Published August 4, 2011
You gave to me a little book, and I pressed it to my chest.
You said to always keep it close,
I said I'd do my best.
But I was just a child then, and Fate had plans for me.
He beat you down, and stopped your life,
Happy as could be.
Now I'm older, and walk alone, my stomach filled with lead.
I didn't help, I did nothing,
Now you lay there dead.
But then a beam comes to my life, a light so bright it blinds me.
That weight, it lifts from off my frame,
Peace and love now find me.
As long as I am happy though, cursed Fate must interfere.
He stole your breath, and with your death,
I lose all I hold dear.
Now I'm grown and let nothing touch, this cold heart wrapped in steel.
I smile on the outside, not showing,
How I truly feel.
I wallow in self-pity, I live in harsh self-doubt.
I'm locked inside a cage Fate made,
I can't find my way out.
And just when I have given up, and resigned myself to death.
I find myself an Angel,
Who lends me saving breath.
And now my heart is full again, like it never was before.
I know I'll never loose this feeling,
We'll be together evermore.
Then again Fate rears his ugly head, and decides to play with me.
He takes one look at my love,
Goes for lucky number three.
But his plan is much more cunning, this one different from his other.
This time he doesn't hurt my love,
But leads her to my brother.
And as the two fall deep in love, hurt and blame bite deep within.
Day in, day out, my struggle wanes,
Then the end begins.
My little book fell to the ground, my life no longer matters.
The heart I gave you, it drops too,
And on the ground it shatters.
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138,265 Literary Works • 672,093 Reviews
There are some writers who are born to capture hearts with their writing, and you are one of them. One day you will be a great author or poet, whichever you decide. But whatever you do decide make sure you keep writing, because that poem is fantastic! Congratulations!
Well where do i start? .... Awesomely good !! I loved it!
I loved the way i could feel the paiin and all. BUt i must admit that a few paragraphs had rythm problems.
OH and i LOVED the rhymes! They were good too, and added more class to the poem
Keep it up!
Thanks everybody for your reviews! This was my first piece, no I was naturally nervous. I'm glad I got so much positive feedback!
Thanks again!
Razzle
This is horribly and painfully beautiful.
wow talk about a depressing piece. i really liked it though and it was very well written. there were a couple of times where the flow of the poem was kinda different from the rest of the piece, but it wasn't too much of a difference. Keep up the good work! ^^
Hey, just a quick review here! When you started your stanzas you used the same words over again, and used 'but' too much! Thats all!
- Boo
There's nothing to be reviewed here. It hit me like a rock on my chest. And those are the best poems. Good flow, good rhythm, good rhyme, wonderfully tragic story.
Well done.
I agree with TheBlondie...
x
It was really good, it ended quite suddenly though, not much description of "then end" although that might be a good thing as well I guess, I can't decide >.< Anyway, I thought it was really good! Keep writing!
I feel a little shattered myself now...poor Kerain...I like the poem, though! Very flowing and imaginary!
-TheBlondie
Hello. I am em and I will be reviewing your work to the best of my ability. But as I am not well-versed in poetry I may be harsh to the point of making you cry and/or dumb to the point of making you want to beat your head against a wall until a lump arises on your forehead.
Anyways, you did a great job with the rythm and rhyming.
I think "my self" should be "myself".
In the middle I feel like you repeated yourself. He was filled with lead, and then there was a bright light and peace. But then he lost the "you" person... again? I was confused about that.
I like that it's a letter to someone which some how makes it seems deeper and more... moving.
I also like that his heart gets broken instead of him dying. Which is better, although not by much.
Overall, I like it and all its tragedy.
Keep on writing!
Toodles!
This poem actually made me cry. :'( But really good job! The rhyme was nice and it seemed to flow nicely. I like the rythm and how easy it was to read. I did feel like this stanza change beat, but that might just be me.
Otherwise it was amazing! You are really good at poetry!