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Young Writers Society



Every Christmas - Chapter 5

by ThePhoenix


Every Christmas

Chapter Five

“So, you want me to cook something or…” Emily opened the fridge to grab some ingredients. “No, it’s fine. I got this,” he opened the fridge and pulled out an entire carton of eggs. “Apparently eggs are healthy. So I’ll just add a bunch of that.”

The Doctor looked around the kitchen and grabbed a blender, took the lid off and put five eggs, complete with the shell, inside the blender.

“Ah, Doctor. You’re supposed to crack the shell.” Emily warned.

The Doctor looked at her with a silly grin. “Yeah, ‘supposed’ to.” He went back to putting eggs inside the blender, before getting bored and pouring the entire carton of eggs inside the blender.

“Um,” Emily was about to say that that’s she was going to use those eggs later but decided it was too late at this point.

“No, you’re right.” The Doctor tore off a piece of the carton and placed it in the blender.

“Uh, how we just—”

“Not now, I’m busy cooking!” He started grabbing random boxes of food from the pantry and pouring the contents into the blender.

“But you said you don’t know how to cook!”

“I know right?!” Soon the blender was full, which didn’t take long since it didn’t have a large capacity. Despite this, the Doctor still went to grab an orange juice box and attempted to squeeze the contents into the blender. The top layer of Scooby-Doo biscuits and gummy bears absorbed a little of the juice, but the majority ran down the jar that contained all the ‘ingredients’.

“Doctor. That’s my kitchen.” Emily said, unenthusiastic about the mess that was just made. She was fine with the mess in Sam’s room, at least she didn’t have to clean that up. But the kitchen was where she ate, and she had no doubt that the Doctor would just leave it as it is instead of cleaning it up.

“I know it is! And I’m putting it to good use.” He said, pushing the ‘Mix’ button.

Just as he pressed it, Emily saw the lid of the blender sitting on the table. “Doctor, NO!”

But she noticed too late and witnessed the first of its kind (in her kitchen anyway). A shower of biscuits and gummy bears and chocolates and ice-cream. She saw it all... Slam into her face, on her clothes and all over her kitchen.

She wiped a couple of soggy biscuits and chocolates off her face and clothes before sighing and grabbing a cleaning towel from under the sink. “The lid goes on before you turn on the blender, Doctor.”

The Doctor stared at the now wet and food covered clothes which he had recently acquired. Well, he borrowed them from one of the kids he met and didn’t really think about how they managed to fit him at the time. He was also contemplating when he would have a chance to return them. Perhaps after he got the TARDIS back. “Well, you learn something new everyday.”

Emily sighed, suddenly not in the mood to clean anymore.

At least he didn’t empty the fridge. She opened the fridge and surveyed what was in it. Something simple… I don’t feel like cooking.

Her eyes landed on some custard and instinctively reached for it and a box of fish fingers. Night after night of having midnight snacks consisting of only those two ingredients did that to her.

“You like fish fingers and custard?” She asked the Doctor.

“Yeah—” The Doctor stared at Emily as memories of a young redhead girl were brought back. “What did you just say?”

****

Sam had his hands in the air as he desperately tried to think of a means to escape the robots in front of him. They all had a silver thing poking out from their left side and had them pointed at him which led him to believe they were guns.

He couldn’t think of anything to say but luckily, he didn’t have to as one of the robots spoke first. It was a red one. Well, it was the only red one. And his— Sam assumed it was a ‘he’ because of how deep the voice was— voice was a tad deeper than what he heard from the other robots. “Who. Are. You? How. Did. You. Get. Here? Explain!”

Sam took a deep breath.

Stalling time. Great! I have a chance to stall. I just hope someone’s going to save me, otherwise stalling would just become useless.

“Uh, well. Which question do you want me to answer?” He said awkwardly, the pressure of dying was really getting to him.

“All. Of. Them.” Came the reply from the red robot.

“Uh, well. I’m Sam. Pleasure to meet you.” He was about to walk over to one of them and extend his hand for a handshake, but realised they didn’t have any hands… Plus, he was really scared of them shooting him.

“Um. So, who are you guys…?” Sam held his breath, afraid he made a mistake by asking them a question.

Are they going to shoot me?

To his relief, the robot replied. Without killing him. “We. Are. The. DA-leks.”

Sam nodded, not sure what to say. He wanted to comment on how slow their talking was, but he decided that that would probably get him killed, so he tried to make conversation but was cut off.“So, uh—”

“How. Did. You. Get. Here?” demanded the red Dalek.

“Uh, well. You see… I was in this blue box when I heard your… robotic voices from outside. Uh… yeah.” Sam had imagined that he would be able to talk for longer, but apparently not. Luckily, the Daleks gave him something to talk about.

“Why. Were you. In. The TARDIS?”

Sam took a couple of breaths before answering. He didn’t want to add in a bunch of unintentional ‘Uh’s and ‘Um’s this time. “Oh, well. You know. It’s interesting. It can just disappear and appear somewhere else. Kinda like something out of a science fiction movie.”

Even though Sam was sure that he was about to die, he actually impressed himself when he managed to get that out with any interruptions.

****

The Doctor sat in silence as Emily tried to enjoy her fish fingers and custard. She was trying to ignore the awkward silence, but it was a bit difficult for her since the Doctor had been staring at her for the past three minutes. After a minute more of staring, she decided to say something to break the silence. And stop him staring. “Doctor, that’s really creepy.”

“I’m thinking.” Was all he said before going back to staring. Thankfully, at the table this time and not her.

A few minutes passed before he spoke again. “Why don’t you have any family pictures?”Emily choked on the custard when she heard the question. It wasn’t one that she liked answering. Also one of the reasons why she never had anyone over. “They were all burnt.” She answered bitterly.

The Doctor saw that it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about and decided it was better if he just shut up. Sadly, he couldn’t undo the tension that was now in the air.

He hoped something, anything would happen. Because he really needed something to do. His knuckles tapped the marble table as he let out a sigh. Then he got a bad feeling.

He couldn’t explain it, but his heartbeat had quickened and his breath stopped short. Someone or something had just messed with the universe. 


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125 Reviews


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Wed Dec 30, 2015 9:57 pm
Songmorning wrote a review...



What? Whole eggs in the blender? A piece of the carton? I was as baffled as Emily at the beginning of this chapter. What could he possibly be cooking up? (no pun intended, by which I mean, pun intended)

But she noticed too late and witnessed the first of its kind (in her kitchen anyway). A shower of biscuits and gummy bears and chocolates and ice-cream.

Oh man, time just froze here. Amazing. I could just feel myself there in Emily's shoes watching this event take place...and everything just seems to stand still.
Still, here's another punctuation nitpick: I think a colon would work better than a sentence break. A colon serves to emphasize what comes after it, and I believe here some emphasis is in order. (Besides, the second sentence is a fragment as is.)
"But she noticed too late and witnessed the first of its kind (in her kitchen anyway): a shower of biscuits and gummy bears and chocolates and ice-cream."

You really get the impression that the Doctor has no idea what he's doing and yet at the same time every idea what he's doing. Knowing Doctor Who, this all seems very intentional.

Wait. He really didn't have any idea what he was doing? He really thought he could make food by putting all that in a blender? I don't understand. That doesn't sound like Doctor Who at all. That sounds like Spongebob. I'm sorry but, however funny that was, it was too silly and too unintentional to be realistic or to fit the in with the show. I think you'll have to do something to change it.
Either that, OR there's actually something affecting him that I don't know about...Something messing with his head. Maybe you have reasons behind this. I still don't know who that child was back in Chapter One.
Or maybe this is about a Doctor in a season I've never watched, so I just don't know enough about him to make sense of it. I don't know. I'm rather confused. Also, why are they sitting around eating instead of doing something? Is there really just nothing they can do right now? EXPLAIN. EXPLAIN.

“Uh, well. Which question do you want me to answer?” He said awkwardly, the pressure of dying was really getting to him.

“All. Of. Them.” Came the reply from the red robot.

I laughed. ^_^
(Oh, and I just noticed a comma splice: instead of a comma after "awkwardly", there should be a semicolon or a period.)

Oh my...Now I want to know more about Emily's history. The way she said, "They were all burnt," made me feel that maybe she herself had burned them. What happened with her family? I expect to learn more about it as the story goes on.

He couldn’t explain it, but his heartbeat had quickened and his breath stopped short. Someone or something had just messed with the universe.

Wow. Now I must read on. O_O You're good at ending with cliffhangers, that's for sure.




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Sat Dec 05, 2015 2:17 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



hello. This was a very...entertaining chapter. I don't know what else to say about a story where one moment, a doctor is destroying a patient's kitchen by tossing stuff in their blender, then the next chapter someone is being held by robots. Your characters are all very endearing, and you had me attached to them in an impressively quick speed. Finally, the mood shift towards the end was very intriguing, adding a mountain more of depth to your already interesting characters. Overall, you're very adept at characterization, and just storytelling in an entertaining way in general.

Stylistically speaking, this wasn't the greatest work of art ever; your description and sense of detail often tends to shine through as clumsy, at best. But, you're not capturing our attention by strong, fine technical writing, you're capturing our attention through whimsical, charming, amusing storytelling. So while it isn't too huge of a problem for a comedic story like this one, I hope you enrich you writing for other stories that you create.

Things:

“So, you want me to cook something or…” Emily opened the fridge to grab some ingredients. “No, it’s fine. I got this,” he opened the fridge and pulled out an entire carton of eggs. “Apparently eggs are healthy. So I’ll just add a bunch of that.”


This is a pet peeve of mine. You have two different characters performing different actions in the same paragraph. Separate them for better flow and easier reading. So it'd end up looking like this:

“So, you want me to cook something or…” Emily opened the fridge to grab some ingredients.

“No, it’s fine. I got this,” he opened the fridge and pulled out an entire carton of eggs. “Apparently eggs are healthy. So I’ll just add a bunch of that.”


And you'd use a hyphen, not an ellipse to convey getting cut off as well ^^ Nice dialogue, although eggs aren't really that healthy. The "doctor" not pointing out the ridiculous amounts of cholesterol in them goes to better characterize that he doesn't know what he's doing, at least.

The Doctor looked around the kitchen and grabbed a blender, took the lid off and put five eggs, complete with the shell, inside the blender.

“Ah, Doctor. You’re supposed to crack the shell.” Emily warned.

The Doctor looked at her with a silly grin. “Yeah, ‘supposed’ to.” He went back to putting eggs inside the blender, before getting bored and pouring the entire carton of eggs inside the blender.


This is like it's taken straight out of Three's Company.

Skipping right along...
“I know right?!”


Try to limit yourself to one punctuation mark.

Just as he pressed it, Emily saw the lid of the blender sitting on the table. “Doctor, NO!”


Italicize, don't capitalize.

The Doctor saw that it wasn’t something she wanted to talk about and decided it was better if he just shut up. Sadly, he couldn’t undo the tension that was now in the air.

He hoped something, anything would happen. Because he really needed something to do. His knuckles tapped the marble table as he let out a sigh. Then he got a bad feeling.

He couldn’t explain it, but his heartbeat had quickened and his breath stopped short. Someone or something had just messed with the universe.


Like I mentioned how I love the sudden shift in mood, to a more serious, solemn atmosphere after Emily revealed that her family pictures were all burnt up. But, your narration retains this certain immaturity that's present for the rest of the story. It's fine earlier, when everything is lighthearted and comedic, but once you start getting into a more serious angle, you want the narration to reflect that. There are three lines in particular that I'd suggest you to change:

better if he just shut up.


Again, this just reads off as rather juvenile: "quit talking" would sound more mature and better fit the tone that you're now trying to convey.

Then he got a bad feeling.


This is thin, juvenile, and not very descriptive. I'd completely restructure this line to give it a more emotional reach; even "a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach" would work better.

just messed with the universe.


I get the fact that this doctor is really immature, but it's the narrator talking not the doctor, so I'd appreciate it more if you dropped the goofy vibes it when it comes to discussing your character's terrifying back story. "Messed with the universe" sounds like a comic book villain dropping marshmallows and smores from the sky or something.

Nonetheless, this is just an entertaining chapter over all with some pretty interesting characters and plots. So, all in all, I applaud you. ^^





Change isn't inherently good, but you can't stop it, so let's just enjoy the ride. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
— TheSilverFox