A cup of peanut butter, five tablespoons of maple syrup, a couple pinches of salt. Process until a dough forms, form into balls, press the criss-cross pattern on with a fork. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and bake at 350 for 14 minutes.
There was no way to get peanut butter cookies wrong, so Ruby made them when she needed something to go right. There were a lot of cookies in middle school, but not high school. Unlike public school, life at her homeschool co-op was easy, even fun. Bonnie, her little sister, wasn’t as lucky.
Bonnie was a clinical perfectionist, and she only accepted the best. She went to the STEM magnet school that took away her mental health and gave her six hours of homework in return. Of course, that six hours became eight or ten once Bonnie made the extra mile mandatory. It was tearing her apart, but she managed to suffer in silence. Ruby knew she was under stress, but thought she was handling it. She had no idea just what her sister was handling.
At some point in the past year, Bonnie became anorexic, and nobody had a clue. With her schedule, it was easy to skip meals. She’d go early and say she was eating the school’s breakfast, but skip it. She’d go to the library for lunch and study instead of eating. When she came home, she’d take dinner up to her room, throw it out, and pretend she’d eaten it. Every once in a while she’d eat, and always in front of the people who might suspect her. It was twisted, but it worked. Until the incident.
After starving for seven days straight, Bonnie collapsed on the floor of her third-period Chemistry class. She'd gone to the hospital, and that was all Ruby knew. Despite knowing so little, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. No matter how hard she tried, Ruby couldn't erase the image of her sister on the morning of the incident, drinking her second cup of black coffee and shaking from the cold of starvation. She would’ve given anything to know her secret that morning, and even more to know how to help.
When Ruby arrived at the hospital, she pushed aside all the mental images she’d made. It was better to expect nothing. She shifted her backpack and went inside.
“Ruby!” her father said.“Hi, guys!” Ruby put on a fake smile and set her bag on the ground. She gave her father a hug, then turned to see her sister.
At the very least, Bonnie was awake. The baggy hospital gown hid her bony frame. There was an IV on the back of her hand, which Ruby expected. The surprise was the thin tube coming out one nostril and looping over the back of her ear, but that wasn’t a scary sight.
“Hi, Bonnie,” Ruby said. “How are you?”
“Um… cold,” Bonnie said.
“You want some hot chocolate? That might help.”
“No thanks.”
“I’ll have some. I’ll ask the nurses where I can find some cups,” Dad said, then left.
“Is Mom going to come?” Bonnie asked.
“Yeah, she said she’d come around five.”
“How long are you going to stay?”
“A few hours. I brought my homework.” Ruby unzipped her bag and pulled out three bins. “And these.”
Bonnie glanced at them. “What’d you bake?”
“Thai tea mochi, custard tartlets, and peanut butter cookies. You want some?”
“You made sad cookies,” Bonnie replied.
“Of course I made sad cookies. You’re in the hospital.” Ruby set the bins down and sat on the edge of Bonnie’s bed.
“I… yeah, I get it.”
“I don’t,” Ruby said. “Why did you do this? If you wanted to lose a little weight you could’ve just taken up running or something. And you didn’t tell anyone! We could’ve helped.” Ruby felt a single tear roll down her cheek. Bonnie seemed surprised to see her crying. She looked away, but Ruby didn’t.
“I just… I wanted perfection. Like always. And I thought part of perfect was being skinny, and another part was being private.”
“Thought? So you don’t think that anymore?” Ruby wiped the tear off her face.
“I don’t know,” Bonnie confessed. She sighed. “I just don’t know how to change my mind. All the doctors tell me I need to gain 10 pounds, but I think I need to lose 20. I knew the right way to lose weight, but I still chose to starve myself. It’s like I’m not even in control.”
“I mean, there’s medication and therapy, right? Mom said she was looking into those. And I’m really good with workouts and diets, I can help you gain weight.”
“I don’t want to gain weight. I know I should want to, but I can’t get myself to want to.” Bonnie said.
“What do you want?” Ruby asked.
Bonnie paused. “I’m not sure.”
“Not dying is a good start.” Ruby tried to give her a smile, but it ended up being a grimace.
“Yeah. And… I like engineering a lot.”
“You hate homework. Everyone hates homework.”
“I like going out for coffee when I have an essay to write”
“Yeah, you always get a mocha!”
“I like familiar things. It’s nice to know what to expect.”
“I know a familiar thing you like.”
“What?”
Ruby lifted a bin onto the bed. “My peanut butter cookies.”
Bonnie went quiet. “They are really great.” Ruby took off the lid and held one out to her. “You want one?”
Bonnie hesitated, but took it. “Okay.” She took a bite.
Her face seemed to snap back to the Bonnie from last year, the Bonnie who took breaks when she studied and put sugar in her coffee. The Bonnie Ruby remembered as her sister.
“What do you think?” Ruby asked.
Bonnie took a second bite. “You’re a miracle worker, Ruby.”
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