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How I would describe my feels

by TheStreamLights


this is my first poem. It doesnt follow any specifications, this is free verse.

I think

My characteristics,

I depict as a bundled up entanglement of human nature

Death - life for they are one and the same

adversaries with much more in common than understanding

They develop humankind

sculpting our culture through flowing hills and definite mountains

striking statements and abrupt phrases

One and the same

My life is a network of emotions

Negative and positive

does that make them equal

No, alternatively they brawl throughout my continuance

My day may be gloomy and clouded

But I mustn't dwell on it

Taking my time as if it shall be my definitive seconds

Drawing breaths as they may be my final

While other days are joyful

bright colors swirling around my heart

For it is beating with passion

progressing towards the finish line

Step by step my day is as good as it shall get

Then it trips

the eclipse takes over

my feelings confined in a box

swelling up, trying to break loose

I cry for help

but a voice does not enquire

My lungs full of smoke

I can't breathe

I try to yell

But all those willing to help see a boy

That boy has a good life

But that's not the truth

I'm here standing on my podium

Being judged

fighting with two characters

Myself and society

all they see is where I am

not what I went through

I fall distant into this Darknes

until my feelings break free

They were enclosed by lock and key

Like yen and yang

Love unlocks my heart

emotions pour throughout My life

Those at which I can never describe

They say I'm young

I haven't experienced life

I'm a male with white privilege

To society, I'm merely a vessel of good fortune

I was born with the least of problems

Yet society never fails to be even inaccurat

Is "white privilege" a good thing

Is this "white privilege" An abyss of darkness and anxiety

If it is I feel bad for those who haven't the privilege

Yet love is like a lock and key

It is our savior

Everyone finds love

Yet they believe they are in desperate need of it

Its a feeling bound by emotions

to find the love you must release this emotion

Whilst bound by this lock

We can't find our selves

Love is pain, Hatred, hope, and faith

Love is neutral from life and death

This makes it useless and needed

One and the same


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54 Reviews


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Wed Jul 01, 2020 5:37 pm
StarlitMind wrote a review...



Hey there!
This is quite an interesting poem. You use different comparisons, which make the poem more enjoyable to read. I liked you comparing yourself to "a vessel of good fortune" and how you're standing on a podium being judged. These comparisons made your poem flavourful. I have a few things I'd like to point out, if you don't mind. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!

The first thing I'd like to mention is the poem's message. Maybe I just missed it, but this pome was a bit confusing to me. I felt like it jumped subjects, and the ending seemed to convey a different message than the beginning of this poem. I may be missing something though, but I just thought I'd let you know that it was a bit confusing.

The next thing I'd like to mention is stanzas. Right now, your poem is a block of text, which can look intimidating. I'd recommend dividing your poem into stanzas to make this an easier read and more enjoyable.

The next thing I'd like to mention is line length. You have many different line lengths; some are pretty long, some pretty short, and some are in between. I'd recommend being consistent in your line length to give your poem a neater look. You can do this by diving longer lines or combining shorter lines.

The next thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. I couldn't find any consistent capitalization. You capitalized the beginning of many lines, but some lines, you didn't. Then in some areas, you'd capitalize a word in the middle of the lines, like in these two places:

emotions pour throughout My life


Is this "white privilege" An abyss of darkness and anxiety


I recommend remaining consistent in your capitalization. Also, in this line particularly,

Love is pain, Hatred, hope, and faith


I get that you can capitalize "Hatred" in order to personify it, but I'm curious as to why you didn't capitalize the other words then: pain, hope, and faith? I think this is another place you could be more consistent.

Like yen and yang


I believe you meant "yin and yang"

We can't find our selves


It should be "ourselves" since it's one word.

Overall, I think this is a cool idea and good start, and I hope this review helped! :)




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138 Reviews


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Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:57 am
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Thisislegacy says...



Legacy here,

I won't dwell too much about the formatting since it was already mentioned in another review but it was very difficult for me to read the block of text with the pretext that it was supposed to be a poem.

I notice that you put periods where you want a pause, even if you didn't complete your thought. You could fix this with formatting where you start a new line where you want a pause.

I would also recommend going over your vocabulary and using some stronger words. A specific example is where you say "yet society never fails to be even wronger" should be reworded since it doesn't make much sense.

I love the ideas that you were trying to communicate but once you reformat and make grammatical edits I could love to reread it so I could re-review it for content instead of just for aesthetic and grammar.

I hope I wasn't harsh and that this was helpful. Legacy out.






I have taken the Suggestions from the comments and fixed all that and believe I have fixed all of those issues



Thisislegacy says...


I love the new formatting, it's much easier to read. :)





Thank you



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138 Reviews


Points: 508
Reviews: 138

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Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:57 am
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Thisislegacy wrote a review...



Legacy here,

I won't dwell too much about the formatting since it was already mentioned in another review but it was very difficult for me to read the block of text with the pretext that it was supposed to be a poem.

I notice that you put periods where you want a pause, even if you didn't complete your thought. You could fix this with formatting where you start a new line where you want a pause.

I would also recommend going over your vocabulary and using some stronger words. A specific example is where you say "yet society never fails to be even wronger" should be reworded since it doesn't make much sense.

I love the ideas that you were trying to communicate but once you reformat and make grammatical edits I could love to reread it so I could re-review it for content instead of just for aesthetic and grammar.

I hope I wasn't harsh and that this was helpful. Legacy out.




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Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:03 am
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JesseWrites wrote a review...



Hello there,

If I seem rude or anything, tell me please.

Okay, this is long and it rambles between topics and ideas, so I'd stick with one throughout. A paragraph is used to separate thoughts, but I don't see any of those. Here is what a paragraph is, "A paragraph is a self-contained unit of a discourse in writing dealing with a particular point or idea. A paragraph consists of one or more sentences." The use of these would help greatly. I only see big chunks of word, which is not ideal to most people.

This has a lot of errors in it, so I suggest a program to search for any mistakes, or just proofread it on your own. I see over 20 mistakes and that is at a first glance. I could probably find more, so what i suggest would help in so many ways. Capitalizing in the middle of sentences is also incorrect.

I also don't think this is a poem. A free verse poem is usually formatted and not bulked up in one paragraph. It really shouldn't even be in a paragraph. Free verse poetry doesn't follow rules, but it is still treated like a poem, not a short story.

Have a good day,
Haley






Thank you, I noticed that and I'm going to reformat it. I appreciate your review.



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Tue Jun 30, 2020 12:33 am
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TheStreamLights says...



any criticism negative or positive is excepted because I want to further myself as a writer through the community.





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss