~Home Is wherever i'm with you~
~Vera P.O.V~
“Thanatophobia.” I heard my therapist say as I stared at the ceiling above me. It's not the best paint job they’ve done. “Vera? Hello?” my therapist called gently tapping my knee. “Oh sorry what did you say?” I replied. I was never the observant type. Often spacing out. Into a world with sunshine all year and all my family and friends close by. The moments only being interrupted by my therapist trying to get through the walls. “Can I just go home?” I pleaded with her. She sighed and handed me a form. I politely nodded my head and walked to the car park. It was a lovely sunny day today really. The clouds were perfectly fluffy, the cool breeze on my skin. The fresh scent of tulips and roses filled my senses. I opened my car door and was met with my wonderful wife. Rosemary. She looked absolutely stunning. Her unruly black hair falling in all the right places along her shoulders. And she finally wore the dress I got her. A flowy black summer dress. That perfectly complemented her tan skin. “Hey Mon petite etoile” i said gently, not wanting to startle her, “hey Mon soleil” she said, her voice is sweet like honey. Days like this i really wonder what god blessed me with this child of aphrodite. I leaned over to gently kiss her before starting the car. “Sorry I took so long etoile” I whispered, resting a hand over hers as we drove back. Rosemary didn't say much. Strange. She was never this quiet. “Are you sure you're okay Mon petite etoile?” I said trying to keep my tone neutral but I can't help but feel concerned. What if she's not okay, what if I did something wrong. What if I lose her? My breathing became shallow, my chest closing in on me. Fuck not now. My palms become sweaty, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. I tried stopping whatever this was but nothing helped. Until I felt her hands, the contrast of soft palms and calloused fingertips against my knee calmed me instantaneously. “You're okay Mon soleil. I've got you.” i heard her say. And god that voice could calm an army. My breathing slowly returned to normal. And I say quietly “home is truly wherever I'm with you.”
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the ghastly S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Vera goes to see a therapist about something called “Thanatophobia”, but she doesn’t feel comfortable with talking to her for long, so she leaves the office and is greeted by her dearest wife in the car! They drive off home together and all is well…for now.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think that if this chapter were a bit longer then there would be more time to get to know the characters, but if this is what you intended, then ignore this!
Chocolate Bar - I love how Vera and Rosemary care for each other. :> It’s so sweet! In just a few words, you showed how Rosemary calmed Vera down. ^v^ The names sound pretty too, like the names given to faerie creatures. I also love the description of Rosemary’s dress…it sounds so beautiful.
Closing Graham Cracker - Vera and Rosemary seem like a healthy, close couple, but again, Vera has Thantophobia. I feel like that’s going to come into play somehow, considering that this book is romantic AND supernatural. (my favorite genres!) I do hope that whoever dies doesn’t suffer too much, if anyone is going to die…
I wish you a magnificent day/night! ^v^
Hello! AnotherCrowInRow is here with a quick review of your first chapter.
I have a few things I'd like to tell you about the story.
The first thing here is that the text is relatively short, and that it is, so to speak, one block of text. Your text is largely made up of dialogues - what if, for example, you tried to use a new paragraph every time someone speaks. For example, this part, right at the beginning:
...would be better formatted like this:
I also noticed that you have quite a few typos here - omitted commas and small letters at the beginning of sentences and dialogues.
I would just like to say that your story is rated +12 because of the language. Well, the F-word is not considered such a categorized swear word - although it is only used once, you should probably consider increasing the age rating.
All in all, it's an interesting story! I know that in this review I probably mostly focused on things that could be improved (grammar, for example), but that doesn't change the fact that it's an interesting start. Well, it's true that this chapter was really very short and there is a room for improvment, but don't worry, we're all gradually getting better at writing! This is what YWS is for - for us to grow as writers.
I also noticed that you are quite new here, so welcome! I hope you will enjoy your time here
Have a nice rest of day/night/whaever is in ypur timezone!