A blanket of snow
Two heartbeats; kill, or be killed
Momentary clash
A single heartbeat
The final battle cry sounds
Honor found in death
The skies freeze over
A snowflake touches the eye
Yet it flickers not
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there! Unknown391625 here with a review!
So first off, this haiku is really great! I get the YWS formatting, and you probably couldn't space the haikus out unfortunately. One nitpick though. You capitalized the first letter of the first word on every line, and left it with no punctuation. Otherwise, I really like it! 3 haikus! Not bad at all sir! I would like to see more by you. Don't give up and always write, TheSparringPanther!
-Unknown391625
Happy Review Day!
Yo.
My main critique with this piece is the consideration that the center installation is not a haiku, but rather a senryu. It lacks the natural elements found in haiku--that are even found in the other two crops of the piece (i.e. blanket of snow and a snowflake touches the eye). This is the distinguishing feature between the two styles of poetry: Haiku are concealed behind a veneer of natural imagery to make commentary on the human condition or to bring focus into a scene depicted while senryu simply depict the human condition. Having said that, the center sample is not a bad senryu. I did find the final line: "Honor found in death" a tad cliche, but that's my opinion on the Samurai genre.
The fact is that samurai in general were lazy drunks who served to fatten their pockets and were rather foolhardy with their weapons. That's me being pedantic, though.
I'm a fan of your conclusion as it draws the attention to the inferred emotion that may be in the living samurai (i.e. I equate the melted snowflake to a tear) which brings up some ideas about depression and moving forward having done a terrible deed. It's a nice image to end on, so you get points for it. I just wish the middle were fresher.
Peace,
Lumi
Hi! This is a really great haiku. It was easy for me to understand and picture it actually happening. I've never read a poem about a samurai. It is very unique in my opinion. I wouldn't have ever thought to write about this. So much happened in just a few sentences. Keep up the good work!
~Lauren
Okay so I really like what you've done here. I love your concept, how you actually gave us a samurai instead of a ninja and you made this a serious poem. The only thing I have to say this is an issue is in line 7 "the sky freezes over". That has one too many syllables. So try "The skies freeze over" instead to make it correct.
Other than that, I love your imagery. I usually dislike haiku poems because they lack length and imagery and I dislike it when people write a series of separate haiku because that makes the flow choppy and disjointed. I liked that you grouped you lines together in one big poem but you combine a few correct haiku. So amazing job, keep writing!
XOXO,
Gravity
Ah yes, I blame my plebeian English for that - I was sure I had 5 syllables there, thank you for pointing that out
In general I like trying to write Haiku poems as they express something in a simple but artistic manner. Thanks for the feedback ^^
Hello there!
It's kind of late for me to say this, but Welcome to YWS Panther!
Now for the reviewing part. This little bit of poetry made me read it at least twenty times, it's deep in every way I can understand it. For it being so short I can create a pretty good mental image of what your portraying as a medieval battle scene occurring at a snow covered land, it it has just ended, leaving only the deceased to lay on the frozen ground.
I like simple and to the point when it comes to poetry, and that's what you've just created. I gives this one a 8 out of 10! =D
Haha, thanks! That was what I was going for, a concise but descriptive narrative oh what would be a final snowdown
)).
Thank you for the welcome as well - everybody on here is so friendly :')
Hullo!
First off, the title intrigued me. This is awesome! I love the metaphors! I don't usually like haiku's but I love, love, love this! I also see that you are new and this is your first piece! This is awesome! Great job!! I also love the ending. Great job!! I also saw no punctuation or spelling errors!!
Keep Writing!!,
~Tiff
Thanks, much appreciated ^_^
It's kinda late, so good night as well~