z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Augury of RiverClan - Chapter 10

by Riverlight


Ripplewhisker watched as the rest of his Clan padded out of the clearing. Riverpaw, Pinestep, and Shorestar took up the rear, all three of them speaking quietly to one another. Ripplewhisker turned back towards Appledawn, whiskers twitching. "I'm sorry about Flamingstar," he mewed. "I don't know he's talking about, exactly, but nonetheless... he was your mentor. No cat deserves to lose their mentor."

"Maybe," she replied quietly, blue eyes looking towards the stars twinkling above.

"Will you be alright?"

The she-cat shrugged. "I'll have to be, won't I? I mean... his mind's made up. I can't change it. Morningstep will be a good leader."

"Get away from the RiverClan fleabag," a ginger she-cat hissed as she approached the pair of cats. Her tail lashed through the air, claws extended. "This fish-eater's nothing but trouble."

"Back off, Leafpaw," Appledawn grunted. "Just because you've driven off every cat doesn't mean that I can't have a conversation with other cats."

Leafpaw rolled her green eyes, annoyed. "Hurry it up; Aspentooth is asking for you."

Appledawn shook her head. "I'm going to tell you like I told him: I'm not interested."

"Whatever," the apprentice replied, turning away. "Just be quick."

Appledawn looked at the ground, sighing. "I'm not sure that ThunderClan will ever be the same..."

Ripplewhisker pressed his nose into the she-cat's neck fur. "Surely it can't be all bad? There are always queens in a camp's nursery; maybe you'll have an apprentice soon. I'm sure that'd be fun."

"Maybe you're right." Appledawn tilted her head to the side, eyes smiling brightly. "I'll see you around, Ripplewhisker." She moved closer to the RiverClan tom and licked his cheek gently. "Meet me at the stepping stones in three nights, around moonhigh. I want to see you again soon."

"I will," he breathed in reply. "Sleep well, Appledawn. I'll see you soon." Ripplewhisker felt hollow as he watched the ThunderClan warrior pad away towards her territory. The air felt colder now; his fur was pricked by its harsh jab.

"I know what it is that you feel," a voice said from behind him.

Ripplewhisker whipped around, fast as lightning, heart pounding inside his chest. "Oh-- Quickflash-- I can explain--"

His former mentor shook her head. "It's okay," she mewed, "I understand." The she-cat was curled up into a small ball as she spoke to him, the cold nipping at her pelt. "Just try not to get into any trouble, okay?"

Ripplewhisker nodded slowly. "I-- I'll do my best, Quickflash."

"I know you will," the wiry cat replied as she padded closer to him, wrapping her tail around his neck. "Come along home, little one. It's bound to get colder tonight."


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Tue Jun 22, 2021 6:32 pm
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ArctiWolf wrote a review...



Okay, so I was able to drop right into the middle of this conversation only because I have already read the first Warrior Cat Series, which is what this is undoubtedly based off of.

I liked the chapter over all and just have a few little nitpicks.

#1

"I don't know he's talking about, exactly, but nonetheless... he was your mentor. No cat deserves to lose their mentor."

You forgot to put "what" before "he's".

Well, that was actually the only nitpick. You wrote your chapter very well. I hope to see you around. Until next time, happy writing!




Riverlight says...


Thanks for the review!



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starlitmind wrote a review...



I COME BEARING A REVIEW

all three of them speaking quitely to one another. Ripplewhisker turned back towards Appledawn, whickers twitching. "I'm sorry about Flamingstar," he mewed. "I don't know he's talking about, exactly, but nonetheless... he was your mentor. No cat deserves to lose their mentor."

"Maybe," she replied quietly, blue eyes looking towards the stars twinkling above.


Poor Appledawn :( It was supposed to be a good day celebrating her new role as a warrior. Instead, she lost her mentor. The mentor + cat relationship seems to be as precious as parent and child, so I can't imagine how hard it must have been

I bolded two similar phrases; I would recommend swapping one of these out for just a stronger verb rather than the adverb "quietly" c: The former tends to be a bit stronger than using an adverb, and I think it'd be good to switch it out especially since you have two of the same adverb close by ^_^

"Get away from the RiverClan fleabag," a ginger she-cat hissed as she approached the pair of cats. Her tail lashed through the air, claws extended. "This fish-eater's nothing but trouble."


Aren't you nice, Leafpaw :')

I wonder how Ripplewhisker felt from this insult? Was he immune to it, as it's a common occurrence? Or did it bother him / make his blood boil? I am curious as to how he took that remark - it could give insight into his character and let us know how often these bitter remarks are being said to other clans ^_^

"Meet me at the stepping stones in three nights, around moonhigh. I want to see you again soon."


AHHHHH YAYAYAYA, BEST NEWS I'VE HEARD IN AWHILE HAHA :') I hope no cats come and ruin it though >.> Cats like Leafpaw seem to hold strong resentment against cats of other clans

Ripplewhisker felt hollow as he watched the ThunderClan warrior pad away towards her territory. The air felt colder now; his fur was pricked by its harsh jab.


Ooh, I love how you use these descriptions to show how Ripplewhisker feels towards Appledawn. Instead of saying plainly "he misses her," you chose to show it through descriptions and weather related images, and I really like that c:

"I know what it is that you feel," a voice said from behind him.


NOOO THEY WERE CAUGHT >.<

"It's okay," she mewed, "I understand." The she-cat was curled up into a small ball as she spoke to him, the cold nipping at her pelt. "Just try not to get into any trouble, okay?"


Ah, it's just Quickflash. I'm not surprised that she was rather calm about it - she seems to be quite understanding, open-minded, and a comfort character

"Just try not to get into any trouble, okay?"


Unfortunately, I doubt there won't be any trouble when two clans collide xD

I just wanted to point out that you used the verb "pad/padded" several times throughout this chapter - I do think that's a lovely and specific verb to use :) But because this chapter is on the shorter side, I don't think it would hurt to add a bit of variety with your verb choice. Another possible synonym off the top of my head is "plodded" ^_^

AHH OKAY so there are no rogue dictator kitties in this chapter, but I'll still be on the lookout >.> Also, I really hope that Appledawn and Ripplewhisker's meeting won't turn out to be a disaster; they deserve to have a fun time, free of any trouble or worries back at their clan. I think it'd be good for both of them :)

<333




Riverlight says...


hehehe rogue dictator kitties XDDDD

Tysm for the review <3<3<3




Spend your days thinking about things that are good and true and beautiful and noble, and you will become good and true and beautiful and noble.
— Matthew Kelly