this is my first poem. It doesnt follow any specifications, this is free verse.
I think
My characteristics,
I depict as a bundled up entanglement of human nature
Death - life for they are one and the same
adversaries with much more in common than understanding
They develop humankind
sculpting our culture through flowing hills and definite mountains
striking statements and abrupt phrases
One and the same
My life is a network of emotions
Negative and positive
does that make them equal
No, alternatively they brawl throughout my continuance
My day may be gloomy and clouded
But I mustn't dwell on it
Taking my time as if it shall be my definitive seconds
Drawing breaths as they may be my final
While other days are joyful
bright colors swirling around my heart
For it is beating with passion
progressing towards the finish line
Step by step my day is as good as it shall get
Then it trips
the eclipse takes over
my feelings confined in a box
swelling up, trying to break loose
I cry for help
but a voice does not enquire
My lungs full of smoke
I can't breathe
I try to yell
But all those willing to help see a boy
That boy has a good life
But that's not the truth
I'm here standing on my podium
Being judged
fighting with two characters
Myself and society
all they see is where I am
not what I went through
I fall distant into this Darknes
until my feelings break free
They were enclosed by lock and key
Like yen and yang
Love unlocks my heart
emotions pour throughout My life
Those at which I can never describe
They say I'm young
I haven't experienced life
I'm a male with white privilege
To society, I'm merely a vessel of good fortune
I was born with the least of problems
Yet society never fails to be even inaccurat
Is "white privilege" a good thing
Is this "white privilege" An abyss of darkness and anxiety
If it is I feel bad for those who haven't the privilege
Yet love is like a lock and key
It is our savior
Everyone finds love
Yet they believe they are in desperate need of it
Its a feeling bound by emotions
to find the love you must release this emotion
Whilst bound by this lock
We can't find our selves
Love is pain, Hatred, hope, and faith
Love is neutral from life and death
This makes it useless and needed
One and the same
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Hey there!
This is quite an interesting poem. You use different comparisons, which make the poem more enjoyable to read. I liked you comparing yourself to "a vessel of good fortune" and how you're standing on a podium being judged. These comparisons made your poem flavourful. I have a few things I'd like to point out, if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!
The first thing I'd like to mention is the poem's message. Maybe I just missed it, but this pome was a bit confusing to me. I felt like it jumped subjects, and the ending seemed to convey a different message than the beginning of this poem. I may be missing something though, but I just thought I'd let you know that it was a bit confusing.
The next thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now, your poem is a block of text, which can look intimidating. I'd recommend dividing your poem into stanzas to make this an easier read and more enjoyable.
The next thing I'd like to mention is line length. You have many different line lengths; some are pretty long, some pretty short, and some are in between. I'd recommend being consistent in your line length to give your poem a neater look. You can do this by diving longer lines or combining shorter lines.
The next thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. I couldn't find any consistent capitalization. You capitalized the beginning of many lines, but some lines, you didn't. Then in some areas, you'd capitalize a word in the middle of the lines, like in these two places:
I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization. Also, in this line particularly,
I get that you can capitalize "Hatred" in order to personify it, but I'm curious as to why you didn't capitalize the other words then: pain, hope, and faith? I think this is another place you could be more consistent.
I believe you meant "yin and yang"
It should be "ourselves" since it's one word.
Overall, I think this is a cool idea and good start, and I hope this review helped!
Legacy here,
I won't dwell too much about the formatting since it was already mentioned in another review but it was very difficult for me to read the block of text with the pretext that it was supposed to be a poem.
I notice that you put periods where you want a pause, even if you didn't complete your thought. You could fix this with formatting where you start a new line where you want a pause.
I would also recommend going over your vocabulary and using some stronger words. A specific example is where you say "yet society never fails to be even wronger" should be reworded since it doesn't make much sense.
I love the ideas that you were trying to communicate but once you reformat and make grammatical edits I could love to reread it so I could re-review it for content instead of just for aesthetic and grammar.
I hope I wasn't harsh and that this was helpful. Legacy out.
I have taken the Suggestions from the comments and fixed all that and believe I have fixed all of those issues
I love the new formatting, it's much easier to read.
Thank you
Legacy here,
I won't dwell too much about the formatting since it was already mentioned in another review but it was very difficult for me to read the block of text with the pretext that it was supposed to be a poem.
I notice that you put periods where you want a pause, even if you didn't complete your thought. You could fix this with formatting where you start a new line where you want a pause.
I would also recommend going over your vocabulary and using some stronger words. A specific example is where you say "yet society never fails to be even wronger" should be reworded since it doesn't make much sense.
I love the ideas that you were trying to communicate but once you reformat and make grammatical edits I could love to reread it so I could re-review it for content instead of just for aesthetic and grammar.
I hope I wasn't harsh and that this was helpful. Legacy out.
Hello there,
If I seem rude or anything, tell me please.
Okay, this is long and it rambles between topics and ideas, so I'd stick with one throughout. A paragraph is used to separate thoughts, but I don't see any of those. Here is what a paragraph is, "A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea. A paragraph consists of one or more sentences." The use of these would help greatly. I only see big chunks of word, which is not ideal to most people.
This has a lot of errors in it, so I suggest a program to search for any mistakes, or just proofread it on your own. I see over 20 mistakes and that is at a first glance. I could probably find more, so what i suggest would help in so many ways. Capitalizing in the middle of sentences is also incorrect.
I also don't think this is a poem. A free verse poem is usually formatted and not bulked up in one paragraph. It really shouldn't even be in a paragraph. Free verse poetry doesn't follow rules, but it is still treated like a poem, not a short story.
Have a good day,
Haley
Thank you, I noticed that and I'm going to reformat it. I appreciate your review.
any criticism negative or positive is excepted because I want to further myself as a writer through the community.