The Flower of Death

Hi TheNae, this is a great piece you have here. I really love the mysterious elements at the beginning and the action at the end. I just have a few broad recommendations. First, try to combine some of the elements into bigger paragraphs. I noticed it was a little hard to read because of the line to line formatting of the text. Secondly, I recommend maybe getting out a thesaurus and changing up some words. In some places it felt like you could use stronger more detailed word. In other places, it felt like you may have repeated a word.

For example:

Years had passed and everything remained the same.That memory never left my mind.That man's grin before he was beheaded is an image that will never be deleted from my mind.

I think you could use a different word for mind in the second paragraph, maybe brain?

Anyways, that's all from me now. I can't wait for chapter 2 of this brilliant novel. Also, welcome to YWS!

Hi TheNae!

A belated welcome to YWS. I hope you're enjoying the site so far. It's great to see you posting work already and I hope you’re finding the comments you’re getting are helpful to you.

As it's RevMo, I thought I'd drop by your piece and add some thoughts of my own - I hope you don't mind!

Years had passed and everything remained the same.That memory never left my mind.That man's grin before he was beheaded is an image that will never be deleted from my mind.

That's some very contrasting imagery you've got going on there! The first line almost conveys a sense of peace before the second line takes that away completely. It's a little jarring and I wonder if a slight rephrasing might work well here. Perhaps you could combine the two sentences into one shorter one?

Nothing changed in the passed years.

I think this should either be 'nothing had changed in the passing years' or 'nothing changed in the years that passed'.
Also, not sure if you need to make this point again so close to the first sentence.

Who?

This seemed a bit out of place.

My small garden in a secluded area a near my mother's spacious one looks dull in comparison. I'm not complaining about it. I consume some of my time here to take care of my red spider lilies.

A little later, Louie approached me but made sure to give ample distance. My lilies are poisonous after all.

Interesting addition but not sure how it fits in here.

"As expected of you Eris. HA HA HA"

I think it's enough to say that the man is laughing. The HA HA HA doesn't really work in my opinion.

"WHY DID YOU KILL THE KID?!" The newbie began shouting aggressively.

"..."

"HE DID NOTHING WRONG!HE WAS ONLY A CHILD!"

I can see Louie looking passively. He was trained that way.

The newbie is waiting for my answer.

Watch your tenses, you switch back and forth sometimes during the piece. The quote here is a good example. 'the newbie began shouting' is in past tense and 'I can see Louie' is present. Make sure to pick one and stick with it.

I'm assuming this is the first chapter of a piece, so it makes sense that I have a lot of questions whilst reading it... but I feel like I have a few too many. I'm not really sure what the plot or theme of the book is going to be at this point. I'm getting like a godfather/warring families vibe, but then I feel like a decapitated man wouldn't be quite so shocking or out of place. I think perhaps during your edit of this you should focus on the clear messages you want to give the reader. It's definitely good to keep them interested by not dropping too much detail, but I think we need a little more here.

You've already said that you're aware of the grammatical and punctuation errors so I haven't commented on them but please do let me know if you would like them pointed out in future. These things come easier over time and practice, but I'm always happy to help with things like that should you want me to.

Hope this was helpful, feel free to ask if you have any questions!

Icy



Banner by the wonderful EthanHoover <3

Hey TheNae!

Happy RevMo! I hope you don't mind if I drop by to leave a review on your work today

Years had passed and everything remained the same.That memory never left my mind.That man's grin before he was beheaded is an image that will never be deleted from my mind.

I was hesitant about this entrance before I read the paragraph, and while my mind was changed as I got to the end and read the part about someone getting decapitated, I still want to mention a few things!

"Years had passed and everything remained the same" <- I don't love this as an opening line? We don't know, immediately, what it's been "years" since, and we don't what has remained the same. It doesn't do anything to introduce us into a character, a setting, or a plot, and while I think it could highlight some sort of bitter nostalgia or anger (or whatever else it's trying to convey), I think it would be better suited later, attached to a character and their emotion about the years passing and nothing changing.

Rather than go through each line, I might suggest something along the lines of "Years had passed, but I could still see that man's grin before they cut his head off." Then you don't have the repetition of mentioning the MC's mind, and unless you're trying to imply the MC is some sort of AI ("delete" memories is what makes me think of AI, otherwise, it just sounds odd/too formal for someone's thoughts?), most of the last part is unnecessary (save for the mention of the decapitation), because by mentioning the memory (and that it's a memory), we already know the MC remembers it.

Despite all that, I was immediately grabbed by the mention of this mystery man grinning before being decapitating. Why was he being decapitated? Why would he be smiling before his execution? It sparks questions right out of the gate, and that's the best way to grab a reader's attention, so kudos on that!

(also, as a general note, watch the spacing between your sentences/periods, but they seem to missing right now?)

As I walk through the dark hallways of my family's base, servants paved the way. The terror in their eyes were evident as they bow down to avoid eye contact.Nothing changed in the passed years.

Again, the mention of passed years. I mention this because it was the introduction, and not necessarily if you ended up changing it. But! as it stands, it is repetitive, and unless it is for a purpose (tension, a dramatic moment, to highlight something, etc), repetition is something you generally want to avoid. If you're trying to highlight that nothing has changed in years, space it out more! And if I may suggest it, mention it once, a little further in (maybe with a little voice as well? I don't know how the MC is feeling about it yet, so I'll pretend she's frustrated, but something like: "Ugh. Years flew by, and yet, nothing changed." and then, after some time, emphasise it with: "Nothing changed." as a thought/observation about something that has remained the same).

"Young miss."

One of the head servants called me.He's been with me since childhood and I would say he's a capable one.No wonder my father entrusted him with someone lacking like me.

I stopped and wait for him to speak.

"The headmaster asked for your appearance for dinner." Louie said.

Ok, so, a couple of thoughts:

"Young miss" and the mention of who is speaking should be on one line. In this case, it should be: '"Young miss." One of the head servants called me.'. However, she already knows his name, so why is she thinking of him as "one of the head servants"? Does she know she's narrating a story? I know it's easy to tell the reader who the characters are point blank, but it doesn't actually make all that much sense? I don't go up to people I know in real life and think "they're one of the librarians at *library name*".

the "called to me" part also is kinda wonky, because you haven't described anyone else, so he must be calling to her. This is called telling, and it's generally something you want to avoid. I might suggest, with those two comments, something like:

"Young miss."

I turned to see Louie, bowing his chin down like the rest of the servants, but met my gaze, unlike those of a lower rank.

In this example, I made the MC more active in the moment, introduced Louie (as she would know him), and incorporated that he was another servant without naming him in a roll call. I'm of course not saying this is how you have to write it, I'm just showing you what I'm trying to convey.

I'm confused by what you mean with "I would say he's a capable one.No wonder my father entrusted him with someone lacking like me." You say Louie is capable, but then when you saying her father entrusted Louie with the MC, you mention she's "lacking". This is contradictory, since his capability should be complementary with the person he was entrusted to.

And finally, you don't have to say "I stopped and waited for him to speak", since,,, her not talking or doing anything else is already showing that she's stopping to wait for him to speak. It ends up being filler, and it doesn't do anything for your prose.

My grandfather asking me for dinner means a big mission and him choosing me for a job means it's not an easy one.

Who?

This is another instance where you don't have to tell the readers what's going on. Let the MC react to this as she will, and then show us what happens when she goes to meet her grandfather.

(also what is the "Who?" supposed to be in reference to?)

My small garden in a secluded area a near my mother's spacious one looks dull in comparison. I'm not complaining about it. I consume some of my time here to take care of my red spider lilies.

A little later, Louie approached me but made sure to give ample distance. My lilies are poisonous after all.

I waste no time and made my way to the dining area. Louie followed me.

I don't know what her garden has to do with what Louie was coming to tell her. Furthermore, I'm not sure in what order these events are happening, since Louie just approached her before the description of her garden, but now he's approaching again "a little later"?

(also, very small and nitpicky, but "consume" would be the way to describe it if she were taking time away from something, I think the word you were going for was "I waste my time here" or "I pass my time here")

He's smiling. What in the world is happening?

This was a small switch from past tense to present, so just be mindful of those in the future! It happened before in the mention of the garden as well.

"Eris!" The old man shouted in delight.

"Allerick." I called him.

I've noticed you like to try to attach dialogue tags every time someone speaks, but you don't actually have to do this! In fact, it's better if you don't! Dialogue tags exist to 1) clarify who's speaking 2) sometimes express emotions (don't rely on this though, because it's better to show emotion by how a character acts/reacts rather than use dialogue tags as a crutch on telling your readers what any given character is feeling).

Also! I see at the bottom you've said you haven't edited and you're not as worried about grammatical and punctuation mistakes, which is fine! I usually am not so much a fan of getting a lot of critique on those either, because they usually aren't inherently helpful for early drafts. However, as I've noticed this come up several times now, I thought I'd put this guide to dialogue punctuation! In this example, if everything stayed as it was, it should have been:

"Eris!" the old man shouted in delight.

"Allerick," I called him.

(if it's not noticeable, I changed "The" to "the" since the "t" shouldn't be capitalised, and the period after Allerick to a comma)

"When?" Allerick asked with a smug face. He's obviously asking when I knew there's a stranger in the room.

"The moment Louie told me about dinner." I said and shrugged. Louie is also a top servant and he follows directly from the head of the family's command. Him approaching me and inviting me for dinner is a rare occurrence. I grasp the situation by his tone and choice of words that's why the moment I stepped away from my little garden I know someone would attack me. That brief moment when I step on the dining area, I felt an amateur presence. Besides, I always encounter an attacker. Unaware or not, I know what to do.

You went through all the trouble of explaining everything now, and it really comes across as info-dumpy. Why didn't you mention any of this as it was happening? Why didn't Allerick just ask when she knew there was someone else in the room, rather than just cryptically saying "when?"? The reader didn't have context for this. It seems like you're trying to dramatise this moment by not telling us anything, or make the characters sound clever and knowledgeable, but it doesn't actually help your story in any way. Unless you're writing an unreliable narrator and it helps the plot, don't hold back on your readers or try to "avoid" showing them what's happening.

Also, this isn't even the explanation you gave earlier about her grandfather and some sort of mission. Why did it get changed suddenly? And as an aside, why didn't the assassin(?) kill her before Louie showed up? Why would he choose the moment she was going to be visible? Why did he relent so fast?


I'm also, at this point, wondering what the decapitated man at the beginning has to do with any of this, or why he was mentioned at all if there was going to be no relevance to him shortly after he was mentioned. It's a good hook, but there has to be some follow-up to explain/show why she was thinking of him.

"..."

If someone isn't talking, don't write in dialogue for them. It just adds a cushion where it doesn't need to be. A character doesn't talk by not talking, so adding "..." is meaningless (unless they were to follow up the ellipsis by saying something, but she doesn't)

I swiftly pointed my dagger directly to his carotid gland but removed it anyway.

...Why did she pull out her dagger and then immediately draw it away again? If she wanted to scare him, why didn't she keep her dagger where it was, or threaten him?

I looked at the newcomer and without wasting anymore time I left the car.

Bullets immediately flew my way. They surrounded all the exits not allowing me to escape.

How funny.

The moment the newbie went out the car it explodes.

What a waste.

A lot... happens here, and I'm not sure how to express my thoughts about it completely. This is a really incomplete scene. You've set up what seems to be a placeholder for an action sequence of them getting shot at, but there's nothing except telling us that it happens. There's no reaction from the MC, no thoughts about what she's thinking right now besides "how funny" (???) and "what a waste" (again, ???). There's no description as to where they are or what they're doing. This really needs a lot more fleshing out to be a proper scene, because it's as I said before, just a placeholder scene without any substance.

"I never knew you're weak enough to have an assistant." A familiar voice said.

"What a pity he will die alongsi-"

He continued talking but to no avail. I don't talk to the people I will kill.

I killed him in a second. I let him talk because I knew him since he was young.

I... don't know what happened here at all? Why are you being obtuse about who she killed? Who did she kill? How did she know them? This is such a wild scene that isn't explained, and I don't understand why she doesn't identify (in prose) who this is. How did she even kill this person? Why did she kill them as opposed to doing literally anything else?

There's this disconnect with the MC where I don't feel like I'm reading from her perspective at all. It seems like you're purposely not describing what's going on, and I'm not exactly sure why? It doesn't help the prose or the story, and just leaves me... really confused as to what's happening.

The newbie began shouting aggressively.

Generally, when someone's shouting, especially with the context, it's aggressive. You don't have to tell your readers that.

"How heartless can you be?" The newbie whispered. It was full of hatred and dismay. That was the last thing he said until we arrived at the base.

But... he also just killed a whole bunch of people? Also, why's he suddenly all friendly with Eris? Wasn't he trying to kill her at the beginning? What exactly is he a newbie of? What is he trying to accomplish?

" I'm still confused." I said. I suppose that caught his attention.

Same, Eris.


As a note, when someone talks, even when you break it up with an action or a dialogue tag, the dialogue stays in the same paragraph (unless it's really long and you break it up, but I don't know how to give you an example of that right now since there's nowhere in your piece that's long enough to warrant that). If I'm understanding who's speaking at one time correctly, then the last part should be (liberally applying dialogue tag cuts and my own edits):

" I'm still confused why you're working here even though you're not cut out for it. Allerick's mind is still far from my grasp[<- what does this mean?]. You are unknown to me and I to you, and that's why I could see where you're coming from." I'm being too talkative today. Must be those poisonous bulbs [<- why would poisonous bulbs make you talkative?]. "From my simple deduction I could tell you're hiding something dark. That must be your past." I paused as he [<- who is he??] took a step back, eyes wide. I'd hit a nerve. "That young boy who you said did nothing wrong did the most [<- most what? most wrong? that doesn't really make sense]. He was the most evil in that family [<- why was he the "most evil"? Most cruel? Sadistic? Mean? Why evil?]. Don't get me wrong though. I'm not cleansing my sins. I could say you can double the sins of their whole family and it's still not enough to cover half of mine." [<- she says an awful lot in this, but where is she going with it?]

Granted, you could easily move these to two separate paragraphs (you just leave off the quotation marks at the end of the first paragraph, and pick them back up again for the next, so you show that the same character is still talking. For example:
"I'm still confused as to why you're working here, even though you're not cut out for it. Allerick's mind is still far from my grasp. You are unknown to me, and I to you, and that's why I could see where you were coming from.

"From my simple deduction[...]"

See how I didn't put quotations marks after "coming from", but I did around the next line of dialogue? I... hope that makes sense lol I know this confused me for a while.


There's... a lot left out in this chapter. You don't explain much of what's going on, I'm not sure what the setting is (I thought fantasy at first because of the servants, but then you mentioned cars and I was thrown for a loop). What kind of base do they have here? When or where is this story set? What do the surroundings look like? What does the other base they drove to look like? Description of surroundings is really important to include to give your reader a mind's eye visual on what they and the MC are experiencing (plus, it gives them more immersion!!). How does the setting make your MC feel? What do things smell like, or feel like, or taste like? Using the senses to your advantage is immensely helpful, not only for immersion but also for the tone you want to convey or how your MC might be feeling (like, maybe your MC's favourite smell is jasmine, so when they smell jasmine, the reader would know they feel content or happy).

I also don't know anything about the characters beyond names (and not of all of them either). Laurent is only referenced by name twice, both times by himself. We don't know who this "child" is that Eris killed, even though she apparently knew him. It almost read like a moment where the reader already had background on the scene and was supposed to react to this child's presence, but there wasn't, so there's no explain for who or how or why or what. Since Eris is the MC (and I assume the protagonist), the reader needs to know who she is. But there's hardly any insight into her character here. I think she's emotionless, although she does poison herself (but is immune?? I'm unclear on that) after she's killed people, which seems to point towards guilt or regret. She seems to think of herself as evil. But I feel like I'm hearing about someone through someone else telling me vague details about them that don't hold any correlation with each other.

I... think the story is about gangs? Or rival families? I'm not exactly sure, but it seems assassin-y and/or espionage-y. But I really shouldn't be confused about the plot already, so you may want to revisit this and try to clarify more (without info-dumping or telling!) so that the reader can experience an enriched story.


I apologise if anything I said seemed rude or was confusing, or you believed it to be unhelpful. If you have any questions about anything in my review, please do let me know. I'd be happy to discuss any of it if you would like!

This is an interesting premise, I just wish it was expanded on more and had more detail, so I could understand what was going on to give you a better, in-depth review on the story rather than flailing my arms and going ??? at you. Hopefully this is helpful, and I hope you continue this story and further expand on this world

Happy RevMo, and I hope you have a wonderful day!