Blue
The color of her eyes
The dress she wore when you went dancing
The sky as you walked along the city streets, talking and laughing about nothing at all.
The aroma of her perfume
The sweet taste of her lips in the morning
The color of the butterfly she took a picture of that night at the gallery, that picture that sits there on your dresser to this day, collecting dust.
The electricity you felt at her touch
The sounds she'd make when you made love
The intoxication of midnight
The feeling in your heart when she didn't call back, and you still don't know why she didn't call back.
The ice in your veins when you saw her with him
The venom in your words when you shouted all those horrible things at her.
The pain you felt when you told her to pack up her bags, and leave.
The missing pieces of your heart she took with her.
The color of your heart
The sound of music
The thought that she is probably out somewhere being held in another man's arms.
The tears that fall on your pillow every night
The taste of her favorite wine
Her favorite color
And the color of your walls, because you can't really let her go.
All of this.
All of her.
All blue.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, TheRaven0606! I'll be reviewing your piece today. Can't wait to get into it!
I'm going to just point out some nitpicks and my opinions to begin.
Let's start this thing off.
I feel like this line was a little pushed to stay together. Don't stay pushed to keep it that way. In fact, I would loosen up a bit and mix up the style. For example, I noticed that a lot of your lines began with the word the. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it could be switched around a little, and if you look back on the wording, it's used somewhat excessively. For a future tip, I would suggest keeping track of how you use your words, and maybe read over your work to check for repeated or excessive lines/wording. You don't have to do this, of course, but this is just what I do, or at least try to do, from my experience.
This line seems to really call out to me, imagery and metaphor wise. I love this idea of venom, like poison, in words. It's a unique idea I haven't ever even thought about, and I love it.
I think you have a great potential and power in using different ideas to describe an object. This would actually be quite a good warm up exercise to stretch one's capability in doing so. I felt like I had an issue with you starting this poem off.
I love this already, but I feel like it could go even more into depth. Instead of using "The color of..." I would use another phrase, maybe one that you had further into this piece? In this situation I think you were just introducing yourself to the idea of writing what you wanted to write, and you seemed to had finally gotten the hang of it later in your poem. I really felt like I saw your true self in your writing as you explored more into your capabilities.
I think you chose the best, or a great color to right about, since it is a very common thing you can relate to, and essentially just write about. I can't seem to stop relating this to Inside Out, a movie I've seen. I'm not sure if you've seen it or not?... But it's a wonderful movie and definitely shines on the important aspects of being blue, or sad, etc. For me, they definitely seem to connect.
Taking this and looking at it overall, the theme of this is, well obviously blue, but also sadness, regret, and more. Even before I read this poem, I've always felt attached to the idea that blue represents sadness and emptiness, although this piece takes it a step further. I'm enjoying your use of creativity here, and I can't imagine having to think up all of those different descriptions to describe a color myself. You did a wonderful job, especially for (one of) your first piece!
Also, if you have any questions or comments regarding this review or poem, feel free to reply below or PM me at anytime! I am always open to chatting, talking, or answering any questions you may have.
Until next time,
~BlueSunset
I love this poem!!! Blue has become my new favorite color like last month and this poem is so beautiful and tragic.
Thank you so much for posting this sad work!!
I hope to read more from you soon!!
I'm BlueRoses15, obviously, but I've been going by Blue. I really, really loved this poem. I hope anything I say doesn't offend you!
Offered Suggestions for Improvement: The only thing I can think of to ponder is the punctuation. Part of me loves how you sporadically used periods and commas. Another part got confused by the uneven length of lines before another period or comma. If you decide to edit it with the punctuation, I'm all for it, and even if you keep it the same I will still love this poem.
Ideas: I would love to see something the complete opposite, like "Red" told by a girl's point of view talking about a guy. It would be really creative and definitely evoke more emotion, passion, and inspiration for other YWS writers.
Have you heard the song "Blue Lips" by Regina Spektor? It's a sad song but sounds somewhat magical, like living in a world of grief and the color blue. At least that's how I perceive it. It may also help you edit this selection if you wish to add more. This is so heartbreakingly true.
"The electricity you felt at her touch". Though I am a girl, and I could see this in my view of a guy, I totally agree. When someone you love touches you on your arm or back or hugs you or holds hands with you, there is always a spark of electricity and this magnifying streak of fireworks and streamers. Anyways, I loved this line.
"The ice in your veins when you saw her with him"
"The color of your heart"
"The tears that fall on your pillow every night"
These next three lines Oi pulled really tugged at my heartstrings. I've recently gone through a breakup with my best friend who I've known for 3 years but never dated until last week, and this poem has his name written all over it, except I can clearly visualize it in a girl's point of view as well; just gender switching mainly.
The last three lines are so breathtakingly, heartbreakingly, bodyshakingly pulchritudinous. I love them.
"All of this.
All of her.
All blue."
Some part of me knows that this will echo throughout my head the rest of the night and tomorrow at school.
I see you are also a new writer, and I hope you are really happy to get an encouraging, supportive review! As you will hear from many other YWS users, welcome to this writing site where you can honestly/safely post anything, write anything, and have fun!! If you need any tips or have questions, click on my name & post on my wall. Or you can tag me by typing " @BlueRoses15 " and then your question. I hope you can figure out what I'm trying to say.
Thank you so much for posting this lovely work of writing. I'll think of this for quite awhile.
Your new friend and follower,
Blue