16+ Language Violence

Tale of the Tongues: Chapter 1:Awakening

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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Chapter 1: Awakening

S

unlight played in the canopy as three carriages made their way through the forest. These carriages were being escorted by cavalry, and driven by soldiers. Their cargo?

Prisoners, of course.

Most of the prisoners seemed to be in a sky blue uniform, most bloodstained or torn, which placed them in contrast with their captors, who wore scarlet jerkins with boiled-leather helmets, bracers and boots, as well as steel swords and bows to protect themselves.

The other prisoners, however, wore a large variety of clothing. Some of the prisoners wore normal peasants’ clothing, but there was also one prisoner who wore an elaborate blackbear coat, complete with a woollen shirt, chainmail armour and fur boots.

With this prisoner were three other prisoners: a blue uniformed prisoner, a peasant-looking Wood Elf, otherwise known as a Bosmer; and sleeping Breton, which is a race crossed between Man and Elf. The Breton had a fair build, with chest-long hazelnut-coloured hair, and the typical slightly tanned skin tone of a Breton

The convoy continued down the trail for over an hour, before intersecting a larger, cobble-stoned road, onto which they now turned.

The Breton woke as the carriage in which he was went through a bump in the road. Uncertain with how he got where he was, the prisoner looked around terrified. The captured soldier, who sat opposite him, looked up and caught his eye.

‘Ah, yer finally awake,’ the soldier said in a rasping voice, ‘I’ve bin wondrin’ when ye’d wake up.’

‘Where am I?’ the Breton asked in a lyrical voice, typical of Bretons.

‘Not sure. But I reckon we’re in the Black Woods of the Falkreath Hold.’

‘I didn’t do anything,’ the Wood Elf wailed, ‘it’s not my fault that I was close to that battle! Damn you Stormcloaks.’

‘Quiet back there!’ the carriage-driver shouted.

‘What’d ye have against the Stormcloaks?’ the soldier whispered with a threatening tone in his voice.

‘Before your rebellion, the Empire was nice a relaxed, making it easy to traffic stolen horses to Cyrodiil, but now there’s an outpost every bloody mile.’

‘Well, would ye live under the tyranny of the Imperials if they ban the worship of Talos, just because they wanna appease the bloody Aldmeri Dominion?’

‘That’s not a reason to raise an army and hope to defeat the Empire’s legions from this frozen wasteland.’

The fur coat man mumbled something through the rag that was pulled taut in his mouth.

‘What’s wrong with this one?’ the Wood Elf asked.

‘Hey, watch yer tongue. That’s Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak yer talkin’ to.’

‘Jarl- Jarl Ulfric? The Jarl Ulfric? The leader of the rebellion?! By the gods, if they’ve got him, where’re they taking us?’

The Bosmer started rambling and panicking as they made their way down the road. After several minutes of this breakdown, the soldier shot out his leg to kick at the Elf’s shins.

‘You, horse-thief, where are ye from?’ he asked.

‘Wh-what does it matter to you?’ the Elf asked, his voice still terrified.

‘In Nord culture we say that one’s last thoughts must be of home.’

‘Rorikstead,’ he said in a slightly calmer tone, ‘I’m from Rorikstead.’

At that moment, the convoy went around a bend in the road, and a large town wall rose in front of them. The walls were lined with dozens of Imperial archers, with a large wooden gate right in the way of the convoy. As they neared the walls, the gates opened and the Bosmer started panicking again.

‘Shor, Mara, Arkay, Zenithar, Stendarr; oh gods please save me!’ the Bosmer screeched as they entered the bustling town.

‘The gods can’t save ye now, horse-thief,’ the soldier said.

The Breton gestured with his head towards the edge of the square, where a greying Imperial commander sat on a horse. Beside him sat a High Elf in black and gold robes talking in heated conversation. ‘Who’s that over there?’ the Breton asked.

The Nord soldier turned to see who it was before looking away, rage clearly visible on his face.

‘General Tullius,’ he spat out the name, ‘And, just to make it more outrageous, he’s talkin’ to the Thalmor’s Embassy to Skyrim.’

‘Thalmor?’ the Breton asked.

‘Have ye been livin’ under a rock for the last thirty years? The Thalmor are the enforcers of the White-Gold-Concordat’s laws and the eyes and ears of the Aldmeri Dominion.’

They convoy slowed as people cleared away in front of them. The Nord was still talking, this time about the town itself.

‘Helgen, that’s this town’s name. I used to be fond with a lass here. I wonder if Helen still makes her mead with chilled juniper berries.’

The Imperials had managed to clear a path through the crowd, who started jeering the prisoners as the carriages passed. Helgen’s stone Keep walls loomed on the right side of the square, and it was clear that the carriages intended to enter the keep.

‘I use to remember as a child that the Empire’s walls and keeps kept us safe, but now I know they’re only there to oppress those who don’t agree with their laws,’ the Nord said as the first carriage passed into the keep’s grounds.

The Breton turned his head to see a boy and his parents standing in front of the tavern.

‘But I want to watch the execution,’ the boy complained.

‘No, go back inside and entertain your grandfather,’ his father said, leading him back to the tavern before following his wife into the keep.

Inside, the carriages halted beside the gate, and the prisoners were being led off the carriages, their names being marked on a list.

The Bosmer started panicking loudly yet again.

‘Why are we stopping?’ he said.

‘Ain’t it obvious? We’ve reached the end of the line,’ the soldier said as he got off the carriage and stood behind Ulfric.

‘I’ve not done anything wrong! You can’t kill me!’ the Bosmer continued, ‘hey, Breton, we’re innocent, right? It’s these Stormcloaks they want, not us!’

‘Face your death with some honour, Elf!’ one of the other prisoners shouted.

‘Step forward as we read your names!’ an Imperial officer shouted at the prisoners, ‘Haldir, start marking the prisoners.

‘Ulfric Stormcloak of Windhelm,’ Hadvar, a brown haired Imperial soldier, recited from the list in his hands, ‘You are charged with murder of the High King of Skyrim, as well as high treason against the Empire.

‘Next, Ralof from Riverwood,’ the Nord soldier stepped forward. Hadvar continued down the list until he reached the Bosmer, second-to-last on the list before the Breton.

‘Roltir of Rorikstead, horse-thief and smuggler.’

Roltir stepped forward, begging the guards to let him go. ‘You don’t want me! I’m not a rebel!’

‘Shut up!’ the Legate shouted.

‘I’ll not be executed for something I didn’t do!’ Then, slightly catching the Legate off guard, Roltir made a break for it.

‘Archers, stop him now!’

Several archers on the ramparts took aim and rained death down on Roltir, felling him a few feet in front of the spectating crowd.

‘Does anyone else feel like running?’ the Legate shouted, ‘No, well good!’

‘Wait, who’s this?’ Hadvar said pointing at the Breton.

‘What do you mean, soldier?’

‘He’s not on the list, Legate.’

‘Then put him on the bloody list! I don’t have time for complications!’

‘Very well. Step forward prisoner.’

The Breton stepped forward, his head held against his chest.

‘State your name, prisoner.’

The prisoner looked up, lifted his chin up high, and spoke his name with pride: ‘My name is Faneas Galdor.’

‘Well, then, Faneas, I shall ensure that your remains are returned to the capital of High Rock. Please step in line. I am sorry about this. Really, I am.’

As Faneas stepped in line, a great roar echoed off the mountains and walls all around. The soldiers, prisoners and civilians looked up, fear showing on some faces, while confusion or indifference showed on others.

A deep, powerful voice drew the Breton’s attention back to the front of the line where Ulfric Stormcloak stood facing the Imperial commander, General Tullius.

‘Ah, Jarl Ulfric Stormcloak of Windhelm,’ he said, ‘how I have waited for the pleasure to see your head on the block.’

Ulfric (still being muffled) mumbled something furiously at General Tullius, who shouted back just as furiously.

‘No! You brought this upon yourself when you murdered the High King and then started this damned rebellion of yours, but it will all end today! Start the execution!’

A priestess dressed in orange and brown robes stood forward beside the headsman, reciting a prayer to Arkay, the god of Burials and death.

‘Oh, Arkay, watch over these proceedings, to ensure that these men’s souls...’

‘Oh, just shut it! I haven’t got all morning!’ the first prisoner who stepped forward said.

‘Very well,’ the priestess said, backing away to let the headsman take position.

The prisoner was grinning as the headsman prepared to swing. ‘My ancestors are smiling down on me, Imperials. Can you say the same?’

And with those words, the headsman swung.

It took a moment to clear away the body, during which another roar sounded.

‘Bring forward, Faneas Galdor!’ the Legate’s voice bellowed.

As Faneas stepped forward, the soldier called Ralof winked at him and said: ‘May Shor protect you, Breton.’

The headsman forced Faneas’ head into place, turning his head slightly so the to-be executed could see his masked face. The executioner was preparing to swing when a great roar, louder than before and shaking bricks out of the walls, deafened all the people of Helgen.

Faneas then caught sight of a swift moving black object, and when his ears readjusted, he heard General Tullius ordering the archers to identify the threat as the black object landed on a keep tower.

But there was no need to identify the threat.

The Dragons had returned to Tamriel.

Comments & reviews · 6
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O.o What have you done to Ralof?

I'm kidding. It's a wonderful chapter. :)

User avatar
Heir
Review
Heir wrote a review · Thu Jan 29, 2015 10:50 pm

This is my first time saying anything about anyone's work on this site so far, so be honoured! :D

I have played Skyrim numerous times, and have made so many new characters that at most of the points where the dialogue differed from the original I realised. I am not going to nitpick because it was done before, and to be honest there are some other issues I had with it besides level one (grammatical) errors.

I personally felt that this lacked in sensory information. To be honest, even many published and professional works are the same, so you can get away with it, but personally I feel as though Skyrim has a lot of potential in this area. When you look at the world of Skyrim, and you see the setting and the environment there is a whole country (and potentially world, depending on how far you take this story) waiting to be explored on each and every level.

With a fantasy story, immersion is a big part of if, and what it relies on when writing something unfamiliar. You have a leg up in this area, because the world is set, and people can come into this story already with a sense of what it's like (me, for example), but I would advise you just get use to doing these things as a writer in general.

On the plus side, I think that your prose is solid, as is the dialogue (more the parts which you added in), and despite some grammatical errors (most of which have been pointed out), I didn't have much issue reading it.

One thing I appreciated, is the layout/format. I like the short paragraphs and sentences - it made it easy to read rather than large chunks of text.

The worldbuilding is also a plus. You added it quite well for the most part.

That's me done for now! I will read the next part soon! :D

User avatar
steampowered
Review

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I’m just going to come out and say that I don’t know what this is a fanfiction of, but since I like fantasy stories I will treat this like an ordinary story and review this for you. :)

First of all, this is really well-written, and you’re obviously a good writer. I can actually see this being in a published novel; you’ve done a great job with your delivery, and the grammar and other technical aspects is pretty much flawless. However, I noticed a few things that might help improve the story:

With this prisoner were three other prisoners: a blue uniformed prisoner, a peasant-looking Wood Elf, otherwise known as a Bosmer; and sleeping Breton, which is a race crossed between Man and Elf. The Breton had a fair build, with chest-long hazelnut-coloured hair, and the typical slightly tanned skin tone of a Breton


I think this explanation as to the races is a little unnecessary; if the reader is a fan of… er, whatever this is, then they’ll probably know about this already. If the reader is (like me) totally ignorant of this world when they start reading, it would be probably better to either let them work it out for themselves, or add in more subtle clues.

I also got the Bosmer and the Breton mixed up on several occasions, and even though you’d mentioned that the Wood Elf was the Bosmer, I still got confused when he was referred to as “Elf.” Perhaps you could introduce their names earlier on?

As Faneas stepped in line, a great roar echoed off the mountains and walls all around. The soldiers, prisoners and civilians looked up, fear showing on some faces, while confusion or indifference showed on others.


There’s some good foreshadowing going on here, but surely there would be a bit more of a reaction from the crowd? I wouldn’t have thought anyone would be indifferent, if the roar is really that loud.

Ulfric (still being muffled) mumbled something furiously at General Tullius, who shouted back just as furiously.


This isn’t a criticism, but I really loved the use of brackets. It made me smile. :)

A priestess dressed in orange and brown robes stood forward beside the headsman, reciting a prayer to Arkay, the god of Burials and death.


“Burials” shouldn’t be capitalised.

‘Oh, just shut it! I haven’t got all morning!’ the first prisoner who stepped forward said.


Was this intentionally humorous? It really made me laugh. Excellent last words.

The Dragons had returned to Tamriel.


I really like the ending, it’s short but very powerful, and gives the reader a really clear idea of what’s going to happen next. This was wonderfully written (you have successfully eradicated my dislike of fanfiction with such a brilliant story) and I’m only sorry I don’t actually know the original, otherwise I’d probably be able to appreciate it even more. Keep on writing, and I will definitely try and review the next chapters!

Thanks for the excellent review, steampowered!! I'm glad you liked it! I shall edit the nitpicks and errors you pointed out!

User avatar
FireBird99
Review

Hey! FireBird99 here for a review. I am going to take a wild guess and say that this is fan fiction of the video game Skyrim. Am I right, am I? Am I? I for one LOVE that game haha. You did a good job in expressing the feelings and describing the characters. I'll give you a virtual thumbs up *Thumbs up* XD
I'm actually quite curious where your going to go with this, considering there is one million and one billion different things you can do in Skyrim. Good job!

User avatar
r4p17
Review
r4p17 wrote a review · Sun Jan 04, 2015 7:11 pm

Hallo Wandering! Knight r4 here for a review! I'm excited to see what this is about. I haven't seen any of your writing other than in SB's. I hope this review helps! :P

The furcoat man mumbled something through the rag that was pulled taut in his mouth.
"furcoat" isn't a word. It should be fur coat.

The other prisoners, however, wore a large variety of clothing. Some of the prisoners wore normal peasants’ clothing,
It seems rather repetetive to use prisoners twice in two sentences. You continue to use it in the rest of the sentence and the remaining paragraph.

a blue uniformed prisoner, a peasant-looking Wood Elf, otherwise known as a Bosmer; as well as a sleeping Breton, which is a race crossed between Man and Elf.
I am pretty sure that it should read like this: person 1, 2, and 3., not person 1, 2; as well as 3. if you get what I mean.

This might not be the best place to mention it, but I noticed that there are a lot of names that you throw at us and it is rather confusing at first, though the appendix helps! Just something to keep in mind.

‘hey, Breton, we’re innocent, right? It’s these Stormcloaks they want, not us!’
The "h" in "hey" needs to be capitalized.

‘Haldir, start marking the prisoners.
Isn't Haldir from LOTR, not Skyrim?

The Dragons had returned to Tamriel.
Ugh! I hate you You have been talking to Noelle, haven't you? *glares accusingly.* I absolutely hate cliffhangers! This dissease is starting to become rampant! What am I to do?

Well, at the beginning of this chapter, I was a little worried. At first your sentences were chunky and didn't flow well at all. It almost made me want to stop reading. I think you were taking away the words you needed and putting in extra ones or using the over and over again, like "prisoners". But as I read on it got a little better. I can't wait to read more!

This review courtesy of
Image

Thanks for the review, brother!
Yeah, Haldir's name was the one name I was struggling with. It turns out the character's name is really Hadvar, so I'm gonna change it soon.

And yes, I do looove my cliffhangers, so get used to it.
I hope that you shall give just as excellent reviews as the story progresses.

Here's just a brief appendix so you don't get confused while reading:

Places:

A Hold (ex. Falkreath Hold) is basically the Nord name for a province or state.
Skyrim is the northernmost "kingdom" that forms part of the continent of Tamriel. It is currently in a bloody civil war against the oppression of the Empire.
Cyrodiil is the cosmopolitan heartland of the Empire, as well as the original home of the Imperial race.
High Rock is the "kingdom" of the race known as the Bretons. The oldest structure in all of Tamriel, the Adamantine Tower, is located here.
Rorikstead, Riverwood and Helgen are all towns that are located in Skyrim.
Windhelm is the capital of the Eastmarch Hold, and the epicenter of the rebellion. It is also the oldest city in Skyrim.

People:

Bosmer, commonly known as Wood Elves, are a Elven race indigenous to the forest kingdom of Valenwood. The are expert marksmen, and are adapted to living in harsh forest enviroments.
Imperials are the Human race that rules over Tamriel. The come from the heartland of Cyrodiil, and are masters of battle.
Nords are a Human race that are indigenous to Skyrim. They are adapted to cold conditions, and are usually fair haired and muscular.
Bretons are a race that are crossed between Man and Elf, and are indigenous to the kingdom of High Rock. Their Elven descent makes them the most adapt race (after the Altmer), at magic.
Altmer, commonly known as Thalmor or High Elves, are the Elven race indigenous to the Summerset Isles. They are extremely magical, and despise all Human races.
More races will be added as the novel progresses.

Shor, Mara, Zenithar, Arkay, etc. are all the gods known as the Eight Divines. Talos used to be a Divine, but the Empire signed the White-Gold-Concordat with the Aldmeri Dominion, and thus banning the worship of Talos. That is the reason for the Nord rebellion.

More things, Places and people will be described, explained or clarified as the Novel progresses, so bear with me. :-)



NO U
— Carina