Chapter 1
-An Unexpected Stop-
Liquid metal sizzled and flaked off Aster's ship. He’d known this was a stupid idea, who was he to think he could make it past a Sparken outpost in a cargo ship like this? A warning light flashed and the hub screen lit up in red, the starboard engine had lost power. He was just barely able to manoeuvre the large rectangular ship around an asteroid. With only one of the two engines functioning Aster had to be careful, move too fast and the ship could plunge into an unstoppable spin, but move too slow and the Sparken fighters would shred his ship apart. Red in colour the fighters looked something like two scimitars joined at the hilt with the barrel of a gun pushed through and a sleek cabin above, the lasers that came from the gun barrel were deadly, not to mention that the growing sparken empire sharpened the wing tips enough to cut deep gashes in most ships.
Aster felt the cockpit heat up as a ray from one of the fighters cut by the ship, he wore the simple uniform of a Carthanian pilot, a dark grey flight suit that contrasted with his short cut white hair, he used to keep it longer but the military would never stand for that. Over the flight suit was a white and blue vest, the Sovereign had advised him to switch his gold edged squadron leader uniform over to an ordinary pilots, along with the various medals, any sign of rank would prioritise him as a target if the situation took a bad turn, he kept the rankings on his flight suit, they were less noticeable and he did have some dignity, he would rather be taken for someone with some rank rather than none, whether to friend or foe mattered little.
Aster pushed the hunk of unmanageable metal into a dive, up ahead an asteroid flying loose of the the belt surrounding most the Cartha system was on a collision course with the ship. A bolt of pure yellow power narrowly missed the pilothouse, lighting it up more than the warning lights ever could, but it had hit something. A siren started wailing throughout the ship as it shook all over and started twirling into a spin. The Sovereign should have given me a fighter Aster thought, the starboard engine had been sheared clean off.
Sparks from loose cables lit up the dark hold as Aster jumped off the ladder, and hit the port wall while the ship continued to spin. Now upside-down he floated around the ship in zero gravity, pushing off the wall and managing to grab the escape pod, the small cylinder mounted vertically in the cargo deck was painted white with blue and gold stripes, Carthian colours, the same as on Asters suit, they were now faded from years of sitting in the dusty hold.
He detached the oxygen and power cables, connected to the pod, got in, and pushed the two green buttons on a control panel, the cylinder shot out into space just in time for Aster to watch the cargo ship -now with only one engine, collide with the asteroid in an explosion of red and blue. The Sparken fighters slowed, and floated around the nearby area avoiding the debris, Aster shut down the lights in his pod and waited.
The fighters searched the area thoroughly, sometimes coming alarmingly close to Aster's pod, however it seemed the barbarians had fallen for his trick, and soon they left the area. The small cylinder tipped onto its side as Aster activated the thrusters, and small wings -more like canards- folded out as the engine pushed the pod along, its diameter was just long enough for Aster to sit up.
Blasting through an outpost like that had been risky, but Aster couldn’t afford stealth, what he needed was speed. Despite the power of the Sparken empire the Cartha system had been able to hold off invasion thanks to the large asteroid belt that surrounded three of the five planets allied under the Sovereign at her capital in Rantov. But now that the Sparkens had conquered so many of the nearby systems they were in a good position to push more force into their siege, the outpost had been situated on a small dwarf planet near one of two breaks in the belt, of course the sparkens could always go around the belt, but then they would be on the opposite side of the star from the planets which would mean they would have to use up a lot of power to get past the stars gravity. And going over posed a similar problem thanks to Farhiem, a large gas planet that orbited farther out at a seventy degree angle in relation to the belt.
Soon the deep desolation of space enveloped Aster, the Cartha system's last outward planet, a blue and frozen with only an abandoned military base, soon was nothing but a sparkling dot among the many stars and planets of space.
Aster sat back in his pod, the destination was set, and the little pod was rocketing along through the nothingness. His plan was simple, but he felt there would be a lot of complications, and if his mission failed, Cartha would surely fall, but Aster drove that thought to the back of his mind, he couldn’t dwell on that, he wouldn’t fail.
Long before the Sparken empire, and before Aster was born the Cartha system had been one of the greatest powers in the galaxy, it hadn’t been anywhere as close to the grand scale of the Sparken empire, but it’s goal was not ruling power, and it’s influence reached nearly every known planet, the great library at Rantov had been the centre of knowledge and the scholars there could find archives that gave the answers to so many questions. Even now, thought Aster, the only reason the Cartha military has been able to hold off the empire for so long is because of the ships the old Carthanians designed, even two hundred years later they were still some of the fastest and most manoeuvrable fighters.
Once again and not for the last time Aster wished The Sovereign had given him a fighter, he was as good a pilot as any in the military. However his family connection to the Sovereign also helped him understand the political pressure she was under, initially his proposed plan was refused by the senate as it was too risky- any move we make is too risky Aster thought, no wonder the senate chooses to stand still in their false sense of security. But the Sovereign let him proceed anyway, however with very little government help, he’d only been given a small freighter and time off his usual duties.
Few even know I’m out here. His thoughts wandered far in the deep expanse of space. He was tempted to desert, still a long way away from the Twin stars all it would take was a slight nudge of the control stick, and his trajectory would change drastically. But it was only a thought and was dismissed thanks to his sense of loyalty, if not to the delusional Senate, than to the rebuilding of the Cartha of legend, to his Sovereign, and to the people whose only hope rested in the lone pod rocketing through space, that they didn’t even know existed.
Soon a planet loomed near, the pod's control panel informed him that he would pass by the planet near enough for its gravity to affect him heavily and he would have to take control. It seemed the small escape pod was not outfitted with enough navigation and piloting controls for it to make reliable course adjustments with so much influence.
As instructed Aster took the controls, recalling an old saying he’d found in some old documents saved from the great library. ‘Nothing anyone can make can ever rival the judgement of the mind’ his father had explained to him that it was said among engineers as something of a subtle warning never to waste one's time on making machines with the goal of being entirely autonomous. He had playfully joked at the time that, ‘if machines can do everything we can, what use will we be?’ He began to make course adjustments as he felt the pod veering slowly toward the planet.
As he started to turn the craft away, something occurred to Aster, with the escape pods low propulsion, it was still a long way to the Twin Star System, however not that far away was a planet, -Bartalion if he remembered right, and a it had a ferry service to nearby planets, through which he might be able to get to Reveau in speed and comfort, the only problem was money, Aster had a little, and if it wasn’t enough to get him passage he might be able to use his badge, the Sovereign had given him higher level status for his mission, and his badge used to work as payment, but with the Cartha system essentially under siege he couldn’t be sure anyone outside of Cartha would consider it worth enough for a passage, after all what if they found out tomorrow that Cartha fell to the Sparkens, they certainly weren’t going to get payed then. But once again Aster drove this thought away, Cartha could never fall, not again.
Eventually as he contemplated even more time sitting in the cramped pod flying through deep space. Aster decided the risk was worth the time it could gain and he turned back to the planet increasing speed, aborting the set course, and letting Bartalions gravity pull him in.
“This is Cartha pod CHF-784 requesting port access in roughly five hora” it wasn’t always customary to report exactly when you would be arriving when requesting access but Aster always felt it should be. He was surprised at how quickly they responded, almost immediately his panel lit up with an open channel, but- Aster gasped, the channel bore a Sparken design. No he thought, how could they be moving so quickly? When he left they were still far from this planet, how had they already conquered it? Now he was just close enough to spot a Sparken command station orbiting Bartalion, a squadron of fighters launched, their sharp wings glinting as the star Bartalion orbited around rose over the planet.
Adrenaline rushing, Aster made split second calculations, he couldn’t outrun the fighters, he couldn’t hide from them, if he headed directly for them they’d easily split the pod in half -even if he tried it could never out manoeuvre them. Aster pushed the throttle ahead, dismissed a warning of low fuel, and put his helmet on. If he timed it right, he might be able to make it.
The fighters seemed to grow larger at an alarming rate as they neared each other, Aster was tense with focus, his hand still, but ready over the controls, he heard the deep rumbling scream that characterised the Sparken engines, closer, closer, Aster took a breath. The lead fighter was just about to change course to slice open the pod.
Aster pulled back on the controls with as much force as he could muster, spun the pod around and ejected just in time. The sparken fighter, being as responsive as ever, quickly pulled up and sliced the pod in half -but not before Aster had ejected, he felt the gravity begin to affect his drift as he was pulled toward the planet, he had a small jetpack but he would save its energy for an emergency, besides he thought they may have spotted me. Indeed the fighters had slowed and two began systematically moving about the area while the others turned to return to the station.
Aster stayed as still as he could as one fighter passed close enough for him to reach out and touch it, he saw the pilot inside surveying the area through his helmet all covered in the usual black Sparken armour. But he soon passed and the two fighters moved farther away from Aster, who dared a jet, just for a second to build some momentum.
Soon Aster was accelerating far faster than his jets had ever taken him, Bartalions gravity was pulling him in faster and faster he was beginning to orbit the planet, he estimated he would orbit roughly halfway around before he broke the atmosphere. Good he thought, glancing at the Sparken command station, it looked like three long cylinders each with an indent on one side, and various smaller tubes and walkways leading in between them, two cylinders were beside each other, and one was above them both, the whole thing was held together with beams and trusses, all coloured the ominous crimson and black. He hoped to end up on the opposite side of the planet from it.
Bartalion, was a fairly small planet, Aster had been told the people who lived there, Talions, were excellent fishermen as it was mostly water, a fact made evident to him as Aster was pulled ever closer. However there were two large continents, one that stretched nearly to both poles, and another somewhat smaller and more circular in shape, with a large bay on one side, both had small lakes and rivers surrounded by greenery, but consisted mostly of black volcanic rock, Aster only got a glimpse of them as he was being taken around the other side of the planet. He felt himself entering the atmosphere. He could see the heat as he spread out his arms to slow his fall, it turned his gloved hands golden as fire seemed to wrap around them, he also felt the heat, but his suit was enough to protect him, the element Valion possessed many strange properties that the early Carthians had known, foremost was it’s resistance to high or low temperatures, it wasn’t particularly strong and wasn’t used in armour, but it made perfect material for his flight suit. The library he thought, it had perished in a fire not unlike the one that burned along his body as he crossed the line from space into air, they had lost so much knowledge, so many secrets, Valion, he knew, had once been only a part of something much bigger, the Carthians had been working on something, something that was lost in the library, they had harnessed Valion bringing it to its highest potential. All anyone did with it now make suits.
So many secrets. So many questions. No answers.
Aster felt the heat give way to a slight chill as he came out of the main atmosphere, he was in Bartalion now. His momentum carried him far, but Bartalions gravity was stronger than his momentum and he was falling fast, he saw some islands up ahead, but than he had passed over them. Suddenly the water was right under and he just had time to try to brace himself when he shot into the ocean.
Flailing about for only a moment he managed to get himself upright, his crash had sent him shooting down far before he had slowed enough, he had considered turning off his oxygen supply when he had entered the atmosphere, and as he looked around for any nearby islands he was glad he hadn’t, his supply of air had been what eventually brought him to the surface.
Off in the distance he could just make out an island, behind him the sun was rising over the ocean, and by its light he could see the islands. There were also boats, he thought, bits of metal indistinguishable at such a distance apparently moving. Aster swam toward them.
Aster observed the boats as they came into view. One had twin hulls, made of what looked to be an assortment of partially rusted metal panels. In the centre of its deck on a raised pylons stood a single jet engine, and it looked like someone had made an attempt at outfitting it with a thermal injector, presumably to upgrade its efficiency. The shoddily installed injector made a large bump in the canopy hung tent-like over the engine, its four corners were tied down to the deck, and near one of the ties Aster made out a name in slanting handwriting: Bounty Trawler.
The other boat had began farther away than Bounty Trawler but was faster and started to take the lead, it had a long low lying hull with the exception of a raised foredeck and high bow section, the cabin was rectangular with a flat windshield at an angle, unlike Bounty Trawler it looked to be made mostly of the same material, its hull painted black and it's cabin a fading yellow, someone called out to him from the foredeck, but Aster couldn’t make out the figure as the was rising higher in the sky it cast Aster in the shadow of the boats high prow. His ears now full of water he only half heard the figures shouted words, something about turning the ship ‘round, and staying put, something that Aster would have found difficult in the rolling sea not to mention in the boats wake as the figure stepped back into the cabin and the boats engines roared, it shot past Aster only to reverse beside him until he could clamber over the low stern gunwale.
The figure who came out of the cabin to help him up was startlingly dark of skin.
“Uh hello, thank you.” Aster said, once he was on deck, “My name is Aster, er do you think you could take me to the nearest space port? Or perhaps just an island. I do have money, I could pay….you” he trailed off as the mariner shook his head.
“no no, don’t you worry ‘bout that, names Londus, now come into the cabin, you must be nearly frozen, I’ll take you to shore no worries, welcome aboard the Sky Fisher” Aster was ushered into the cabin, once again wondering at Londus’ race, this time voicing the question aloud as he sat down and Londus went to the helm. Londus informed him he was indeed a Talion, however his mother had been from a far off planet, deep in a still unknown galaxy, this explained not only his dark colouring, (Talions are blue skinned right? Aster had asked) but also his small moustache. Other than those prominent features he was still a Talion, with three fingers, on each hand and three webbed toes on each foot, he also had small gills on his face and protected under his weathered green hat Aster guessed he hid his small sensitive ears, some said the Talions could hear when the weather was about to change, and they used their gills to smell how close the fish were in the water. Aster wasn’t sure whether these were facts, or just stories, with so many cultures around the galaxy, school had only given Aster a small understanding of the many planets.
“Do you remember much about your mothers planet? I presume she told you” Aster sipped some tea Londus had given him. Sparking up conversation had always been something he was particularly good at.
“Eh a few things, she never really explained how she got to Bartalion, you see her planet isn’t very primitive but they don’t know much about space travel, or at least that’s what she always said. I never could remember quite how the planet's name went, something like Eart, or Art, her language had these strange characters that were somehow formed from combining other characters and then they made a different noise- maybe it was erch? No that doesn’t sound right, anyhow it was something with an ear and then a strange double character.”
Aster was thankful that Londus was answering his question without asking any of his own, likely Londus was wondering at what a Carthanian pilot was doing falling from the sky, but he was also respectful. Intrigued by this strange planet Aster continued “I suppose your mother learned Carthanian then? Or your father learned her language, do you know what it’s called?”
“Oh no, my father drowned in a storm when I was still rather young. I was raised by my mother, and my uncle taught me the ways of the sea. So yes my mother was very fluent in Carthanian, far more useful than her own language anyway” Londus answered. Aster sighed, he was right, Carthanian had become a universal language, and it still was used by most people from different planets, another sign of the old Carthanians' innovation. Londus continued, “yes, her own language actually had fairly similar words, just different characters. As for the name of her language I can pronounce that one, Engleish or no I think it’s English, yes that's it.” He leaned out the window and took off his hat for a moment, “hm yes we’re nearly there, I think I’ll come ashore with you actually, it seems to me a storms brewing”
The island, they were coming to wasn’t very big, the bulk of it was taken up by a mountain, made from black rocks at dark as space, the small harbour where they docked consisted of a few wooden buildings half supported by the clifface they leaned against and the other half supported by long poles going into the ocean, various planks provided walkways between the buildings, the wharf, and a system of old lava tunnels that Londus infomed Aster, served as the living space for most of the islands inhabitants.
Londus frowned and muttered something. “What is it?” Aster asked, concerned, he went up to the window. A small red skiff was coming around the island and heading in their direction.
“I’m guessing you don’t want to be noticed by those folk do you?” Londus asked, Aster just nodded. Londus heard something and glanced around, he spotted Bounty Trawler coming up behind them. “Alright, you go out that door” he pointed to a door on the opposite wall from where the skiff was coming, “and get under that boats tent as soon as you can, I’ll handle them” Londus called the Bounty trawlers owner over his radio, apparently all the fishers knew each other well, and when Aster closed the door behind him Bounty Trawler was right there. He hopped on, holding one of the pylons as the boat swayed in the waves and he nearly fell overboard. A blue three fingered hand quickly pulled him under the tent.
“Stay right here and don’t move” the Talion said huskily, he moved back out of the tent and pretended to drop his net.
“Hey what are you doing here!” Aster peeked outside the tent to see who was talking. The Sparken leader was speaking, like the others his skin was crimson, and scales covered his forearms, he wore black armour and over his large hairy ears his horned helmet distinguished him as the leader.
“Oh I just came to say hi, Londus an’ I sometimes tie up and fish together you see.” The Talion said.
The Sparken looked suspiciously at him. “Alright well, you just stay there, we’ll be searching your boat next.”
Aster was horrified. He silently mouthed “Why are they-”
The Talion gave a small nod of understandment. And trying to act casual said “I suppose you Sparkens really take daily patrols seriously huh?”
The leader looked a little bored but still suspicious, he gave a simple yes and went inside the Sky Fishers cabin, Aster hoped Londus would be alright. The Talion rushed inside the tent and motioned him over to the edge.
“You can swim right? Good, stay in the water and try to get back onto Londus’ boat when they come over here okay?” The Talion instructed him, Aster thanked him wishing there was more he could do for this Talion. “Ah don’t worry about it, I’m sure you Carthians have cooked up some secret plan and I’ll help as much as I can.” Aster thanked him again, slipping into the water he wished the Talions words were true.
The thud of clawed footsteps told Aster that the Sparkens were boarding Bounty Trawler, he swam around to Sky Fisher, and quickly pulled himself on deck as it pulled away, luckily the Sparkens were preoccupied with bringing their skiff over to Bounty Trawler to notice.
“Goodness! You made it!” Londus exclaimed when Aster came into the cabin.
“Yes, just barely, you and your friend were very helpful, thank you” Aster said.
“Well you're welcome then Aster. You're looking to get to a spaceport right?”
Aster nodded.
“Well then here” he dug some silver coins out of his pocket and handed them to Aster.
“Oh I can’t take these, you’ve been so helpful already” Aster protested
“Oh no, you must, the port will raise the alarm if it detects Carthian gold, here hand me whatever you have, I know a goldsmith on a nearby island who’ll make something nice with em.”
Somewhat reluctantly Aster agreed.
The port was small, consisting of only a single building, and a fenced off area where the ferry would land.. Aster entered the building and rang the bell at the empty desk, Londus had informed him that the few employees worked in short shifts, so they could still go out fishing, they’d taken the job when they realised the tourism money the island could generate, of course, when the Sparkens came, tourism stopped, and the young Talion who came to the desk showed as much annoyance and fear toward the sparken logos painted by the same ones who’d forced him to keep the space port open.
“Great timing” the young Talion said when Aster inquired about the ferry “it should be here any minute, I’ll flag ‘im down if you wanna buy a ticket?”
“Yes, here” Aster handed over Londus’ silver coins, Londus had also given him an old cloak to disguise his Carthian heritage. Aster vowed to one day return and properly thank Londus, he had been so helpful to someone he’d only just met.
The boy at the counter called the ferry pilot over a radio and said he should be here very soon, apparently since the Sparkens took over the ferry no longer stopped at minor ports, instead they could be called if they were in the area and had room for any passengers.
Soon Aster was leaving the planet on the small ferry it only had a handful of passengers when he boarded and after one more stop on Bartalion there was only Aster, he gazed out the window as they passed the Sparken station, if he looked long enough he felt he could see the wreckage of his pod, but doubtless it was only a speck of dust.
The ferry was taking him to Kemetar, the only planet in the twin star system to be occupied by Sparken forces. Aster only wished he could believe that the hardest part of his journey was behind him.
Whatever happens, at least I’ll be one step closer. Aster thought
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Hey there! Plume here, with a review! I noticed your work has been in the green room for a bit, so I thought I'd give it a review to bump it out!!
I enjoyed this first chapter! Sci-fi isn't my all-time favorite, but I do engage in it from time to time. I think your worldbuilding was super strong in this first chapter, and your characters were also nice! (I do think that it's super funny how your main character's name is "Aster," which means star—curious if that was intentional.)
One thing I liked about this was your worldbuilding! I'm always in so much awe because I'm more of a character and writing kind of storyteller, and I feel like my universes are always so lacking, so I feel super impressed whenever someone has a super fleshed-out world. This definitely seems like you've spent a long time creating different aspects of this world to make it feel super realistic. I also loved the little almost... dramatic irony moment when Londus mentioned that his mother came from Earth. It was a great way of almost winking at the readers, and also gives them important information about this world and how it isn't completely separated from our own!! I also thought your dialogue was well written as well and showed the character's traits nicely.
I wasn't sure about the pacing of your beginning (and also most of the narration in this)— I think that it could be a little more engaging. Throughout your entire chapter, you've got these big paragraphs, and having so many in a row makes reading it feel a lot more tedious. Part of it as well is that many of your sentences contain comma splices and/or are run-ons. The action that's happening in this paragraph is amazing, and if you maximized that action by mirroring it in your structure, you'd have this great, solid, action-rich, and engaging story. I think by giving your sentences more variation, getting rid of your comma splices, and thinking carefully about paragraph breaks, you could elevate your action-packed prose to the next level. Your pacing in the conversation between Aster and Londus was great—aim for something around that.
Overall: nice work! I think your worldbuilding was great in this, and I'm curious about how Aster's journey will continue!
Hi, @Plume, thanks for the review!
I'm glad you liked the worldbuilding so much, this story is actually a relatively new idea of mine, but I did steal a lot of the plot and characters from another story idea I had a while ago in which I wrote a bit of a plot and did a lot of worldbuilding but in an entirely different genre, so it's good to know it all fits and world seems so real.
I'm definitely going to work on paragraph structure as I continue to write, it seems to be a recurring enemy of mine but hopefully, I can work it out when I do some more editing.
Anyway, I'm glad you liked the world and my story so far, and thanks for a great review.
-Myth
Hi there Myth!
First Impressions
Reading this chapter makes me feel kind of bedazzled and dazed. It feels like a lot happened in a short span of time, and a lot of different locations were visited already. I really like Londus and the characters on Bartalion, as they seem brave and selfless helping Aster, who’s a stranger to them. The tone of the story is very intense, and I can also tell this is some really detailed sci-fi worldbuilding happening. The idea of the Cartha and Sparken enmity kind of makes me think of the something like Rome and Carthage, or Ancient Athens and Sparta. The mentions of them having a “deluded” Senate and a mysterious lost library also give me this ‘ancient world’ vibe.
Characters
From what I can tell, Aster seems to be someone of special talent in his society, though this is not readily acknowledged by the people in power. (That’s why he’s being sent out to save them, but also sent out in a cargo ship rather than a fighter ship.) He seems to be motivated by ideals and pride in his country. He also seems to be someone who values ingenuity and intelligence.
Something I like about how you’ve characterized Aster is how he has (what I perceive at least) to be character flaws. For example, even though his main motivation is service to Cartha, he’s still concerned about his social status:
That makes him a more intriguing character, and I wonder if there’s a reason for his concern. Is it normal in his society? Or does his pride in Cartha mingle with personal pride? I’m also interested in seeing his behaviour with others and how this pride may or may not cause him trouble.
Style
Something I noticed while reading is that the sentences in this chapter are very long and often not broken up by punctuation. That, combined with the long paragraphs, made it a bit intimidating to get through at first. It’s also sometimes difficult to tell where one thought ends and another one begins, for example:
This single sentence seems to be delivering a few pieces of information at once, 1. Aster is related to the Sovereign 2. The Sovereign is under political pressure from the Senate 3. The Senate is against Aster’s plan 4. Aster believes in his plan because not acting is worse 5. The Senate is risk-averse 6. The Senate doesn’t seem to think the Sparkens are a threat. So phew, that’s a lot of information, and it’s a bit overwhelming to read in an already intricate sci-fi setting with a lot of new terms for a reader to learn.
I did however appreciate how you write emotion into the narration. For example, the language here:
I thought the repetitive phrases (“he couldn’t . . . he couldn’t . . . “) and the scary description of them “splitting the pod in half” conveys his feeling of tension and desperation.
Plot
Plot-wise, I thought this was a solid first chapter. I could get a good grasp of Aster’s motivations. His loyalty and pride in Cartha drives him to make a last-ditch effort to save it, despite having little support and no certainty he will succeed. His goal is a bit more ambiguous – he’s trying to attack the Sparken Empire somehow, but I don’t think he ever explained exactly what his plan was? (Maybe that’s being saved for Chapter 2? If I just missed it, I’m really sorry >.< I did re-read a number of paragraphs I thought he might explain it in but I didn’t find it)
I like the plot twist in the middle where Aster unexpectedly checks into an outpost already occupied by the Sparkens. I hadn’t seen that one coming, and I like how it forces Aster to adapt. It definitely suggests his mission will be much harder from here on out, which is good for a character who perceives himself as being quite skilled already. It balances out his skill with a challenge that fits it, if that makes sense.
Overall
On the whole, this seems like a really interesting story. I’m curious about the links to Earth through Londus’s mother and about what the other planets in this world look like. If there’s something to work on, it would be the structure of the descriptions and writing, making it a bit easier to digest and making it easier to distinguish between a character’s internal monologue, let’s say, and the narration. You definitely do a good job of hooking the reader’s interest and displaying some main elements in your story.
Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim
Hey @Liminality. Thanks so much for the review!
I'm glad you liked the chapter. And you pointed out most of the things I thought needed some work, mainly the punctuation and descriptions.
Also, by the way you were right about the influence of ancient Rome and Carthage, although I meant for Cartha to be a little more like Rome (with a senate, and a lot of technological advances, and a rich population) and the Sparkens to be more like barbarian invaders. But, I'm glad the influence was noticeable.
Again, thanks for your review. Much appreciated.
-Myth