z

Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

House Red - Chapter 1: Preparations

by TheSparringPanther


Keep in mind, reading the prologue is required to understand this chapter, and the following few. 

Thank you for reading in advance!

~~

I throw away my cigarette and tuck away my phone. She is here. From around the corner, a Bharartian girl - Bharat being the name of the Sub-Asian unified nation composed of the regions Pakistan, India and Bangladesh - runs up to me. About 9 minutes late. On the clock. She always misses this train when we meet.

‘Sorry I’m late, president!’ she manages to let out through her panting. I couldn’t find you in this crowd, even if you’re wearing your white jacket.’ she tried to catch her breath. Her name is Priya. Just yesterday I was hiding a corpse in my room, today I’m meeting with a girl. Such is life.

‘How so?’ I ask. Of course, I already know the answer.

‘Well, our boys always wear black, while girls wear white! So it’s really easy to find a guy wearing white!’ she said while turning back to the busy crowd on the shopping street. ‘Well, it is supposed to be.’

Yes, in Bharatian culture, your outermost garb is either black or white, black for boys, white for girls. As such, black is associated with manliness, while white is associated with womanliness. This girl, of who I know is a dedicated Hindu, in turn, associates me with the girly color white. Not only her, but my parents too, and most of my Bharatian friends. They probably associate me with being gay, or actually being gay.

Having my parents think I’m gay – they can't really bring it up, now can they? – has tremendous advantages. I can bring up girls till really late, and my parents won’t suspect a thing. I can be having my way with them, and they won’t think anything of it. This is because they, as devout followers themselves, think that I’m too womanly to actually do anything with the girls. And of course I, of all people, can’t be smart enough to actually act gay and put up with the theatrics in front of everybody. They are so terribly simple-minded.

Anyway, the idea is that this girl also thinks of me like this. Fool. That ‘ll be the end of her. Probably.

‘You said you were looking for some lingerie right?’ I ask her.

‘Yes, tomorrow, Thursday, will be the 1 year anniversary of my relationship with Tuzak, I’d like to wear something special.’ she responded.

‘Oh, will you be there tomorrow then?’ I shoot back, confirming my suspicions.

‘I’ll be missing the Thursday evening meeting as I’ll be on my way back to the city. Sorry,’ she giggled.

‘Ah, no worries. That night I can’t be there either,’ I say.

‘Oh, do you have a date with someone?’ Priya pokes back.

‘Yeah, with Ben,’ I let on. 

‘Is that short for Bena?’ A common Bharatian name for girls.

‘No, just Ben,’ I smile.

‘Oh, a guy?’ she replies curiously.

‘Oh, we’re here,’ I cut the conversation off, still smiling. But yes. Ben and I will be on a date. Thursday, as it so happens to be.

She looks along the rails of stacked with lingerie, and picks a white model.

I carefully inspect the rails myself.

‘No, this black model looks fabulous,’ I say, holding up a nightdress. It’s almost too easy.

‘You think?’ she grins.

‘Yeah, you’d kill it girl,’ That last part came out awkwardly. But the point is clear. Throughout the year, since our committee started – the one I happen to be the president off – I’ve been meeting with her and feeding her hints that I might be gay. That's important considering that her parents meet my parents a lot. It's a culture thing, so to say. She enters the changing room. The next few moments would be deciding. Does my Bharatian circle of family and friends think I’m gay enough?

I waited patiently. Then, came out of the dressing room a well-figured Bharatian teenage girl. Excellent. No way she'd come out with barely any clothing on while having a boyfriend, if she didn't think I wouldn't go for her. 

‘How do I look?’ she looked at her equally beautiful reflection. ‘Will he like this?’

‘Yeah, he’ll like that,’ I smile back while moving my hands along her curves to see if it all fits well. Let me tell you, it was fitting well. In my reflection I could see the other guys in the store, here with their girlfriends I assume, checking out Priya as well.

‘I wish I were gay,’ I hear a slightly tanned guy say in the background.

‘You know what, I’ll pay for this,’ I tell her. It’s the least I can do for her.

‘Really? Benz, you are amazing!’ she cheers as she walks back into the fitting room.

‘Will you be wearing the red dress and high heels I suggested?’ I ask her as she emerges back from the dressing room. I wish my girlfriend was that quick.

‘Yeah, of course, if you say it looks good, it is, right?’ she cheerfully replies.

I’m getting good at this.

After having lunch and wandering around a little, we decide to go home.

‘And you have fun with Ben, pres!’ she says.

‘Oh, I’ll introduce the two you soon!’ I reply while waving.

As I walked back to the garage where my car is, I’m called. A code number.

‘House Red. Benz speaking,’ I smilingly say. I know who it is. Alexei, the number 2 of House Red. The right hand of our boss.

‘House Red. It’s Alexei,’ The Russian voice said on the other side of the line. On paper he’s not from Russia, he’s from Belarus. But his parents were migrants, and he likes being called Russian better, so who cares.

‘Why are you calling? I thought go-time wasn’t until Saturday,’ I try to sound surprised, or annoyed, or some kind of mix, but if you already know why you’re being called, it’s just too hard to sound genuine. It’s like knowing you’re getting a surprise party.

‘The assassin from yesterday. Her body has been found, and it’s being brought in here for inspection by tonight. We’ll need you there,’ He says. There’s something very demanding about this Russian accent. Makes me feel like going.

‘Who killed her?’ I ask.

‘Ben will inform us later, the body along with the rest of the supplies will be flown in tonight. Make sure you don't miss the plane, Ben,’ He finished. More authority imposed. His accent is noticeable, but his grammar is very sound. 

‘I won’t. Ben and I will be picking up the supplies later, so we’ll probably arrive together at the airport. See you then, Alexei,’ I hang up the phone.

I deserve another cigarette for this.

Later that night Ben and I find ourselves in a sub-urban neighborhood, hiding between a few trees. It’s very quiet out. Most people in this neighborhood probably aren’t home at this time of the day. Young, ambitious couples often eat out during weekdays since they’re so dedicated to their work. Well, no matter, our target will be here soon.

Suddenly, while lost in thought, I’m poked in my side.

‘Red dress, black heels, she’s here!’ The a bit too cheerful brunette next to me says.

‘That’s her alright,’ I confirm. ‘Prepare the body bag.’

‘No, you do that, I’ll shoot,’ She insists. ‘I know what the wound is supposed to look like.’

‘As long as you don’t mess up, fine,’ I say as I search for a black, spacious bag in the darkness. It’s cloudy, so it’s hard to find if you don’t know it’s exact location.

As soon as I turn around, Ben is gone from her spot. I notice she has sneaked around the yard we were hiding in, and sneaked behind Priya. Dressed in black, approaching the dressed for date night girl in the red dress, Ben pulls out a gun from behind her, puts it on her back, and before Priya knows what hit her... Bang.

The silencer-equipped firearm shoots a hole through the heart of Priya. I immediately look for the bullet. Excellent. All as planned. No evidence will be left. And the wound on her body will be almost identical to the one on the body of my would-be assassin. 

Before a drop of blood hits the ground, I run over and catch Priya in the bag.

‘B-Benz?’ she whispers with her last breath.

‘I told you you’d be meeting Ben soon,’ I whisper back. ‘That’s her.’

Even this dimwit understood what had just happened to her. She had been liquidated.

I sign Ben to help me move the body.

‘Wait,’ The otherwise cheerfully girl suddenly froze on the spot. ‘Benz, this plan doesn’t work if she isn’t wearing black undergarments.’

‘Why don’t you check what’s under her dress?’

The girl lifted the dress slightly, where the bullet wound was located. A little blood was still dripping, but was sapling down in the bag, so it wouldn’t stain the ground. The bullet was large enough to kill, but small enough to be subtle.

‘Oh, she’s wearing black under her dress,’ Ben commented. ‘I should have known you would think this far ahead. You either seduced her or you let her think you're gay, which one is it?’ she chuckled.

‘I was wearing white today,’ I respond grinning as we fold her body and lift the bag off the ground. ‘This sort of thing only works on a certain group of people.’

When the body was finally loaded in the van, Bentley – otherwise known as Ben – closed the doors and walked over to me.

‘Never thought this would actually work,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how, but you managed to do it. Now comes the hard part.’

Yes. There had been a point behind all this. See, my assassin so happens to be a girl of Bharatian descent. For my next plan, I required a body which looked very similar to my would-be assassin – hence Priya. As the president of the storage club – that’s an actual club, we’re in charge of managing the storage of supplies of other clubs – I’m supposed to be in touch with many people.

One of them happens to be this girl. With my status as both a good student and a known president, it was easy to convince this girl to come lingerie shopping with me since she thought I wouldn’t be attracted to her anyhow. It is all about meeting conditions. If she’s wearing lingerie, it’s easy to check if the body types are at all similar. They so happened to be.

Had this failed, I had a few other candidates in mind I could have met the same day. If all else failed, I’d probably have killed my sister, the next best option since she’s similar in build and height.

‘So now we have this body here, and the assassins body over at the airport. Have you thought this through?’ Bentley asked me one last time.

‘Yes,’ I assured her. ‘Let’s go pick up the rest of the supplies over at the storage.’

‘Amazing how we can just stash away the needed machinery at your club. Won’t anyone notice?’ Bentley asked while starting up the car. 

‘As the president I can pick whoever I want to be in the council. I just picked a few good looking girls, they don’t even have keys to the storage room,’ I reply absent minded.

‘Guess not. We were able to hide the body of the assassin there for a few hours. We could even regulate the temperature to tamper with the rigor mortis,’ Ben said.

‘Less talking, more focusing on the road,’ I replied.

After about 20 minutes of driving, Bentley started up the conversation again. ‘So how did you know she was wearing this stuff anyway? I get that you suggested the black undergarment, but that she would actually wear it this night...’

‘She turned 18 tonight. She was going to celebrate with her boyfriend, if you catch my drift. Once I found that out, it was easy to target and manipulate her. A few suggestions did the trick,’ I say while texting Alexei that we are on our way.

‘Won’t he be missing her?’ Ben finally asked.

‘Well, for a few days tops. After we’re done we can throw the body out somewhere and shove the blame on him. No worries,’ I grin.

The preparations are complete.

~~

Down a few blocks, Benz spots the parents of Priya stepping out of their car, probably returning from work.

‘Isn’t that Benz?’ The father asks his wife.

‘Where? In that van?’ she replies as the van drives by. ‘Unlikely, a good boy like him wouldn’t drive in something that.’

‘Yeah, true. By the way, Priya mentioned he might be on the other side of the fence, you know?’

‘Oh, well. If that’s all, there’s no harm done, is there?’ The mother concluded. Suddenly, her phone rang.

‘Uh, hello?’ Priya’s mother asked. ‘Who am I speaking with?’

‘Yes, this is Priya’s boyfriend. Do you know where she is? She was supposed to be here about 30 minutes ago, and she’s not responding to my calls.’ Tuzak, Priya's boyfriend asked distressed. 

Confused, the mother could reply with nothing more than the truth.

‘No, I have no idea where Priya is,’ She said. 


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Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:35 pm
Dragongirl wrote a review...



Hello, hello, hello! Dragongirl reporting for duty as requested!

I have not read the prologue to this so if I make unnecessary comments or suggests I do apologize. Right off the bat I will say I really don't know what to make of your main character. I am unsure of what I am suppose to think.

He is hard, cruel, quite frankly, fails to be human. He is impossible for me as a reader to relate to or connect with. If this is what you are going for, awesome. If not, hmmm. The only emotion that Benz shows is contempt for others. Characters are what drive a story and, in all honestly, I can barely stand Benz. If you have contempt in a character, you have to balance it out with something else or you better give a good reason why this student, with both parents and a sister, feels such a lack of emotion.

If he is simply a psychopath, entertain us with his crazy thoughts. Currently, your main character's thoughts are 2D. They need to pop out at the readers, or drag us in deeper. They have to be more than simply what is happening at the moment or him thinking how stupid or annoying others are otherwise your readers will become bored.

Sorry, I got off on a rabbit trail there, but I think you can see what I am saying. :)

So I had a few spots regarding the actually writing.

She is here. From around the corner, a Bharartian girl - Bharat being the name of the Sub-Asian unified nation composed of the regions Pakistan, India and Bangladesh - runs up to me.


This explanation of Bharat is unnecessary. Saying she is Bharatian is enough. The reader doesn't really need a geography lesson, unless Bharat is going to play a important part in your story all your description of Bharat does is mess with the flow of your story. Instead describe the girl here. If she looks Asian that's gonna be enough for your readers.

About 9 minutes late.


Numbers under 100 are spelled.

‘Sorry I’m late, president!’ she manages to let out through her panting. (quotation mark need here.) I couldn’t find you in this crowd, even if you’re wearing your white jacket.’


‘Well, our boys always wear black, while girls wear white! So it’s really easy to find a guy wearing white!’ she said while turning back to the busy crowd on the shopping street. ‘Well, it is supposed to be.’

Yes, in Bharatian culture, your outermost garb is either black or white, black for boys, white for girls.


You are simply restating what you have already explained through dialogue with this line. I would just cut it.

‘Yes, tomorrow, Thursday, will be the 1 year anniversary of my relationship with Tuzak,


Again, numbers under 100 are spelled.


‘Ben will inform us later, the body along with the rest of the supplies will be flown in tonight. Make sure you don't miss the plane, Ben,’ He finished.


Two Bens, yikes. That is going to be a nightmare to keep straight. I know they are both shortening of the actual names but I might consider changing one of the Bens names to something less...you know.. Ben-ish. :0)

Down a few blocks, Benz spots the parents of Priya stepping out of their car, probably returning from work.

‘Isn’t that Benz?’ The father asks his wife.


Someone wrote in their review that they thought you should not change from first person view point to third. I disagree. I like the different view point. It's great for this scene. The only thing that could make it work better would be for you to remove Benz point of view from it completely. Remove Benz spots and you will be good as gold.

I am very sorry if I have been to harsh. Your writing does create a vivid picture for the reader and I appreciated the way you have jumped right into the action.

I liked this line.

‘Yeah, you’d kill it girl,’ That last part came out awkwardly.


I chuckled here.

‘Is that short for Bena?’ A common Bharatian name for girls.


Totally is realistic of how girls pry. ;)

You have talent. Keep writing, looks like you have an action packed story here just raving to go! :)

-DG




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Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:35 pm



I thank you all for your reactions, I look forward to posting chapter 2 :)




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Fri Apr 24, 2015 4:40 am
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WaltzingDreams wrote a review...



Heyo, here's your Waltzing Review!

Yeah, reading the A/N in the beginning, of course I went back and read the prologue. Should I leave a review there, I didn't know if you wanted me to. :/
I'll start off with the nitpicks before saying what I liked in this work.

One thing is that, did you mention where the setting of this story is? As in a country?

‘Sorry I’m late, president!’ She manages to let out through her panting. I couldn’t find you in this crowd, even if you’re wearing your white jacket.’
Quotation on "I couldn't find..." Is this really your style of putting in dialogue? I mean through single quotation marks (' ') instead of double quotation marks? (" ")

Not just she, but my parents too. And most of my Bharatian friends.
Not just...her or better yet, 'not only her...' 'And most of my Bharatian friends.' Fragment, connect with previous sentence.

Having my parents think I’m gay – no idea what their thoughts are on it, they can’t actually suggest and ask it, now can they? – has tremendous advantages.
Maybe you should add, '...think I'm gay--I have no idea..." or revise it... : "--I have no idea what (they think about it/their thoughts about it are)..." Redundant on the "they can't actually suggest and ask it, now can they?" part. Try, 'they can't actually bring it up, now can they?' or try removing either 'suggest' or 'ask' there.

This because they, as devout followers themselves,
This is because...

‘Yes, tomorrow, Thursday, will be the 1 year anniversary of my relationship with Tuzak, I’d like to wear something special.’ She responded.
'...of my relationship with Tuzak, I’d like to wear something special,’ she responded.

Uh, not to put your hopes down, but when we say fitting lingerie, store people don't actually let customers fit them. It's unhygienic, unless it's like a sexy lace nightdress or something that's not actually underwear. In this case, specify what type of lingerie

Down a few blocks, Benz spots the parents of Priya stepping out of their car, probably returning from work.

‘Isn’t that Benz?’ The father asks mother.

‘Where? In that van?’ She replies as the van drives by. ‘Unlikely, a good boy like him wouldn’t drive in something that.’

‘Yeah, true. By the way, Priya mentioned he might be on the other side of the fence, you know?’

‘Oh, well. If that’s all, there’s no harm done, is there?’ The mother concluded. Suddenly, her phone rang.

‘Uh, hello?’ Priya’s mother asked. ‘Who am I speaking with?’

‘Yes, this is Priya’s boyfriend. Do you know where she is? She was supposed to be here about 30 minutes ago, and she’s not responding to my calls.’ Tuzak, Priya's boyfriend asked distressed.

Confused, the mother could reply with nothing more than the truth.

‘No, I have no idea where Priya is,’ She said.

Here in this last scene, you suddenly shifted to the third person's POV. I think you should have an indication when you're shifting POVs, like a line break or a centered subtitle that says that the following would be in the third person.

You already got the 'quote-dialogue-comma/question mark/exclamation point-unquote' formula, but you've missed the capitalization part. Only capitalize the next word if you're no longer describing the dialogue; meaning, if it ends in a Qmark or exclamation point, don't capitalize it unless it's a new sentence, unconnected to the dialogue.
Like:
‘No, you do that, I’ll shoot,’ She insists.
'she' should not be capitalized.

Another thing I've noticed was that you keep on capitalizing 'She' when you quote in dialogues regardless if its a question or not. You shouldn't (because that psychologically means something to you in real life).

---End of Nitpicks---

What I thought of this story, it's really exciting, actually.
I'm a sucker for dark bad boys! Which is why I admit that Benz's character piques my interest so much.The character development was nice, but it would be better if you described how he looked like physically so all your readers would imagine him the same way.

And, like what the others had commented, I feel the same about you changing this to an action genre instead of a suspense. If you wanted it to be a suspense, however, wording and the 3rd person POV could help. I expect a lotta action scenes here, so make it good!

Promising story! Good Luck with writing the next chapters! (and don't rush it for the sake of the readers, cuz we appreciate quality.)

-Waltzing :)






Heyo, here's your Waltzing Review!

Yeah, reading the A/N in the beginning, of course I went back and read the prologue. Should I leave a review there, I didn't know if you wanted me to. :/
I'll start off with the nitpicks before saying what I liked in this work.


Hm I hadn't thought of that when I made the request, but just this is fine. It is the most recent chapter after all.

One thing is that, did you mention where the setting of this story is? As in a country?


Was going to mention that next chapter~

Felt like, because I mentioned the country 'Bharat' in here, that was enough 'geography' for one chapter. I'll clarify soon enough, though.

Is this really your style of putting in dialogue? I mean through single quotation marks (' ') instead of double quotation marks? (" ")


Now that you mention it, you're right, I do use single marks instead of double marks... I should fix that .-.

Fragment, connect with previous sentence.

Maybe you should add, '...think I'm gay--I have no idea..." or revise it... : "--I have no idea what (they think about it/their thoughts about it are)..." Redundant on the "they can't actually suggest and ask it, now can they?" part. Try, 'they can't actually bring it up, now can they?' or try removing either 'suggest' or 'ask' there.


Got it, will fix

Uh, not to put your hopes down, but when we say fitting lingerie, store people don't actually let customers fit them. It's unhygienic, unless it's like a sexy lace nightdress or something that's not actually underwear. In this case, specify what type of lingerie


I somehow assumed that because that's the case it'd indeed be more of a nightdress kind of thing than actual underwear. Well, it would be mentioned either way next chapter or so.

Here in this last scene, you suddenly shifted to the third person's POV. I think you should have an indication when you're shifting POVs, like a line break or a centered subtitle that says that the following would be in the third person.


Got it

You already got the 'quote-dialogue-comma/question mark/exclamation point-unquote' formula, but you've missed the capitalization part. Only capitalize the next word if you're no longer describing the dialogue; meaning, if it ends in a Qmark or exclamation point, don't capitalize it unless it's a new sentence, unconnected to the dialogue.
Like:
%u2018No, you do that, I%u2019ll shoot,%u2019 She insists.
'she' should not be capitalized.

Another thing I've noticed was that you keep on capitalizing 'She' when you quote in dialogues regardless if its a question or not. You shouldn't (because that psychologically means something to you in real life).


What it means is that I suck at grammar haha

What I thought of this story, it's really exciting, actually.
I'm a sucker for dark bad boys! Which is why I admit that Benz's character piques my interest so much.The character development was nice, but it would be better if you described how he looked like physically so all your readers would imagine him the same way.

And, like what the others had commented, I feel the same about you changing this to an action genre instead of a suspense. If you wanted it to be a suspense, however, wording and the 3rd person POV could help. I expect a lotta action scenes here, so make it good!

Promising story! Good Luck with writing the next chapters! (and don't rush it for the sake of the readers, cuz we appreciate quality.)

-Waltzing :)


Thank you for your time and effort, I greatly appreciate it ^_^

I'll (eventually, when I'm back on my computer) fix the grammar, and in the future list it under action instead of suspense.

Another thing, on the review for food kind of threads the idea is to review stuff back. Thing is, I couldn't really find a (recent) thread that also had conditions that had to do with reviewing back, so I figured I'd ask it if someone review my work.

So, is there anything you'd like reviewed yourself? :')





You're asking me if I want you to review one of my works? I'm not really sure if your question is directed to me. (My brain is not functioning well. I'm sick so, forgive.)





Yeah, do you require some kind of 'compensation'? :')





No thanks, I'm good. :)
Spoiler! :
Haha, joke! I'd love a technical and story review on this one



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Wed Apr 22, 2015 12:24 pm
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Gracious wrote a review...



God, this guy is hella dark. Besides being a sociopath, would you say Benz is a pathological liar? He's been fooling everyone around him so far. Also the 'this is Ben' thing was really creepy.

I was also thinking how the color thing alone might not be enough to make everyone think he's gay, but his mannerisms, suggestive comments and choice of words in general definitely makes it that much easier to get to Priya. Using the lingerie thing to both arrange for her clothing and to check her body was really smart.

I expect him to face-off against smarter people, his family and friends arent up there. But thats where Alexie comes in I guess.

Really good, I want more :) normally I just lurk but lately Ive felt like commenting. good job dude.






Thank you for your kind words ^_^

Hm yeah, I think he could well be considered a pahpathological liar, but truth be told that's one of the lesser problens with a guy like Benz :')



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Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:04 am
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kevin25a wrote a review...



This was really good,I definitely didn't expect half of it to be added so soon. I know I expected most of it, but at least half took me by surprise being added so soon. I wouldn't call it too soon, I just didn't expect it. I'm definitely going to be more eagerly following the story, seeing as it's clearly going fast paced from the start. I rare quality to do, and one of the greatest ways to start almost any story.

I'm sure I'm in for more surprises too. Which I look forward to. Although I'm expecting him to get caught at some point, or start to regret what he does.






Thank you ^_^



kevin25a says...


Your welcome :)




Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende