Chapter One
July 7th
10:30 PM
The knife was sharp. The pistol was loaded. And if both of those fail, he still has his fists, not that they would do much. The parents were out of town, leaving him to take care of the child, the sister was supposed to help as well but her babysitting job meant that she was unable to be at home. The 70-year-old wasn’t particularly worried about getting caught, as long as his goal was achieved and the 11-year-old child died. He was getting old for killing, but he couldn’t let the child live. He was a danger to the Earth and had to be eradicated at all costs. Even if the child was his adopted grandson.
July 8th
12:00 AM
The grandfather clock rang twelve times, signifying twelve o’clock. Not many households had a grandfather clock anymore but the child’s father was an antique freak and insisted on buying one.
The sister wouldn’t be home for a while as she said she was going out with friends.
Everything aside, the child should be asleep by now. The old man walked up the stairs, age had weakened his bones but he refused to die before killing the child. The demon.
Once he reached the boys room he swiftly opened the door so he made as little noise as possible. He learned that opening a door slowly makes it creak and the last thing he wanted was for the little demon to wake up and see his grandfather carrying a knife.
Slowly, he walked towards the peacefully sleeping child and brought his knife down on his chest, straight on the heart. At least, that’s what he thought.
The child woke up screaming which effectively woke the neighbours up as they rushed towards the source of the noise but was blocked by the locked door.
The old man pulled the knife out and ran as quickly as he could before he realized that there was nowhere to run. This was an apartment on the top floor. Outside the door is an entire floor full of neighbours. He could hear all of them shouting, “Open the door!” or “What was that screaming?”
The seventy year old couldn’t do anything except go to jail. The evidence was flawless. Especially since the knife had his fingerprints on it. He was even carrying a gun. He had failed; humanity would become extinct because he forgot the fact that a demon’s heart is on their right side. Not the left. He had caused the end. Chaos would spread across the world. And he couldn’t do anything about it.
1:00 AM
The police arrived and arrested the seventy-year-old man for attempted murder. They thought he was crazy because he kept saying that the child was a demon and would destroy humanity and this, of course, made it into the news.
6:00 AM
“It is a miracle the child survived, paramedics have checked and stated that the stab spot was directly where the heart should be. They are confused why the boy isn’t dead and are currently keeping him in Liverpool Hospital for a little longer to make sure no other parts of him are damaged, but more importantly, why did the grandfather try to kill his own adopted grandson? Unfortunately we aren’t allowed to see him as the wardens say he is crazy with his constant ramblings of his grandson being a demon.”
He turned the TV off. He didn’t need to hear anymore. The child wasn’t dead after being stabbed in the heart? There wasn’t any possible way for this to happen. Unless the child truly was a demon like the grandfather was saying.
Finally. I’ve found your location you Demon. Liverpool Hospital. Quite far away unfortunately but I’ll get there. We nearly killed your kind two millennia ago, now thanks to your grandfather, I can finally destroy the Demons once and for all.
Before leaving he left a note and put it on the kitchen table. “Won’t be home for a while, maybe a day or two. Take care of the kids.”
He went into his backyard, making sure no one was looking before spreading his wings once again and flying in the direction of Liverpool.
Luckily I can turn invisible, otherwise I would have to go by car, and that’s not very fast. Sadly even if I were flying as fast as possible, it would still take at least a day, or around that long. But it doesn’t matter. The Demon will die.
July 9th
1:50 AM
The Archangel finally arrived at his destination. He was about to enter the hospital when he saw a child walking around in a park nearby. Except, he felt something odd about the child. The energy the child was giving off wasn’t that of normal persons.
Could he be the Demon?
He slowly approached the child but at the same time trying to get a good look at him. However, the child noticed him as well and they met face to face. But only for a few seconds before he ran.
Why is he running?
The Archangel decided to chase after him; he knew he’d eventually catch up since the child couldn’t have nearly enough stamina to keep running. And he was right. After a couple of minutes the child stopped running. But he didn’t. He kept running towards the child and once he got within close enough range, he punched him with as much force as he could. So much the tree that the child slammed into was snapped in two.
“You can’t win you demon. Give up. Your death won’t be any less painful. But you can’t win, so what’s the point of fighting back?” He was sure this boy was the demon. The amount of energy that he was giving off was too inhuman.
“Fat chance.” Came the reply from the boy.
“Huh?”
In a flash he was forced backwards by a punch to the stomach. But the arm actually pushed him upwards so he was flung into the air but he stayed afloat using his wings in midair, where he could see the boy standing below him who was waving at him.
July 9th
2:00 AM
“Yo.” The boy seemed quite chipper despite the fact that he was fighting an Archangel.
“You seem quite lively despite having just been smashed into a tree.”
“And you seem quite serious despite not having ever go to school. DAMN SCHOOL!” He shook his fists in the air in a mocking way and laughed. “But seriously. There’s nothing to be serious about.”
“Except the fact that I’m here to kill you, eliminating your kind forever.” He raised the sword, which had magically appeared.
“Okay, number one: Didn’t you do that like, I dunno, a LONG time ago? Or at least angels did, but that includes you anyways so...” He held up one finger to signify the point he just made and put up another finger to symbolize his second point. “And number two: Where did you get that sword? I would like a sword. Preferably made out of rubies. Because rubies are red, and red is an amazing colour.”
“What…?” The Archangel shook his head. “None of that matters. All that matters is that you die.”
“So… you’re going to fight a kid, with a sword. And kill him. Not very nice.”
“What? YOU ARE A DEMON!” The Angel was beginning to lose his patience; this kid was nothing like the Demons he experienced during the war.
The boy gasped as if he was insulted. “That is rude. I am not that bad. You know what? I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He began to walk away.
“Wait what? WHAT? YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE! HEY!”
“Oh yeah, you might want to fix that tree. I would, but I can’t. Demons don’t have that ability.”
The Archangel lost his patience and threw his sword the child. But he didn’t expect the boy to react by stopping his walking and ducking which caused the sword to slice the air above his head. The boy turned around.
“Now that’s quite rude. Fine. If it’s a battle you want, it’s a battle you’ll get. I love that line. I have no idea where it’s from though. Whatever.” Suddenly the ground on the Demon’s left spewed out a sword, which he caught.
The Archangel was surprised at this but it did not stop him from diving down at the Demon with his sword aimed at his heart. And the sword struck, straight through the heart. Or so he thought.
The boy chuckled and patted the Angel on the back. “Wrong side mate.”
The realization shocked him as he pulled out and staggered backwards.
“Geez. Don’t tell me age has addled that brain of yours.” In a flash the boy was in front of him and started slicing at the Angel but he managed to parry all the attacks. After several seconds of parrying, the Angel managed to knock the sword out of the boy’s hand and several metres away but as soon as the sword hit the ground, it melted into it and spit it back out underneath the Demon’s right hand.
“You’re not very smart. Here, I’ll give you another chance. But just try to remember, Demon’s are very difficult to defeat in nighttime. Also because I don’t want you to call me “kid” or whatever. My name’s Adam.” With that, the boy melted into the shadows.
The Archangel, Michael, was practically just defeated by a child. And he didn’t like that. He would kill this last Demon. No matter what, he will.
End of chapter
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello Phoenix,
I know I’m a lot late and I apologize for that. Now, you know that I’m no good at reviewing stories, not this that- I’m a master in reviewing poetry but stories are new so, I totally don’t know how to do it properly so, there’s a definite chance that this review of mine can have a bad odor.
So, I’d make it rather short since your previous reviewers have covered most of the points. First of all, I loved your story! I love the way it flows. The plot is nice, I loved the demon kid and his quirky sense of humor. Now, the story reminded me of the movie, “I, Frankenstein.” But, point to be noted, this story is a lot enjoyable!
Now, in the first line of the ‘July 8’ part, it’s written, “The grandfather clock.” I think you should italicize that one. Because, I got sort of confused that whether you meant GRANDFATHER’S CLOCK.
Okay, there are few sentences where the structure is little odd, like the way I felt but nothing serious and the reason I think I should not talk much about those is- your last one/two reviews have already talked about those! I’m sorry but before reviewing, I tend to read other reviews that work has got.
Plus point: Sometimes, I get to learn new stuff from those which is wicked!
Minus point: Often, I find myself throwing away the idea of reviewing that piece myself!
Anyway, enough of blabbering. Hope you didn’t mind and I can’t spend much of my energy here! I’m curious about the next part!
Keep falling with style!
~ Nire!
Hello~~~ I am the Overlord of Tildes who so blatantly invaded your wall earlier :3
Here to give you a review and encouragement-- PLEASE UPDAAAAAAATE! \(@A@)/
Anyways, I'll first start with the things I found quite interesting. First of all, I really liked your title. It is cute. (okay, since I'm going to be figuratively breathing down your neck all the way until your story ends, I'll let you in on a not-so-secretive secret: I really don't understand how to use "cute" properly. Nor do I go by normal logic. Fear me. \(^w^)/~~~) I can also tell immediately that I will really like your two main characters.
However, I'm a bit... confused at the boy's personality. Just a bit. It's like what bloodybelle-shi (-shi is a polite Japanese suffix for colleagues) said-- his behavior is too off for an 11-year-old. Sure, it might be due to the fact he's a freaking Demon, but still... if he's grown up in normal human company, there's almost no real reason for him to behave in that manner. He could have simply been dismissive of the Archangel, but it is still an uncomfortable point. It is reasonable to expect that he might be much more precocious/intelligent than normal 11-year-old boys, but then he'd be using fancier vocabulary and other such things...
Also, if you're going to signify the time, it's not necessary to include things like:
In that one line alone, you indicated the exact time, noted that the grandfather clock rung twelve times, and added that it was twelve o'clock. Over repetitive much? While it's good to describe time and setting, overly concentrating on the time may prove to be... annoying to the readers. Just pointing that out. :3
Also, I trust that you will elaborate how the grandfather discovered that his adopted grandchild is a Demon in the next installment. :3 But meanwhile, the mystery is quite fine~~~
Also, the scene where the grandfather stabbed the child is quite dramatic, but... rather.... (if you'll excuse me) blandly written. Instead of directly stating that he stabbed the child, try describing it subtly, e.g. through detailed lines about the grandfather's swinging arms, tightening hands, determined eyes, gritted teeth-- anything, really. Also, use sentence structure to help strengthen major points. For example, use short, single-phrased sentences to make something seem tense, foreboding, or dangerous. Use long, multiple-claused sentences to indicate a rush of motion. Using long sentences to describe the setting can also create a sense of largeness, used to make the characters themselves seem small. There are millions of ways to use sentence structure, and it is as important a tool as diction and grammar.
Also, I'm surprised that the doctors didn't discover that the boy didn't have a human's anatomy. With the setting you've set up, with TV and the reported news, I'm assuming this is set in the modern day and age. If so, the doctors would have used x-rays to scan for internal injuries. This will allow them to see that the boy's heart isn't on the left side (actually, the human heart in more near the center, but saying "the left side" is still correct, I guess :3), which will immediately tell them that something is wrong/weird/they would need to do more tests/interrogate him and his family members before letting him out of the hospital. Perhaps this was a plot hole? :3
(random note: this story is set in England, yes? I'm guessing, from the location and your using "u" after "o" in "neighbors", that you are British, then? :3)
Also, there are a lot of possible ways for people to survive after a stab to the heart. It's extremely unlikely, yes, but it can happen. The Archangel should reference that, saying something like 'it's nearly impossible' or something similar. Just pointing that out~ \(>w<)/
As for the line:
It can be rewritten as "Unfortunately, it is quite far away. But I'll get there." or even "Quite far away, unfortunately, but I'll get there." The word "unfortunately" is usually either at the very front or very back of a clause, and must be separated by a comma/two commas if another clause follows.
When he stretched out his wings (they have wings??!!! O____O Awesome~~~
I'm also going to assume that he snuck out at night and is randomly walking around the park for some unknown reason. Yes. FOR THE GLORY OF PLOT OF COUUUUURSE!!!!!! \(OoO)/
By the way, as much as I am sometimes irked by the child's behavior, he can be quite adorable at times. Ruby swords \(OwO)/ So you can't even distinguish between the sword and the layers of fresh blood splayed all over it~~~ \(>w<)/~~~ (I also love the fact that he practically just said, 'it is rude to kill little kids' and turned and half-left XD)
Another grammar mistake:
It should be: "But just try to remember: Demons are very difficult to defeat in the nighttime." Or it can be: "But just try to remember-- Demons are very difficult to defeat in the night." Or any such combination of dashes/colons and nighttime/night. I personally love dashes. So much so sometimes I use hyphens instead of my beloved tildes~~~
Well, other than that, there's nothing else I need to point out. Good job on this chappie~~~ \(>w<)/ And please update soon~~~~~! Meanwhile, I'll help myself to your store of sweets...
Happy writing~~~!
Wow.... what monstrosity have I brought upon this world? O_O The review is 4863 characters long.... Ehehehehehe... ^ ^' Enjoy, I guess...?
Consider it enjoyed I guess.
And thanks for reviewing.
Do not question my overuse of this emoji.
:3 Indeed. Emoji-chan is awesome :3 So are tildes~~~ :3 The Overlord of Tildes approves very much of your gestures~~~~~~~~~ :3
Good ideas abound!
I like the idea of the grandfather going after his grandchild. Throws the reader in for a loop, and it's interesting too.
There're a few grammar things going on here. Some sentences can use a comma or a period. Others can be tightened. Shortened. Made more snappy for impact. I think shorter, snappier sentences will suit your story.
Examples:
.
You know... something like that. Snappier.
Thanks! Like everyone else, I will try to make my story better with these criticisms (Idk if that's a word).
Bravo! I love reading fantasy fiction and this is one of the best I've read over her. For the review , I would just like to point out some sentences where there are typos that you probably didn't notice. Here:
, the narrator is referring to the grandfather but after 6 P.M. suddenly reference is made to the Archangel without any idea stating so. That thing might confuse readers so you might just want to look over it in the next chapters.
And I would like to suggest a name for the Archangel - Edward
Once he reached the boys room he swiftly opened the door so he made as little noise as possible. He learned that opening a door slowly makes it creak and the last thing he wanted was for the little demon to wake up and see his grandfather carrying a knife.
The child woke up screaming which effectively woke the neighbors up as they rushed towards the source of the noise but were blocked by the locked door.
So much the tree that the child slammed into was snapped in two.
The Archangel lost his patience and threw his sword the child.
And before the account of 6 A.M. (July
P.S_ I'm eagerly waiting for more. Please update soon.
Thnks Fr reviewing!
If you get that reference I would be so happy.
I will try and fix any typos for the next chapter (but there will probably still be errors since I'm really lazy when it comes to rereading my work) and I'll take the name into account.
I'm not quite sure how to get coins to update more though... But I'll try to as quick as possible. But might take a long time since now half yearly's so...
The only way to earn coins is to review other people's works. And you get extra coins if you review stuff from the green room. (You might just want to review mine
)
And please pursue this story, it's a great idea and you should definitely go ahead with it (Y)
You have an interesting story idea should definitely pursue it!
and later when the boy actually makes an appearance he talks like a teenager.
Criticisms:
1. As you are writing in past tense ‘And if both of those fail, he still has his fists, not that they would do much’ should be 'And if both of those fail, he still had his fists, not that they would do much.’
2. In the first paragraph you refer to people as ‘the _____’ a few too many times. It is a nice phrase and offers the opportunity to provide some details but try changing it up a bit, it interrupt the flow of the story and becomes boring to read the same thing over and over again.
3. You continue to refer to people as ‘the’ throughout your piece. It is good for introducing characters but after that names or ‘his sister’ or something of the like would be more appropriate.
4. It is unclear who’s sister ‘the sister’ is… the sister of the child? Of the person who’s POV it is?
5.Also, most tales explain angels as being immortal and ‘never-aging’ yet you said that he was getting too old to fight… you might want to make the rules of your world a bit clearer.
6. Archangel seems to talk to the child in a manner which seems at odds with how people do talk to children. Even if the child is a demon, he surely looks like a child? Humans are programmed to react like that (humanoid?)
7. How old is the boy? At the beginning, you make it seem like he is really young (max.7 or
Thanks! Though for number 7 I kind of stated that the boy was 11. For number five, well, it'll be explained at the end. Probably. For all the others, I'll try to consider them in my chapters from now on.
Sorry I must have missed that and okay!
Also if anyone has a name suggestion for the Archangel then please tell me because I really cannot be bothered to find a good name. I only know girl names for some reason.
Reviews are welcome (obviously) and there won't be a specific schedule for updating but I hope to do it often, perhaps once or twice a week. If I'm unlucky, once a month. But if people don't like it then I won't do more.