As the bitter winds shiver through my weary body, those aching memories strangle me to the point of immobility. I pause; my eyes expel some of the flocked waters hindering them. Silence echoes as I watch from above; like a supreme force, an all-seeing eye… I gaze into the horizon in sorrow and remorse. I slowly descend the staircase of solitude hopefully to a hunter that can rip my pain away, release me from my misery, break that contract between me and those haunting memories.. a limbo.. that can make me forget the day I came into this cold world.. that can make me forget.. that I was ever born.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,698 Literary Works • 673,654 Reviews
Hello TheNihilist, steampowered here for a review! Since this piece is so short, this will probably end up being quite a short review, but I’ll do my best to leave you with some good quality feedback.
Whilst you obviously have quite a command of the English language, I’m afraid I don’t feel like this piece of writing was particularly coherent. It feels like this should definitely have some kind of story behind it but you seem to have got more caught up with how you’re phrasing things than the meaning behind it.
So, I obviously managed to figure out from the text that the narrator is watching the scene from above, but this doesn’t tell me that much about them. At first I believed the narrator to be some kind of bird, but from the way you’ve written it, it could just as easily be a person standing at the top of a building (which seems to be more likely, considering you mentioned a staircase of solitude, which implies they are walking to a lower level)
One nitpicky thing I think I should probably pick up on is your use of “..” – it should be three dots, not two.
Hopefully this review was helpful – feel free to let me know if you ever want anything else reviewed and I’ll be more than happy to review it for you. Keep writing!
-steam-
Hi there, coehl here. I do like your short story or poem in a sense, but I feel like some minor grammar mistakes were made that could confuse the reader. Before I get started on that, I really like the use of metaphors of wanting to have never existed, such as :
"I slowly descend the staircase of solitude hopefully to a hunter that can rip my pain away..." and "Break that contract between me and those haunting memories...a limbo...". For me, those lines are my favorite because they're both very relevant to the speaker's feelings of wanting to be isolated. Yet at the same time, grammar mistakes and being a little bit direct threw me off.
Whether intentional or not, I feel like using the semicolon was misplaced, instead a comma should have fit better in those sentences. On the format of this story, i also feel like it would be better as a poem, since it's not direct as a short story and that it has emotional wording as a poem too, but it's up to you to decide.
Overall, I loved the poem, I loved how suspenseful the story drove through. It made me wonder, "Who is this 'Hunter' the speaker is afraid of? Could it be physical or emotional?". This story made me really think, and it's good to have that in your writing.
Carry on, waywards son!