See the first story here: post822908.html#p822908
Close to suicide, I was.
Close to suicide, I’ve been.
Close to death, face to face
And welcomed him in.
Then there you were,
When no one else was,
Saved my life,
Out of Friendship and Love.
Years and years later,
After all that has happened,
We were still friends,
Talking and Laughing.
I wanted more,
How conceited I was!
And you pushed away,
For you felt no Love.
Months later,
I wasn’t completely over it,
Then my friend decided,
To try to change it.
She told me you liked me,
That you changed your mind.
She told me over and over,
And said it’s about time.
She grabbed her nearest girl,
Together they blocked the doors,
To that small room,
Just us and nothing more.
She forced me to ask you,
Even as I struggled,
I secretly wanted to,
But it caused nothing but trouble.
I asked to a movie.
You said it sounded fun.
But I felt in my gut,
I wanted to run.
I remember Death’s face.
Glaring into his eyes.
They were clear as glass.
Just like his lies.
His glass eyes,
Were just like my past.
I could see the future,
It was completely black.
Now, I look in your eyes.
The mix of green and brown.
My smile quickly faded.
Back to a frown.
A friend, you are!
A friend, you’ll be!
A friend,
Who was protecting me.
But not from Death,
But my own heart.
Keeping me,
From ripping myself apart.
You were going to sacrifice,
Your-self for ignorant me.
Until my friend asked, “So, you like her.”
And you said, “Honestly, not really.”
I understood,
More than anything, I did.
I walked out of there,
And let the words sink in.
Into the bathroom,
I splashed cold water
Onto my face.
Then I prayed to the Father.
I began to realize,
How great of a friend,
You really are,
You have always been.
My friend came to me.
But I was already over it.
I was just mad at myself.
But I don’t regret any of it.
Pain is good.
It relaxed my soul.
Get all this stuff over with,
It was getting old.
I admire your honesty,
And your attempted sacrifice.
As I walked away,
You followed me, were so nice.
You put my feelings
Before yours.
You put thy-self aside,
I should have seen it before!
So smile, Batman!
You are a friend!
A great one!
But not a boyfriend.
Hello there.
First stanza was good, and I loved it. It sets the mood, and gets the reader interested in the story.
Pushed me away?
This is a little bit repetitive... I changed the first glass for water, but you don't have to keep it that way. It's just my opinion.
The flow of some of the stanza is a little bit off, but in general it was great. Thanks for giving us the ending of the story.
Keep it up!
-Other One
Hey there! When I stumbled upon this piece, I thought it'd be quite long and draggy, but it wasn't.
Alright, critique time.
I asked you to a movie.
No dash in between 'yourself'. It's one word.
And by asking, the dialogue will end with a question mark.
You were going to sacrifice
Yourself for ignorant me,
Until my friend asked, "So you like her?"
And you said, "Honestly, not really."
Since you used 'yourself' before this, you should stick with it. And no dash in between 'thyself'.
Batman? Perhaps you could edit this stanza and make it less anticlimactic? The story was generally good though.
So, apart from the 'Batman' bit (Where did he come from? :O) and the little errors I spotted and pointed out, this was a pleasant read.
Keep writing!
Hi, well, I don't usually review poems but I really liked this so I thought I might drop a review on this while i'm here anyway!
I loved this, really It's easy to connect to and there's feeling in this.
I really like how you use death as a person, not so much as an event. At least, I think at the end you were referring to death.
This last stanza needs some work I guess. ( If any stanza did, I'd say this one needs rewording ) For this poem, try and end with something that leaves the reader with a thought. But, that's just my opinion, it might be just me. : )
Overall, I really think this is amazing. Nice job!
~ Tear