parallel sibling relationships in the two stories, as well as the families fighting so hard for their daughters, even if Sapphire eventually does turn very much evil and destroys everything. Here you have all the kingdoms fighting to destroy her, and hers fighting to protect her, but even the guards...

In a way, it's so simple I kind of wonder why someone hasn't done it before, but that's how the best ideas usually are.

Anyway, critiquey stuff. The balance of information in this chapter was pretty good. I was never overwhelmed with information, but I was a bit overwhelmed with the pacing on this. Within the span of one chapter, we get Sapphire's scene with her brother, we get Ember and her growing powers, then her confusion as to what they are, then her relationship with her sister, then the revelation of what she is, then her sister gets taken...

That's a lot of major stuff happening in one chapter. It's all good stuff, but it's sort of stuffed in, and it could use some Flow in between. One option would be to break them up into smaller sections, clearly defined. Another would be to expand it out some.

A trick you might want to try is reading aloud. You'll get an idea of where things are happening too fast that way.

My other main comment was in regards to dialogue. You have a bit of a curious mix going on. One minute, your characters are speaking in an older style of English:

“Are you not mad, mother?” she asked.


And the next they're speaking in very much modern English:

“Ok, here goes, was there ever anyone called…Princess Sapphire? At all?”


It's kind of like reader whiplash. I'd recommend not using either sorts of Englishes, actually. Because realistically, these folks aren't speaking English at all, are they? We're just reading a translation. So the old-sounding English sounds silly when you think about it, since it isn't medieval England, but it's also not modern day English-speaking wherever. Both extremes make the reader sit back and think, "Wait, what?" This pulls them out of the story. So watch out for those modern, slang-y phrases, and don't shy away from the helping verb 'do' :)

Also on a note of dialogue, punctuation and tags. This handy guide here will help with the punctuation (it can get confusing to a reader very quickly if the punctuation isn't there.)

As for tags.... dialogue tags are basically the 'he said' or whatever speaking verb before, after, or during a bit of dialogue. Direct tags are actually part of the grammar of the dialogue, such as in:

“Remember who you are sis, dear I love you!” Ember whispered.


Because even though there's an exclamation point at the end of the dialogue, that whole bit is part of 'Ember whispered.' Ember whispered what? She whispered, "Remember who you are, Sis, dear, I love you!"

Indirect tags tag indirectly. They're not part of the grammar of the dialogue. They tag by association. I can't find any examples from your text, so I'll make up one:

Rachael sent Ash a shrug over the Internet. "I can't find an example in the text."

Because I'm the subject of the sentence there, it's assumed I'm also the speaker.

Now, as for why I'm mentioning it.... you have a lot of dialogue tags, and not all of them are necessary. Readers can figure out who's speaking--if you're really good, they can figure out who's speaking just by how a person says something--with indirect tags, or simple logic. So tags become words that you don't need and they contribute to making things really long.

Excess words can make things start to get bumpy and fat and bloated, especially when enough of them add up, so we don't want that.

And there's also another thing related to dialogue tags you might want to know about: adverbs. Because you have a lot of these in your tags, and getting rid of adverbs in tags (and in general, actually) is one of the fastest, easiest things you can do to make your writing better instantly. The reason is that adverbs are big, fat, telling words. They tell a reader how something is done, rather than showing the reader.

Such as.... here:

Take me; you’ve already taken my husband and this girl’s father from me!” she angrily responded.


You can tell from the circumstances, and from what Emlyn says, that Emlyn is really angry. So saying that she responded angrily is... unnecessary. And takes away the credibility of the dialogue itself, if that makes sense. And the same more or less goes for nearly all adverbs, especially in tags. You don't need 'em, so why have 'em?

And... that's it! Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach

wooah thanks! helpful indeed. it sounds so good for someone to be analysing the characters, no one has ever done that for me. to be fair i was too surprised when i found out this had never been done (or similar)

one thing i'm worried about is making it too long, i have thought about overflowing the content into more chapters, but to do so i would be leveling with a hefty 200,000 almost and i'm not sure how publishers would take it so i may need help seeing what to cut down on.

also i definately see what you mean about speech tage, i'll be honest, dialogue isn't my strong point and i do struggle with this speech tagging business. my problem being i'm too afraid of people not getting what the story is about and mistaking who is saying who, so i will try and look into this.

in terms of the language, what you are looking at is two paralleling relationships a thousand years apart, it's much like the english language has evolved over such a period, Ember and Sharla's conversations would be more modern, Whereas Sapphire and Fehrnire speak the same dialect only a much older type, but if it does get too confusing i can change it, if it gets too wierd for the reader.

once again thanks SO much for reviewing this, it really is helping, thank you!
i'm beginning to see where i'm going wrong now and where i need to improve!



You have to be a bit of a liar to tell a story the right way.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind