As the last meteor fell across the dark sky above the Comicon, a sudden tingling went throughout my body, my face began to rip in half and I let out a scream of agony as my mouth continued to rip across my cheeks. Screams punctuated the silence around me as our voices joined together and twined before lifting towards the heavens speaking the pain we were going through. The pain in my face slowly dissolved to a dull throbbing and I lifted my right hand to my cheek to feel along the gapping opening in my cheeks, as I felt along the opening, I felt something stab into my cheek, just below my cheekbone. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a string wind itself in and out of my cheek, as it got closer to my hand, I had to move it so it wouldn’t get sewn to my face.
Huh, I thought, that would be kinda funny. And my mind went to imagining a T-rex with it’s arms kept by its face where it fell over and couldn’t get up, I laughed out loud at the image.
A sudden weight fell on my shoulders and my knees began to buckle before I stumbled and grabbed onto a trash can near me. I opened up the trench coat around my shoulders and peered inside to be greeted with the sight up grenades, smoke bombs, a few knifes and small guns. I patted myself down from my top to my waist and discovered a few more pockets then I remembered seeing. I twisted my head around and discovered all of my clothing had shrunk to fit my body, along with the 4 inch thick combat boots laced to my feet. I reached for my hair and realized in horror that it was green and had been sewn onto my head with another small string. As I brought my hands back down to eye level, I was startled by the sight of my black hands before seeing a thread hanging off and breathing in relief that they were only gloves.
A liquid suddenly pooled inside the gloves and spilled out, staining the hard speckled concrete floor below me in a rusty colour as a pennie smell wafted up and into my nose. I looked down at my hands again, my mind numb before my brain recognize what it meant.
“Oh,” I breathed in somewhat shock, “this must be what they mean by blood on your hands.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
First of all, let me say that the line " And my mind went to imagining a T-rex with it’s arms kept by its face where it fell over and couldn’t get up, I laughed out loud at the image." nearly made me pee myself. You're quite funny. However, I think most people would be freaking out in this situation and not cracking jokes.
This seems more like a short story than a chapter. Maybe it could be a prologue. Is that what you meant for it to be? A short story?
You could be a little more creative with the title. As a writer, I understand how hard it can be to name our work. But just try to think on it a little more.
I liked this story. It's very creative. Keep writing, girl!! You have great ideas!
Have an amazing day/night!! Jesus loves you!!
Until The End And Beyond
-Ari
It is going to be a short story, but this is only half of it. I have the other half on my way! I'm glad you liked the dino part! I had hopped that someone would laugh!
Hi ^^ CoffeeCat here to review ~
The beginning sentence immediately tells the reader what, where and who is involved in this story, setting the stage without any confusion. This abruptness, along with the imagery that soon follows, creates a very shocking and horrific tone, which is great if that's what you're going for — and it certainly seems you are!
One thing I noticed was a lack of full stops (periods) in certain places. Here are some corrections if you'd like them:
I would replace the comma after "body" with a full stop to begin a new sentence.
A full stop to replace the comma after "opening".
Replace the comma after "cheek" with a full stop... or, if you felt like being extra cool, you could instead replace the comma with a semicolon (one of these ; ).
Overall a vivid and interesting first paragraph! Immediately I want to know why this shocking scene is happening — you've hooked your reader!
Again, there is a full stop needed. Replace the comma after "up".
Ooh, the starting sentence of the third paragraph works really effectively without the use of any commas. It aligns with what's happening in the story, and it's little details like this that make a piece of writing stand out, I think.
I suspect you meant to write the word "that" instead of "then".
Wow, for a second there I thought this was getting really metaphysical and dreamlike towards the end of the third paragraph, which was interesting in itself, but I found it just as fine when it turned out not to be the case. This written work certainly takes the reader on a journey.
I would recommend putting a full stop after "off" and beginning the next sentence with "I breathe out, relieved that they were only gloves."
I've never known of the word "pennie" before. It might be my personal ignorance, but could you have perhaps meant the word "penny"? As in the coin?
Whoa! What a great last line to end the written piece! That's killer, right there.
Okay, so after reading this all the way through, the main potential improvements that jumped out are the overuse of commas where there should instead be full stops, and the lack of consistent plot. The chapter/story is short, so it is easier to not form a cohesive plot in this amount of words... however by the end of the story, despite its glaringly clear beginning, I found myself still not really knowing what happened, and feeling like it didn't progress in any notable way. Sure, it was an interesting journey, and I enjoyed watching the story unfold in surprising ways, but if your goal is to create a story that will continue to engage the person reading it, this absence of consistency could end up being a bad thing.
All-in-all though, the writing has a lot of energy and imagination, which really propel the story onwards. I hope my feedback has been helpful to you in some way. Keep up the good writing!
— Coffee
Thank you so much! I'll make sure I apply it to the next part!