"Tawnybird wasn't lying," Quickflash gasped as she stared at the Sunningrocks. The entire course of the river had changed after the flood; rather than be surrounded by water on all sides, Sunningrocks now touched ThunderClan territory.
"We should go over there and mark the border, just in case," Pinkeyes mewed.
"Can we be sure that's safe?" Ripplepaw asked, flicking an ear at a black tom lounging on one of the large sandy rocks across the water. "It might start a fight."
The other cats on the patrol looked to Strikeclaw. The dark colored tabby's blue eyes were unreadable. After a moment, he said, "Pinkeyes is right. Those rocks belong to us, and they have since RiverClan was founded. That hasn't changed just because the river doesn't make it an island. I'm sure that ThunderClan will understand that. They tend to be reasonable."
"And if they attack?" Mothear's golden gaze was on the tom across the river as well.
"Then we will defend our land as the warrior code requires," Strikeclaw replied firmly. The massive cat slid into the river and started to swim to the other side.
"Stay near me," Quickflash whispered into Ripplepaw's ear. "If there's a fight, it could be bad."
Ripplepaw nodded as he followed Strikeclaw and the others into the river, kicking his legs as they swam to the other side. He kept his tail and head above the water, each stride growing larger as he grew used to being in the cool river again. When the patrol reached the shore, the black tom on the rock glared at them.
"You don't belong here," he mewed sternly.
"This is RiverClan land, and it has been for many seasons," Strikeclaw reasoned. "ThunderClan has no claim to it."
"Actually, we do," another cat said as he left the shadows of the forest with several other cats. His flame-colored pelt gleamed beneath the bright sun. "StarClan changed the course of the river for a reason. It's ours now. Pearnose agrees with this sign."
"The Sunningrocks belong to RiverClan!" Pinkeyes spat. "It belongs to us and our kits and our ancestors, and it always will, Flamingstar!"
Several more ThunderClan cats padded out of th dark forest, fur bristling. A brown and white cat snarled, "This is our land now, fishbreath. Leave."
"You'll have to make us." Strikeclaw moved a paw forward, daring the other cats to attack. Flamingstar's eyes glared with rage, and several cats were growling.
"Steady, Peltstone," a large gray tom mewed. "We don't need to fight over this; words can be used."
"You're on our land!" Havenpaw hissed. "You have no right to be here to begin with! You flea-ridden rouges need to leave."
"Strong words, apprentice," the tom replied. "But the course of the River has changed by the will or StarClan; no blood needs to be spilled this day."
"So long as you leave, that is," Quickflash spat. "You're just being greedy, too, Morningstep. Don't pretend to be so humble!" Ripplepaw watched as his mentor's eyes flashed with rage, her green eyes reflecting a burning desire to rip the ThunderClan cats to shreds. A small ginger she-cat beside the gray tom-- Morningstep, was it?-- pulled down into an attack couch. Then--
"ThunderClan, attack!"
"RiverClan, attack!"
It took Ripplepaw a moment to figure out what was going on until he heard the yowls of battle. He sprung into action, leaping forward to slash at the ginger she-cat's muzzle. She retaliated by raking her caws across his neck, screaming in fury. Havenpaw came in and tackled the she-cat from the side, his pelt a black shadow amidst the chaos. Ripplepaw turned back to the others in the battle and clawed at Flamingstar's back as the ThunderClan cat slashed Strikeclaw's belly.
A shrill voice flooded his ears a moment later. "Help!" Ripplepaw turned and saw Havenpaw lying on the ground, the ginger cat biting down on his neck. Pinkeyes abandoned Morningstep and charged, ripping the ThunderClan cat off of Havenpaw. The cat sliced at Pinkeye's face and then rammed her head into Pinkeyes's muzzle. The white she-cat collapsed.
"RiverClan, retreat!" Strikeclaw howled as he rushed to Havenpaw and grabbed his scruff. Quickflash as she went over to Pinkeyes and pulled her towards the river. Ripplepaw glared at the ginger she-cat but followed his Clanmates as they fled.
"Victory is ours!" Flamingstar cackled.
Once they were safely across again, Ripplepaw looked back across the river: it seemed that Peltston had been hurt badly too, as his Clanmates were dragging him back into the forest. Morningstep was right, he thought. What have we done?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed this work had been in the green room for a while, so I decided to bump it out!
I've really enjoyed reading this work so far! When I was younger, I was never really into this kind of stuff, but I found myself really enjoying this! I think your language and the events that are happening really grips the reader and makes your story super engaging.
One thing I really enjoyed was the overall way you told the story. It's very polished and professional while still being entertaining. I feel like I could have pulled this off of a bookshelf. It was very well thought out, and there's a really nice balance of action and dialogue. It's just really well executed. I'm not sure what else I can say other that nice work!!
One thing that I had trouble with was the names. Maybe it's just cause they're so unique, but I feel like you introduce a lot all at once. I'm having trouble keeping them all straight. I think another part of it might be because they're all cats. I'd suggest maybe taking more time to really establish a few characters very explicitly, and then add in more later on. Then again, I know this is fanfiction, so there's a chance that my confusion is due to my unfamiliarity with the source material. If that's the case, you can just ignore this, I guess.
Specifics
This is just a small thing, but I wondered if the thoughts would be better in italics. I know the publishing center gets rid of italics when you copy and past the work from somewhere else, so it may have already been in italics, but I just thought I'd point it out.
Overall: nice work!! I'm looking forward to reading more of the story! Until next time!
With a handful of exceptions, every single one of these characters are mine. There are just so many cats in a Clan that it can be hard to keep up sometimes XD
Thanks for the review!! <333
I think I just forgot the italics there ;-;
um excuse me, two deaths, my heart is not prepared for this
Okay all of these names are awesome. "Sunningrocks" in particular is such a cool and fun name to say! c: I love how you're also describing the geography here through its changes; you're descriptions are getting super awesome and more detailed, which is awesome ^_^ I think you meant "rather than being surrounded by water" instead of "rather than be"?
I doubt that, especially since you said two deaths um 0.0
OH SO THE CATS DON'T ACTUALLY MIND THE WATER, GOOD FOR THEM XD
This is just a personal suggestion, so please feel free to ignore xD but i personally would replace the bolded part with something different, like became accustomed to, especially since you used "grow" 2x in the same sentence. just a thought!
Ooh, so the journey seems rather short, I wonder if it's tiring for them to make it on the other side. I was also wondering, maybe you could add something more about this black tom? Perhaps he guarded / stood (do cats stand lol) defensively -> you could describe that, like maybe his paw was resting heavily on a rock as to show "I'm the boss here, don't mess with me" or whatever xD
omg these insults cx ahhh I figured they wouldn't be so cooperative >.>
Yes, I love the "moving paw forward" -> subtle but bold action!
I will admit that I'm having a bit of trouble of keeping up with names / who's on which clan xD that could just be a me problem, especially since I haven't read the original (if I had, I'd be more familiar with names probably). but for example, I initially thought Morningstep was on the River Clan, but now I think he's on the Thunderclan?
(I believe you meant "claws")
NOOOO OH MY GOSH WHY ARE THEY ALL FIGHTING :( I wish this could've been solved with words like morningstep said ahhhhh
OH MY WHAT IS HAPPENING
You mentioned "the ginger cat" but I'm not really sure which one you're referring to?
I think you meant to word this a bit differently? cx
I personally thought this was a quick transition from everyone being in battle and at each other's thoughts to being across the river again. The journey back must've been difficult, as they were all probably tired and some were dragging others. just something to think about! c:
UH YES WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Okay so you never explicitly mentioned anyone's death yet (I'm assuming it's Havenpaw and Peltston?) and I'm guessing that's going to come in the next chapter - I'm glad you didn't, because now I can save the heartache for another day xD so although this chapter was sad in the terms of ahhh everyone is fighting and cats are getting hurt </3 at least there weren't any sad and dramatic death scenes to tear up at my heart. although, I don't doubt that that isn't coming soon xD
please spare my heart and take mercy on these cats, I don't want to lose anybody I'M ALREADY FEARING THE WORST
Pinkeyes and Peltstone, actually-- their deaths are major plot points, especially Pinkeyes because REASONS
The ginger she-cat is not named in the chapter, so I just described her :P According to my character list, her name is Leafpaw, and her mentor is Morningstep. The following cats participated in the battle:
RiverClan
-Strikeclaw
-Quickflash
-Ripplepaw
-Mothear
-Havenpaw
-Pinkeyes (rip)
ThunderClan
-Flamingstar
-Peltstone
-Rockfall
-Morningstep
-Leafpaw
-Aspentooth
I keep an updated list of all the characters and some info about Shorestar and her family here. What I'm trying to do here is make Havenpaw have survivor's guilt and then trick Ripplepaw into being torn between his loyalty and his eart which is gonn abe made worse by this, and then Graypaw will e sad cause Pinkeyes saved her life. Riverpaw will be the most stubborn and controlled of all of them resulting in ~drama~
I was kinda hoping you'd be sad Pinkeyes is dead now ;-;
WAIT PINKEYES IS DEAD DID I MISS THAT???????
Also, thank you for writing all of that out for me xD sorry I got distracted by your last statement omg
XD
Pinkeyes is very dead, yes, she saved Havenpaw's life ;-; Maybe I didn't write that out too well though ;-;
WAIT I THINK I DIDNT EVEN READ THAT PART (when I scroll back up after quoting, I sometimes skip a section)
(((((((((( 
(((((
OMG OMG HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEE OH MY GOODNESS WHAT ON ESRTH I LOVED PINKEYES AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS OMG OMG OMG
cause I'm mean c: